newbee, I know you're not going to like anything I have to say, but here goes:
After an 7-8 year engagement/nikkah/whatever, you KNEW EXACTLY what you were getting yourself into. These issues, expectations and behaviors of your inlaws were not hidden from you. In fact, there are countless threads here where people gave foretold that these problems that are bugging you now would surely surface, yet you went ahead with the ruhkstati or marriage or whatever. So now what is the use of crying over spilled milk?
Your husband is on your side and supports you, what more do you want? Sunno sab ki, karro apni. If you can't find a way to politely disengage and carry on about your business then I'm sorry but you shouldn't have gone through with the marriage.
Your inlaws (for whatever reason) don't like you. They likely never will. You knew this (hell, all of GS knew this lol) prior to going through with the wedding. I feel like you had ample time to toughen up and wrap your head around the situation.
You can either a) continue to play the victim and be miserable all the time or b) grow a thicker skin and learn how to not let their expectations get to you. Choice is yours.
And for gods sake, please don't spend a month alone with your mil, for whatever reason.
I have never understood this whole thing about "sleeping over" at wife's home.
Why is it even needed? Why is it so important?
I crave my own bed no matter where I go.
Even when I'm an hour drive from home, at the end of the day I just want to head back rather than sleep anywhere else.
Besides....what socialising does one partake in when one is asleep?
I have never understood this whole thing about "sleeping over" at wife's home.
Why is it even needed? Why is it so important? I crave my own bed no matter where I go.
Even when I'm an hour drive from home, at the end of the day I just want to head back rather than sleep anywhere else.
Besides....what socialising does one partake in when one is asleep?
^ Agreed. I'm confused by this too. Unless the married woman is staying at her parents to take of sick/elderly......what is the point of spending the night? Is the married woman socializing/talking to her parents the entire night? No one sleeps? If the woman's parents are in the same city, why can't she sleep in her home (i.e. home she shares with her husband)?
I married my husband because I wanted to sleep with him every night, not back under my mother’s roof :chai:
I don’t understand this whole desi “going back to my parent’s house” mentality, especially if you live in the same city. And twice a week? On top of weekend get togethers? Why get married then if you want your life to stay the same as it was before? :konfused:
when one of our group got married we automatically understood that they would likely disappear from our informal gatherings for a 6 to 9 month period.
we didn't penalize or ostracize them. we did miss them but tried to stay in touch by other means like text or social media.
we respected the fact that along with marriage come familial commitments that should take priority....at the very least in the near short-term.
when these friends had some semblance of routine back in their lives, they re-joined the group at a pace that was suitable to their new lifestyle.
neither we, they nor our friendships suffered irreparable damage as a result of their temporary absence.
Yes, that is common with biharis. In fact here was a tradition in which the newly wed couple spent 10 days at the girl's house. Nowadys, they have reduced it to a few days, if at all.
you can't get married and expect your life to be exactly the way as it was when single. That is just not possible. Did you not realize that other people will have importance in your life such as your husband and in laws? what will happen when you have kids? are you going to ignore them, too? Or, take them to your parents house to be brought up because having them will mean your life will, again, change drastically.
Wanting to sleep over 2 nights a week at your family's house, everyone agrees is a big no-no and not a need and quite ridiculous.. makes me wonder if there are other stipulations you are not mentioning ..if you wanted to do that, then there is no need to even live with your in law, your husband should have moved into your family's house.
You are complaining that you haven't gone out to meet with friends in the first month. on average, how many times a month do you go out with friends that this is such a big problem? Being social is a very good thing, but you are making it seem like you do it every other night, which is not healthy for any marriage. There are phones that people use when one cannot meet face-to-face as much..
You already have your husband's support on going out with him etc, focus on him, on building your relationship. Maybe give your FIL a little time as well, since he is looking for it. Something as simple as sharing a pot of tea might make him open up a bit... But, keep it at a distance, don't totally ignore him either.
First you had room issue, then furniture and bed issue. Before that Jehtani issue. Then compatibility issue between you and your husband...
No doubt, why Jethani is favorite bahu of yoru MIL.
Why are you living with in laws? Move out, live alone and enjoy the freedom. I am assuming you are in West. If you are in Pakistan, well may be tough there but I honestly think joint family system is a curse.
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman and not a man and his father and a woman. The relationship has to be agreed upon by husband and wife and no one else. FIL should have absolutely no authority to say what she should or should not do. As per religion she is probably not a mehram to FIL and shouldn't be home alone with him anyways, I read news from backwards UK that this FIL abused his dil.
i dont understand you people. His islam tell us that a FIL is mehram and to be treated like a father, then why can't it be the daughter's (DIL) responsibility to take care of her father (FIL).
when one of our group got married we automatically understood that they would likely disappear from our informal gatherings for a 6 to 9 month period.
we didn't penalize or ostracize them. we did miss them but tried to stay in touch by other means like text or social media.
we respected the fact that along with marriage come familial commitments that should take priority....at the very least in the near short-term.
when these friends had some semblance of routine back in their lives, they re-joined the group at a pace that was suitable to their new lifestyle.
neither we, they nor our friendships suffered irreparable damage as a result of their temporary absence.
why is this such an issue for so many newlyweds?
^ THIS!!! Exactly!
Even my parents gave me space! I lived only 25 minutes away from my parents and sisters after marriage. My mom actually went on a trip right after my rukhsati so I wouldn't be running home. She knew I'd be missing home so she left LOL...and was away for 3 weeks!
OP needs to decide what she wants to do...stay married or be single and then move forward.
Islam doesn't say he is like a father. Difference between mehram and father
how many people are mehram...please count and let me know if the list is really long. to me, it seems like islam put father and FIL in the same category for a reason.
Even if you dont agree with me. treating your FIL like a father isn't too much to ask for. anyway ready other's comments show that OP has other issues with this marriage and relationship other thn just treating a FIL right.
Its honestly quite weird that you're having problems with FIL.
Honestly, if I was a FIL and my wife was out of country, I'd be out all day with my friends. The last thing on my plate would be to keep tabs on my Son and HIS WIFE. Does your FIL not have any friends?
Others have already mentioned that its also weird for a married girl to want to insist on spending nights over at her parents.
Make a compromise, stop spending too much time with your parents, and hopefully your FIL will keep out of your business.
