We all thought of him as a horrible person as that is how you portrayed him, if you are not obligated to do 12 hr shifts and are choosing to pay more attention to your career than that is a choice you made. Seems like both parents are putting their career before the babies and no one is seeing them as a bundle of joy and celebrating their birth You had mentioned that you did not want kids and your maternal instincts have not kicked in, maybe your husband senses that. You re mentioning dawats n stuff and every dawat seem to end in argument, can you not skip dawats for a couple of years and put up with untidy house and eat sandwiches and reheated food. We stopped socializing and my wife quit her six figure job. My VP stayed home or 7 yrs to raise kds and they survived on his wifes income. People have to set priorities. If you are both putting your careers ahead of the babies and both think they are a burden I am sure many childless parents would be willing to love them
We do care for them and love them but it is so difficult to do everything to the level that my hubby expects. I can take care of them but hubby is constantly complaining about little things like why they are wearing short sleeves or the way I put on their diaper or why they didn't get a bath or putting headband on my daughter... and the list goes on constantly.
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Then why were you protecting him when we thought that he is not so nice a person, he lied to you, he didn't keep his promise, puts his needs before his families, doesn't help as much as needed and is criticizing you, taunting you and even yelling at you. What kind of an example is he going to be for the children. People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I have helped people under abusive situations and to make someone feel worthless and to be overly controlling are the first symptoms. Stand up to him. Make him fix his ways or show him the door.
Had a seripud conversation him about him going part time. He said he will let his boss know and go part time starting in August.
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The next time he taunts me about the kids, I will tell him how it makes me feel. I doubt that he can't help himself.
Had a seripud conversation him about him going part time. He said he will let his boss know and go part time starting in August.
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The next time he taunts me about the kids, I will tell him how it makes me feel. I doubt that he can't help himself.
How I wished to be a sty home father, he would be a luck man to spend time with his kids. My wife quit her job sooner than I could say cheese and I had to work my buns off to replace her income. Does he know to make gool rotis??
Wow.. Some of the remarks! She is here to ask for help, already fighting ppd, not to hear that she doesn't deserve kids or anything along those lines or the tone.
Wow.. Some of the remarks! She is here to ask for help, already fighting ppd, not to hear that she doesn't deserve kids or anything along those lines or the tone.
Exactly. Just because I am a woman, everyone is suggesting that I stay at home.
Or that I don't deserve them. I did want kids in the future... I just was not ready and feel betrayed by my husband for the false promises and the taunting. I don't think that I am a bad mother just because I am unhappy with being picked on by my hubby constantly. The issue is not going to get resolved even if I were to quit.
OP why dont you work part time. If your husband isn't helping you right now, how and why will he help when HE work's part time? I would think the situation will be worse thn since we will expect you to still contribute in the house while working etc.
From my own experience i have noticed that i am much better at handling my son...it's call mother's instincts. No matter how much time my husband spends with our son, he just doesn't pick on a lot of ques. This is why i think you should try to spend more time at home and with the babies.
Hire a cleaning person and do some extra cleaning to make sure it's to your husband's standards. I am guessing prior to having the babies you were keeping the house VERY clean and he expects that since that's what he is use to (you have been married for 5 years.)
Just like it's a huge adjustment for you, it is for him as well. Talk to him and make a schedule etc. My hubby and I even had the diaper duties divided up. I need my night sleep so i would sleep from 9pm -midnight and thn anytime after that if the baby woke up it was my turn to deal with him.
Covering up the babies when it's cold outside is a legit reason and why wouldn't you pay more attention to those details.
No one is saying for her to quit her job and stay at home or that she doesn't deserve her children but I mean really with two 7.5 month old children working 12 hour shifts probably isn't the best thing to do. I'm not sure what mat leave is like in the US but in Canada we get a full 12 months and even then that's not enough sometimes.
OP, I do agree your husband needs to man-up but you two also need to get on the same page on what is good for your children. Yes, you weren't ready for them, but they're here now and that's what matters. Maybe sit down with your husband and talk this out. You should prioritize what's important to save your sanity. Take a leave from work because you can't take a leave from your children. If working is important, then hire a nanny.
Exactly. Just because I am a woman, everyone is suggesting that I stay at home.
Or that I don't deserve them. I did want kids in the future... I just was not ready and feel betrayed by my husband for the false promises and the taunting. I don't think that I am a bad mother just because I am unhappy with being picked on by my hubby constantly. The issue is not going to get resolved even if I were to quit.
No. No one is saying you should stay home because you're a woman. What we are saying is that you do need to prioritize and be very realistic. You didn't want kids, sure. You got pressured into it, okay. But you did have them with the full knowledge that you and husband would be responsible for them. You did end up consenting to your husband's wishes to have these kids and going through with decision. They are your kids and they're not going anywhere. You may not be happy with the timing but that is not an issue anymore because they are here.
Stay home because right now your infants need you and you need to stop putting additional strain on yourself if you are having so much trouble handling things. Get some therapy. Get some help for your PPD.
As for your husband...I am not sure what to make of him anymore. By your own account he is going part time to help take care of the kids. I don't know many men who do that. He can't be that bad if he's willing to take a step back because you are refusing to. Since you feel its being asked of you because you're a woman. The story doesn't add up.
His taunting and comments are inexcusable but it may be because he is getting impatient with this attitude of "I didn't wants kids and you forced me into having them". Maybe he is not understanding why its so difficult for you to accept or want this new role? People can sense resentment a mile away and it seems you resent him for putting you through childbirth.
In any case, right now you have to sort out your life first. Whether you want to be a mom or not is irrelevant (I know that sounds mean but life isn't fair and responsibilities don't disappear until we are ready to deal with them). You need to seek out some help for your mental health. Therapy. Marriage counseling. PPD help.
If your job helps your sanity i say keep it. I am not sure how good of a SAHD your husband will be. I think it will be like a pp said that you would be working full time and still expected to keep a house. Why don't you go part time and get paid help. That wat you will be able to still earn and do a job you enjoy, spend time with the kids and also have help around.
And if you are home part time you can oversee the cleaners and mothers help etc.
Exactly. Just because I am a woman, everyone is suggesting that I stay at home.
Or that I don't deserve them. I did want kids in the future... I just was not ready and feel betrayed by my husband for the false promises and the taunting. I don't think that I am a bad mother just because I am unhappy with being picked on by my hubby constantly. The issue is not going to get resolved even if I were to quit.
Hey I would feel cheated too! My husband started wanting kids a bit sooner than I did and my response was always "are you willing to stay home because I am not ready?" That was unacceptable to him so we chose to wait. Pregnancy is a very avoidable situation and having kids is a HUGE responsibility so you definitely bear some blame. This is why I said you should not have had kids but it's done now and you both need to think what is best for your children instead of putting off who does what because you are resentful. One of you needs to compromise. I would look at our financial situation, our abilities, and future plans and decide who is better off staying with the kids. Do you want to financially support your family until your kids go off to college? If not then is it really smart to have him go part time or quit his job? His career will take a hit and you guys will take a long time to become financially stable again whenever you decide you want to spend more time with your kids. Think about it! Unless you are perfectly okay supporting your kids and your husband for the rest of your life, you should really decide carefully.
It has nothing to do with you being a woman. Some things just make more sense than others. Do what's best for your family.
And for now you can do things to organize your family better and minimize the tension.
Also, talk to your husband about his remarks and how they hurt you. You can polietly mention that you are not taunting when he does things not to your liking.
Limit the socialization. When my 1st one was born, we barely socialized, when the 2nd one came, again we were/are very selective at what is an absolutely necessary dawat/event to attend.
Hire help with cleaning the house. Even if it is not up to your husband's standard, it is still some help for you.
From what I read a lot of issues are on dressing children, think how you can make their clothes accessible that doesn't becomes an issue.
Keep taking your meds.
Also evaluate your 12 hour shifts and how much strain they might be putting on your health and your relationship with your family.
I hope and pray that things get better for both of you.
Thanks everyone! All of the suggestions have been great.
I make twice the amount that hubby does per hour. So if he reduces 30 hours, it would be the same as me reducing just one 12 hour shift. Hence, it makes more sense for him to go part time. Also, our preemies need the health insurance my work offers. I explained this to him and now he has agreed to it if I just take one class next semester. And I think that would work for me.
Socialization is with his family and I really do not like to go but hubby is the one who wants to attend these gatherings.
I have decided that if he picks on me again about cleaning... I will just get a maid and if he still complains about them. I will tell him to do it himself.
Also, I will have to talk to him about the mothers helper. Like yesterday his sister wanted to watch them so I could get a break so he asked me when I would pick them up and I told him that I have asked his sister to call me whenever she gets tired. He replied... "so u won't pick them up if she doesn't call u." And anytime I talk about hiring someone to watch them just for few hours in the evening, he refuses. He says to drop them to his mom but his mom asks me like a billion questions about why and where I am going so I just don't even drop them there. I told him that I don't like to explain it so he said he will talk to his mom but I don't want any issues.
Hey I would feel cheated too! My husband started wanting kids a bit sooner than I did and my response was always "are you willing to stay home because I am not ready?" That was unacceptable to him so we chose to wait. Pregnancy is a very avoidable situation and having kids is a HUGE responsibility so you definitely bear some blame. This is why I said you should not have had kids but it's done now and you both need to think what is best for your children instead of putting off who does what because you are resentful. One of you needs to compromise. I would look at our financial situation, our abilities, and future plans and decide who is better off staying with the kids. Do you want to financially support your family until your kids go off to college? If not then is it really smart to have him go part time or quit his job? His career will take a hit and you guys will take a long time to become financially stable again whenever you decide you want to spend more time with your kids. Think about it! Unless you are perfectly okay supporting your kids and your husband for the rest of your life, you should really decide carefully.
It has nothing to do with you being a woman. Some things just make more sense than others. Do what's best for your family.
Hubby doesn't have a career... he has a job that he can get back anytime he wants. I only have two years of experience in my field so my career would take a major hit if I were to go part time and we would take longer to become financially stable. Plus at my work, I don't have the option to go part time but he does. Hence, it makes more sense for him to cut back some hours.
