I'm a little surprised at all the comments here defending the FIL and dismissing the OP's issues with FIL as trivial.
The FIL is a GUEST in HER home. He has completely DISRESPECTED her repeatedly on numerous occasions. She is not required to cook for him, but she still cooks meals for him and serves him and does her best to make him comfortable in her home. She is being a dutiful DIL, yet instead of APPRECIATING the fact that in addition to looking after a baby full time, taking care of the home etc., she is still cooking and ensuring FIL is taken care of. FIL has no right to insult her cooking. If he didn't like something she made, he should have stayed quiet. He does not need to go and rant about how it is not up to par. That is rude. Plain and simple.
Calling her a bad mother? Are you flipping serious? I would be livid if one of my in-laws said this to me. And all because she leaves her baby in the crib? This is beyond ridiculous. NO ONE has the right to call you a bad mother. That is mean and rude and completely uncalled for. This, especially coming from your FIL, just makes it that much worse. Remind him that it is HIS grandchild that you feed, clothe, comfort, play with, care for and are raising. He should be grateful and appreciative of all the time and energy you put into raising HIS GRANDCHILD.
About the V-day Dinner. This is not a short visit. He is visiting for a few months. If he was only here for 2 weeks, I would agree with most of the posts about not leaving him at home but for goodness sake he is here for a few months. Is ONE day alone at home really going to kill him? Most FIL/MILs that I know would TELL their son and DIL to go out and OFFER to watch the baby so that the parents can get a much needed date night. Parents of babies and children rarely get a chance to go out alone and grandparents can help make that happen and most grandparents LOVE spending time with their grandchildren so it is a win-win situation for all.
It is time we all STOP making excuses for people of THAT generation. NOT all people of that generation are messed up, so it is unfair to say "let it go, they were from a different time."
The elderly do not have a right to use their AGE as an excuse disrespect their kids or kids' spouses. OP, your FIL is completely out of line and you need to have a talk with your hubby. Tell your hubby how unhappy this situation makes you. If he cares about your feelings at all, he will man up and do something. The only one that can change things is your hubby. It is HIS father and he needs to tell his father that he has to start respecting you and back off.
Don't expect sympathy from everyone here. Mostly, its you are wrong and in Islam parents and husband are important. And he's like your father too, never mind Islam says that you are entitled to privacy and are not even required to cook for him. God forbid if your parents came to live with you and your husband was rude to them, you would not be allowed to complain, because in our society if a husband is allowing that you should be thankful.
This has nothing to do with who's right or what Islam says. This is about human nature & what REALISTIC options OP has in order to keep herself sane, and not cause further tension in her marriage. This is about OP learning to pick and choose her battles and using her BRAIN to control the situation…….instead of allowing her emotions to control her.
Whining/complaining about how inconsiderate/unfair our elders are doesn't help OPs situation. She can't control how her FIL behaves/thinks, and we all know her husband is not going to try to change his father's behavior….especially since the FIL is only visiting. The only thing OP has control over is her own behavior and her own thoughts.
^ Why won't her hubby try and talk to his dad? It is his Islamic duty to ensure her emotional needs are met. If his parents are being rude etc. to her and they are clearly in the wrong, he should try to do his best to help ease the tension and create a situation that is conducive to her well-being.
Decency and humanity requires that she cook to feed her husband, no? So the FIL will obviously partake of the meal she's cooked for herself and husband. If the FIL refuses to act in a decent manner, should OP behave in kind with him? If FIL refuses to help maintain the peace in his son's home, should the DIL help destroy it as well? If OP cannot stand to be told by her FIL how to run her home, then why is she so hell-bent on trying to convince him of her own world-views? Are they both not making the same mistake then?
You have three people here. The FIL is not going to change, the husband may not feel comfortable taking a stronger stand. Or maybe he does try to support her however much he can, but can't be too aggressive as that may bring about a bigger sh!tstorm. So, the OP should at least try to make some changes on her end to keep the peace. I recall that in a former thread the FIL would criticize her cooking even Skype. Chances are that FIL has been like this all his life. His son is aware of his temperament and habits. There's no change there. If there is a change, it's in Rose's attitude that's straining the marriage. No there's no excuse for disrespecting the blessing of food, for criticizing your DIL's efforts in trying to make you feel comfortable. Her baby and her marriage will be more impacted by her state of mind than the FIL's actions. If we tell her that there's no excuse for her FIL's actions, what exactly does that do for her? She already believes there's no excuse for his behavior or she wouldn't have made this thread. Point is what is she going to do that will make her life easier. If husband won't help and FIL won't quit, what can she do on her end? She's already admitted that she's been fighting with her husband a lot and that he's become distant. So, she needs to consider changing her approach.
Although I totally agree Candy, I don't think hubby will do anything and saying something whenever it comes to territorial issues NEVER will work out well but probably make things worse. If FIL was at all a nice person, these are things she wouldn't be experiencing. I am guessing he is not that nice so her husbands attempts to put his daddy in place will do nothing. You can't change people, that's unfortunately a reality, especially our breed of people. It's not fair nor okay but still a harsh reality. I am sure her husband is trying to do his best to just please his father. If him and the op are usually on good terms than she needs to deal with it for what it is, temporary. She doesn't have to change the way she does things much except for in certain aspects and making hubby speak to his dad won't help. I think she should talk to her husband about how it has hurt her while still being diplomatic. Some people are impossible to level with and this seems like one those inlaws that nothing except a separate living space will help. She has that, so she just needs to speak to hubby and get his reactions. If he begins to argue with her about it, then he's probably being affected to and she should just do her best to cope. Otherwise hubby could resent her for it since down the line this will probably seem like a very trivial time in their life. Temporary, remember. If hubby is understanding then he will try and be more attentive as to avoid any kind of tension from sides but remember, tug and wore can wear down a person too and what really matters is how hubby feels in this scenario, so she should take her lead from that.
Calling her a bad mother? Are you flipping serious? **I would be livid if one of my in-laws said this to me. **And all because she leaves her baby in the crib? This, especially coming from your FIL, just makes it that much worse. Remind him that it is HIS grandchild that you feed, clothe, comfort, play with, care for and are raising. He should be grateful and appreciative of all the time and energy you put into raising HIS GRANDCHILD.
So if your in-laws told you that you are a bad mother, and you responded by saying what you wrote above…..do you honestly think that's going to make the situation better? Do you think your husband would love/respect you even more because you stood up to his parents? Do you truly believe the tension in the house will become less by saying those comments back to the in-laws?
About the V-day Dinner. This is not a short visit. He is visiting for a few months. Is ONE day alone at home really going to kill him? Most FIL/MILs that I know would TELL their son and DIL to go out and OFFER to watch the baby so that the parents can get a much needed date night.
No its not a short visit. But is it going to kill OP to not go out on a romantic date on 1 valentine's day? Just b/c other in-laws are ok with watching an infant, that doesn't mean that OPs FIL (keeping in mind that the MIL isn't with him) should be EXPECTED to watch an infant by himself. Clearly OPs husband did not want to leave his father at home alone. Its great to want alone time with the husband but what good is that alone time if the husband is upset/resentful about the fact that his father is home alone? Date nights are supposed to bring a couple closer. For OP to complain/force her husband to leave the FIL alone in the house when the husband really doesn't want to do that kind of defeats the purpose of a date night.
^ Why won't her hubby try and talk to his dad? It is his Islamic duty to ensure her emotional needs are met. If his parents are being rude etc. to her and they are clearly in the wrong, he should try to do his best to help ease the tension and create a situation that is conducive to her well-being.
I will repeat….this isn't about what Islam says. Its about humans and how we react in daily situations. Of course its the husband's Islamic duty to look after her emotional needs. However, if OP can't control her own emotions and puts the husband in a position where the husband feels like he has to choose a side and go against his father……..how will that make the husband feel? OP keeps saying how she doesn't want to lose her husband, she feels they're drifting apart etc. Forcing the husband in a position where the husband has to speak up against his father…..is that really going to bring the husband emotionally closer to OP?
When a FIL takes role of MIL, thats where he is even more dangerous. I have seen some really awkward instances. What you mean you are losing your hubby. A woman always knows how to keep her hubby under har wings. She always have a set of magic tools. Just figure out which method will work on your hubby. Confrontation wont win you anything. Just remember that. You have all the power in the worl, just remember that. you may not be using it.
Why is it so unacceptable?? From what I understand, FIL is a longish term guest, not like he’s home for 2 days and OP and hubby wanted to leave him out of their plans even within those 2 days. As long as OP made sure he had a decent dinner at home, I don’t see why FIL has to be dragged along everywhere.
OP, I think your concerns are valid. FIL going through your wardrobe is plain weird and intrusive. Do talk to your husband about your concerns. As for your FIL, treat him with respect, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to take a firm stand and say "Thanks, but this is how I want to do things". You'll have to pick and choose your battles.. learn to ignore the trivial things (like cooking - you don't HAVE to please your FIL, or him not giving your baby gifts), but stand your ground on the more important stuff like raising your baby your way. Good luck!
Since my FIL has came, I've fallen into depression. I have tried everything and tried to be calm during his visit and got myself busy in baby and normal routines. He's on his mission to criticize and patronise on my everysingle little things
Apparently I can't cook properly. My husband has never complained about this before and infact he used to compliment on my signature dishes. Now every now and then i make those dishes again, My FIL has some brainwashed my hubby that that;s not proper dish etc.. she hasn't made this like or that... I made a steak once and my husband really liked it and casually said Aaj yeh bohat maze ka bana hai... n my FIL goes hmm haan lekin agar aise hota to aur maza ka hota. Jaise tumhari maa ...
Valentines day! The day I am looking forward to the most and have some alone time for hubby. My hubby had left it to me for restaurant planning. I had cooked food for my FIL and he didn't once opted to babysit my baby while me and hubby can go out.. Instead he inteferred in my restuarant choices and said he wanted to go there.. He also went with us.. My hubby is ofcourse his chamcha, never saying no or standing up to his dad.
Since he came he has never bought anything of my baby not a dime!
My FIL doesn't believe in non halal restaurants... he says all restaurants are halal.. My hubby doesn't object to this and eat haram meat with his dad while I always opt for vegetarian option. This makes me upset, what kind of example are we setting for my baby?!
Me and my hubby, I feel like we are being more distant and we fight more often. My husband often speak shouts at me infront of his father and I swear once i saw him smile seein us fight..
I dont know what to do.. am running out of patience.... I feel like I am loosing my hubby..
No. 1: Your husband shouldn't behave this way. You should take it easy. So what if he doesn't like your food and compares it to his wifes?
Valentines day .. Expecting your FIL to babysit your baby? Yeah not really going to happen.
Not buying you and the baby anything .. Does it really matter? Are you lacking in anything?
Husband shouting - again really bad behavior from your husband. He's not a little boy anymore.
Everything else which you mentioned is really not a big deal. As someone wrote, just nod and smile. I don't think you should take it to the heart.
Because when the husband was a kid, father-in-law dragged him everywhere too and fulfill his needs. Haven’t you heard the saying that aging is another stage of being a kid? I don’t think OP would have complained if he was her own father. Just sayin.
Because when the husband was a kid, father-in-law dragged him everywhere too and fulfill his needs. Haven't you heard the saying that aging is another stage of being a kid? I don't think OP would have complained if he was her own father. Just sayin.
Oh come on! Your comparison is completely ludicrous unless the FIL is senile and needs constant attention and monitoring.
And if we're speculating anyway, maybe OP's own father would have offered to stay at home to give his daughter and son-in-law a much needed break and some time together!
OP basically there is no way out here till FIL goes back home, so ur going to have to bear it. If u guys believe in eating only halal food and ur hubby was willing to overlook that (which woe technically be doing wrong to following Islam as best as u believe u can) then the rest is just side stuff. Once ppl decide to eat halal all the way they don't do it halfway. So just by that display I would think ur husband is going to let everything slide and ur going to have to deal with it on ur own terms.
U r going to have to accept whatever little victories u can conjure up. When he is not there, remove any extra stuff from the guest room wardrobe, put his clothes back there and later say k Abbu aapko mushkil hoti jaga jaga cheezain lainay ki to Maenay doosri cheezain nikaal seen Aur aapki sari aik jaga kar deen. Frankly if I was the guest and saw there wasnt enough space I'd live out of my suitcase for 3 months rather than snoop elsewhere and get into ppls cupboards. Have extra junk lying in ur room or whatever but just clear his area so he doesn't have to come into ur room. And I thought such old school ppl are so minimalistic, how much stuff did he bring that he's fixing it everywhere.
Ok next is the food thing. Next time there's a comment on ur cooking and how MIl cooks so well. Say Ji ammi k haath ka to Aur he maza hota hae. Wo aapki pasand dekh I banati hongi. Shohron ki pasand dekh k banana parhta hae na, inko jaesay pasand hota hae mujhay Waesay he banana parhta hae. If u think saying this stuff will offend ur hubby then don't say it in front of him.
Ok now the baby thing, say at whatever point when u were visiting Pakistan u heard all these ladies talking about how giving as much tummy time as u can to the baby will strengthen muscles and make them crawl and walk faster. Aur kisi nay bataya tha k neck strong na ho to hasli araam say parh jaati hae, boht mushkil hoti hae is liyay Mae usko playmat pay chhorti hoon.
Holding baby all the time, say Maeri friend baby Ko pakkar k khana banati thi, aik daffa kuch off balance hua and baby k oopar garam salan aa Gaya mujhay boht darr lagta hae is liyay Mae nahi kar sakti.
Baby sleeping in the cot, say hubby Ko Zada jaga chahiyay hoti hae unko darr lagta hae wo baby m upar karwat lay laingay.
Vday type stuff ur going to have to live with. I can't find a way out of that. The only way u could even ask him to keep the baby is if u had a hospital appointment and u didn't want to take the baby to wait so long with u with the germs. And ofcourse u would have to go for the appointment because ur hubby's not going to leave FIL home for no reason. So no romantic dinners sorry.
Basically ur way out of everything is to somehow state that u do things this way because ur husband likes them and in other words saying this is our life plz let us get on with it. The way u have described there is no way ur husband will ever confront ur FIL, first of all because he does not have a prob with how his father is being and that he sees no way out from it, it's like this is just how it is. If FIL thinks he has to hold her the whole time ur in the kitchen then tell him no its ok she's used to this she doesn't mind, FIL u don't have to hold her. Say midwife nay bhi yehi kaha tha k aesay kiya Karo, Warna kaesay manage karogi ghar. Pakistan Mae to it at log hotay Haen kabhi koi watch kar Laita hae kabhi koi Utha Laita hae, yahaan to Saaray kaam Aur safai Aur khana sub kuch khud karna hota hae.
Whatever probs u have u have to find a passive way of dealing with them when u know being confrontational is not going to get anything but hell. I'm all about being open and everything but I have Learnt that that only helps with ur own husband. For other ppl who u cannot be open and direct with u have to be subtle and respectful but still try to get ur point across.
He's just visiting for few months .. Be a big girl and suck it up. It's not end of the world if u missed valentines dinner and he took over ur closet space. When I had my son my inlaws came to visit and we gave them our bedroom cuz the mattress was comfortable. They didn't want to but we gave it to them anyways.
If anyone to blame here its ur husband cuz he can't keep a proper balance between both relationships. If u should be complaining about anyone it should be ur husband not ur FIL.
OP, I know it must be tough on you but keep in mind that the father-in-law was in your husband's life before your existence. You'd get lots of sawab for respecting him and your husband will love you more for that. If you can't handle and want to mess up your happy marriage, go ahead and complain to your husband! It is always hard to go through a change but once u do then everything falls together. Treat him like your own father. Do you misbehave with your own father?
Frankly if I was the guest and saw there wasnt enough space I'd live out of my suitcase for 3 months rather than snoop elsewhere and get into ppls cupboards. Have extra junk lying in ur room or whatever but just clear his area so he doesn't have to come into ur room. And I thought such old school ppl are so minimalistic, how much stuff did he bring that he's fixing it everywhere
Seriously. It's a little strange and looks like a controlling issue from the FILs end. There's not even space for me in my parents house when I visit them anymore. My old room has became an office and becomes my guest room but the closets and drawers are filled with my dads stuff now. I always live out of my suitcases because its not my space anymore and if I need to, I just hang my extra clothes in the corner behind his stuff. I wouldn't move it even on my longer visits even though that was my old room. Even my mom on her visits in my home since we live in an apartment for now lives out of her suitcase and partly shares with me if she has to. To avoid a mess, I move things around but that's all really all I can do. It's not even a big deal but FIL is totally making it an issue because he thinks he can.
It does show FIL has his own complexes and seems to be very unwilling to happily adjust in his sons home and is more concerned with creating trouble than being a simple guest. But op your reaction is all wrong, stop getting emotional and letting it bother you.
Kyun bechari k dukhon main izaafa karna chatay ho? FIL will then tell everyone back home that OP ko theek se chai nahi banaa sakti, khaana to door ki baata hai.
1) Not an issue.
2) Not an issue
3) Not an issue
4) Not an issue
5) Not an issue
6) Not an issue
7) Now that is an issue you should talk about with your husband.
8) Stop making non-issues issues & there will be no fights between you two.
9) Not an issue.
How about you just stop making tinsy winsy things an issue & everything will be fine….
What you ladies are chaein chabeely nazuk kuriya who gets into depression when someone tries to suggest you something?..... I mean seriously you are getting depressed for small things…......this got me wondering didn’t your mothers/parents rokoo tokoo you in anything or give you suggestions on anything or according to you walaiti kuriya this comes under privacy intrusion category too ? …….
When you ladies don’t have an issue you create some? …. Why ??? ……
Wait …. Aren’t you that lady who wanted to make his FIL’s visit short? ….. the thing is you don’t like your FIL…. You don’t like his presence …. You don’t want him around you hence you are thinking this way ….. how about taking things positively? …… aap ke dekhne ka nazariya galat he …..
From what I understand, FIL is a longish term guest, not like he’s home for 2 days and OP and hubby wanted to leave him out of their plans even within those 2 days. As long as OP made sure he had a decent dinner at home, I don’t see why FIL has to be dragged along everywhere.
