^ I do have to agree with you Southie. Also this girl is a new mom and it seems that she's tackling that on her own too. Her baby's only five months, most girls have their mothers helping in the first couple of months and she's doing it on her own and her posts didn't suggest how tired or hard or any of that's been either. Clearly her FILs time to visit hasn't come at a convenient one and for all you moms you must know how that feels to be a new mom on top of handling a very difficult guest. All she probably wants to do is focus on the baby. Guests usually don't complain with the hand that is feeding them or even demand for more space. A space that was probably planned to be used for the new baby. Its unusual and ungrateful. By being a new mom alone, op could of been very much looking forward to her time away with just her hubby for valentines and its so unfair to play off her desires just because FIL is in town and can't act like an adult. Two hours away is not a big deal either, I really didn't think it was too much to ask for but OP should of clearly talked to her husband about it before hand which also could of worked against her. I guess she was assuming her husband would be on the same page because they haven't had these issues before. Nobody has come between them. A happy marriage is great but if husband isn't taking care of his responsibility to keep the balance, the problems they're having aren't entirely her fault. If she doesn't take on the certain advice being given here doesn't mean she's setting herself up for trouble, both people need to find their happy medium. They just need to seriously sit down and talk about the expectations while FIL is here from both of their ends. Not only from one end leaving one partner bearing the brunt of everything going on during his stay. Her husband just needs to step up.
I am overwhelmed by the amount of mixed response I have got. I wish I could reply to each your individual post but seeing I don't have that much time. Thank you all for your advice.
I was also raised to be respectful and my family is respected within the society. I never mentioned that I have complained to my husband about his family nor am I being un respectful towards the FIL. I am being dutiful in my duties. I am being depressed by the fact am not being treated fairly. I am being
Quiet and doing what they say! But for how long should I be quiet? My in laws are going to take advantage to this fact that yeh to bolti nahi hai hum iss ke sath kuch bhi kar sakte hain....
My FIL is physically healthy and active type and go out on his own most of the days. Now what is wrong in expecting him to understand that it's valentine day and I can look after my grand daughter for an hour or two? I have seen many in laws volunteering to do this and have play time with their poti. Infact my dad would too.. I understand if he was here in short vocation but we are talking about long term. Funnily enough he asked his daughter how was her v day and did they have good time? He jokingly said to her yeh outing jitni bhi karni hai karlo warna bache ke saath time nae milta. This alone shows he understands the concept of that day. My SIL is also expecting soon. And When I mention giving my opinions, it's not something I openly talk to him and believe me I don't converse with him or exploit him with my knowledge etc. like we all in room and u casually mention something to my hubby like this type of food is available in this redtaurant and he would interrupt kuch nahi pata tumhe, Internet me kuch aur likha hua.. To my hubby koi nae idher gayi huyi, yeh to class ka restaurant n he would just dismiss me like m no one..
I have allocated guest room to him and I have cleared out all my stuff and packed it in storage. Now what right does he have to open my private wardrobe and remove my baby clothes? I don't want to pack them up all again and spend hours organising my storage! Already it's not easy being a mum and manage house! I don't get any help here.. I'm on my own..
Previously I used to make light lunch for my hubby and now my FIL acts so astounded yeh khila rahi ho mere bête ko? Yeh koi khana hau? I now mAke two times proper dish for lunch and dinner. And ofcourse not to mention regular cleaning and washing up! My baby needs me!!! despite putting all the effort he's still not happy!
And yes you are right I do have some of my anger directed towards my husband and I haven't voiced it yet.. I m angry why can't he take a stand for his wife? Why not have balance..
Why should I shift to guest room? Guest room wardrobe is same size as mine. My room is not spacious as guest room as I have baby nursery in there too, cot bed and changing table and other furniture items..
RoseAli, how long is your father in law there for? what is long term? Is he there for more than 3 months?
Look, as unjust and unfair as it all sounds.. there isnt a lot you can do to change your FIL.
What you can do is, win the trust of your husband and talk to him about your concerns and if he is on the same page as you, he can discuss what is acceptable and unacceptable with your FIL. But, dont you be the one to go around enforcing anything.
Having said that, it will take a lot of guts on your husband's part to speak up to his dad, if that's what you and him think is the solution.
Besides that, please refrain from calling your husband his dad's chamcha... that's not going to get you anywhere. Even if you're not calling this on his face, implying that and thinking that is just as bad... your negativity is obviously coming out.
And in regards to being treated differently to your SIL (your husband's sister), you can either just accept the reality of it and just forget it... or if it bothers you THAT much.. if it affects you that much that it's affecting your health or your relationship with your spouse, then speak up about it and tell them how it is. That it is unfair and unacceptable. But, it needs to come out in a way that it doesnt sound petty.
Come out of the mindframe that you're the victim. You may be. You probably are. But own yourself... own your life and deal with it. Cut the crap out of your life.. cut out the negativity and get on with things. Look after yourself. Look after your kid. Look after your husband. And it's not as easy as cooking his favourite meals. Looking after a spouse goes way beyond cooking cleaning and fulfilling sexual desires.
Go out for a walk... take your bubba out and forget about your FIL, for now. Let him be.
Previously I used to make light lunch for my hubby and now my FIL acts so astounded yeh khila rahi ho mere bête ko? Yeh koi khana hau? I now mAke two times proper dish for lunch and dinner. And ofcourse not to mention regular cleaning and washing up! My baby needs me!!! despite putting all the effort he's still not happy!
And yes you are right I do have some of my anger directed towards my husband and I haven't voiced it yet.. I m angry why can't he take a stand for his wife? Why not have balance..
Why are you killing yourself making extra salan for only 3 adults? Why are you bending over backwards? Do the cooking and cleaning as required; not as overcompensation for someone who will find fault in everything. Give yourself a break. If you have not voiced your anger at your husband, then why are you both fighting and what is he angry at?
You know when your FIL criticizes your lifestyle, he is not only dismissing you...he is also dismissing his son at the same time...because your husband approves of the lifestyle you have. When he dismisses your cooking, he is ALSO dismissing his son because your husband approves of your dishes....so FIL is dismissing his son's tastes. Do you think your husband wants his father to complain all the time? I think your husband imagined that his dad would enjoy his stay here and have good things to say about his son's home and life. Maybe you husband doesn't voice it but it's possible that it's not all that fun for him that despite all the efforts you and him make, his dad is never content. He can't feel good about that; voicing his feelings is another issue. It's possible that FIL's attitude bothers him too, but he avoids confronting his dad and he avoids criticizing you to maintain peace in the home. Something to consider.
^ seriously RV, as many a times you may be right.. I just want to say, who really cares whats going on in FIL's head.
Leave him alone. Leave the poor man alone.
I don't know if I'm right or even what the best solution would be. In my last post, I wasn't trying to get into the FIL's head or analyze him. If Rose thinks that she's the only one who's suffering, I was trying to point out that maybe her husband is not having fun either. They say it takes emotional energy even to give someone the cold shoulder, to ignore them and not say a word. FIL is exerting a lot of energy on a daily basis to bring OP down; that negativity is not healthy. I have seen my dad get upset when he has made the effort for something like a family vacation and arguments put a damper on things. He wouldn't express the disappointment, but it could be seen. So, I can't imagine that OP's husband is happy if his dad is criticizing food every single day amongst other things. I don't think OP is alone in her distress.
^ how can u get inside someone's head and analyse them without even speaking to them?!
One can still try to analyze someone without speaking to them; we do it all the time. It's true that it would be more speculation/conjecture that way than actually talking to the person. I thought it might be of some comfort to OP to consider that she's prolly not the only one who's stressed; that it may also be hard for husband to be surrounded by frequent negativity. I am not treating my views like facts, sadzz; that's why I use words like maybe, think, imagine, possible, etc. Op would have a better idea and she can take/ignore whatever she wants of the perspectives n suggestions put forth.
My FIL is hell bent on taking us with him to Pk and what is the valid reason I can give my hubby that I don't want to travel with him. I don't breast feed so feeding won't be good enough reason! My hubby will say why can't you go with him as he's my dad and is like a father to you! I really don't want to go! Helllp!!!
OP, you need to just put your foot down and communicate openly and honesty with your husband and tell him that you will not travel to Pakistan without him and do not feel comfortable accompanying his after alone. That's it. You're a married women with a child now. Take control of your own life. Don't look for excuses. Don't look to place blame on your FIL. Don't try to manipulate anything. Just speak to your husband honestly and openly in a non confrontational manner
Nobody can drag you there. You don't need a "valid" reason, just any that your comfortable with. You don't want to go with your new baby to Pakistan alone and without him, that's it. You will travel when he travels that's it. You just need to be straight forward about this.
I guess you are right but I m not that confident to stand up., I know he will say either way you have to go.. He won't understand why I feel uncomfortable with traveling with him ..
Now I know why my relatives in Pk used to say to me be chalaak and all or your in laws will eat you up because I'm so bholi bhali.. I don't have good comebacks.. How can I be chalaak?
You don't be chalaak. Go back and read my post again...without manipulations is how you need to carry yourself.
Every marriage and relationship has it's trials and tribulations and learning curves, and this is just one of many you will encounter. Take it from somebody who has been married for 15 ears and had a very contentious relationship with in laws...you CANNOT let this define you or dictate how your life will run. You ARE strong enough to communicate like an adult with your husband and get your point across .
Your attitude and actions will set the course for his understanding. Think about that.
RoseAli... I was given the same advice by someone 10 years ago. I listened to it and threw it out along with the person who said it to me.
You dont need to be chalak. Be smart. Smart in your actions and in your responses.
Smart means being able to bite your tongue at most frustrating times and it means being able to deal with things diplomatically.
Jealous and envious people will be quick to judge you and call you a doormat. Those people can be kept at an arm and leg length as well.
If it really bothers you, going to Pakistan, then just let your husband know, without being all emotional on him. Otherwise, stop the drama and just go. You've got preconceived ideas of how bad it will be. It might not actually be that bad. You may even build a nice bond with his family?
I was put into a similar situation way back when my child was around the same age as yours. I had my fears too, but I went along with it. But, I came back as a winner. And it changed the course of my relationship with my inlaws, for the better.
Just some advice from someone whose been there done that... tick tick tick
Rose, people will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. You have a decision to make - either comply with your husband's and FIL's wishes (and understand that this is not the end - there *will *be more instances in the future when you are expected to do the same) or take a firm stand as khatti said. You don't need an "excuse" to say no, the fact that you are uncomfortable is reason enough.
If you decide to talk to your husband openly about your feelings: Don't make this about your FIL - don't badmouth him or complain about him. Make sure your husband understands that you have no problem visiting your in laws if he accompanies you. Offer to look up tickets for a time when your husband can travel so he knows you're not bluffing.
As an aside, I don't think going alone to visit your in laws is the problem. The fact that you were not consulted, and just expected to go with FIL is a bigger deal for me. I would have probably even made the journey if my husband requested me or told me how much it meant to him. But just being pushed into it.. not happening.