Re: life after having kids
@rabia3983 ... Part-time vs. 12 hour shift... I'm sure she works longer than he does. But it's also just the "escape" mentality, like get away from it all.
Insurance is a big deal for anyone. I definitely wouldn't give that up especially with two small children. Maybe you can get private insurance if he's not covered through work?
Re: life after having kids
OP have to told him about this comments and how hurtful they are to you.
To Theorist, believe me my hubby has made a lot of comments that if i repeated here... all of you would tell me to leave him, if all i did was tell you he made those comments and made me cry. I have learned that he is only joking and nothing more and i have also told him that there is a time and place to every things as well.
Terebina786...that a$$hat is also at work while OP is at work...so who is she getting away from while working???
But her husband isn't joking all the time. If he is joking, those are some seriously messed up and cruel jokes.
Re: life after having kids
^^ True!
OP, I really hope that your husband's behavior will change towards you.
Re: life after having kids
Wake up lady, I posted the description of emotional and psychological abuse for you and he fits the bill perfectly, you are required to set boundaries and not allow him to breach those boundaries, you can call the abuse hotline and they will help, support a guide you. If you go to your moms house, you can get restraining orders. Please you need to call the hot line. He fits a few items posted under abuse hot line. It is obvious h is insecure and feels emasculated ad is using abuse to establish that he is the alpha.
http://www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/hotline-logo4.pngIs This Abuse?
You are here:Home/Is this Abuse?/Abuse Defined
Warning Signs and Red Flags
It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.
In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners.
If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call or chat online with an advocate to talk about what’s going on.
Telling you that you can never do anything right
Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members
Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs
Controlling every penny spent in the household
Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
Preventing you from making your own decisions
**Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
**
Preventing you from working or attending school
Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol
Re: life after having kids
But I don’t want to call it quits. I want us to go back to the way we were. May be we can do marriage counseling but I don’t think he will ever agree to it.
Re: life after having kids
Setting boundaries is your first step, be polite but firm.
Re: life after having kids
Calling the hotline does not mean quits, they will talk to you, give you guidance and support. They are there to help. He has shown you the door already, they will tell you where you can go if you temporarily need a place to go. Abusing you is a decision he is making and he has to decide stop it. He is such a lucky man and has to realize that. He is obviously feeling emasculate because he cant provide, If some how you can have a conversation with him and assure him that he is very important to you but he needs to stop disrespecting you and disallow him to disrespecting you. Leave the room or the house. In the meantime maybe this helps.
Dealing with Emotional Abuse: How to Stop Emotional Abuse - HealthyPlace
How to Stop Emotional AbuseDealing with emotional abuse isn’t always an option though, particularly in severe cases or in intimate relationships.
Abusers don’t stop emotional abuse on their own and it is up to the victims and those around them to help stop the emotional abuse. Although a victim may feel “beaten up” by the emotional abuser and may feel like they are nothing without him or her, the victim still can still stand up to the abuser and assert their own power.
Stopping the emotional abuse takes courage. Use these techniques when stopping emotional abuse:
Re: life after having kids
Calling the hotline does not mean quits,
Ummm.....she said she doesn't want to quit in reference to you suggesting that she get a restraining order against her husband when she goes to her mother's house. Wife getting restraining order against husband means she's ending it.
Re: life after having kids
He knows he is my only friend besides my mom and he knows I depend on him for almost all my emotional support.
Mizsani, why don't you have friends? You're not new to your town and it's not a small town. You don't know ANY women through work or school who you can consider a friend?! You don't know a single woman through work or your neighborhood or whatever who also gave birth within the last year and who you can hang out with?
Re: life after having kids
Ummm.....she said she doesn't want to quit in reference to you suggesting that she get a restraining order against her husband when she goes to her mother's house. Wife getting restraining order against husband means she's ending it.
She has to be prepared for violence, not that it will happen but proper planning is needed. If she goes to moms place and tells him that she does not want him to come to moms house and he goes there anyways then she has no choice but to call authorities. No one in this society encourages women to accept abuse even if she is dependent completely on the man. Many victims feel responsible but they aren't. This Punjabi boy I know he got arrested, he was issued restraining orders, ordered forced counselling and ended up a great husband. Abuse has to stop and if he chooses to walk away then that is a choice he makes.
As the article says, she needs to stand up to him and if that leads to physical violence then she can decide if she wants to keep him.
Re: life after having kids
Mizsani, why don't you have friends? You're not new to your town and it's not a small town. You don't know ANY women through work or school who you can consider a friend?! You don't know a single woman through work or your neighborhood or whatever who also gave birth within the last year and who you can hang out with?
I had friends before marriage whom my husband did not like and he would throw a fit when I hung out with them so my socializing with them kept decreasing and eventually stopped. The friends from school kept inviting me to places but hubby would throw a tantrum if I went so I stopped. They still invite me places but hubby always makes plans on days that I do so I end up not going or come back within one hour to pick up the kids. He always asks my mom to watch them and I feel to guilty to bother her. I don't have anyone to watch the kids I'd I were to hangout with anyone. We just moved to our neighborhood so idk anyone. At work, I am the youngest one. Everyone else is above 40 so they don't have kids.
I have people I consider my friend but I don't get to go anywhere with them so it's hard to share my feelings or get emotional support.
Re: life after having kids
On my way home from work, the "jokes" continued. When I parked my car and was gathering my things, he banged his hand against the car and I got really scared. He started laughing and I drove off. I had dinner out and came to my mom's. He called my mom and she tried to talk to him that I am oversensitive but I have continually told him that he needs to stop and I am very upset. He said he doesn't have time for my dramas and he has to eat and feed the kids. He also blatantly lied to my mom that I don't do anything and everyday he comes home and takes care of the kids!!!! I come home and cook, feed one of the kids, set the table... and he is still delusional that he does EVERYTHING. He puts them to bed once they fall asleep in their swing.
He then called me after an hour and said, "I know you didn't cook anything so bring me something to eat atleast." I keep marinated chicken, beef, and 3 different types of kabobs in the freezer and he knows this so I told him that he can make himself something. He said to come get the kids because he just got back from work and he is tired. He worked 5 hours today while I did 12! I just told him to drop them off if he wants.
My mom thinks I should go get the kids but then it would just be a vacation for him. He needs to really take care of them to see how hard it is.
Re: life after having kids
What lead him to bang his head like that?
Re: life after having kids
Both of you are at fault. Don't listen to these aunties but if you keep listening to these advises, you will end up getting divorced. Sit him down and talk with him. There are always two sides of coins and we only know half of the story here.
You need to make up your mind and decide what you want. The way things are going, divorce will be on the cards and that's what these aunties always want.
Re: life after having kids
What lead him to bang his head like that?
He was trying to scare me. It was his hand... not head.
Re: life after having kids
I had friends before marriage whom my husband did not like and he would throw a fit when I hung out with them so my socializing with them kept decreasing and eventually stopped. The friends from school kept inviting me to places but hubby would throw a tantrum if I went so I stopped. They still invite me places but hubby always makes plans on days that I do so I end up not going or come back within one hour to pick up the kids. He always asks my mom to watch them and I feel to guilty to bother her. I don't have anyone to watch the kids I'd I were to hangout with anyone. We just moved to our neighborhood so idk anyone. At work, I am the youngest one. Everyone else is above 40 so they don't have kids.
I have people I consider my friend but I don't get to go anywhere with them so it's hard to share my feelings or get emotional support.
Your husband is a jerk but YOU are the primary cause of your own problems. Do you enjoy playing the victim role? Do you realize that YOU are the one who is making all these choices? Choice to isolate yourself socially. Choice to wear yourself out by not hiring help.
Does your mom not enjoy spending time with your babies? I know my in-laws LOVE being able to babysit my niece b/c they love that one-on-one time to bond with her. They have done it since birth and now the niece is 9 and they still do it! You really think it's a burden on your mother for her to spend 2-3 hours a weekend with her grand babies? As for your husband making plans when you already have plans....again....if you already have plans, why can't you simply tell him that you have plans already and he can do whatever it is he is doing. If he wants to throw a fit then let him. Tell him that if he is not able to watch the kids at home then either you will ask your mother to watch them OR hire a babysitter. You make more money than he does. Why do you need his permission for every-little-thing? You don't need his permission to hire a babysitter. Did you parents really raise you with 0 self-esteem?
At work....the women who are above 40....NONE of them know anyone near you age who have small kids? Have you ever asked or mentioned to them that you would love to meet new moms in town and if they know anyone they think you would click with, to pass along your information? In your new neighborhood, what have YOU done to meet new people? Aren't there parks near where you live (There are gazillion parks in this city!)? I have friends who work full-time and meet other mothers b/c they take their kids to the park where other moms are. Yes your babies are small but that doesn't mean you can't take them to a park for a stroll, sit near other moms/kids, say "hi" and start a conversation.
You started this thread 5 days ago and have gone tons of advice/opinions. What steps have you taken in the last 5 days to improve your situation? Have you talked to your doc and started back on meds? Have you taken the time to research your counseling options? It's easy to come here and complain but in your situation, you are not helpless. You're educated, capable of being independent (since you work full-time and go out on your own), and have full access to your salary (which is more than your husband's). At this point, coming to GS and venting is not going to do anything to help you. You need to decide whether you truly want change and if you do, then take control of your own life and make changes to it.
As long as your allow your husband to control every-single-aspect of your life the way you have been doing for the last 5 years, then you have no one to blame but yourself for all the misery you're going through. Don't expect your husband to respect you until you start respecting yourself.
Re: life after having kids
When this thread started I felt bad for you OP because I understood what it's like to be a mom of multiples and know the first year is the hardest....but now I just feel sorry for your twins. You and your husband are both treating them like pawns in your ego war. I am the last person to parent shame or judge, especially a women with twins but women, you are trying my patience. Paheli is 100% correct, YOU alone are making things worse then they need to be.
Put your big girl panties on, get back on your meds, hire some help for gods sake and be the mother those babies deserve. Regardless if you ready to have them or not, they are here now and will not be going anywhere for the next 18 years at least.
Re: life after having kids
^ agree with Khattichic 100%
Re: life after having kids
Your extreme emotional dependency on your husband has left you nowhere. You allowed him to socially isolate you after marriage, yes priorities change, and you don't see your friends as often anymore, but totally not socializing with them anymore, or not making new friends?
You make more than him, you have health coverage for the whole family, you work more hours than him, and he still is able to treat you like shyt and give you no credit for what you bring to the table. He is able to taunt you and hit the car to "scare" you? That's not very funny especially given your tense situation. That's in poor taste, and so are all his other verbal jabs. And to say to your infant son that his mother wants to eat before feeding her son? That's low, I don't even have the right words.
Khattichic & Paheli are absolutely right. The babies are here, whether you had/have maternal instincts or not, whether you wanted them or not. The decision to conceive them was consensual. Now it is equally your responsibility to take care of them. You decision to drive off after being upset (rightfully) with your husband, and have dinner outside/be with your mom, with 2 infants at home, I really don't think that was wise. It comes off as immature. You will have to learn to stand your ground, and communicate with your husband in an adult manner. You will need to slowly shed that image of someone who constantly needs his approval. He needs to take your concerns seriously. I would suggest writing down your concerns, from household chores, cooking, take care of babies and what you expect from him, and he should be able to do that for you too. You both will need to find a middle ground with realistic expectations. If you both can't agree on that, then you need counseling.
Re: life after having kids
When this thread started I felt bad for you OP because I understood what it's like to be a mom of multiples and know the first year is the hardest....but now I just feel sorry for your twins. You and your husband are both treating them like pawns in your ego war. I am the last person to parent shame or judge, especially a women with twins but women, you are trying my patience. Paheli is 100% correct, YOU alone are making things worse then they need to be.
Put your big girl panties on, get back on your meds, hire some help for gods sake and be the mother those babies deserve. Regardless if you ready to have them or not, they are here now and will not be going anywhere for the next 18 years at least.
**THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**I understand you're dealing with a lot OP - but really - you need to grow up a little bit.
My son was unplanned and even though I wanted kids, the timing was way off. Everything was up in the air, we were newlyweds who barely knew each other, financial issues, etc etc etc.
In the beginning, my husband also had these strange expectations that came from his mom and his sisters who were amazing homemakers as well as working women. I was supposed to be superwoman and have it all under control as soon as I got discharged. He seemed to forget that they also went through what I went through until he heard it from their mouths. There were many nights of arguments where I tried to talk to him about my PPD but it wasn't going anywhere because he couldn't help me. He didn't have this baby, I did. If I needed help, I had to go and get it myself. So, I did. I got help because I was not the mother I wanted to be. And I guess I don't understand why you're not alarmed by the disconnect between you and your babies.
What I'd like to ask you OP is...what are you doing? What do you think you're doing? Do you think you're teaching your husband a lesson? Probably not. You are however losing time with your babies...who will eventually not be infants for too long and grow up to see this ping pong game. You're losing this battle...you're not winning anything and you will be sorry you wasted this time doing what you're doing.
1) You never leave your home. You want to stay married and keep your kids? Stay put and fix it. Because if something goes wrong and you guys end up going kaput...this can be used against you.
2) You don't dump your kids on anyone - even if he is their father - and just take off. Your kids are YOUR responsibility - REGARDLESS of who is sharing that responsibility with you. You are STILL responsible for them and they should come first for you. Before your ego, before your whining and and wayyyyy before this constant complaining about how life sucks now that you have kids.
3) I feel bad for these babies...they seem unappreciated and unwanted...like a burden for you. If you guys don't want them, I know of a very sweet and loving couple who is dying to have kids and has tried every avenue of treatment...they will be overjoyed to adopt a set of twins. I am serious about this.
4) Suck it up.