Basically, I think what has happened is that because of the way Pakistani society was constructed, women had little control over anything outside of their homes. Some don't even have that. They rarely have direct control, but begin to exercise control through their sons, who are indebted to them. So they are extra sensitive to any change or external influences in their homes, and so instead of seeing the DIL as a family member, some (the more insecure and the more stubborn) they see her as a threat and treat her as such (as in the front car seat thread).
In addition, many (most?) Pakistani women are homemakers and have devoted their lives to raising their children. They have sacrificed their happiness for that of their elders, children, husband, families, etc. The assumption is that one day, these people will return the favor. So instead of doing what makes them happy, the culture dictated that it is the next generation that must give us happiness.
When these children grow up, the mothers have little to occupy them, unless they have other interests and means of feeling productive. Some mothers will continue to keep a hold on their children and will make the children feel guilty for any sign of independence. This isn't good for mother or child. The problem is, without having pursued other skills and interests, many women don't actually know what will make them happy. So they feel idle and demand more grandchildren and interfere unnecessarily in others lives in a way that I doubt makes them happy.
It's one thing to be consulted and to be part of the family; it's another to feel entirely dependent on others for fulfillment.
At some point, the cycle needs to be broken. We need to make it okay for people to look for their own fulfillment while still respecting and giving to those they care for. We need to encourage women to take pride in their motherhood but also their other skills, talents, and interests. We also need to legitimize women's voices, so that women feel empowered to act in the home as well as outside of it, and do not need to rely always on others for control and influence.
Sahar you are forgetting that it is not just the Pakistani society that is constructed this way, forgive me for being old fashioned but essentially this is what every society is even to this day. You are forgetting even those women who work in modern countries these days deliberately resign from their jobs and choose to become homemakers and you are also forgetting that it is no longer that era and time period where women were called housewives and given reference to their slavery to the husband and MIL. In the past women were required to stay at home even if they were educated and were asked to bare kids and just look after them. This is no longer the case, this is why no one calls these kinds of women housewives anymore, we call them homemakers to be more politically correct. You think women who are educated, it is imperative for them to get of the house and get jobs and work? Allah did not make a woman to work, essentially what we are supposed to is increase the Muslim Nation and take care of our husband and family. That is why it is said that husband and wife ek dosre ki dhal hain. As for the car thread all of you guys have misunderstood the situation, you all blame the MIL. However, it is just a matter of respect! Imagine this, you are a sister of your brother and you, your SIL, your brother and your mother are going somewhere. Who would you want to sit in the front seat? Your mother or SIL? I will always say my mother and there is no shame in this because she is mine and my brother’s mom and she is the one who is the elder of the family with wisdom and years of experience. The DIL should understand this, that her MIL is not just “saas” that is a very desi mentality which sucks. If she will always treat her MIL as just a “saas” she will never be able to respect her, you should see this woman as a female who conceived your husband and raised him and went through troubles and hardships for him and the least you can do is this much and not make such a fuss for sitting in the front seat.
And you say assumption, what is wrong in it? You will raise a son Inshallah, I do not know your marital and family status so cannot say much but consider yourself in this situation, would you like it if your son got married and stopped talking to you? Or he left home and hardly kept on touch or if your DIL did not talk to you properly and badmouthed you at every possible opportunity and kept your grandkids away from you? And you are saying about grandkids, who does not want grandkids? They are such a blessing and bring happiness in to a family, you are right that when some of the MILs kids grow up they do not have that much stuff to do but see that is where grandkids come in, when a baby comes in the household it gives the utmost happiness to its grandparents too as they see their child in it. They play with it, they share their love and affections with it and it is very natural.
I have many other things to say but even this post has become a bit too long so i will continue once you reply.
