leave him??

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: leave him??

ouch, that wouldn't be so pretty. but from what i have read, it doesn't seem like her husband is abusive in any way, so hopefully it should work.

My new avatar
22

Re: leave him??

chamali

your husband needs to understand the situation, so do your parents, and so do your inlaws. just realize that they may or may not be able to change how this man acts, and then you will have to deal with it yourself, taking a stand for yourself is critical and can be done without being rude, but being firm and polite.

These people think they have power because they intimidate others, if you stop showing youa re intimidated, and u stop getitng intimidated, their source of power is gone. your husband is not always going to be around and having this type of stuff happening in his absence frequently where he has to go have a chat with his dad again and again will not work long trm, because it will ivariably turn into a he said she said situation. .. so do all that ppl are saying, but at the end of the day, you just need to have a combo of thicker skin, and a more firm approach, telling others to avert a bully or discipline him after hehas bullied you can work if the bully can be changed, but if he cant be, he would act like he wants and deal with the 'yalk' from your folks or his son later. if he knows his bullying is not going to work, he may be less likely to do it.

if their yelling is not going to work what will they do? lock you up? hit you? and wind up in jail.

One thing I would stress is that you maintain a log of this stuff, heck buy a micro recorder and record some of these, just for your records.

because either way, whetheryou have support of your husband or not, you cant continue to live like this, and if u take a stand, however politely, it can either work or it can backfire and agitate this guy and things can get worse, in which case u need to move out and all this stuff will be helpful, and god forbid he ever raises his hand on you and you need to escalate it, u have a whole log of verbally abusive treatment.

sorry for being doom and gloom here, but just wanted to cover the topic a little more thoroughly.

Jhoot pakra gya
23

Re: leave him??

As much as I hate to give this advice, I would say leave him. go for separation, have your lawyer talk to your hubby and tell him about your legal rights and what not

Even as a muslim, you have every right to ask your husband, not to have his family interfare in your life. So go and get a fatwaa from a mufti on that

once law and religion on your side, use that to get your rights back

if he still act like a moma boy, let him be

sorry again for the harsh words.

things you hate about desis
24

Re: leave him??

Uh how so? From what she's told us, i doubt she'll ever be living w/ her husband w/o hte inlaws.. Any man, who can see his wife be so humiliated and still wont' be willing to change anything, doesn't deserve to be married. We never just marry the guy, we marry his family as well, so if the family is abusive towards her and husband isn't willing to step up and defend her like a real man, then why should she live with that? Assuming that children aren't in the picture, once they do come, it's just going to be a huge nightmare. When the mother is suffering any form of abuse from spouse and/or in laws, the children will suffer the most.

25

Re: leave him??

good advice.

26

Re: leave him??

Using sex as a weapon will only cause trouble. You need to be straightforward about the fact that you will not accept or tolerate this kind of treatment.

~10 saal baad~
27

Re: leave him??

Well said! This is exactly what I would do in such a situation. Ghar ki naukrani banne ka koi shauq nahi mujhe. Heck even my husband can't treat me like this and if he does, he'll see qayamat ka din before it's yaum-ul-Qayamt!!!

I'm sooo disturbed and troubled after knowing that his orders were followed even after he behaved so harshly to her!

28

Re: leave him??

I would strongly suggest you talk to your husband and if the problem still doesn't get solved then give him a silent treatment for some days plus stop cooking and doing any kind of household work until both of the men start behaving and learn to respect you.

29

Re: leave him??

I cant say anything else as everyone has said it - also Lusi has given you the best advice - when i am going through a very bad time with my MIL - i go to my room and stay there. Dont talk to them unless you have too. I am sorry for how much you are going through but you really would need to have a word with your parents and ask them to sit everyone down and have a serious word. Its a big insult to the DIL's for them to treated as dirt and not a human!! My prayers are with you...x

30

Re: leave him??

OMG - who does he think he is treating another human being like this????
Why stand over you and make you clean, and then judge how you've done it? That is just pathetic. He's obviously got some chip on his shoulder about being in control. He feels he needs to control somthing/someone and unfortunately he has chosen you.........probably with the mindet that as an obedient "bahu" you will just take it.

I agree with all the previous posters, that initially you need to speak with your hubby, give him a timeframe - tell him "If you haven't spoken to your father asap and it happens again in the next 24/48 hours then I will have to disclose to my parents/brother/uncle, tell your father that I will next time tell my parents/brother/uncle and involve the local molvi/mufti to help sort things". Then take a break (if you can take leave from work) and spend some time at your parents....that way, if your hubby's already spoken to his father, his father might think that you've taken a break from your in laws home and have gone to tell your parents/family of your torture and that you may involve as promised the molvi/mufti...which would result in his reputation being damaged beyond repair! That would certainly make him think twice.

Also, I suggest that as soon as you can you confide on someone about all this.....because allah na kareh, should anything happen like your FIL goes public - ranting about something (you know they can make things up too!!)/you do decide to have a separation etc, you have a 3rd party who has known whats going on all the time.

It can be classed as underhand tactics...but who knows, you may get their weak point and the control will shift to you (Insha allah)

Meanwhile, while you think about all the posts/advice here, if it happens again, keep praying Durood Sharif, read tasbeeh of "Hus bi allah ho wane'mal wakeel" and do dua that Allah SWT makes it ahsaan for you and gives your FIL good hidayat.

HTH

31

Re: leave him??

Oh and as for giving him money....you and your husband should sit and budget a joint amount from both your wages, which you will give to his parents on a weekly/monthly basis (you choose) anything above and beyond that you will have to consider on it's own merit (depends what they want it for)

I'm assuming that you live in US/UK? And that they have come from Pak to live with you in your home??

I've not suffered that badly at hands of MIL so far, but there have been times when I've wished I was dead. I have suffered at hands of SIL (nand) though and I have had to have so many conversations with hubby and yes have even thought of leaving and going to mums....so far though I have al ham du lillah stayed as things have got sorted - albeit at the 11th hour!!

32

Re: leave him??

Also, do not give idle threats. If you threaten to do something, make sure it is something you are willing to do. Otherwise, if you don't follow through on it, things will just get worse because they will see you as weak. So don't threaten to get a divorce, unless you are really there in terms of what you want to do.

Lusi has given some great advice. But please do not prolong the situation. You need to take action now.

33

Re: leave him??

Chamali --Do some Tit for Tat tricks,be mean to them, they will be alright after TT therapy.
Dont cook for them for a while,Dont do much household work,instead take ur hubby out for dinner and shopping,avoid them,dont give them much money and be little rude to them.They are taking advantage of ur nature.
Be strong and see the good results.

Aazmaya hua formula
Guaranteed results within a month.

34

Re: leave him??

I feel sorry for you, i know a few families who treat their daughter in-laws like S***, my mother was one of them, my grandmom gave her leftovers to eat and made her handwash clothes with cold water///but it took five years for my mum to move out, not because she wanted to but coz my grandmother didn't want her no more.

I suggest you ask yourself, does your husband really treat you like how a muslim wife should be treated?does he listen to you since listning is part of caring?...you have some rights over him too you know.

You should try gettin closer to the Almighty, he will surely listen to you since dua is the most powerful weapon- read lots of qur'an- on way to work if you don't have time at home, and during break if possible it's the best wazeefa and getting one self heard instantly. And STOP giving your money to your dad-in law, tell him to work his old a$$ off himself I will remember you in my Duas IshaAllah.

35

Re: leave him??

He sounds like nana patekhar from that movie agnisaski? Anyway, you should def. leave him since he's a corrupt man. If he was a police officer in Pakistan then I have no clue why you would even think of marrying him. You should leave him!

36

Re: leave him??

I hope allah makes everything easy for you sister

37

Re: leave him??

Separation and Divorce should be your** last** resort. You can't threaten to leave everytime things don't go the way they are suppose to. Communication is the key.....discuss matters before taking any drastic measures.

Post ur No. of posts per day
38

Re: leave him??

**
I agree.

I skimmed through the replies and I may be repeating what others have said, but here is what I would suggest:

Talk to your husband about it. If he understands, fine. If he doesn't understand or asks you to keep ignoring it, then as TLK said, ask him if you and your hubby can move out. You must be very careful because you don't want your husband to think that you are separating him from his parents. In Islam, it is your right to ask your husband for a separate place and he should comply. It is his duty to be respectful towards his parents so when you speak with him, assure him that he can still meet his parents everyday but you would like to have your own place where you are in charge.

My best wishes are with you.

39

Re: leave him??

Tariq bhaii her husband is not abusing her and she can live seperately with her husband.
Chameli I am so sorry to hear that the only best thing you can do is talk to your husband and convince him to move out.HE seems like a "darpok " person so if you talk about divorce it may back fire.
First step you need to do that is tell your husband that his Father is unacceptable respect is the most important thing in you life not in a fighting manner politely but firm that you need a place of your own. And then give him warnings that you are gonna tell your parents about the situation even than your husband doesn't do anything then threaten him that you are leaving him.
Your FIL is not going to respect you until your husband will tell him in a firm manner that it is not acceptable for him to treat his wife like that.

40

Re: leave him??

nope. nope. nope.

dont leave him. assert his self by protecting him. and enable him to see that you are wise and you care for him.

abusive husband, only recognizes his need for and ingrate attitude towards, good spouse when she is not around him. while all along she suffers his suspicion and he himself deprives himself of all the good warm feelings he could rejoice in, if only he was kind and fair.

yes, in order for you to do so, he has to give you space and trust you fully.
insha Allah, he will realise what he is doing. and he will change. and he will be on your side.

all the best to you.

Dushwari