I feel like my life is completely ruined. Hubby and I were so happy before and now things have started to go down the drain including my health, sanity, and happiness.
I wanted to wait to have kids but hubby really insisted. He made all of these commitments that he would reduce his hours at work to help me with the kids but that never happened. Now he is pushing me to go back to school for my masters but idk how I will manage everything on my own. He again is claiming he would go part time but I don’t believe him. He reassures me but when others are around, he acts like that isn’t gonna happen.
He has started taunting me about every little thing or maybe I am oversensitive to the taunts now than I was before… but I am so misserable. I want to leave because this is not the life I wanted for myself.
Marriage is a difficult thing to get into and maintain. Marriage means sacrifice, bonding, compromise etc. You can't just 'leave'. Don't be so selfish, especially if you still love your husband and have feelings for him. Nothing comes easy in life, and it is hard to be a home maker. You have to juggle so many things together at the same time, I don't know for how long you have been married, but I think you need to exercise patience and time management. Everything can be done, if you put your head into it.
How old is your child(ren)? If you have a newborn/small baby, have you talked to your OB about possible PPD? If not, please do so. You are not crazy, or selfish or lazy. You sound exhausted and overworked. I’ve been there (hell, I think I still *am *there, although my kids are much older now, it doesn’t get easier, only the scope changes).
The most important thing I’ve learned is that others (husband, Inlaws etc) can only treat you how you allow them too. Sunno sab ki, karro apni. If your husband isn’t helping you as he said he would, then take control and manage it your own way. Without nagging or fighting. If that means letting go of certain things around the house or making one less salan then so be it. As far as going back to school or degrees what not, you will be the one studying so it’s 100% your decision, not his. Be firm, but calm and gentle when the conversation comes up. Do not commit to anything until he changes his schedule or shoes ya tangible proof through his actions that he is going to live up to his promises.
What kind of taunts is he giving you? Are you sure he’s not just frustrated himself? When kids come into the picture, it’s just as hard on fathers as it is the mother. You both need it find common ground and just communicate a little more effectively. Don’t make it a battle of the egos because you’ll both come out losing.
Marriage is a difficult thing to get into and maintain. Marriage means sacrifice, bonding, compromise etc. You can't just 'leave'. Don't be so selfish, especially if you still love your husband and have feelings for him. Nothing comes easy in life, and it is hard to be a home maker. You have to juggle so many things together at the same time, I don't know for how long you have been married, but I think you need to exercise patience and time management. Everything can be done, if you put your head into it.
I don't even love him sometimes. When he is taunting and passive aggresive, I just want to walk away. I feel like I wasn't ready to be a mother and I never had the home maker gene. He had agreed to stay home with them by going part time and now I feel so betrayed.
Your situation is much the same as mine. My twins were also born premature and long stays in the NICU, but I had a toddler at home as well, was not working and husband was sole provider. After the twins' delivery (which was pretty traumatic) I developed hypertension, came down with shingles,, had to have a complete hysterectomy...we had a mountain of debt from two back to back IVF's, one of our twins had some developmental delays and needed OT, the list goes on and on...You know how you say you were not entirely ready for kids? Well in my case, it wasn't my husband who was entirely ready for the second round of IVF. I insisted. My medical condition that was causing the infertility was only going to worsen as I got older and time wasn't on my side. It happens, resentments are natural, but you MUST find a way to get over them.
You are **both **under an extreme amount of stress, it hasn't even been a year! The very first thing you need to do is get back on your meds for the PPD. NOW! I suspect that is a big factor in all of this. You're no good to anyone unless you're healthy and relaxed. If your husband doesn't like the thought of the meds (mind didn't either), take them quietly and don't make a big deal out of it or hold it over him. You have to get yourself heaalty, I cannot stress that enough. Right now, do what you need to do to get your PPD and thyroid issues under control. Don't make any hasty decisions about going back to school just yet.
Your husband needs to get educated about depression and mental illness. I can't believe he jokes about it and doesn't take it seriously! Take your meds!!!
You need to start taking the Zoloft regularly. There is no need to tell your husband that are you taking it if you already know he's not going to be supportive. You work so you clearly have the ability to fill the prescription on your own. Additionally, you should also look into getting into some type of counseling. Again, no need to discuss this with your husband. Do whatever YOU need to do in order to get YOU in a better shape. In your case, unfortunately this includes not sharing every single detail of what you're doing with your husband. I believe you work in the medical field and are in Houston. I know a lot of the places here have Employee Assistance programs for employees which includes free counseling. If you work does not offer this, there are also low-cost options available. Please look into this.
Consider getting a maid to come in once-a-week OR hire a "mother's helper" for a few days a week to lighten your load a little. You need to lessen your stress physically and psychologically. Since your husband has chosen not to keep his promises, it's time for you to take control of the situation. Your husband may not like this and will most likely taunt you for getting the help....but getting this help is in YOUR best interest.....which in the long run is in the best interest of your children. There are MANY cheap options for maids/mother's helpers in Houston. All you need to do is look.
Please do not go back to school right now. That will increase your stress because that's one more thing you need to do (classes, exams etc.). Please do NOT add any more big stress in your life (such as school) until you have the current situation under control.
Aww..i really want to give u a tight hug. Husbands dont understand how tiring it is. I say i lost myself during child bearig/rearing. Nowthat my younger is AH 18 months, they enhage in self play and i get time for half an hour to myslef. Thigs will get better IA.
Why would you want your husband to go part time, are you currently working? There are tens of millions of single moms who are looking after children, working and looking great all at the same time. Is it something in the eastern upbringing where some ladies are incapable of living a normal life and look after their responsibilities. I look at many young ladies and wonder how they will have a successful life.
Tonight we had plans to go to a dawat and he fought with me for not picking the right clothes for them. He said that it is cold outside and my son's outfit doesn't have sleeves. So I told him to put a jacket on. He then said he doesn't want to go anymore. So I decided to go to bed because I just got back from my 12 hour shift. He came and asked which baby I want to feed and he said "you can pick. I don't mind feeding my kids." So I told him to feed both. Then he started yelling and saying "be a mother. This is exactly what I expected you to say."
Why would you want your husband to go part time, are you currently working? There are tens of millions of single moms who are looking after children, working and looking great all at the same time. Is it something in the eastern upbringing where some ladies are incapable of living a normal life and look after their responsibilities. I look at many young ladies and wonder how they will have a successful life.
Yes, I am working.
I am not a single mom though and the kids aren't just my responsibility
Why would you want your husband to go part time, are you currently working? There are tens of millions of single moms who are looking after children, working and looking great all at the same time. Is it something in the eastern upbringing where some ladies are incapable of living a normal life and look after their responsibilities. I look at many young ladies and wonder how they will have a successful life.
In the western world, the women expect men to pull equal weight. And if people work, look after kids and look great on the outside doesn't mean they are living an amazing life inside. Its hard.
Op, please don't go to school just yet. Wait until the kids are older. I think you are doing a great job and don't take your husband's words to heart. He's not being great right now ( stress has got o him with the 60 hour weeks) but try not to let that effect your mental state of mind. Ignore the barbs and do the best you can. You don't have to announce to him each time you pop a Zololoft. And yes, see a therapist if you can. IA, this too shall pass. Having one child when you are a stay at home mom is hard enough. I can't imagine two, with working full time especially when you were not ready either. Hugs!
Your situation is much the same as mine. My twins were also born premature and long stays in the NICU, but I had a toddler at home as well, was not working and husband was sole provider. After the twins' delivery (which was pretty traumatic) I developed hypertension, came down with shingles,, had to have a complete hysterectomy...we had a mountain of debt from two back to back IVF's, one of our twins had some developmental delays and needed OT, the list goes on and on...You know how you say you were not entirely ready for kids? Well in my case, it wasn't my husband who was entirely ready for the second round of IVF. I insisted. My medical condition that was causing the infertility was only going to worsen as I got older and time wasn't on my side. It happens, resentments are natural, but you MUST find a way to get over them.
You are **both **under an extreme amount of stress, it hasn't even been a year! The very first thing you need to do is get back on your meds for the PPD. NOW! I suspect that is a big factor in all of this. You're no good to anyone unless you're healthy and relaxed. If your husband doesn't like the thought of the meds (mind didn't either), take them quietly and don't make a big deal out of it or hold it over him. You have to get yourself heaalty, I cannot stress that enough. Right now, do what you need to do to get your PPD and thyroid issues under control. Don't make any hasty decisions about going back to school just yet.
Yaaa I am going to hold off on going back to school at least my health improves. He was asking whether I had applied yet and I told him I am still thinking about it. Then he started pushinh and I just ignored it.
Aww..i really want to give u a tight hug. Husbands dont understand how tiring it is. I say i lost myself during child bearig/rearing. Nowthat my younger is AH 18 months, they enhage in self play and i get time for half an hour to myslef. Thigs will get better IA.
Thank you. This was encouraging.
Mizsani,
You need to start taking the Zoloft regularly. There is no need to tell your husband that are you taking it if you already know he's not going to be supportive. You work so you clearly have the ability to fill the prescription on your own. Additionally, you should also look into getting into some type of counseling. Again, no need to discuss this with your husband. Do whatever YOU need to do in order to get YOU in a better shape. In your case, unfortunately this includes not sharing every single detail of what you're doing with your husband. I believe you work in the medical field and are in Houston. I know a lot of the places here have Employee Assistance programs for employees which includes free counseling. If you work does not offer this, there are also low-cost options available. Please look into this.
Consider getting a maid to come in once-a-week OR hire a "mother's helper" for a few days a week to lighten your load a little. You need to lessen your stress physically and psychologically. Since your husband has chosen not to keep his promises, it's time for you to take control of the situation. Your husband may not like this and will most likely taunt you for getting the help....but getting this help is in YOUR best interest.....which in the long run is in the best interest of your children. There are MANY cheap options for maids/mother's helpers in Houston. All you need to do is look.
Please do not go back to school right now. That will increase your stress because that's one more thing you need to do (classes, exams etc.). Please do NOT add any more big stress in your life (such as school) until you have the current situation under control.
I have been considering counseling for a while but it is hard to get anyone to watch them besides the days I work. I called a maid a couple of times but the cleaning wasn't good enough for hubby. Plus it is hard to tell them what I want done when I am trying to deal with two crying babies... They get very upset when they hear the vaccum. I may try another company for a maid who would do the cleaning without being followed around.
Mothers helper is a great idea. I will start to look for one. If someone could watch them from 5p-7p twice a week, I think I would be so relaxed when hubby gets home.
Op, please don't go to school just yet. Wait until the kids are older. I think you are doing a great job and don't take your husband's words to heart. He's not being great right now ( stress has got o him with the 60 hour weeks) but try not to let that effect your mental state of mind. Ignore the barbs and do the best you can. You don't have to announce to him each time you pop a Zololoft. And yes, see a therapist if you can. IA, this too shall pass. Having one child when you are a stay at home mom is hard enough. I can't imagine two, with working full time especially when you were not ready either. Hugs!
I did take a zoloft... now I have insomnia lol. If it was just watching the kids and working, I could handle it. But hubby wants the house spotless and home cooked meals. He was hinting that once the kids are a bit older, I need to start making roti again too. I just laughed and said those days are gone.
Wow! Your husband seems to be one of those desi men who think a woman should be western enough to work full time and desi enough to shoulder most of the household responsibilities, while raising perfect kids. While men are just supposed to go to work and then waited on hand and foot.
I have twins too and have gone through something similar to you.
Take your medicine and dont take it in front of him.
You admit he is helping you a bit with the feedings, so try to ignore the tauntings for now. Or say something like its better for the kids if we work as a team.
Do not start your studies now. Get your health in order and wait until the kids are older.
If you can afford it, do try to arrange for help even for the weekend or a couple hours a day. Or get someone to cook the food.
I promise things will get better as the kids get older and more independent. Hugs. Dont lose hope.
