Is this Abuse or not?

[_Passionate]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

@Khumar

Just because she had a spat with him, doesnt mean that she has any real excuse to pack up her bags and make a big show of leaving. And thats what it all was IMO. A big show. She wanted to show to her husband that she`s as angry as him. No where did in her first post show that the argument was volatile. It was only after her actions that things took a turn for the worst. She could have acted in a much more mature, and dare I say, less Pakistani drama way, and just have left the room or the house, for a little while, so both of them could have had a chance to cool down. There was no need to act in such a manner.

Well that's a little unfair, dont you think? OP hasn't mentioned what the original argument was about, so you and I cannot judge if packing her bags was the right thing to do or was it all just for show.

Paki2be - If you were planning on leaving the house, I fail to understand WHY you would get in his way when he started throwing things around? Did you think you could restrain an enraged man all by yourself without getting hurt?

Another thing that really concerns me is that you mentioned that he has a bad temper and usually throws things when he is angry. THAT is not normal behavior. If he wanted to stop you from leaving, he should've used his words to convey that message and not act like a toddler and throw a temper tantrum about it! He may not be physically abusive but are you okay with being in a relationship where instead of having a civilized argument with your husband, he throws things around like a barbarian? The sad truth of the matter is that eventually throwing inanimate objects around is not going to be satisfying enough for him and you will become the thing that gets thrown around. And your reaction that you mentioned goes to show that you are completely incapable of dealing with an angry human being as it is.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

Once again, I am not saying that removing yourself from a volatile situation is a bad idea. And I am not saying that going to maika for a few days to cool off is a bad thing either. What I'm saying and what you aren't understanding, is that she did not need to make a big show in this situation. What she couldn't buy herself a new sleeping suit at her parents house? Or her parents wouldn't have bought her new toothbrush in this situation? I highly doubt that would ever happen. I am not completely blaming the girl. Far from it. I am saying that she is also to blame, lest she considers herself the innocent in this situation.

I still fail to understand where the big show is. This isn't some drama theater. It was merely her home. There was no show. Actually, there was a show. It started when her husband started throwing her stuff around. Why would he even think to do such a thing? Now, if I try to understand his psychology, then my head will start to spin. A grown man throwing a temper tantrum. Nothing more dangerous than that.

There was a packing of bags. That's not a show. That's not even verbally saying anything. It's just getting the heck out of there for a few days. Wouldn't it make sense to just pack your things, rather then go to your parents house and ask for a toothbrush? She's got every right in the world to do that. However, he's got no right to be throwing around her stuff. That's just very weird behavior. From her short description, the only blame I see it on the part of the husband. He created more tension and anxiety by acting like a madman. I'm sorry, but it's very difficult to understand how she is at fault here. Rather, I think she did everything correctly. I'd rather my daughter or granddaughter leave the house than stick around for a second act of the very same show.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

[QUOTE]
What you did was extremely dumb!!!!
[/QUOTE]

So, what the husband did was indeed very smart. Perhaps, you and I should send him a gold medal for his behavior.

[QUOTE]
Give the man little space. He is not your little brother you could go toe to toe with him till you win the fight!!
You cant!!!
[/QUOTE]

Yes, he is her brother. Her three year old brother. Often, toddlers have difficulty getting away with tantrums. However, we're ready to excuse a grown man. I foresee great things in our future.

[QUOTE]
The way you made him angry and then put your self in his way or try force him physically was extremely dumb!!! I wish I could emphasis more.
[/QUOTE]

Oh, you've emphasized enough. Please spare us.

[QUOTE]
If you keep doing it sooner or later it wont be weather you or us think its an abuse, it WILL be abuse.
And it will be you who drive the situation there.
[/QUOTE]

Blaming and threatening the victim of the abuse. That train is never late.

[QUOTE]
Mere fact that you were comfortable wrestling with him when he mad as hell, tell that he is not ABUSIVE at all.
It shows your level of comfort with him.
Now give the man some space. Before he gives you space..
[/QUOTE]

Preventing someone from ruining your belongings, often requires the need for a level of comfort. I am very interested in seeing that research.

Now, I suggest you reread the OP's initial post. Here, I'll help you out. The whole point of this was to leave the house. She was trying to give **herself **some space, and so there was no fear of him giving her space.

Let it sink in.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

[QUOTE]
Paki2be - If you were planning on leaving the house, I fail to understand WHY you would get in his way when he started throwing things around? Did you think you could restrain an enraged man all by yourself without getting hurt?
[/QUOTE]

I'm assuming she just wanted to salvage some of her stuff, and didn't really think it through. I agree that it wasn't a smart thing to do, but that's something she should remember for next time (given that it happens again).

Your stuff isn't as important as your life and well-being. I know it may even be expensive stuff, but just leave it. Just get yourself out of the situation as fast as you can. It isn't worth it.

[Monk]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

So, what the husband did was indeed very smart. Perhaps, you and I should send him a gold medal for his behavior.

Yes, he is her brother. Her three year old brother. Often, toddlers have difficulty getting away with tantrums. However, we're ready to excuse a grown man. I foresee great things in our future.

Oh, you've emphasized enough. Please spare us.

Blaming and threatening the victim of the abuse. That train is never late.

Preventing someone from ruining your belongings, often requires the need for a level of comfort. I am very interested in seeing that research.

Now, I suggest you reread the OP's initial post. Here, I'll help you out. The whole point of this was to leave the house. She was trying to give **herself **some space, and so there was no fear of him giving her space.

Let it sink in.

And you.
You need to consider a career in divorce law + settlements.

[Umer]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

This is one of the problems with society today:

Every minor tussle gets blown up into an "abuse case". Not only is that counterproductive, it also makes it hard for real abuse victims (and there are lots of them unfortunately) to be taken seriously.

[paki2be]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

thanks for responses. unfortunately there is no need for further responses unless you all want to keep discussing it just for a debate.. i think i’ll be getting a divorce so

[Muzna]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

@paki2be

thanks for responses. unfortunately there is no need for further responses unless you all want to keep discussing it just for a debate.. i think i’ll be getting a divorce so

have you considered counselling?
mediation with a religious figure?

[Monk]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

chalo paki aap ki tassali ho jay gi abb
hazaroon bhi aaram sy so sakeen gi abb...

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

This is one of the problems with society today:Every minor tussle gets blown up into an "abuse case". Not only is that counterproductive, it also makes it hard for real abuse victims (and there are lots of them unfortunately) to be taken seriously.

Yes, and unfortunately, we ignore the signs of abuse when they first happen. Then, things escalate, and we wonder to ourselves as to how it all could have been prevented. We don't take the potential victim seriously enough. Our community is not proactive enough from what I have observed.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

And you. You need to consider a career in divorce law + settlements.

Nah, but thanks for the suggestion.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

@paki2be

thanks for responses. unfortunately there is no need for further responses unless you all want to keep discussing it just for a debate.. i think i’ll be getting a divorce so

I don’t think anyone here suggested divorce. Personally, I suggested an intervention of some sort. From the looks of your post, your husband has never laid a hand on you. Unless you’re not being completely honest with us (there are other issues you have with him), I don’t understand how you can abandon someone who clearly needs YOUR help. He needs you to go to marriage counseling with him. He needs YOU to get past his anger, and he needs your support as his wife.

You are not to blame for his anger issues, but you made a sacred pact with this man. He’s your husband. Have you even tried to work on this with him—seeking professional help?

As per the Quran, divorce isn’t to be taken so lightly. So, I would take some time off, and consider your options very carefully.

[Monk]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

I don't think anyone here suggested divorce. Personally, I suggested an intervention of some sort. From the looks of your post, your husband has never laid a hand on you. Unless you're not being completely honest with us (there are other issues you have with him), I don't understand how you can abandon someone who clearly needs YOUR help. He needs you to go to marriage counseling with him. He needs YOU to get past his anger, and he needs your support as his wife.

You are not to blame for his anger issues, but you made a sacred pact with this man. He's your husband. Have you even tried to work on this with him---seeking professional help?

As per the Quran, divorce isn't to be taken so lightly. So, I would take some time off, and consider your options very carefully.

one control freak.

Any ways its not surprising result after seeing at what point you and your twin sister paki wants balance things. Where you want to hold thing while they are being shaped according to your wishes.
She was waling on the rope.
no, rope on fire.
no, rope on fire over niaga fall.

And you were cheering her.

[Sara516]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

@paki2be

thanks for responses. unfortunately there is no need for further responses unless you all want to keep discussing it just for a debate.. i think i’ll be getting a divorce so

I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’ve thought this through. I know there may be much more to your married life than what you’ve shared here and are comfortable sharing… good luck.

@hazaronkhwahishen

I don’t think anyone here suggested divorce. Personally, I suggested an intervention of some sort. From the looks of your post, your husband has never laid a hand on you. Unless you’re not being completely honest with us (there are other issues you have with him), I don’t understand how you can abandon someone who clearly needs YOUR help. He needs you to go to marriage counseling with him. He needs YOU to get past his anger, and he needs your support as his wife.

Perhaps there is much more to their married life than what’s been shared here and that’s what the OP has decided on, without help from us.

Also, it’s not being dishonest if she hasn’t shared all of it, and you don’t know if they have undergone counselling or not. Not every person who goes for divorce makes the decision out of nowhere, 99% of the time, they have undergone counseling or other options.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

one control freak.

Any ways its not surprising result after seeing at what point you and your twin sister paki wants balance things. Where you want to hold thing while they are being shaped according to your wishes. She was waling on the rope. no, rope on fire. no, rope on fire over niaga fall.

And you were cheering her.

Dear Monk,

I have no idea what you just said. When you decide to get your thoughts together, then please do reply again. Until then, all the best to you.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you've thought this through. I know there may be much more to your married life than what you've shared here and are comfortable sharing..... good luck.

Perhaps there is much more to their married life than what's been shared here and that's what the OP has decided on, without help from us.

Also, it's not being dishonest if she hasn't shared all of it, and you don't know if they have undergone counselling or not. Not every person who goes for divorce makes the decision out of nowhere, 99% of the time, they have undergone counseling or other options.

You're right, Sara. It's not dishonesty. I suppose it's just withholding certain details for reasons I am unaware of. I just tried to give her the best advice I could, given the details provided. I don't want her to become a victim of physical abuse. Other than that, I'm purely speculating, but I would refrain from calling it a drama or show as some members have. I can't help but defend her against slander, because I want to give her the benefit of the doubt in accordance to the information that she's provided us with.

She's an example of the kind of women I deal with quite often, and I see some real issues in regard to this in our community. Of course, it happens in all communities, but I see a certain backlash against the victim in our community that I find especially disturbing.

Now, I don't know if she's undergone any marriage counseling or not, but since I don't know, I'm just going to throw it out there as a suggestion. I sincerely hope she's taken the time to think this through, as many young girls these days, don't understand that there's help out there if they need it. Going to an imam or religious figure is fine, but there are also some great counselors that conduct their work on a more secular level. They can tailor their services to our needs and interests.

Anyway, I'm just trying to help out...

[Monk]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

Dear Monk,

I have no idea what you just said. When you decide to get your thoughts together, then please do reply again. Until then, all the best to you.

I suggest you see some one before getting married. No kidding.

[hazaronkhwahishen]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

I suggest you see some one before getting married. No kidding.

Thanks, I am happily married to MashAllah a wonderful man.

[Monk]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

yeah only wonderful men put up with control freaks.

[Paheli00]

Re: Is this Abuse or not?

[note] Please keep the discussion limited to the topic in this thread. [/note]