leave him??

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: leave him??

hm marriage isnt a child game that if u r not feeling good about your partner one day then u can just leave him cuz Islam allows divorce.

Divorce is one of the things thats allowed in islam but still disliked and must be practiced with utmost consideration.

When having problems like the author of this post, its important to keep ur focus on problem solution not escaping from the problem. there is no guarantee that if u leave him, u will never meet such a family again. There are problems everywhere. its all a matter of how u solve them!!!

The Random Thread
62

Re: leave him??

Listen girl you have to stand for yourself. As I said before stop giving money to your FIL, it is not your responsibility. If he asks you for money, tell him you don't have it and if he needs he should ask your husband. ALso tell him not to ask you for money in the future, if he needs any money, he should ask your husband. You are working two jobs, have your husband help you with the house work. Let him know that you get extremely tired and you need him to help you with various house related chores. In the absence of your husband if your FIL or MIL misbehaves with you, leave everything you are doing, go to your room, close your door and take a nap. If they complain to your husband just say there is too much stress at work, I had a headache or whatever and I was unable to work like that and therefore came in for little break. Anytime, your parents in law shout at you or try to mentally abuse you, show them attitude, leave everything, and get into your room. When they will see you are not going to accept this attitude they will eventually stop. Like your parents in law pretend all nice with you infront of your husband, you do the same. Be nice to them infront of him but when he is away and the act out, show them attitude and walk away. Make a schedule of what you have to do when and stick to it. Give time to yourself. You should have done this when you got married and they had started this thing but anyway, as they say its never too late.

63

Re: leave him??

please, do NOT have children!!! do you really want to bring your child into a manipulative and emotionally abusive household like yours? your husband doesn't have to see his parents abuse you, it should have been enough that you're telling him this! the things you've told us are serious and if he thinks you're just messing about and making it up, then you're better off without him.

after a certain point, a wife is higher priority more than your parents. and for him to have seen it and then continued to ignore it and in fact, tell you to leave, is retarded. he's clearly not going to be of any help to you, so you gotta do this on your own.

im sorry it didn't work out for your sisters, but you know what, you shouldn't be suffering through this on your own simply because of that. your parents are your parents, they are on your side, and right now, you need their support and their love more than at any other time in your life. sometimes, there is no happy ending and marriages don't work out- c'est la vie. such is life. you'll survive. and maybe your leaving and staying with your parents will be the jolt your husband needs to stand up for you. and if he doesn't? then you know the move you made was the right one.

i just don't understand how you have all this anger within you and yet you're not doing anything?? if YOU don't make your situation better, nobody will. and having a child will do nothing but introduce another pawn into your in-law's retarded game. do you want them to work at turning your child against you- it sounds like exactly the kind of thing they would do. kids are also expensive and if you're no longer working two jobs and unable to pay your father in law, what then? is your husband going to support you? can you count on him? honestly?

just one more comment: love is not about words, its about actions-- those are what count. your husband can say he loves you all he wants, but until he actually grows a backbone and stops your fil and mil from mistreating you and makes active improvements in your life, its all talk, no substance. words mean nothing if the actions to back them up aren't there.

64

Re: leave him??

Thanks for the advice.... I will stop giving them money infact even my husband money, I told my husband that I am planning on getting masters degree so I have to save money... he is ok with this. I will see how ok he is next month. But this is one thing I will stay firm on. I know my husband is a good man he will not ask me for money! He makes good money but It will not be enough to make his parents and his brothers happy.... I am sure when he is using only his salary to support his family he will start to realize my other problems... His family using our money for everything when me and my husband dont even buy clothes for ourselves and think 100 time before buying anything for ourselves... Togather we have a really good salary Masha-Allah but we have been feeding his parnets and 3 brother ( 30, 28, 38 unmarried with good jobs live with us but dont provide financial support).... Let see what come of this....

65

Re: leave him??

I agree and i know that its very hard one of my aunt went through something similar and she didnt want to but still forcably had to go for talaq but by the Grace of God the guy went back to her and everything was solved - there are situations like my aunts and then the ones here...its very hard to bear them this way or that, in the other post i told her to keep quiet and Allah helps those with sabar and she should keep on taking the help from Quran but then again if some people arent going to change then what? one cannot just bear the torture thats why i said that. My mother is still putting up with her inlaws because of various reasons even when we are in two different countries but she is still bearing it all and it hurts to see her sad and worried all the time even though my father if she doesnt say anything to his parents then he doesnt take their side either and has Mashallah given us everything but mental torture is still there..

66

Re: leave him??

You def. have to stop supporting them and as I asid before start giving them attitude. Don't start making whatever and whenever they want. Just stand firm for yourself. Once they realize that you are not weak, they have to stop this attitude. They are doing this because they see you are weak.

67

Re: leave him??

After reading what your husband had to say......I can NOW say......you need some time apart from each other.....leave your home....but do it without fighting....just tell him you need some time to yourself.

Go visit your parents for a month or two....visit some relatives....hell! take a vacation if you must! It'll give you time to think with a clear head. Only YOU know whats best for YOU...no one on here can tell you what to do. This is a decision YOU have to make all on your own.

68

Re: leave him??

I agree with what SGC, Lusi, and Angel Eyes have said.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not have babies to "fix" your relationship. Do not bring a child into this unhappy home.

69

Re: leave him??

^ I totally agree.....this is a common mistake many people make....women think that by having a baby it'll fix their marital problems (old fashioned mentality)....no!! it just makes things harder and you may end up being STUCK in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life

70

Re: leave him??

^ Yep. And if the marriage fails and you end up getting a divorce, then not only do you have yourself to take care of but also an innocent soul who was brought into all this for no reason. It will be even harder if it doesn't work out.

Do baby a favor: Don't bring in a child into this world to fix YOUR problems that you can't fix YOURSELF.

71

Re: leave him??

what a shameless family you've unfortunately become a part of! unbelievable. i feel very sorry for you and i hope you stick to your guns about your Masters and follow through with sticking to doing things in your home as and when you want to. they are, for all intents and purposes, under your roof, whether you own the property or not. i suggest drawing up a household budget and posting it somewhere prominent and discussing it with your three brothers in law. they either chip in with rent, groceries, utilities, etc., or they can move into a hotel. you are not a maid, a personal chef, or their mother. you've done more than enough, its time you focused on yourself and your priorities.

72

Re: leave him??

i really feel the same as what angel eyes said.. just read all the pages and everybody's comments.

spend some time away.. without fighting..

no talks will change this man's thinking../ except the fear of losing u ..

73

Re: leave him??

Probably the only sane piece of advice here. Our generation is a bunch of trigger happy divorce addicts. Reading the Life forum makes me feel like waking up into a new world each day. Sitting thousands of miles away from thread-starters, and commenting about almost wholly unknown situations, leave him / leave her advice is spewed out like there is no tomorrow. This FIL is horrible but may be ... just may be try to find other solutions to make things better?

This military-style, shoot-to-kill approach to relationships makes me wonder if there is any human factor left in our relationships at all.

74

Re: leave him??

^ Very few people actually suggested divorce. But she's been a doormat and that is not right either. She needs to be firm. That does not mean she is heading to divorce.

75

Re: leave him??

As AE have mentioned just take avacation for 15 days or mnth,so your husband can realize what he is missing,and please don't go in baby part as lots of people have mentioned it here.

76

Re: leave him??

as Sahar already mentioned...I dont think anyone here mentioned divorce. However....she can't keep living this way! She needs to resolve some issues and make clear to everyone of her status in this household.

77

Re: leave him??

Thats no way to treat a grown up adult.

the happy people thread
78

Re: leave him??

I hope life is getting better for you, chamali.

79

Re: leave him??

Thanks, you dont know how much i appriciate u saying this... its really tough right now. please pray for me....

80

Re: leave him??

Chamali: If I remember correctly, your case was the one in which you left the States or Europe to go back to Pakistan and live with him after marriage, correct? And your parents were hesitant about it?

  1. You chose this situation. You have to accept responsibility for getting into a family situation. What your FIL is doing is WRONG, and you should report it to a lawyer and get a case going. But that's not how Pakistan works. And you chose to live in Pakistan, so you have to be prepared to deal with this in a way that'll work in Pakistan. You have to come up with a reasonable solution now.

  2. Stop giving money to your in-laws. Period. Keep your money in the bank. Don't even keep too many bills around the house, they'll steal them. Your responsibility is not to provide for the family.

  3. Your husband is NOT showing you support. You need to leave him temporarily and go back to visit your parents. Iss bahanay se, leave Pakistan. Its the best thing you can do! You're saying "I know he loves me" blah blah blah, but NO ONE would let such harm come to a person they love, and now your husband has already witnessed an incident and he still is scolding you to be more appreciative????

  4. What are your career goals in Pakistan? Would you still like to live there and work there, even if it means leaving this guy? Have you met any other men, like at work?

  5. Who are you talking to about this in Pakistan?

  6. Your mother might have been through a lot with your sisters, but that also gives her some expertise that you could use right about now.

You need to suck it up, and leave the situation, and get some legal help in case it comes to a divorce. Be careful - they could come after your money in process of a divorce!!!