Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
^^ how about she was anticipating all this since day one and knew how it was going to be and therefore wanted to cut his visit short. (not saying that thats what she should do, but just that only she knows her inlaws.. And u don't need to live with them to know them. If they can give u grief from saath samandar paar I think it's safe to say it'll be ten times worse when ur living in the same house).
Re: I’ve had it!! Enough is enough
I was raised to treat ALL guests staying in my house with respect. I don’t treat a guest differently just because they’re “long term”. This may be a difference in values b/t you and I but from what I have been taught, when you have a guest saying in your house, you don’t leave them alone in order to go have a romantic dinner with your spouse. If FIL had MIL or other adults in the house with him, my opinion MAY be different. But to leave a guest alone, especially a man old enough to be my own father, in the house with an infant while hubby and I go out on a romantic dinner isn’t something that’s acceptable in my book. Its rude…plain and simple.
Yes, maybe OPs dad MIGHT have offered to stay back and babysit. But that didn’t happen. We’re talking about the FIL who did not volunteer. Of course it would’ve been nice for him to offer but it should not be expected. As I said earlier, if OP is really this desperate for a couple’s night out, she should discuss the matter with her husband, hire a babysitter, and have a romantic date.
BTW, go back, re-read what OP wrote, and tell me exactly what led you to believe that her husband was ok with or was planning on leaving his father alone in the house with the baby. The husband put OP in charge of picking a restaurant and did not tell his father that he wished to have a “date night” with OP alone. Clearly the husband and OP were not on the same page. And as I said earlier……if OP nags her husband into leaving the FIL home alone when the husband clearly doesn’t want to do it…..how does this improve OP’s relationship with her husband? Is this really going to make OP’s husband love/respect her more?
P.S. I find the comment about “as long as he had a decent dinner at home” it’s fine to leave FIL alone very disrespectful. The people I know who have cats/dogs think of their pets like this. As long as the pets have food and shelter, it’s fine to leave them alone in the house. It would be nice for us to think of our elders a bit differently than how Westerners think of their pets. And I repeat, it would be very different if the MIL or another adult was with the FIL. But here, we’re talking about leaving the FIL by himself with an infant and a “decent dinner”.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
1) I was raised to treat ALL guests staying in my house with respect. I don't treat a guest differently just because they're "long term". This may be a difference in values b/t you and I but from what I have been taught, when you have a guest saying in your house, you don't leave them alone in order to go have a romantic dinner with your spouse. If FIL had MIL or other adults in the house with him, my opinion MAY be different. But to leave a guest alone, especially a man old enough to be my own father, in the house with an infant while hubby and I go out on a romantic dinner isn't something that's acceptable in my book. Its rude…plain and simple.
2) Yes, maybe OPs dad MIGHT have offered to stay back and babysit. But that didn't happen. We're talking about the FIL who did not volunteer. Of course it would've been nice for him to offer but it should not be expected. As I said earlier, if OP is really this desperate for a couple's night out, she should discuss the matter with her husband, hire a babysitter, and have a romantic date.
3) BTW, go back, re-read what OP wrote, and tell me exactly what led you to believe that her husband was ok with or was planning on leaving his father alone in the house with the baby. The husband put OP in charge of picking a restaurant and did not tell his father that he wished to have a "date night" with OP alone. Clearly the husband and OP were not on the same page. And as I said earlier……if OP nags her husband into leaving the FIL home alone when the husband clearly doesn't want to do it…..how does this improve OP's relationship with her husband? Is this really going to make OP's husband love/respect her more?
P.S. I find the comment about "as long as he had a decent dinner at home" it's fine to leave FIL alone very disrespectful. The people I know who have cats/dogs think of their pets like this. As long as the pets have food and shelter, it's fine to leave them alone in the house. It would be nice for us to think of our elders a bit differently than how Westerners think of their pets. And I repeat, it would be very different if the MIL or another adult was with the FIL. But here, we're talking about leaving the FIL by himself with an infant and a "decent dinner".
To add to your post, elderly men are really not good caretakers of the baby. In my wildest dream, I would not expect my dad to take care of my baby because I know he doesn't even know... It will be very rude of me to put him in-charge, however, he'd probably give me a big lecture that it is my responsibility. Babysitters are always helpful in these type of situations.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
Respectfully disagree with post 42 pt 1. It is OK for the couple to go out on a romantic date leaving the long term guest behind. They don't have to do EVERY outing together.
Am surprused at the free pass the father in law is getting. And the gentle admonitions to the OP to not make a mmountsin out of a mole hill.
Instead of being a father figure he is constantly undermining OP and putting her down. OP has my respect for maintaining sanity and being the ONLY adult in that household
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
^Southie....I really do sympathize with OP. But it doesn't seem as though she's maintaining her sanity. If she were, she would let go of some issues. FIL might not even understand the concept of V-Day, but let's put that issue aside and look at the other things.
Yes, it's very rude to criticize food that OP makes and to do it often. It's not just disrespect to the person who cooked it, it's an ungratefulness toward the blessing of food when there are many people in the world suffering from hunger. Chotay bachon ko samjhaya jaata hai k beta it's wrong to criticize food...and that too...all the time. So, it's a shame that a grown man cannot manage better table etiquette. Now we don't have the FIL's side of the story, so we can only go by OP's threads. Based on what she's told us about her FIL in this thread and previous ones, do you really think FIL will appreciate even the GENTLEST admonishment from his son or DIL that "Abba ji, itni mehnat se khana pakaya hai, aap please har dafa to mat nuqs nikaalain. Achi baat nahi hai." I doubt he'd take kindly to it. So, that leaves the OP with some options to "maintain" that sanity of hers. If FIL doesn't like her roti, she can consider asking him if he'd prefer the ready-made, frozen variety. She could choose to get recipes from her MIL, but should be prepared that FIL might start comparing her even more to MIL's cooking. Now if OP cannot make such changes, then all that is left is for her to realize that if FIL is cleaning up his plate each day.....then that says it all. Actions speak louder than words, no? She can silently chuckle over the energy he spends each day criticizing her food which is soon wasted the minute that plate is wiped clean. She can try to maintain sanity in this way. In her previous threads, she has mentioned FIL criticizing her cooking over SKYPE. This is nothing new to her. He hasn't changed. What's changed is her state of mind from a fairly happy wife and to a disgruntled one.
Baby clothes. Had she received gifts from her in-laws that she does't like, she'd be complaining about them and as a result offend her husband. If FIL has no employment and no other sons, chances are that he gets money from OP's husband. If that money was used to buy gifts....it's kinda like getting gifts from her husband which she already is. That's another way to look at it.
Why are you begrudging your FIL for not watching over your baby when you don't like him in the first place? I highly doubt that FIL would hurt the baby. He has to have some love for his grandchild to be willing to live in a house with a screaming, crying baby. There's nothing wrong with FIL bonding with the baby when OP is also around. But if FIL does not feel comfortable handling a baby on his own for a long period of time, he may feel overwhelmed without OP to help him.
He comes from a different place, a different generation, and he appears set in his ways. Chances are he's not gonna be convinced about OP's worldviews. Why is she getting so frustrated that he doesn't share her opinions? If she wants to "maintain sanity", she could just avoid discussing certain topics, no? So, tell me Southie, despite that FIL cannot manage to help maintain a peaceful atmosphere in his own son's home, do you really think think that OP is maintaining her sanity or is she maybe stressing her own-self out in some ways?
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
Great points RV. Couple of gentle protests:
1) " we don't know FIL's story". That line, IMO, doesn't belong. For we should go by what we have.
2) Your assumption that OP would complain if FIL gift for baby nnot to her liking is making an unnecessary and unfair assumption abt OP.
OP has come here to vent. So that she doesn't burst. We all have our limits. While what you stated is logical, it is easier said than done.
Your advice is great. And I hope OP follows it. For her own sake. But do cut her some slack. It is tough to live under same roof with a constantly negative person.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
Great points RV. Couple of gentle protests:
1) " we don't know FIL's story". That line, IMO, doesn't belong. For we should go by what we have. 2) Your assumption that OP would complain if FIL gift for baby nnot to her liking is making an unnecessary and unfair assumption abt OP.
OP has come here to vent. So that she doesn't burst. We all have our limits. While what you stated is logical, it is easier said than done.
Your advice is great. And I hope OP follows it. For her own sake. But do cut her some slack. It is tough to live under same roof with a constantly negative person.
You are right! But she needs to compromise in this scenario for her husband's sake. Life cannot be always great.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
Great points RV. Couple of gentle protests:
1) " we don't know FIL's story". That line, IMO, doesn't belong. For we should go by what we have. 2) Your assumption that OP would complain if FIL gift for baby nnot to her liking is making an unnecessary and unfair assumption abt OP.
OP has come here to vent. So that she doesn't burst. We all have our limits. While what you stated is logical, it is easier said than done.
Your advice is great. And I hope OP follows it. For her own sake. But do cut her some slack. It is tough to live under same roof with a constantly negative person.
I know people that are hard to be around for even a few hours much less live with them for several months. As I said earlier, I do sympathize with her. I admit it's easier said than done, but if no effort is made at getting something "done"...it won't change anything. So, had the baby gifts not been to her approval, she's been spared of that tension. I don't recall if she has asked for help in her original post, but if she has, then she has not come here only to vent. Yes, you are right about cutting some slack. Her FIL doesn't want to cut her slack...he didn't do it sitting behind a comp all the way in Pak....and he's not cutting her any slack in her own home. So Op needs to cut herself some slack, she needs to go easy on herself to stay sane.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
The thing about parents is that once they get old, they either become extra calm or they become impatient and cranky,which is fine and we should learn to adjust to that.Your husband does have an obligation to take care of his father,so you as a wife need to be respectful no matter what happens.Now that does not mean if he physically abuses you,you tolerate that. You need to remember you are no longer at your parents house,there will many times when you have to bite your tongue and not say anything. Respect him,you never know how many duas when he prays he gives you,and you never will.Respecting your FIL will only help you in the long run,because your children will respect you.I read a comment about fearing to leave your child with him,that is no true.Your child is his grandchild just the fact of his presence is enough of a gift for your child.Many of us do not get to see our grandparents...You may think he hates you,but maybe he likes you.I would suggest you be respectful,pray and concentrate on your baby:)
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
@RV
Great last sentence. 100% agreed.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
Out of all this, the only think that I find concerning is the fact that OP felt her FIL was smiling when her and her husband were arguing. She may have just imagined it. But what do you do if someone really is trying to ruin your relationship with your husband?
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
Out of all this, the only think that I find concerning is the fact that OP felt her FIL was smiling when her and her husband were arguing. She may have just imagined it. But what do you do if someone really is trying to ruin your relationship with your husband?
Let's assume that FIL's intention is to cause a rift between OP and her husband ....he's succeeding in stressing her out ...and that stress is seeping into her marriage, so it's working isn't it? She'll have to react in a way opposite to FIL's expectations and that will require will power. So, if he expects her to get defensive, angry, and to challenge him....then she'll have to behave in the opposite manner (unperturbed, calm, etc)
Maybe FIL was smiling because he was amused at their bickering...in that he found it silly...or perhaps he was reminded of the conflicts in the early stages of his own marriage.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
1) I was raised to treat ALL guests staying in my house with respect. I don't treat a guest differently just because they're "long term". This may be a difference in values b/t you and I but from what I have been taught, when you have a guest saying in your house, you don't leave them alone in order to go have a romantic dinner with your spouse. If FIL had MIL or other adults in the house with him, my opinion MAY be different. But to leave a guest alone, especially a man old enough to be my own father, in the house with an infant while hubby and I go out on a romantic dinner isn't something that's acceptable in my book. Its rude…plain and simple.
Good for you. We obviously differ in our philosophies. Leaving an adult alone in the house for one meal is not sacrilege in my books.
2) Yes, maybe OPs dad MIGHT have offered to stay back and babysit. But that didn't happen. We're talking about the FIL who did not volunteer. Of course it would've been nice for him to offer but it should not be expected. As I said earlier, if OP is really this desperate for a couple's night out, she should discuss the matter with her husband, hire a babysitter, and have a romantic date.
That post of mine was a speculation in response to another speculation by a different poster. And yes, I do agree it's not fair to expect FIL to babysit. She should have just hired a babysitter and gone for the dinner.
3) BTW, go back, re-read what OP wrote, and tell me exactly what led you to believe that her husband was ok with or was planning on leaving his father alone in the house with the baby. The husband put OP in charge of picking a restaurant and did not tell his father that he wished to have a "date night" with OP alone. Clearly the husband and OP were not on the same page. And as I said earlier……if OP nags her husband into leaving the FIL home alone when the husband clearly doesn't want to do it…..how does this improve OP's relationship with her husband? Is this really going to make OP's husband love/respect her more?
She obviously has things to sort out with her husband. And how is your solution which is essentially "bend over backwards to accommodate everyone and screw your own happiness" going to make OP any happier? And before you say this is just one visit, this is not the last time she's going to have FIL in the house. This problem, which is clearly making her unhappy, is not going to go away unless it's addressed. Sometimes you have to take a firm stand on things. Life is not a popularity contest
P.S. I find the comment about "as long as he had a decent dinner at home" it's fine to leave FIL alone very disrespectful. The people I know who have cats/dogs think of their pets like this. As long as the pets have food and shelter, it's fine to leave them alone in the house. It would be nice for us to think of our elders a bit differently than how Westerners think of their pets. And I repeat, it would be very different if the MIL or another adult was with the FIL. But here, we're talking about leaving the FIL by himself with an infant and a "decent dinner".
And I find your views extreme and laughable. Also, since you started the comparison between pets and elders - given how loved and well looked after westerners' pets are, I think we should actually take a lesson or two from them on how to treat our elders.
I've had it!! Enough is enough
RoseAli, where have you disappeared to? Have you been able to approach you'd husband about any of this? How are things rightnow?
Re: I’ve had it!! Enough is enough
OP you need a big hug!!! Come here you 
Some people have been so hard on the OP. It’s really not fair. She clearly said that she’s depressed 
You don’t know what it’s like unless you’ve been through it yourself.
OP your FIL sounds like a big baby. I hope this time passes soon!
For the person who said that her issues are “non-issues” - you have no idea what you’re talking about. To YOU these might not be issues but for the OP they obviously are. Stop mocking her feelings. Why do humans have to be so mean to other human beings.
Re: I’ve had it!! Enough is enough
Oh I assumed the main source of OP’s happiness would be a stable relationship with her husband where she doesn’t feel like she’s losing him & there aren’t constant arguments. Part of being an adult is deciding what sources of happiness are most important to us since life isn’t perfect.
OP doesn’t live with the FIL permanently & this isn’t a case where’s she actually experiencing verbal/physical/emotional abuse. FIL makes comments about her cooking and her mothering skills. Every single mother I know has heard some type of negative comment about her mothering skills, housekeeping skills, cooking whatever…whether that comment is coming from in-laws, some nosy neighbor/aunty, some other mom at school whatever…snarky/rude comments are just part of life. I can very much relate to having to hear negative comments about stupid stuff on a daily basis and understand how annoying it can be. Like I said earlier…OP is free to claim her right to be respected but afterwards, she shouldn’t be shocked if her relationship with her husband gets worse b/c he starts resenting her for how she behaves towards his father.
Of course this is not the last visit. But now that OP is experiencing this visit, she can do things to make it better next time. I believe being in a small flat is putting everyone on edge due to the lack of space. If the FIL is going to be visiting every year or whatever…perhaps OP can speak with her husband about moving into a bigger place by next year if they can afford it. She has the option of finding out from MIL what the FILs favorite dishes are & getting recipes for 2-3 dishes. Then making those dishes during his visit. This is killing 2 birds with one stone b/c I can’t imagine her husband not loving the fact that his wife is (1) Communicating with his mother to get her recipes…food he grew up eating; (2) He sees that wife is making an effort to make his father happy.
In addition I imagine that baby isn’t going to stay 5 months old forever. As the baby becomes a toddler or older, the FIL will also be kept busy b/c then he can actually interact/play with the child. Of course OP should have a conversation with her husband about the halal eating issue so that won’t happen again. If a wife is truly being mistreated then of course she should stand up for herself. But when dealing with stupid drama from our desi in-laws, we need to learn to pick and choose our battles. We need to think about whether we’re willing to accept the consequences of our actions. The whole stand-up-for-your-rights-and-demand-respect sounds great until the marriage goes sour b/c the husband is pissed off that his (1) Father isn’t being treated in a manner which he feels is respectful; and/or (2) FIL goes back and tells the rest of the family that the bahu was rude to him and then the husband has to listen to comments coming from other family members. So while the FIL comments are hurtful, OP needs to seriously think about whether standing up for herself is worth the risk of having her husband move even further from her emotionally.
I couldn’t agree more! And this is why OP needs to learn that it’s ok for the FIL not to like her cooking or not liking how she’s raising her child. She will never be able to please everyone & there will be people out there who will make nasty comments. Which is why she needs to stop caring about FILs words so much and stay focused on keeping her husband happy (and I don’t believe her husband is complaining about her cooking or mothering skills).
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
^ In a fictional world, all of the above can be incorporated. Reality is different. Agree with Lucy May, whose vision is more in tune with the real world. To expect OP to be the only adult in the family, while ideal, is not practical for most human beings.
Re: I’ve had it!! Enough is enough
^ OP simply needs to decide what things in life are most important to her & what she’s willing to sacrifice to get them. If she feels that LucyMay’s “real world vision” is the best route for her, then by all means she should follow LucyMay’s advice. My only request in that case would be for her to come back and let us know just how much happiness following that advice brings her & how wonderful her relationship w/ her husband is after she’s done standing up for her own happiness/rights. 
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
^ In a fictional world, all of the above can be incorporated. Reality is different. Agree with Lucy May, whose vision is more in tune with the real world. To expect OP to be the only adult in the family, while ideal, is not practical for most human beings.
My mom, Alhumdolillah, had an overall good relationship with my dada/dadi. The source of contention was her jhetani. I'm not a fan of my taya's wife; she can be a troublemaker and her husband doesn't seem like he'd take things seriously. For a long time my mom would get mad at my dad for not taking a more aggressive stand against her....and it would strain their relationship, My dad is the kind to resolve matters peacefully or to let things slide if they are only going to bring more trouble. My mom is more at peace now because she doesn't dwell on my aunt anymore; she's realized it's not worth it. To confront her or teach her a lesson would not be worth it cuz it would have fueled feelings of vengeance and made a bigger mess. Yes it is easier said than done to put yourself in that frame of mind, but it's not impossible. I can understand the importance of providing emotional comfort to the OP.....it has it's place.....but to only coddle and not offer suggestions to improve the situation isn't helpful. No doubt empathy is comforting and it makes one feel validated...but it's not very empowering. Op cannot control an old man set in his ways any more than she can control other people. If she's going to sit around waiting for him to change....or continue arguing with him so that he can one day hopefully accept her worldviews....and as a result feeling let down each time and entering a "victim" mentality. She's not entirely helpless. There are things that she can do on her end to alleviate her tension. Let's say that FIL's criticism stems from insecurity. Maybe he wants validation. Op can try agreeing with him, complimenting FIL in front of her husband...and see what impact that has on him. If it has none on the FIL, the positivity will have an impact on her husband...it can reduce the stress in the marriage....and if FIL still persists in being critical...his behavior will stand out even more...like a sore thumb because OP will not be acting in kind. If arguing with FIL and husband has only made things worse, time for a different approach/strategy.
Re: I've had it!! Enough is enough
Taya means father's brother?
Jethani means husbands brothers wife?
I salute your mother for her maturity. The fact that your father ( your Taya 's brother!!) Was supportive is a huge plus.
I do not believe OP has responded to FIL in a rude manner. While it is good to advise her about going easy on herself - as you so eloquently put it - it serves no purpose to beat up on her as some have. Requiring her to take the gentleman with them ALL the time is really quite silly. Asking her to essentially be the doormat is quite counter productive.
Whereas your approach of EMPOWERING OP by assuring her she is the ADULT in this situation and so she needs to handle the situation in such a way as not to get affected by childish and immature behavior of her FIL is a POSITIVE way of helping her out.
I just have an issue with the negativity - if you leave him behind, you are just treating him like a pet - being an example.
Could you pass me some tea?