Hello everyone. I’ve written alot here. A lot of stupid issues.. Please read with a clear mind this thread.
I learned a lot from previous advices and I have been married for over a month alhumdillah.
Pretty much from the start there are issues
1 it was always decided that I will continue my business in my husbands working hours just like one does a job.
2 I also asked my husband if it’s alright if I spent two nights a week with my family. He approved.
Anyway so the problem is my father in law. He has a problem with everything. I’m trying my best to keep up the best behavior..getting involved in the house etc but he’s not happy with me. He stops replying to me over little things and shows attitude really rude type which is obviously to people around him.
He also has an issue with me and my husband going out.. Like for dinners..friends meet up etc.. In my first full month of marriage I didn’t go out on any dinner with my family. Only outing was either a family dawat or to meet my family.
My in laws are aware that I was extremely social before my wedding.. But now I’m constantly telling my friends off that I can’t meet etc..
From what I see I don’t think this happens In this day and age that couples have so man restrictions.. My husband understands but no one can talk to his father.
Last night I got back from meeting my dad and fil mood was bad. After that I was warming food for my husband when I walked into a conversation over me between my husband and mil. I got really upset and when my mil said she wanted to talk I said I don’t want to talk to anyone. I was very hurt that I’m doing my best and still they are not happy.. Anyway I apologized to her and she replied ok.
Please suggest what i should do..
They possibly want me to stop my work and stop meeting my family.. Me and my husband are very happy and he wants that I work and continue meeting my family..he says he’ll be my support and he says his family is wrong.
your husband needs to talk to his dad to stop interfering in your life, but unfortunately if you are living in your FIL's house, you cant live the way you want.You would have to tolerate and learn to ignore his comments.
So long as your husband is on your side and supportive I'd continue on as you are. I know it sucks that they're behaving this way but they'll probably continue even if you stop absolutely everything because nothing is good enough.
I really don't understand this older generation sometimes it's almost as if DIL's are like maids or something and they're only supposed to wait on their in-laws 24/7.
Try to make the best of it. Hubby is on your side so, Alhamdulillah, that's one less thing to worry about. It would be a disaster if they were all against you. Enjoy the times you do get to spend with your blood family. And keep praying to Allah for a way out =)
Should I discuss the matter with my family? To tell them why I'm not spending the night? Because I'm leaving out of country next week and my parents asked me to come over for a few days before I left... In last 14-15 days I've only spent two nights at my mom's.
I understand that it must be frustrating for you but be patient, don't fight back or argue, it will just worsen the situation. I think you should have sat down and listened to mother in law when he said she wanted to talk, I think it was immature and rude of you to at least listen to what she had to say. You must have heard of the saying that goes something like this, Sunno sabki, Karo apni marzi. Parents in law have their own rules and way of doing thing n they r nt going to change for u, especially as they r old. Every family has their own way. I know it doesn't seem fair, especially your father in laws behavior but if he ignores you, just leave him be. Maybe he will realise himself. You knew what he was like b4 u got married. Anyway since hubby is on your side, let him deal with them.
Why do you want to stay over at your parents? You are a newly wed? They live nearby don't they? So no need to stay overnight, I would personally be spending most of my free time with hubby as its not long since you have been married.
I wouldn't discuss with my family as things will get blown out of proportion and leave a bad taste with your parents regarding inlaws. Keep your issues to yourself and husband. If they are asking why you are not staying over, say you can't stay without husband as you miss him, u work all day that's long enough to be away from him. I'm sure the inlaws would agree to 1 night since you r going away, just tell hubby to deal with them.
But as for now be patient, I know it's easier said than done, but the first year is the hardest. And if you constantly nag your husband about his family then there will come a time when he will start to resent you for it although he is on your side now it will only be a matter of time till his patience runs out if he's getting it from you and parents.
Fefe I realise I was really wrong to not speak to her. I messaged her apologizing and also called back but her number was busy.
I'm really close to my family so I have a difficult time being apart esp when there's no one at my in laws. It's only my fil and my husband. My husband likes to go to meet his friends or his friends come over. We like to take time apart.
So I guess with patience ill spend my time focusing on building a relationship with my fil and see if I regain anything. It's all so new for me.. As my parents always let me meet my friends. Now my friends want to do my birthday dinner and I've been delaying it.
As long as your husband is ok with you going out to meet with your friends, then what does it matter if your FIL is upset? If your FIL/MIL says anything to you, simply let them know that your husband did not have an issue with it and you would appreciate them speaking to their son about it. As long as your husband is supporting to you, this should not be an issue.
As for spending 2 entire days/nights at your parents house every-single-week...that's ridiculous! Even if your husband approves, I can see why your in-laws would be annoyed at this. You are a married woman...not a child. It sounds like your parents live close-by. Nothing wrong with going over to your parents house of lunch or dinner or simply to hang out for a few hours. But you need to come to your home (i.e. that home you share with your husband) after the visit. If one of your parents is sick and need you to be there to take care of them OR if there is some other actual reason for you to spend the night....that's a separate issue. But expecting to spend 2 night every week there just because is ridiculous. And no, no reason to explain to your parents why you can't spend the night there. I'm not even sure why they expect this. Is this a normal/regular tradition in your family? Did you mother spend nights regularly at her parents after she married your father? Does your married female cousins do this?
It's common in Pakistan to spend the night at one's parents. Yes, even newly weds. Infact it's looked down upon if in laws forbid the DIL not to go spend the night at her parents' house often. OP is based in Pakistan.
^ not in all families. My SIL has been married for two year AH and only has spent a night during her sister's wedding. She comes over every weekend for dinner or to stay the whole day, but leaves for the night.
To me it really doesn't make sense to spend nights at your parents house when they live in the same town. I understand going over when you have a baby or something but regularly is crazy.
Is your business effecting your house life? like are you not able to take care of the household? Things are different before marriage, if you were busy with your business work, your mom could have cooked etc, but at the inlaws you will be responsible for cooking etc (this is just an example.)
Also, you should go talk to your MIL as soon as possible, ask her what she wanted to tell you. He might have a way to deal with your FIL. Take your time now to make your FIL love you as you will be be living with him and enjoy time with your friends later on.
Meh life is too short. Just do what you want. Be couteous and polite to your in laws at all time..Curtailing your own life is not gona make one jot of a differece. The demands will continue to grow. Also if you have a successful business continue with that. Once you lose your financial freedom you will lose a lot of independence.
Where in Pakistan is this common? Every single city? A particular city? I know families that live in Pakistan and this is the first time I’m hearing that it’s common for a newly married woman to regular spend nights at her parents house when the parents live in the same city as the girl’s husband/in-laws. I know wives who regularly spend days at their parents house but they return to their home to spend the night with their husband.
I know DIL’s that do this when her parents live in a different city and she can’t see them regularly due to distance, the parents are sick or the girl is pregnant/has a newborn. But to insist on spending 2 nights every week starting the week of ruksati…and for the parents to expect that their newlywed daughter will spend 2 nights away from her husband every week…
My sympathies for you in regards to your FIL. You already knew what kind of person he was, and you knew what you were getting into, and you will just have to accept that you cannot change him if his family hasn't been able to.
This is all an adjustment phase. Pick your battles carefully.
First, be glad that you and your husband are on the same page and he sympathizes with you.
Second, your socializing pattern with your friends will change, it will not carry on as it did before, that is a reality for most folks who get married.
Third, a lot of girls are very close to their family/parents before they get married, but to expect to spend 2 nights/week at your parents, I think that's a bit naive of you.
Right now is the time to foster your relationships with your in laws, getting people like your MIL who are reasonable to be on your side. You may never be able to get FIL on your side, but give it time, cement your place, and then you can pick and choose what battles are worth fighting.
Stay home - stop going to your parents' house twice a week. You have a home with your husband now - stay put for a while. Its only been a month.
No one stays as social as they did before marriage. I was everywhere ALLLLL the time...and now I am lucky if I get to go anywhere sometimes. Its not a bad thing...I feel I have more important things to do now. Its life, learn to roll with the punches and adapt. Right now, your married life needs more attention than socializing.
I find it a bit odd too that you are spending two nights every week at your parents' place. I don't know why you two came to that agreement, but that's between you two. This may be the underlying issue. It's possible your inlaws aren't directly saying this because it would upset you and your husband so they are finding other things to complain about. They might also think you are running away to your maikay to avoid your responsibilities. Ignore your FIL. Stay home. Learn to resolve your marital issues on your own. If you share your marital problems with people who care about you, it changes the way they see your spouse and inlaws. You don't want that. Trust me.
People don’t go every single week ( not saying it’s wrong if they do or don’t ) but yes they go every now and then. My sister in law got married and it was a tradition in her in laws for the DIL not to spend the night. There was a huge hullabaloo at such a thing and my MIL soon put a stop to this. Yes, it’s common in most places in Pakistan. I was raised in Pakistan. However, got married in the US, so never got to spend nights at my parents’ etc.
Anyways, in my opinion, if the husband and wife both are fine with the arrangement then the FIL shouldn’t be an issue. The FIL’s own wife lives in another country without him.
If you love your husband and it seems he loves you because he is fine with you staying at your parents 2 nights a week, I say for the sake of him and your marriage you tell your parents that you would like to only visit every 3 months or more. We love our family to the extreme but finding someone and getting Tha person to love us is huge so I say hold on to your husband and for his sake give his family priority. Until that bond is healed and repaired, please try to find other ways to make yourself happy at your own home with your hubby/in laws. Visiting friends the way your hubby does but as close as we are to our parents(I love mine dearly), your husband will be the one to take care of you in your old age.
Let your family know in the most polite and sweetest way ever that right now you need to concentrate on your marriage and even though you live in separate houses, they will always be close to your heart.
But as others have said here, do not talk to your parents abt the issues you face with your hubby/in laws, they are between you and your husband.
