is there any space for reconciliation here?

Lifestyle Relationships
101

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

It doesn't seem like the OP's family wanted divorce. The couple doesn't seem interested in reconciliation. What other choice is there?

102

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

Grateful, Islamically anything other the haq mehr should not exist so she is not entitled to those gifts any more than the husband is entitled to the jahaiz she bought along with her.

And if you want to go further, many scholars say that there is no such thing as deferred haq mehr. It has to be given at the time of nikkah and within what the groom can afford. If we all followed this, I can guarantee you, many marriages would not take place.

103

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

am actually really sorry to hear the turmoil you and your family is going through.! i never knew that the girl's side could be such a pain in the neck ...and the fact that they are highly qualified doctors is a sad thing. was this family your acquaintance or you people are related.

whatever happened would IA be a blessing in disguise for all of you. I hope things work out for your brother too InshaAllah! is your brother a doctor too btw?

what surprises me the most is that divorce is always the bigger stigma for the girl ---and am actually stunned at the girls' parents efforts to break their daughter's own home !

104

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

I totally agree with what you said but we will only ever hear one side. And she has already left him and taken all her things as well!!

105

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

at first i was inclined to believe that there must be something more to the whole story ..one side's account doesnt justify..but it's apparent that the neither party and esp the girl's party want to reconcile at ALL .. so there's no point in blaming the OP...and normally no matter how bad things are ...it's seldomly seen that couples get divorced right after 3 months ! it's really sad..there could be some other reason from the girls side too ..but so far my sympathies are with the grooms parents ,he himself and the entire family !

106

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

Do you want to know who the main culprit is in all of this? Sadly the girl’s Father.

He has such a shocking and authoritative influence on his daughter. It’s deplorable how much she idolizes her father and believes his word to be the final word! She had no right to go to her Father disclosing her private matters regarding her Husband to him! Her husband has greater rights over her including that she protects his honour and dignity especially in front of others. Except sadly she seems immature and wasn’t educated by her parents about her responsibilities after marriage or even basic manners including not to belittle or backbite about others esp' your husband! Her Dad is too interfering and controlling and has no right to interfere in her marriage or in anyone's personal lives.

How disgustingly humiliating to give lists to your Dad demanding to return the bari and for her family members to come and take her things back! Materialistic things have more importance to her and her family over her marriage. They shouldn't have been allowed into your home the first time they came to collect her things! How degrading and embarrassing.

It hasn’t been four months yet and already so much has happened. So so sad to hear all this. I am so sorry to hear all that your brother has been put through and your family too. Your brother deserves so much better. I can’t blame him for giving up on her…he’s probably hurting having lost all faith and trust in her. Who can blame him?

I don’t think it’s a bad decision to let go of her. Of course its not good to divorce...but sometimes it can be for the best. Sadly it looks like her family has already made this decision anyway.

Hope things work out for your brother and that he is finds his happiness one day. Inshallah.

107

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

umm…so do we have competition to Mama’s boys now?? :hmmm:

108

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

daddy’s little girls are just as bad

109

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

I was being honest. I did enjoy the threads, they were very interesting. And i am sure they were for a lot of people, that why it has received so many replies.

110

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

you are right Iyla. I actually think there was no use of any settlements unless they know what created the whole mess. it was useless discussing stuff and bringing her back home when she continued doing the same mistake repeatedly.This attitude is never going to let her settle down in life , no matter how many times she gets married !!

Iconoclast, I am sure you are looking for more fun. jub insaan kay paas bahut zyada faaltu time hota hai tau aisay hee hota hai. Please find your 'enjoyment' in other threads and sections. I am sure you will regret wasting your time here looking for fun when you find plenty of it elsewhere.

111

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

Multinicked...for some people such as Iconoclast ...even Ramzan doesn't tame the bad attitude. It seems that you've found some sense of closure about the matter...and with time...your brother will move ib from this. It's better for things to end now than much later when kids are involved.

112

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

wow.. it took me an hour to get through all 3 threads but nonetheless I made it..

multinicked Im soo sorry for the pain your family has had to go through - I hope that whatever decision is made is for the best. Time heals all wounds and even though divorce is a hard thing to go through, it seems like staying with someone who can't give you a little bit of respect and communicate humanly is worthless.

113

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

From reading all three threads, it appears that the couple is very immature and that the families being involved is not really helping anyone - it's a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth. It also appears that the couple may want different things entirely from their lives and they don't understand each other at all and there's poor communication between them.

Rather than finding fault with your bhabhi multinick it appears you should be using your energies elsewhere. Perhaps the couple is just ill suited and want completely different things in life - it doesn't mean that there should be name calling and a blame game going on. In fact if that is the case, they should be trying to talk to each other about what's important to them in life, in a marriage and in a spouse. If they know this, it will be easier for them to decipher each other's actions and make sense of them also.

In an arranged marriage setting and otherwise (before and after marriage), communicating what you want out of life, how you prefer to live it, your expectations of your spouse and of the marriage - it's important to discusss all these things. No assumptions can be be made that a person will be a certain way, act in such a way or think in a certain way just because of social standing / material wealth / educational or family background.

Also, marriage needs emotional maturity as you have to learn to put another person's desires / wants / wishes before your own. Not always certainly but whenever circumstances arise. Marriage needs a lot of compromise, compassion and understanding. And you can do this if you forget about your ego and make your relationship and spouse more important. And these days it's not only women who need to do this but men also as times have changed and there's more quality between the sexes than there was and women have more options now than they used to.

It doesn't appear to me that the families are showing maturity in the situation either, as they seemed to be hindering rather than helping.

Have said all that - it might be that things have come to a point of no going back in this relationship. Perhaps at this point they can't forgive each other for what has happened and been said. If that's the case it might be better to part ways and really only the couple themselves can make that call.

114

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

Grateful, I couldn't have put it better myself.

That's the reason why I made the suggestion to bring a couple of community elders to try and resolve the situation because everyone involved in it at the moment are going to be biased. I got slated for my advice, everyone here is calling for divorce and we don't even know the full story.

115

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

There isnt much fun in other forums.

116

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

^ right !! :halo: more ‘fun’ for you Iconoclast:

her mom called up my sister’s MIL last week after getting her number from some common relative (she actually told her she found that relative hugging my sister’s SIL at the wedding in the movie and she contacted that relative now and took a route via her SIL :-/ ) and lied and talked all crap about how my mom never let my brother sleep in his room and how my sister abuses her mil and how my sister financially supports my mom with money stolen from their home and what not ! there were few issues at my sister’s place during last three moths and my bhabi knew a part of those and her mom exaggerated things about that and told her MIL. So my sister had been facing fights and problems in her home since a week after the call and later they tried contacting my BIL as well but he never picked the phone. then they texted him inviting them to their place so they can tell them ‘more’ about my family to them.

My sister never told us about it until this morning when I insisted her to talk to mom,which she did and mom cleared it out with her MIL that they are separated and playing dirty games (we had not told anyone so far) and things are fine with my sister Alhamdulillah.
Mom called bhabi’s dad and told to hold his wife’s tongue and acts because she is creating problems by making false stories and he plainly said ‘yeh tau hoga. hamari beti badnaam hogi iss sub kay baad lekin hum apko bhi zaleel karayngay. aap bhi jo ho sakta hai karayn aur humayn zaleel karayn. yeh issue araam se nahin khatam hoga’ and my mom explained that sub se zyada badnaami apki beti ki hogi and humayn koi zaroorat nahin usko zaleel karnay ki,etc but he kept saying we dont care about anything. you can go ahead with whatever you want ! and we were all shocked how jaahil and bay-ghairat can someone be !!

anyways , my brother is all set for divorce asap to get rid of such dirty people. Even I had to tell details about it to my MIL so she should know if they contact her as well. We have all their relatives’ contact numbers and my sister even told mom to call them but my mom totally refused by typical statement ‘kisi ki beti ka muaamla hai..mainay aisay nahin karna..woh tau bewaqoof hain’ :smack:

SO we need help here:

My mom contacted a professional family court lawyer last week and he told to try doing out of court settlement because you wont be able to bear all the ‘dirty’ questions my brother and his ex-wife will have to face in the court about their marriage plus it is lots of BS actually (I know it shouldnt be but yeh pakistan hai !!! :bummer: ) and my mom even talked to her dad about it today keh next kya karna hai and he said abhi tau hum ne apko lambaa zaleel karna hai !! so they do have intentions to drag it long and make it even more ugly. Does anyone know how things proceed in case of divorce ?

I read about it online:

a divorcing husband shall, as soon as possible after talaq has been pronounced, in whatever form, give a notice in writing to the chairman of the Union Council. The chairman must then supply a copy of the notice of talaq to the wife. Non-compliance is punishable by imprisonment and/or a fine. Within thirty days of receipt of the notice of talaq, the chairman must constitute an Arbitration Council in order to take steps to bring about a reconciliation between the husband and the wife. If and when such attempts to negotiate a reconciliation fail, a talaq that is not revoked in the meantime, either expressly or implicitly, takes effect after the expiry of ninety days from the day on which the notice of repudiation was first delivered to the chairman.

http://www.tahseenbutt.com/divorce_lawyers_pakistan.html

So it will be another 90 days dealing with them and facing more problems like today’s AFTER it is filed. Is there a shorter way to end it up ? we cannot take it anymore now :frowning: we will be looking up for a lawyer soon too but I just wanted to see if anyone here can briefly let us know ?

117

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

multinick, if you have cleared things with your in-laws & your sister's in-laws, what else do you need to worry about? what is the maximum they can do?

why are you guys behaving like your family is the girl's family in this relationship? why so scared?

all this 'zaleel kerna' etc. is such a dirty game, either inside or outside of court, and its best to avoid, but buddy, when push comes to shove then 'sometimes' you have to reply in kind. as a last resort only.

i know of such a case with the girl's family jumping up & down just like in this case, and the guy's family, after bearing for a while, and trying to hush everything down, slapped the girl with a Rs. 50 million lawsuit. that shut the girl's family up well, with plenty of sleepless nights. after a couple of years, the two families finally settled outside of the court.

when you are dealing with people like you brother's in-laws, you have to play tough. carefully.

118

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

you're right but my mom thinks we shouldnt stoop to their level no matter what and that's why we are looking for a quickest way to end it up before we get to see even more ugliest of them. They have no sense what they say 'badnaam aur zaleel hoangay tau koi baat nahin' .. do they think they can face the 'badnaami' if my brother says anything about her character and makes that a basis of divorce ? or maybe they know that because we have never reciprocated to anything they did rudely, we wont do anything else either and are just trying to provoke us ? pata nahin !! My mom is now even scared of them harming my brother physically now..they have no limits at all and Pakistan may kuch bhi ho sakta hai :-/

119

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

are they like a badmaash family, with connections with the higher ups in police / government? that's the only thing that would make me worried.

120

Re: is there any space for reconciliation here?

,