Pardon my bluntness, but based on what I read here, the biggest issue you two have is unnecessary egos. You guys are not the first couple who have little kids and both husband and wife are full time working. You guys are also not the first couple where wife is making more than the hubby. Instead of you two counting your blessings that both of you have full time jobs, both are earning enough to afford a maid, or have families who are though not perfect but available to help out with kids, you two are fighting and questioning each other on everything.
Of course in this thread it looks like that it’s your hubby’s fault. But if we give him a chance to come to this thread, it will very soon appear that you are at fault too. Its not because you two are not perfect (as no one in this world is), but because you two are on a mission to find faults in each other.
Sorry to say, but more than your kids, you two need to grow up.
Thanks everyone! All of the suggestions have been great.
I make twice the amount that hubby does per hour. So if he reduces 30 hours, it would be the same as me reducing just one 12 hour shift. Hence, it makes more sense for him to go part time. Also, our preemies need the health insurance my work offers. I explained this to him and now he has agreed to it if I just take one class next semester. And I think that would work for me.
Socialization is with his family and I really do not like to go but hubby is the one who wants to attend these gatherings.
I have decided that if he picks on me again about cleaning... I will just get a maid and if he still complains about them. I will tell him to do it himself.
Also, I will have to talk to him about the mothers helper. Like yesterday his sister wanted to watch them so I could get a break so he asked me when I would pick them up and I told him that I have asked his sister to call me whenever she gets tired. He replied... "so u won't pick them up if she doesn't call u." And anytime I talk about hiring someone to watch them just for few hours in the evening, he refuses. He says to drop them to his mom but his mom asks me like a billion questions about why and where I am going so I just don't even drop them there. I told him that I don't like to explain it so he said he will talk to his mom but I don't want any issues.
Whenever, you want someone to watch your kids, you give them a time when you will pick them, you don't say call me when you are tired. Someone watching your kid is doing a big favor to you, so how about being a little courteous.
Whenever, you want someone to watch your kids, you give them a time when you will pick them, you don't say call me when you are tired. Someone watching your kid is doing a big favor to you, so how about being a little courteous.
I did not ask her to watch them she said she really missed them and wanted to see them. I asked what time should I pick them up so she said she wants to keep them for a couple of hours. So I told her to call me whenever. Then I texted her within 2 hours to see if I should come pick them up... and she said no she wanted more time with them.
Thanks everyone! All of the suggestions have been great.
I make twice the amount that hubby does per hour. So if he reduces 30 hours, it would be the same as me reducing just one 12 hour shift. Hence, it makes more sense for him to go part time. Also, our preemies need the health insurance my work offers. I explained this to him and now he has agreed to it if I just take one class next semester. And I think that would work for me.
Socialization is with his family and I really do not like to go but hubby is the one who wants to attend these gatherings.
I have decided that if he picks on me again about cleaning... I will just get a maid and if he still complains about them. I will tell him to do it himself.
Also, I will have to talk to him about the mothers helper. Like yesterday his sister wanted to watch them so I could get a break so he asked me when I would pick them up and I told him that I have asked his sister to call me whenever she gets tired. He replied... "so u won't pick them up if she doesn't call u." And anytime I talk about hiring someone to watch them just for few hours in the evening, he refuses. He says to drop them to his mom but his mom asks me like a billion questions about why and where I am going so I just don't even drop them there. I told him that I don't like to explain it so he said he will talk to his mom but I don't want any issues.
I kind of figured that you make way more them him. Many men get insecure with wives making more money and perhaps it is his insecurities that are making him criticize you. A woman in this society has more power, a wife that is a mother also has a huge say in things and a wife who is a mother who also makes twice as much should probably be the major decision maker so where does he get to force you to visit the in laws, keep the house like so and demand fresh rotis.
He seems to be nitpicking just for the sake of it. He should be happy your job covers the healthcare for the kids. What is his aim by running you down? If God forbid anything were to happen to you how would he support you and your kids? He should be making your life easier not making absurd demands.
Hire the maid, take some annual leave, relax, get better and don't put up with his crap after 12 hr shifts. And if he says hr was joking tell him you don't find his passive aggressiveness funny and to give it a rest.
Also it seems like you are getting annoyed easily too. The comment about "so you wouldn't pick them if she doesn't call you" wouldn't bother me. Just tell him it has been pre arranged and walk away. Don't rise to every comment and don't don't it to heart.
Pardon my bluntness, but based on what I read here, the biggest issue you two have is unnecessary egos. You guys are not the first couple who have little kids and both husband and wife are full time working. You guys are also not the first couple where wife is making more than the hubby. Instead of you two counting your blessings that both of you have full time jobs, both are earning enough to afford a maid, or have families who are though not perfect but available to help out with kids, you two are fighting and questioning each other on everything.
Of course in this thread it looks like that it’s your hubby’s fault. But if we give him a chance to come to this thread, it will very soon appear that you are at fault too. Its not because you two are not perfect (as no one in this world is), but because you two are on a mission to find faults in each other.
Sorry to say, but more than your kids, you two need to grow up.
But then he had made promises and commitments that he did not want to keep. The domestic laws here are that you cant pressure your wife to do anything she don't want to do. She doesn't want to cook roti or clean learn to put up with it or if she don't want to go visit your pappi.
I did not ask her to watch them she said she really missed them and wanted to see them. I asked what time should I pick them up so she said she wants to keep them for a couple of hours. So I told her to call me whenever. Then I texted her within 2 hours to see if I should come pick them up... and she said no she wanted more time with them.
I don't need any explanation, however it depends how you talk to your husband. If your conversation was along the lines of your initial post, no wonder you got the reply that he gave you. Like TLk said you both have big egos, if both you and your husband start talking polietly with each other, things will get better pretty soon.
Why does your husband want you to do your masters now, at this stage? All the baby books I have read say that if housework is sliding let it go for a while, but it seems as if there is too much pressure being put on you. Its hard having a baby and two is harder. Kudos to you. Your husband should not expect you to bear the major brunt of housework and it being done perfectly.
I don't need any explanation, however it depends how you talk to your husband. If your conversation was along the lines of your initial post, no wonder you got the reply that he gave you. Like TLk said you both have big egos, if both you and your husband start talking polietly with each other, things will get better pretty soon.
The way she handled criticism here shows that she is very down to earth, she is being subjected to psychological and emotional abuse and wanting abuse to stop is not ego, she has an obligation and duty to make it stop as it is very harmful for babies
Hubby doesn't have a career... he has a job that he can get back anytime he wants. I only have two years of experience in my field so my career would take a major hit if I were to go part time and we would take longer to become financially stable. Plus at my work, I don't have the option to go part time but he does. Hence, it makes more sense for him to cut back some hours.
He agreed to do just that so let's hope that changes your situation a bit. One of the two things will happen, he will realize how much work it is to raise two kids and he will begin to appreciate your efforts or he will begin to resent you and taunt you even more for running away from your respinsibilities. I think you should get a maid and explain to your husband that you need help until your kids grow a little bit older and he should focus on building his career until he can make enough to cover all expenses and then you can be a SAHM. That way he will see you do care about his concerns and you are seeing thinga from his perspective. He won'the have a choice but to let you hire a maid. Talk to him about your longterm goals and where you two see yourselves in 5 years or so. If he says he would rather look after the kids himself and go go part time then he would only have himself to blame because you left it up to him to decide.
I kind of figured that you make way more them him. Many men get insecure with wives making more money and perhaps it is his insecurities that are making him criticize you. A woman in this society has more power, a wife that is a mother also has a huge say in things and a wife who is a mother who also makes twice as much should probably be the major decision maker so where does he get to force you to visit the in laws, keep the house like so and demand fresh rotis.
I guess when I was not a mother and we just had a small apartment, we got used to attending dawats, a spotless place, and fresh rotis.... he is having a hard time letting it go. It is my fault too because I look to him for approval and that is setting myself up for failure. He knows he is my only friend besides my mom and he knows I depend on him for almost all my emotional support. If he gets disappointed or makes remarks, I need to stop focusing on it.
He seems to be nitpicking just for the sake of it. He should be happy your job covers the healthcare for the kids. What is his aim by running you down? If God forbid anything were to happen to you how would he support you and your kids? He should be making your life easier not making absurd demands.
Hire the maid, take some annual leave, relax, get better and don't put up with his crap after 12 hr shifts. And if he says hr was joking tell him you don't find his passive aggressiveness funny and to give it a rest.
Also it seems like you are getting annoyed easily too. The comment about "so you wouldn't pick them if she doesn't call you" wouldn't bother me. Just tell him it has been pre arranged and walk away. Don't rise to every comment and don't don't it to heart.
I don't have any Leave/PTO left as I used it all for FMLA after I had the kids.
Today when I got back from work, the first thing he said to me was "you say you have been been cleaning the kitchen counters... I just cleaned them." I politely said thank you.
Then when I was cooking, he said "why did you put oil in my paratha? Fry them without oil." So I told him I will make one without oil... he ended up not liking that one.
While setting the able, he asked me to feed our son so I told him that food will get cold and let's eat first as it has been 8 hours since I had lunch and I am starving. So he started talking to our son and saying, "see mommy is going to eat first before feeding you. Sorry baby." So I told him I am getting really sick of the taunting 24/7. He said he was joking and he can't even joke with me anymore. So I told him that he keeps making these passive aggresive comments all the time and they don't feel like a joke. He said sometimes he is giving me tanay but this time it was a joke. I told him it is all the time so it is hard to tell when it is a joke and when it is not. Even if it is a joke, it needs to stop because I do not find it funny.
You are right. I have become oversensitive. It just feels like everything he says is meant to hurt because it is quite alot of jabs per day. I need to stop taking it to heart because I feel I ke he doesn't appreciate anything I do.
He agreed to do just that so let's hope that changes your situation a bit. One of the two things will happen, he will realize how much work it is to raise two kids and he will begin to appreciate your efforts or he will begin to resent you and taunt you even more for running away from your respinsibilities. I think you should get a maid and explain to your husband that you need help until your kids grow a little bit older and he should focus on building his career until he can make enough to cover all expenses and then you can be a SAHM. That way he will see you do care about his concerns and you are seeing thinga from his perspective. He won'the have a choice but to let you hire a maid. Talk to him about your longterm goals and where you two see yourselves in 5 years or so. If he says he would rather look after the kids himself and go go part time then he would only have himself to blame because you left it up to him to decide.
This is a great idea. I will talk to him when we r both off.
I don't need any explanation, however it depends how you talk to your husband. If your conversation was along the lines of your initial post, no wonder you got the reply that he gave you. Like TLk said you both have big egos, if both you and your husband start talking polietly with each other, things will get better pretty soon.
You are right. Perhaps I should have explained it to him. I will work on being more polite... it may improve his passive aggressiveness too. Thanks
You are handling yourself remarkably well given the circumstances. From your recent post you are being very accommodating to your husband. Hope he sees some sense aoo.
I am actually shocked that a guy expects and in fact demands fresh and garam, garam rotis from a wife who works full-time (and that too, 12 hour shifts in one go) and is raising his less-than one year old twins, as well keeping the home tidy.
Your priority is to raise your kids and to provide for your children. You do not need to pander to your husband and his expectations of a clean home and fresh meals. If it happens - great, if he has to eat left-overs and pick up on the cleaning himself - that's for him to do. Do your best, but don't let him make you feel like a lesser person for being human.
I am actually shocked that a guy expects and in fact demands fresh and garam, garam rotis from a wife who works full-time (and that too, 12 hour shifts in one go) and is raising his less-than one year old twins, as well keeping the home tidy.
Your priority is to raise your kids and to provide for your children. You do not need to pander to your husband and his expectations of a clean home and fresh meals. If it happens - great, if he has to eat left-overs and pick up on the cleaning himself - that's for him to do. Do your best, but don't let him make you feel like a lesser person for being human.
^ he expects it because he didn't want her to work. She is working because she wants too. Also, we don't know the deal and conversation they had when she decided to go back to work. Maybe OP made promises to guaranteed him that nothing will change from her working.
I feel she is doing more than her fair share. House cleaning, gram rotis and food are too much. This guy is a Saas in the shape of husband.
Joking on PPD, because this is probably very foreign to most Pakistanis, he will never admit it. Take a few months break from work, and work on your health.