Re: leave him??
I am so sorry to read your post. Its unbelievable how in laws can treat their DIls.
My advice is dont leave him. talk to your hubby and give him an ultimatum that you have had enough and you deserve respect from your new family members. Involve your parents later if your hubby doesnt talk to his parents and let them feel that you are not alone in this world!
Re: leave him??
He sounds like nana patekhar from that movie agnisaski? Anyway, you should def. leave him since he's a corrupt man. If he was a police officer in Pakistan then I have no clue why you would even think of marrying him. You should leave him!
dude.. did you read her post or just scan thru it?
Re: leave him??
okay.. i am weirded out.. not at the original post. but more at the answers given.. its hard to understand how most of u ( who i kno to be married) can actually give this kind of advice.. EVERY one.. EVERY one of the posts was about... either leaving the PArents in law, or punish them by doing this or that.. and ALSo talking to the husband assuming how ( as some one said " darpok" ) he is.. cant u all c that she already has that opinion abt her husband. the last thing she needs is for all of us to assure her that shes rite to think so....we as friends are supposed to say stuff that would help her get stronger and motivate her to stay... to show her the positive in the husband and the relationship.. not giving her advice of givin ultimatums.... and as far as talking to her husband and her husband doing some thing abt it is concerned.. i dont think he doesnt kno.. and i dont think that he hasnt talked to his parents... infact i am sure he assesses the problem way better than us.. no guy, how ever much he loves his parents actually LIKES his wife being tormented.. i am sure he wants a way out of the misery too.....she needs to be on his side.. may be talk to him .. NOT TO punish him or give him a time limit but to c what he thinks of the whole situation.. who knows. may be there is mental illness involved... or NE thing.. Who the hell knows.. we cant listen abt a 15 min incident and actually mold the rest of the gurls life.. in ne case i Do realise that its hard for Chamali to go thru all these things and i dont by ne means agree that she should have to go thru them.. but its life.. she her self said that he hubby is the love of her life.. ppl do all kind of things for love.... she can take subtle steps if she needs to .... but as they say.. " this too shall pass"... nothing stays for ever... leave it be.. have fun with the hubby... and c what he comes up with.. btw.. FILs have been known to be Worse.. a friend of mine actually cant go to work coz her FIL Sexually Abuses her daughters.... wat she did was ( her hubby's the only son, so they couldnt move out) ... she made him make another portion on top for the couple and the kids.. now they are there yet not THere.. u kno.. give it time.. u will come up with some thing tooo.. Best of luck tho.. and DOnt think of leaving ne one or ne thing.. Life happens.. and things fade away.. dont take an irrational or an impulsive decision that mite affect ur life later on.. peace!!
Re: leave him??
a friend of mine actually cant go to work coz her FIL Sexually Abuses her daughters.... wat she did was ( her hubby's the only son, so they couldnt move out) ... she made him make another portion on top for the couple and the kids..
and thats the example that we should follow? "hey i'm being abused, my kids are in danger, no problem, just out of respect for some evil sick pervert, ill still stay and keep my daughters in danger." That's the most backward and paindu mentality to have...
I don't know if ur married or not, but the fact that most married ppl here are giving a certain type of advice that weirds you out, should really tell u how horrific this situation is...Couples should do everything they can to make their marriage last, we all have lil tiffs w/ our spouses and in-laws but there is a huge difference between what's a normal ghar ka masla and what's abuse and should never be tolerated. As for hte husband, who knows what he's thinking... maybe u think no man wants to c his wife be tormented, but sadly there are men who put their parents above everyone..
Re: leave him??
^^ Ditto!
Re: leave him??
Paedophiles should be reported to the police and imprisoned.... not provided with accomodation!
Re: leave him??
I just cant get my head around this whole thing of tolerating sexual abuse of children over there. Thats what I was referring to when I was talking about things I've seen and taking "respect for elders" WAY WAY too far. Its certainly bad enough when a mature person who is at least somewhat able to defend her/himself is abused but a CHILD? And a parent ALLOWING the situation to continue because elders MUST be respected???? Thats just sick sick sick.l
Re: leave him??
Maha Shonu:
we as friends are supposed to say stuff that would help her get stronger and motivate her to stay...
So we should motivate her to keep living in this hell? A true friend would appreciate an honest advice from their friends, not sugar-coated sweet talk.
no guy, how ever much he loves his parents actually LIKES his wife being tormented.. i am sure he wants a way out of the misery too.....
**Asking her to have patience is fine, but not doing something about it is even worse. For how long can she have patience?
**a friend of mine actually cant go to work coz her FIL Sexually Abuses her daughters.... wat she did was ( her hubby's the only son, so they couldnt move out) ... she made him make another portion on top for the couple and the kids.. now they are there yet not THere..
Sara has already answered that.
Re: leave him??
okay.. i am weirded out.. not at the original post. but more at the answers given.. its hard to understand how most of u ( who i kno to be married) can actually give this kind of advice.. EVERY one.. EVERY one of the posts was about... either leaving the PArents in law, or punish them by doing this or that..
It is certainly true that we need to be careful about the advice we give and get online, when we don't know the whole situation. We are more likely to give extreme advice when we do not consider the complexities of the situation.
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and ALSo talking to the husband assuming how ( as some one said " darpok" ) he is
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I don't see how or why speaking to the husband and appealing to him is a bad choice. If he can not make the situation better, then there is no chance.
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.. cant u all c that she already has that opinion abt her husband. the last thing she needs is for all of us to assure her that shes rite to think so....we as friends are supposed to say stuff that would help her get stronger and motivate her to stay... to show her the positive in the husband and the relationship..
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Though it is important to try to resolve conflict, abuse is abuse. There is no compromising in a situation like chamali has described. The behavior of the FIL, MIL, and husband have been unacceptable. If there is no change, then a friend should not be encouraging her to deal with it. This is why women are in the terrible state they are in in this world. They are raised to think that they must always be docile, obedient, that they come second to everyone else, that they should ignore their needs. And when they ever get up the courage to speak up for themselves in bad situations, they are made to feel guilty by all the other females around them, who, instead of empathizing, make them feel like they are behaving in an inappropriate matter.
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not giving her advice of givin ultimatums.... and as far as talking to her husband and her husband doing some thing abt it is concerned.. i dont think he doesnt kno.. and i dont think that he hasnt talked to his parents... infact i am sure he assesses the problem way better than us.. no guy, how ever much he loves his parents actually LIKES his wife being tormented.. i am sure he wants a way out of the misery too.....she needs to be on his side..
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Well, if he is aware and the situation has persisted, then he needs to take more dramatic action. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior. It is not something that should be tolerated or obliged. It is not allowed and she needs to be firm, as does he.
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may be talk to him .. NOT TO punish him or give him a time limit but to c what he thinks of the whole situation.. who knows. may be there is mental illness involved... or NE thing.. Who the hell knows..
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Why hasn't he brought it up? You said yourself that he is probably aware of what is going on, why wouldn't he speak to her and try to explain? What do you mean by "what he thinks of the whole situation"? If he thinks it is anything but horrible then he is messed up.
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we cant listen abt a 15 min incident and actually mold the rest of the gurls life.. in ne case i Do realise that its hard for Chamali to go thru all these things and i dont by ne means agree that she should have to go thru them.. but its life..
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True.
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she her self said that he hubby is the love of her life.. ppl do all kind of things for love....
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Yeah, they stay in abusive relationships telling themselves that it's the price of love. NO ONE should remain in situations where they are being victimized when they have the ability to leave these situations. She is being abused and should not continue. If her husband is not going to make the situation better, then she has to take action immediately. If she becomes used to this household, nothing will change; it will continue to get worse and will most likely affect their children.
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she can take subtle steps if she needs to .... but as they say.. " this too shall pass"... nothing stays for ever... leave it be.. have fun with the hubby... and c what he comes up with..
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That's absolutely ridiculous, idiotic, and incredibly disturbing. Abusive relationships don't just go away. We simply get used to them. This is not behavior that should be accepted or tolerated. She needs to be treated with respect, and if she does not give herself respect, no one else in this household will. She needs to set very clear boundaries and make clear what she is willing to put up with. They see that she is weak, that she gives in, that she doesn't fight back, so they continue to push.
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btw.. FILs have been known to be Worse.. a friend of mine actually cant go to work coz her FIL Sexually Abuses her daughters.... wat she did was ( her hubby's the only son, so they couldnt move out) ... she made him make another portion on top for the couple and the kids.. now they are there yet not THere..
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That is so sad and tragic. Just because he is the only son does not mean he can't move out. If he is financially responsible for his parents, he can provide monetary support but get his family the heck out of that house. His father is a criminal and deserves to be sent to jail for abusing his own grand children. That is sick beyond belief and it is not something we simply turn away from. We must take action against it and make it very clear what we will allow in our lives and what we will not.
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u kno.. give it time.. u will come up with some thing tooo.. Best of luck tho..
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Nothing will change unless she makes clear that it is time for change. They won't magically see the error of their ways. She will have to take action.
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and DOnt think of leaving ne one or ne thing.. Life happens.. and things fade away.. dont take an irrational or an impulsive decision that mite affect ur life later on.. peace!!
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Nothing should be irrational or impulsive. But you need to be thoughtful and firm and maintain respect for yourself. Make it clear what is acceptable behavior and what is not, and do not stray from it.
Re: leave him??
Your husband needs to grow some testicles ASAP!!
Sorry to say, I know you've said that your husband is a good man and all, but doesn't he realize the goodness in you when you are GIVING money to his parents, and also taking care of them in almost every aspect, he needs to stand up for you before you go crazy. Sometimes you can even tolerate comments coming from ur inlaws, but the humiliation ur FIL makes you go through by watching you clean up, wth is that? He sounds like a psycho. I know about respect of parents and all, but they are not God. If ur husband thinks his parents have rights, then he damn well owes some rights to you too. He should be protecting you or at least trying to from all this crap.
I'm not suggesting you leave him/get a divorce, but seriously enough is enough. You are a working woman, and if you can give money to his parents, then you can also support yourself for a while. You can get your parents involved, or someone else who knows you and your husband really well..someone that your husband respects and listens to. You may not want to get a 3rd party involved for whatever reason, but sometimes you just have to, and I think now is the time.
Re: leave him??
a friend of mine actually cant go to work coz her FIL Sexually Abuses her daughters.... wat she did was (** her hubby's the only son, so they couldnt move out**) ... she made him make another portion on top for the couple and the kids.. now they are there yet not THere.. u kno.. give it time.. u will come up with some thing tooo.. Best of luck tho.. and DOnt think of leaving ne one or ne thing.. Life happens.. and things fade away.. dont take an irrational or an impulsive decision that mite affect ur life later on.. peace!!
what kind of MAN would live with his father knowing that he sexually abuses his own kids!!??? It doesnt matter if he is the only son or one of 50 sons.....a father has an obligation to his kids.....his obligation to his father went down the drain once he decided to touch his sons daughters in a sexual way.
It disgusts me to see how people...desi's in particular... brush sexual abuse under the rug as if it's something normal. The FIL should be charged as a pedophile and the father should have be charged for endangering his children as well! Those girls need a safe place to live for God's sake!!
back to the topic....i agree with sehar....a husband that loves his wife shouldnt just sit there and watch his wife get abused by his father! It's better he handle the situation before it gets worse AND it's best he hears it from his son rather then you.
Re: leave him??
^^ ya go Lawyer lady:)
Re: leave him??
i am so sorry to hear this. make sure, you are not deserting your husband.
enable him to see you as his shield.
you can do it, it will need patience. but as long as he is not a mean spirited disrespectful and abusive man, in and of himself, you have very good chance as a team of two, to handle this, together.
and also teach a life long corrective lesson to his parents, with due respect to them, that they were and are wrong. and it is time for them to be non judgemental about you and embrace you as a nice daughter in law.
best,
Dushwari
Re: leave him??
Thank you ALL for the advice.... It has been some difficult days of my life... I did talk to my husband and to my surprise he said that he fathers behavior did not warrent him to stand up for me and there is nothing he can do for me beacuse his parents are the most important people for him...And if I dont like that fact I can leave...... He went furthur to say that the reason I am in this house is beacuse of his parents and not him??? ( how can he say that , we fell in love two years prior to the shadi and I was even ready to leave my parents to be with him.... but Thanks to Allah everything went our way and our family happy married us, we have been married for two years now..... 4 years!!!) He said he can not stand any comments/disrespect for his parents... (what disrespect???) BASICALLY there is no talking to this man....
Let me tell you all some other thing about his parents.... they only misbehave with me when my husband is not around.... and I was so happy that he acutally saw it happen...... His father is sooo chalaak....I dont know how he found out that my husband saw what ever happend, he applogized to me in front of my husband and then as soon as my husband left he was back to the way he is with me..... This is how my MIL and FIL are .... really nice to me infront of my husband and then change as soon as he is away....
I am a very simple person.... i dont know much chalakiyaan..... It just surprises me how his parents munipulate him.....
I really do love my husband......too much....to the point that I would not be able to survive without him..... (I know its sad and I hate it but that is the fact) How do I make someone like him realize what he is saying/doing is wrong??? I know he doesnt mean all he said....he cant.... he loves me and I know it..... but his parents have a control on him that is not letting him realize it.
I was thinking if we had a kid maybe it will change my husbands thinking..... ??? We are not planning on having kids for 4 more years but maybe we should??? We have big plans in terms of how we will raise our kids.... just by talking about the kids I know how much he loves them... and he would be a good father and also would not want anyone to give me tension during my pregency??? Is this a dumb thought??
I dont know what else to do anymore..... I cant stand their behavior either.....I am becoming more and more depressed as the days pass..... My friends cant belive this is me.....I left them all beacuse my FIL and MIL did not like me meeting them....... Everytime I went out to meet them and came home my MIL created some sort of drama so just to make peace in the house I stoped going out with my friends..........
I cant involve my parents beacuse it would break my moms heart beacuse my two elder sisters went through a bad marriage and I know how hurt they were and also know how happy they were that I have a good husband... my mom has suffered through enough in life and I cant put her through this.... SOme times I just feel like leaving everyone and going to a place where I know no one....... :(
Re: leave him??
^^ Tell your husband one thing: Do you want your daughter to be treated this way? A man only becomes a father when he has daughters to think about.
Re: leave him??
Lady grow some balls will ya.
Noone here is going to come and help you.
This is your battle and if you dont have the will power to stand against it then regardless of how much advice these people give you, you'll still be in the same sh!ithole you are now.
As for your husband, sounds like a moron for saying such a lame thing as you are in his home cause of his parents.
What next he'll be forcing you to have sex with your FIL cause he's the reason you are in their home
I cant stand women who can do nothing but whinge and whine bout their problems instead of taking a stand and using their rights.
Re: leave him??
great to finally hear chamalis responce to all this.... as v can c the husband is not really gona do ne thing abt the situation.. i dont say that its reasonable and ok.. but its not unheard of either.. as some one up there said.. " she really has to help her self" she can surely have us to listen to her.. but she has to deal with this herself.. i really hope no extreme advice pushes her this way or that.. .. as far as children are concerned... although its their personal matter but in my humble opinion i think 4 years is too much.. the husband seems to be favoring the parents as well.. it mite not take a lot to have him change sides altogather... he needs some thing more to bind him to the wife ( if what they say abt kids binding u is tru) this actually mite help on the side lines.. but still the baby aint coming today.. so serious standing up for ur self has to be done.. i dont mean badtamizi.. but serious standing up...
Re: leave him??
Screw him! leave and enjoy life the way you want to - you dont want such a person, i.e. even if it was him willing to stand up for you - you could have been able to bear everything since he is there for you but in this situation you are alone in the other forum you didnt write as much detail so i had another reply but yes have faith in Allah (its not forbidden in Islam to get a divorce from your husband if the life has become so hard to live with him and his family). If your parents are willing to help you out talk to these folks for you and if your in- laws are decent enough to think over it and change their attitudes then its fine but you can live all your life like that and if you dont have kids then you are safer other wise you can sacrifice your mental peace for them and keep on bearing all the pain - but my advice dont; go away for some time see if they change and know your worth if not then just never go back.