Since my FIL has came, I’ve fallen into depression. I have tried everything and tried to be calm during his visit and got myself busy in baby and normal routines. He’s on his mission to criticize and patronise on my everysingle little things
Apparently I can’t cook properly. My husband has never complained about this before and infact he used to compliment on my signature dishes. Now every now and then i make those dishes again, My FIL has some brainwashed my hubby that that;s not proper dish etc.. she hasn’t made this like or that… I made a steak once and my husband really liked it and casually said Aaj yeh bohat maze ka bana hai… n my FIL goes hmm haan lekin agar aise hota to aur maza ka hota. Jaise tumhari maa …
Oh I can’t organise my wardrobe properly. Since guest room wardrobe is full of his clothes, he’s taking things out my wardrobe my baby clothes and putting his inside. And says if you could organise this wardrobe properly it could fit eight people clothes inside init.. As if! My baby clothes which were to be used in one month s time, telling me to pack these somewhere and take out when it’s needed..
Since flats have storage problems, he’s saying we have so much stuff that either needs to be thrown away or sent back to my mums temporarily.. there’s really not much stuff.. Most are basics day to day.. and most of my stuff is still at my parents..
I am not a good mother! Why you ask? Because I let my baby sleep in the cot and I am also in the same room.. Baby should sleep next to me in the bed all the time. I should hold her all the time!! I know what I am doing and I’m with her most of the time. Who will cook or do the cleaning because you won’t hold her more than 5 minutes. When I am doing chores, I leave my baby either in swing or bouncer or playmat, all the time I am watching her..
Valentines day! The day I am looking forward to the most and have some alone time for hubby. My hubby had left it to me for restaurant planning. I had cooked food for my FIL and he didn’t once opted to babysit my baby while me and hubby can go out.. Instead he inteferred in my restuarant choices and said he wanted to go there.. He also went with us.. My hubby is ofcourse his chamcha, never saying no or standing up to his dad.
Since he came he has never bought anything of my baby not a dime!
My FIL doesn’t believe in non halal restaurants… he says all restaurants are halal.. My hubby doesn’t object to this and eat haram meat with his dad while I always opt for vegetarian option. This makes me upset, what kind of example are we setting for my baby?!
Me and my hubby, I feel like we are being more distant and we fight more often. My husband often speak shouts at me infront of his father and I swear once i saw him smile seein us fight..
Whatever suggestions I give to my FIL regarding lifestyle here or anything educational are invalid to him.. Apparently women are not supposed to be educated to him. Once we were deciding about cars with my hubby which one to buy and FIL was astounded by the level of knowledge I have about cars and said Agar ghariyun (cars) ki jaga khana banana seekh leti to, Aaj aise khane dekhne ki sobhat nae milti.
I dont know what to do.. am running out of patience… I feel like I am loosing my hubby..
Stop giving your FIL suggestions regarding lifestyle. Do you really think that the man who wants you to change your entire lifestyle would be open to listening to your suggestions regarding his way of life? He is much older than you and therefore more set in his ways. If you want to have a debate on lifestyle choices, do that with your husband or friends. Not your FIL. It will be more easier for you to make changes in your own behavior that will bring more peace in your life than hoping for your FIL to change. That can take forever and your marriage and sanity and afford that long of a wait. So, you try to be the more sensible one here and make changes in your behavior. Stop doing those things that are fueling the tension.
Stop expecting FIL to buy you n the baby gifts. Your baby is not lacking in clothes or other items, Alhumdolillah. Criticizing your cooking is disrespectful, but does he still clean up his plate? If so, you win...and he doesn't even realize it's your victory. So, let it go.
Usually FILs aren't intrusive...i'd chalk it up to being an old man, sounds bad when i say it like that...but usually as people get older they are more and more resistant to change. They like the things they do and the way they do them. If this is just a visit for a few months...then be patient...it isn't worth it to feel stressed over how he feels abt ur cooking/organising/knowledge.
That being said...the haram/halal restaurant thing is defo something u need to address with your husband. If ur husband is changing his stance on it just for his father then thats wrong, IMO. It would defo send mixed mssg to ur daughter. If he doesn't want to offend his father i'm sure it doesn't need to be mentioned that u don't think such-and-such restaurant is halal. Just be discreet and order the veggie/halal option. Also as long as u and hubby follow a certain dietary restriction...that's all that matters. Don't feel as if FIL should change his ways in that matter.
I hope that helps...i know it's defo stressful with a baby and then someone complaining all the time. Good luck!
^Also, if the money that FIL would have bought the gifts with was given to him by your husband....then it's kinda like you're getting it from your husband which you already are...so let this one go.
You need to stop being so sensitive and stop caring so much about what your FIL thinks. That’s how you keep your sanity with in-laws like this.
If FIL wants to criticize your cooking let him. Why do you let his words get to you so much? He’s eating the food right? And your husband doesn’t have a problem with your cooking right? So let it go. When FIL says anything bad about your food, pretend you didn’t hear it.
All the comments about your wardrobe, where baby sleeps etc…again, as long as your husband isn’t saying anything to you, why do you care so much? Simply nod and smile and move on. This is a temporary visit. It’s not like FIL has moved in with you permanently.
Valentines Day: As a grown woman, a mother…do you seriously think it’s acceptable to leave your FIL, who is a guest in your home, alone in the house while you and your husband go for a frigging romantic dinner?! Seriously?! I don’t like my in-laws either but I can’t imagine actually leaving them in the house while I go on a “romantic” dinner with my husband. Forget Valentine’s day…my parents came in town to visit me during the weekend of my 1st wedding anniversary. And on my 1st wedding anniversary, guess what…neither my husband nor I had any problem with my parents joining us for dinner. I would have been furious if my husband had even hinted that we leave my parents at home while we go out! Would you really feel the same way if it was YOUR dad?
Stop expecting your FIL to buy stuff. You said yourself storage is an issue in a flat. You should be happy FIL isn’t buying stuff that may not even be to your liking!
Stop giving your FIL advice/opinions on lifestyle here or educational advice. He’s a old man set in his ways and he’s not going to change his mind. Plus he’s not planning on moving to where you live…he’s only visiting.
Your husband eating non-halal in front of his father is the only serious issue here. However, this is not something to freak out over. Your baby is 5 months old. It’s not like she’s going to remember this meal. So stay calm. AFTER your FIL leaves, then you can bring this up with your husband in a CALM manner. Discuss your concerns and see if your husband has changed his views when it comes to eating halal-only and go from there.
Is he taking clothes out from your bedroom closet? If so, start keeping your room door close at all times. Take his clothes from your closet and put them back in his bedroom closet. Don't allow him to go to your room. If you find him doing so, stop him and ask what he needs from your room.
Unfortunately, you will just have to ignore everything else. Just keep a distance from him and keep your communication very limited with him.
Also, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my baby with such a negative person. So be glad that he has not offered to baby sit.
Lack of sleep. Lack of quality time with hubby. The inclusion of another family member, the husband's family member, is causing one to be so emotional.
I have been there. Felt it. And all i can say is.. I was in the wrong
Is he taking clothes out from your bedroom closet? If so, start keeping your room door close at all times. Take his clothes from your closet and put them back in his bedroom closet. Don't allow him to go to your room. If you find him doing so, stop him and ask what he needs from your room.
Unfortunately, you will just have to ignore everything else. Just keep a distance from him and keep your communication very limited with him.
Also, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my baby with such a negative person. So be glad that he has not offered to baby sit.
Really?! He's not harming the baby.. he just has difference of opinion. I can understand if he physically harming the baby... but what exactly is he doing here? and what negativity?
Paheli is right about leaving your FIL home alone on V-Day. Le sigh...as usual the things that are right are so hard to accept and follow....even more so when you and husband were used to doing things differently before FIL's arrival. It would have been a different case if your FIL had other family members at home to give him company. Or if he were the kind to encourage both you and husband to go off on your own. Perhaps your parents are the kind that would be okay with you and husband having privacy. But in your case, it's better that he came along because leaving him alone at home could have led to greater resentment and more complaints at a later point. That's another angle to look at it from. I hope things become easier for you.
Really?! He's not harming the baby.. he just has difference of opinion. I can understand if he physically harming the baby... but what exactly is he doing here? and what negativity?
I just feel his behavior is pretty negative in general. Also, it doesn't seem he is all that interested in spending time with the baby. I would not leave my baby with someone who doesn't seem warm towards my baby,i.e. is making attempts to hold him, play with him, etc. From her post, it doesn't seem he makes any such attempt.
I just feel his behavior is pretty negative in general. Also, it doesn't seem he is all that interested in spending time with the baby. I would not leave my baby with someone who doesn't seem warm towards my baby,i.e. is making attempts to hold him, play with him, etc. From her post, it doesn't seem he makes any such attempt.
And the negativity that is coming from the mother?
I'm going to generalise a bit here now, but I think a lot of older generation men find it difficult being all cuddly wuddly and cutesie with babies.. even our generation, you dont see a lot of men going completely gaga over a baby... it's mostly the dad's who do that.. and that too probably in privacy.
Whatever the case, we're only hearing a one sided story from someone who is extremely emotional and tired right now. It is highly unlikely we will hear anything positive about the FIL.
^My dad is awkward around babies. Even when his nieces and nephews were babies. Even when those nieces and nephews had babies of their own...he'll smile at them from a distance, but he's not the kind to pick them up and bounce em. Funnily though, he was affectionate/cuddly with me and my siblings. So, unless OP's FIL displays more warmth toward any other grand-babies he might have, it's possible ...as Sadzzz has said...that he loves the baby but is not overly demonstrative of his affection.
I am sorry for you, really am. Privacy is a must and you are suffering from lack of it. Don't expect sympathy from everyone here. Mostly, its you are wrong and in Islam parents and husband are important. And he's like your father too, never mind Islam says that you are entitled to privacy and are not even required to cook for him. God forbid if your parents came to live with you and your husband was rude to them, you would not be allowed to complain, because in our society if a husband is allowing that you should be thankful.
I don't know how our elders think they can control us in that way. And in laws do that because they know they have the power to get away with anything just because they are in laws. If your father in law would act as a father instead of a father in law, I am sure you would feel better.
About the halal restaurant thing, my husband has no issues with eating non halal at all, but the kids and I eat halal or seafood/ vegetarian options only. When my kids question their dad's choice, its hard to explain but follow our way. May Allah keep us on the straight path. And so far it has worked for us!
He sounds like an idiot. There is no need to pass underhanded comments to you. If I were in that position I'd take a break and go hang out at my parents with the baby.
Eastern11 - it's not abt the in-laws thing...yes, some in-laws are deeply rooted in cultural norms...and this creates a lot of ill-feeling towards the DIL. Islam does entitle us to privacy and all.. but we are also supposed to be kind to elders. Its not an obligation to take care of ur in-laws...but it is seen as kindness, as a good deed. If the FIL is treating trivial things as a big deal...then honestly, since he is an elder...just let it go...esp since it's not a permanent living situation. Don't eat ur head in abt FIL's ways/opinions.
It just seems like this is more of a vent then Op being negetive. I mean ca'mon, who wouldn't feel over stepped in their own home especially. She has a right to her very valid concerns, this is her home too.
Op, I think the advice you have been given is good advice. You just need to relax and remember one very important thing, this is a very temporary situation. Stop giving your FIL any kind of advice and I would say stop trying to include yourself in certain conversations that you don't even need to be in. His comments about your cooking and all that criticism isn't okay but the problem here isn't with what he is saying, it is about how you are reacting to it. Do not react at all and let him be, like someone said this is the food and the setting HE has to adjust to while he is here, what other choice does he really have. Some elders have a habit of always being brutally honest about their feelings because at that point in life they feel they have a right too. Let him rant and rave and just take it in good stride and move on. It IS possible trust me, my FIL wasn't very much different than yours. The issue with the halal meat thing, talk to your husband in private about it and ask him regardless of where you guys eat, if he could continue his good streak of not ordering any non halal options. Listen to his side on the subject and just approach your concern with sensitivity to your husbands feelings. Your not losing your husband at all but you need to remember, this is probably a new scenario for him as well and he's probably trying to handle it the best he can- by giving his dad whatever he wants. If you just put up with FIL without much complaint and just not take everything he says or does to you so seriously you will have a much easier time not only keeping your sanity but your husband WILL notice your efforts. Your job is to take care of your husband right? So for the time being that involves his father in the picture as well. Don't fret over your romantic holiday plans, these things come by every year. I mean, if it is bothering you then talk to your hubby and ask him to plan another day for you guys at a better time to make up for the romantic dinner or whatever you wanted but just talk to him about YOU feel not how FIL totally crashed in your private dinner date. Being emotional and expressing your discontent with his fathers stay will only stress him out. If your husband is good to you normally and you guys have a good understanding, it isn't something he would flip over unless you bring it up the wrong way. Just be more understanding of your husbands position of being stuck in the middle and I am sure he'll appreciate it as the time goes on while your FIL is there.
How much longer does he have for his stay? Just let him adjust and once he does, the complaining will get old. Hopefully. This is still your house, if something is criticized for the way you keep things or run things, like who cares. You can do whatever you want. But while he is staying with you, just move your things out of his room. I mean isn't that awkward anyway having to go into the room he's staying in to get the things you need? Like your baby's clothes and items you use regularly shouldn't be there for the time being. That's how you can avoid that kind of stress. You still need to be accommodating to him if you know he will change things around in the room he is in, just give him the freedom to do so, and don't make a fuss. You can change it back when hes gone. Once you get over it and move on, you'll have it easier. Do not fight with your husband about anything, he cannot change his father. If his father is the way you describe then your husband standing up to him probably won't do any good for the situation. So just follow your husbands lead and do not fight with him over this trivial stuff when four or however long months from now it will all be over. You are not losing your husband but you will grow distant if you don't show a little bit more flexibility and understanding. You just have too. Because remember- its only temp!! I totally feel your grief but you just need to learn to tackle the suits toon in healthier ways. I have been married for 4 years, my FIL has bought me jack. He went to Pakistan for a few months and when he came back, all of my husbands cousins got boxes of clothes and items that he bought and I got one cotton suit. I cried and laughed about it at the same time because sometimes it's hard when you come from such different family backgrounds and obviously would never get treated that way in your own home so I just talked to my husband because he did see how upset I was, he ended up taking me shopping for some suits a few weeks later and we called it a day... There's not much else you can do about these scenarios, it's always really tough. You can't change anyone, but you can change the way you approach the whole scenario. Don't take it so seriously and just keep on.
I don’t like my in-laws either but I can’t imagine actually leaving them in the house while I go on a “romantic” dinner with my husband. Forget Valentine’s day…my parents came in town to visit me during the weekend of my 1st wedding anniversary. And on my 1st wedding anniversary, guess what…neither my husband nor I had any problem with my parents joining us for dinner. I would have been furious if my husband had even hinted that we leave my parents at home while we go out! Would you really feel the same way if it was YOUR dad?