life after having kids

Lifestyle Relationships
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21

Re: life after having kids

I have a huge respect for people who realize having kids is not something for them, and that it is not just a social/religious obligation or something you check off on a list.

Your kids are here in this world now, MA. It is essential to have a home filled with love and laughter for them. Mama has to be happy to raise happy babies!

I am not a big fan of meds and their side effects. I feel talking is important (to a professional if possible). What even is more important is having positive thoughts. You have to counter your husband's taunting with something positive, and it cannot be passive aggressive. Communication is very important here. You can train your brain to be happy, it will just take time :)

I would organize the problems you are having based on which one require immediate attention, use your family or in-laws for help, and try to relax with meditation or namaz. Meditation works!

You sound like a very smart and a reasonable woman, please just give it time and it will take time for things to be stable. Any small progress is good progress towards your bigger goal.

22

Re: life after having kids

First of all let me apologize, I misread your situation.

You need to sit down and make a list in order of priorities,sometimes we don’t have enough time or energy to do everything and achieve everything and we should focus on priorities first. I used to be a clean freak and very organised, my spouse did not share my priorities and after kids having no help the house went into a chaos,very expensive furniture, electronics even the house destroyed. Fighting and arguing incessantly would have made me lose the love of my partner and would turn my kids into mental cases so I said screw neatness and order and let me savor the love and warmth of my family.

Your husband is acting in a very selfish, exploitive and abusive way. I cannot imagine a mother of baby twins doing 12 hr shifts and getting crapped on and expecting to please an unappreciative husband. You need to sit down with him and have a discussion with him. If he is not willing to have a convo then please go to social services and ask them to recommend a counsellor and support group.

Unlike Pakistani culture women aren’t advised to put up with crap and abuse and they owe it to themselves and the kids to prevent, stop and walk away if necessary. He is not your God, you don’t need to obey or please him. Your first priority is children and then yourself.

23

Re: life after having kids

Please continue to take your Zoloft, every single day. Antidepressants can take something like 8 weeks to kick in before you start to feel better, so stay consistent. I agree with Ruiner, appreciate the husband on the help that he does provide, sometimes a positive reinforcement makes them want to help out more. Hang in there.

24

Re: life after having kids

Why should he get away with exploitation and abuse, if she is working 12 hr shifts and is a mom of baby twins he should be very appreciative and should be helping out a lot. Yelling and taunting is classified as emotional and psychological abuse and demanding fresh cooked meals, spotless house etc. are also classified as abuse. He is putting himself ahead of his children and wife. She s working also, so where is his privileged position coming from.

25

Re: life after having kids

^Where did I say he should get away with taunting her? But both of them are dealing with a lifestyle change, and aren't coping well with it, and there's a lot of resentment on both sides. He's being an ass and expecting way too much from her. However, it can't hurt to try to engage him in a positive manner, and having open communication to set realistic expectations of one another, and trying to rebuild their relationship. If that doesn't work, other measures need to be taken.

26

Re: life after having kids

First of all...wow at your husband. He sounds pathetic.

And second...put yourself first, develop a thicker skin and do what you need to make things work for YOU.

If he taunts you - ignore him. If he makes mean comments - ignore him. His words right now should mean zilch because right now the priority is you. Pretend as if he was talking to a wall.

You can not be a good mother to your twins if you are unhealthy. You simply cannot. And as for him and what he demands and expects...well that comes second now. Your kids come first. Put yourself and them before anything else now and if he wants to be on that list...let him earn his place back.

His treatment of you is sick.

27

life after having kids

I admire you for being able to work, raise children and cater to the hubster. I drown in puddles while you're staying afloat at sea. You will get through this iA! Love yourself and ignore what doesn't matter. Hugs xx

28

Re: life after having kids

My husband is not as horrible as everyone is thinking. He doesn't force me to work but I would go insane if I stayed home all day. He is just so suprised that I am not as dedicated to the kids as he would like me to be. He thinks I am a bad mother or that I am lazy but I am just so tired. Like today we went to a dawat and I took care of them both. When we got home, I was heading to bed and hubby asked me to put socks on them. I told him I was tired and if he could do it. He said I was already up/standing and I was being lazy and "u know they are your own kids." This kind of stuff is just hurtful but he says he is joking when I get upset.

He says that I am unfair because if they wake up at night (which is rare but it has only happened when I have work the next day so I need to sleep), he gets up and I dont. However, he doesn't get that I have to wake up at 5 am and he can sleep in till 8. Also, if I make a mistake at work, I can cause harm to people so I need to rest.

I know he works extremely hard. He does help me around the house too. He usually does the laundry and does the dishes the days I work. He just gives me tanay about the kids. For example, I play the my mother song for my kids and my hubby says that it should be my father as he cares for them more than I do. But if I tell him that was mean... he would say that he is joking.

29

life after having kids

Have a talk with him to remind him that you're both in this together. Tell him his passive aggressive remarks aren't useful, and at the end of a long day that's not something you want to hear.

His words just need autocorrect before reaching your ears =D

30

Re: life after having kids

Meds/Counseling: Please talk to your doctor and get back on Zoloft asap. Take them as prescribed by your doctor. As for counseling, you can make the appointments on the days you work since you already have childcare available those days.

Mother's Helper: Find someone to come help you from 5P-7P 2-3x/week. The point of a mother's helper is to help you do what you need. Have the helper watch the kids so you can catch up on small housework. Or have the helper do some small housework like folding laundry or putting away dishes. Or have the helper watch the kids while you prep dinner. I know someone who takes her helper to the Memorial Park. She sets the helper/kids in one spot with blankets, snacks, toys etc....and then she (mom) goes and runs or bikes around the park. This is her way to make time for herself....she says the running/biking helps her relax and helps her stay in shape.

Maid: I have no idea why you would need to follow the maid. Our maids (its a team of 2) come clean when we're not even home! In fact, everyone I know personally who has maids....the maids come clean while they're at work. If you have some specific requests, you may need to be there when the maids come for the very first time.....like be there for the first 30 minutes just to show them around. But otherwise, the house should be empty so the maids can do what they need to do without being micromanaged or worrying about waking up babies. And I'm not sure what you have the maids do but it should be general stuff....like cleaning all the floors, wiping down shelves/blinds/anything that's dusty and deep cleaning bathrooms/kitchen. I know some people have their maids wash/put on bedsheets. I don't know how dirty your house gets but having maids come on once every 2 weeks to do the "big stuff" like cleaning all the floors and scrubbing bathrooms/kitchen top to bottom should help out big time. And then for the more small stuff like laundry, ironing, dishes etc.....you should get a mother's helper to help you 2-3x week. Look at Angie's List or talk to your co-workers to get names of maids.

BTW, who watches the babies while you're at work? Family member, nanny or daycare?

31

Re: life after having kids

I don’t think anyone here doubts that fact that your husband works hard. But the thing is that so do you! This is not a competition on which one of you works harder. NOTHING excuses your husband’s behavior. I’m assuming your husband is not an idiot and does not have a mental disability. There is no reason why he is incapable of recognizing that YOU also work hard. The fact that he is the one who wanted kids more than you and made false promises to you (like he was going to switch to part-time to help) in order to get you to agree to have kids makes the situation even worse. The first time you told him he’s being mean or you’re hurt at his comments and he said he was joking was fine…but it continues to happen.

I’m sure your husband has some good qualities and is not 100% bad. But based on what you’ve written here, it’s pretty clear that 2 of his bad qualities are that he’s selfish and manipulative. You should definitely appreciate his good qualities and let him know that you’re glad he helps you out when he goes. But when it comes to certain behaviors…like him making promises to get something HE really wants or him pretending to be innocent after deliberately hurting your feelings…YOU need to recognize that he’s being selfish and manipulative. And the best way to deal with that is learn to ignore it. It’s not easy but your #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) priority needs to be your babies. And in order to take care of babies to the best of your ability, you need to be healthy and happy both physically AND emotionally.

32

Re: life after having kids

As a new mother, the last thing you want to hear is that you're unfit for the job! This is going to cause your PPD to get worse...you have to understand right now your body is completely out of whack and the last thing you need is someone making it worse.

My husband was a bit insensitive in the beginning but he gets it now.

He would even get annoyed at the way I would wash my son's face. Yeah.

Usually, I don't pick on small mistakes he makes because he is the father and I don't want to discourage him from taking care of his kid by making him feel like he's not doing a good job.

But I started to show him where HE would mess up: the way he would change his diaper, the way he would make his milk up, the way he would even hold him at times (in the very beginning), etc. He got it.

Parenting is hard enough as it is...tell him to man up and not take his anger out on his wife.

And lastly...take control. Stop letting your husband control how you feel.

33

Re: life after having kids

Quite honestly I would've told him he was a crappy father the moment he tried to ***** about my mothering skills and then laughed it off by pretending I was just joking. But this will only bring more tension in your life because guys who indulge in hurtful taunts are extremely sensitive. They only hurt the way they can hurt.

Just ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not reply at all if he starts taunting. Pretend he's your third baby and babbling in the corner. Just like you would train your kids and give attention to your kids when they aren't being destructive treat him like that. Positive behaviour gets attention, negative behaviour means he's not even getting an eye blink. He'll realize soon enough you are too strong to react. But this will need a lot of patience and force of will. I wish you luck. Your situation is not as dire as it may seem.

34

Re: life after having kids

We all thought of him as a horrible person as that is how you portrayed him, if you are not obligated to do 12 hr shifts and are choosing to pay more attention to your career than that is a choice you made. Seems like both parents are putting their career before the babies and no one is seeing them as a bundle of joy and celebrating their birth You had mentioned that you did not want kids and your maternal instincts have not kicked in, maybe your husband senses that. You re mentioning dawats n stuff and every dawat seem to end in argument, can you not skip dawats for a couple of years and put up with untidy house and eat sandwiches and reheated food. We stopped socializing and my wife quit her six figure job. My VP stayed home or 7 yrs to raise kds and they survived on his wifes income. People have to set priorities. If you are both putting your careers ahead of the babies and both think they are a burden I am sure many childless parents would be willing to love them

35

Re: life after having kids

^ agree with you completely..

Why aren't you hiring help, when you can't handle everything (no offense.)

36

Re: life after having kids

You should definitely not have had children but nothing can be done about it now. Is it possible that you really aren't doing enough? If I were you, I would quit my job to take care of the kids and our home. Raising good human beings is far more important than any part time job. You just need to set your priorities straight. Or tell your husband to stay home so you can go back to work full time since he really wanted the kids and you didn't.

37

Re: life after having kids

Something always can be done, here as you know that society is the ultimate ward of children and is wiling to provide loving parents for kids whose parents are incapable or unwilling. Many needy parents are in queue for several years for adoption.

38

Re: life after having kids

I am full time. I don't regret having them. I love them both very much. Hubby has always agreed to be a stay at home dad if needed. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom and he knew that before we ever got married. .

39

Re: life after having kids

I despise the situation that I am in... not my kids

40

Re: life after having kids

Because hubby wouldn't allow me to. He refuses to let anyone watch them besides family. I don't have it in me to fight with him constantly.

With the maids, he complained that he wasn't happy with the job they were doing.