Re: life after having kids
please stop using the kids as an excuse or pawns in your threats and negotiations.
this is deplorable.
you guys need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about your communication issues.
Re: life after having kids
Oh dear. Seems to be going from bad to worse. Take a deep breath and go to your babies. Don't be scared of your husband. You are in this together. Get some help and try to get some rest. Once you are better and have had some solid sleep things will look better.
Re: life after having kids
Your husband is a jerk but YOU are the primary cause of your own problems. Do you enjoy playing the victim role? Do you realize that YOU are the one who is making all these choices? Choice to isolate yourself socially. Choice to wear yourself out by not hiring help.
Does your mom not enjoy spending time with your babies? I know my in-laws LOVE being able to babysit my niece b/c they love that one-on-one time to bond with her. They have done it since birth and now the niece is 9 and they still do it! You really think it's a burden on your mother for her to spend 2-3 hours a weekend with her grand babies? As for your husband making plans when you already have plans....again....if you already have plans, why can't you simply tell him that you have plans already and he can do whatever it is he is doing. If he wants to throw a fit then let him. Tell him that if he is not able to watch the kids at home then either you will ask your mother to watch them OR hire a babysitter. You make more money than he does. Why do you need his permission for every-little-thing? You don't need his permission to hire a babysitter. Did you parents really raise you with 0 self-esteem?
At work....the women who are above 40....NONE of them know anyone near you age who have small kids? Have you ever asked or mentioned to them that you would love to meet new moms in town and if they know anyone they think you would click with, to pass along your information? In your new neighborhood, what have YOU done to meet new people? Aren't there parks near where you live (There are gazillion parks in this city!)? I have friends who work full-time and meet other mothers b/c they take their kids to the park where other moms are. Yes your babies are small but that doesn't mean you can't take them to a park for a stroll, sit near other moms/kids, say "hi" and start a conversation.
You started this thread 5 days ago and have gone tons of advice/opinions. What steps have you taken in the last 5 days to improve your situation? Have you talked to your doc and started back on meds? Have you taken the time to research your counseling options? It's easy to come here and complain but in your situation, you are not helpless. You're educated, capable of being independent (since you work full-time and go out on your own), and have full access to your salary (which is more than your husband's). At this point, coming to GS and venting is not going to do anything to help you. You need to decide whether you truly want change and if you do, then take control of your own life and make changes to it.
As long as your allow your husband to control every-single-aspect of your life the way you have been doing for the last 5 years, then you have no one to blame but yourself for all the misery you're going through. Don't expect your husband to respect you until you start respecting yourself.
Mom watches them on the days I work so I don't want to have to ask her to watch them even more. He can ask his own mom but he chooses not to because last time she told him to stay at home or tell me to stay at home to watch them.
I am back on my meds. I have been looking for a mother's helper and I got some numbers for maids.
I have had a serious conversation with him.
I did let him get away with all of this and now I have put a stop to it. He called and apologized alot. He said he will no longer taunt me. I told him that if he dislikes the way I clean, he can do it himself or I can hire someone but if he ever complains again I will stop cleaning altogether.
He will be helping around the house and he will stop making insane demands. He said he will bring dinner the days I can't cook.
I told him if he really wants me to quit or go part time than he can tell me now but we both agreed that him going part time is the better option.
He did not agree to a baby sitter because he does not trust others with them and he thinks the babies are too young to go to daycare. Plus, their pediatrician told us not to allow too many people around them until the cold season is over so i am waiting till march to really hire someone. However, we do plan o sending them to Islamic school as soon as they get accepted (hopefully when they are 2).
I know I am the reason he acts like this and I have to be strong now because the kids can not grow up with a mother who has no spine and can not stand up for herself.
I will no longer take his verbal abuse and taunting. I can not live unhappily forever and my kids need a happy mother.
Re: life after having kids
Cooking on the weekend has helped me out a lot. I make 4-5 dishes on Sunday and don't have to worry about it for the rest of the week.
InshAllah he will stick to his words, but i have a feeling that you will have to have the "talk" with him over and over again (nothing wrong with it, just for reminder purposes.)
also, bring in one helper person at home during the cold season isn't going to make the kids sick. I have been using a cleaning service since my LO was 6 months old...he never got sick from them. If you can avoid daycare, thn you should.
Ask to divide up things at home. Give him the task...like laundry, dishes, and you can keep the cleaning and cooking.
Good luck!
Re: life after having kids
Thanks everyone. I think also night showed us both that I can't live without these adorable babies of mine and he can not function without me. I got some really sensible and blunt advice and I have started putting it to use. I know I need to appreciate the babies more because they are truly a blessing for us. I missed them so much last night and regret leaving them with him. I should have thought of him them before leaving but I knew they were in good hands..he may not be a great husband but he is a great dad.
Things are ok now and I am very grateful for all the advice. I am really praying that he will change for good and so will I
Re: life after having kids
Good! I am glad you are being proactive in making changes to your life. In addition to all this, you need to tell your husband that if he does want the kids being watched by a babysitter OR ask his mother to watch them, then HE needs to watch them 2-3 hours a week while YOU go out on your own and relax. Whether you go hang out with your old friends, go work out, run/bike in park/yoga, go to the library/coffee shop read whatever…1 day every week for 2-3 hours YOU need to go do something without your husband/mom/babies. An activity that you find relaxing. Again, either you ask your mother to watch the babies for 2-3 hours or tell your husband he MUST watch them if he doesn’t want a babysitter. You also wrote earlier about his sister watching the babies…so talk to her and if she’s willing, have her watch the babies for 2-3 hours every week while you get some “me time”.
Additonally, you MUST meet other mom’s in your area asap! Social/emotional support from other mom’s in a must for every mom…but especially one that’s working and dealing with twin premies. Start asking your co-workers if they know any new mom’s you can get to know in your area. I’m pretty sure you didn’t give birth at a ghetto hospital like Ben Taub since you have good insurance. Call your hospital or your OB and ask if they can provide you information on support groups for mom’s with premies OR women dealing with postpartum depression.
I spent literally 5 minutes searching on FB and came up with the following groups for your to meet other moms:
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Programs/Class Events - Fit4Mom Missouri City/Sugar Land ** This fitness center has classes where you can take your babies in a stroller AND work-out! And they will help you keep babies entertain.
There are several GS members who also live in our city (and have babies!) Read out to them! You have 0 excuses for not knowing other mom’s who you can talk to, go hang out WITH your babies, and rely on for emotional support.
Re: life after having kids
I think many on GS knows how much I love store bought naan/roti, I would strongly recommend you to join my club at least on the days you are working.
Make your life a little easy.
Re: life after having kids
OP are you in Houston? If so, lets meet up.
Re: life after having kids
Thanks everyone. I think also night showed us both that I can't live without these adorable babies of mine and he can not function without me. I got some really sensible and blunt advice and I have started putting it to use. I know I need to appreciate the babies more because they are truly a blessing for us. I missed them so much last night and regret leaving them with him. I should have thought of him them before leaving but I knew they were in good hands..he may not be a great husband but he is a great dad. Things are ok now and I am very grateful for all the advice. I am really praying that he will change for good and so will I
Just as you cannot be a father to them...your husband cannot be a mother to them. No one is you and no one can be you.
I am not saying you should never take time out for yourself...but leaving them with him in anger like this was a horrible move.
I really hope you guys understand what a beautiful blessing children are...parents go through hell and high water to have ONE...and here you are with TWO Mashallah. Go read the Parenting forum's pinned threads...read the posts of girls who are praying night and day to be blessed with just one.
Honestly, I pray that Allah puts your babies' love in both of your hearts. Ameen. Summa Ameen.
Re: life after having kids
OP make sure you set boundaries this time and don't let them be breached, sometimes it becomes a cycle of abuse. Also it is a very well documented technique that abusers isolate the victims and don't allow friendships and bonds, make sure you have friends and support group and you become emotionally independent. Good on you for standing up, If you refuse to be abused he cant do it. Good luck.
Re: life after having kids
This ^
Even if she was a SAHM, I think her husband is pretty demanding. The guys I know, who are extremely successful career professionals with SAHW, even they don't expect garam rotis and pristine homes. These men help their wives with bathing, feeding and playing with the kids and they don't make passive aggressive comments to their wives. They see their wives as their partner and respect them and make concessions for changed circumstances after kids.