(I know this is getting boring and I and my family are fed up as well)
Bhabi called her dad up yesterday and he came home and told my brother he is taking her back home for few days (no reason) and my brother said OK ( he thought it was a regular visit) .she went packing and called him up to their bedroom and said she has no peace of mind since they got married and she wants time to think about it and to DECIDE what to do next. my brother told in that case she should stay back here and discuss what is disturbing her but she insisted and yelled she has to go. My brother kept requesting but she didnt listen to anything and this annoyed him to a point where he said ’ meri taraf se 5 din baad aana ya 5 saal baad..you are going without me wanting you to go and without discussing it..I am NOT going to come to call you back if you leave’ and she still went to her dad and told this to him. her dad called up my husband that he is taking her back home and there is no space for any talks now. We rushed to mom’s place and tried talking and discussing that whenthey have unidentified problems with the husband, and he needs to tak to her about htem, why is the dad hell bent to take her home ? the discussions went to the point of begging but he kept saying ’ abb chaar loagoan kay saamnay baat hogi’. We made him clear that this is not really justified that she has to tell her dad and go back home on anything that annoys her instead of discussing with my mom or my brother and he is not answerable to her dad about stupid things like why he didnt take her out for a dinner or movie when she wanted to and took her the next day instead,etc and why was his mood off with her on a CERTAIN DATE (yes he DID ask my brother about it) etc.. and if they consider this a normal thing as per their family traditions, ours are totally different and we consider it really serious if aa girl has to go back every other month with a list of stupid complaints and wants the guy’s family to go,apologise and bring her back.
My brother made it really clear to her in private and to her dad that no one will go to their place if she leaves without discussing stuff that has bothered her to this extent but they didnt pay a heed. finally at 1am we all were exhausted and her dad said ‘she is at verge of a nervous breakdown,I dont feel it is SAFE for her to stay here so I am taking her with me.yeh dono 2,4,6 months soch layn ya karna hai, phir aa kay lay jana isko’ and AGAIN my brother said apki marzi hai lekin yeh apni marzi se jaa rahi hai tau apni he marzi se ayegi, koi lainay ya bulaanay nahin jayega’. and they left !
Now my brother is really upset and he already told mom this morning that he finds NO point in continuing any relation with her because he doesnt want to bring her back and get into the same situation 2 weeks later where he has to be confronted directly by her dad instead of her talking out of anything bothering her. He has tried talking to her earlier and she tells him she is happy and all and every other week her dad comes up saying she is not happy and blames my family for it.
Divorce has never been a route in our family so far in generations. My mom is still advising my brother to give her a chance but he says he is totally disappointed because she lied about many things to her dad ( I am not putting up details but they are things like what she said to him and when asked infront of everyone, she kept denying and my brother left the room saying that he doesnt know how to deal with a liar so better ask her yourself what does she want) and there has been no sign that things will ever improve.
It has been only 14 weeks since they got married exactly and this is the third time she went back home and her family always encourages her for that and never listen to anything from our side during the discussions. Is there any point in trying for a reconciliation ?
Sorry to hear what your family has had to go through.
After reading your posts, I got the feeling that your bhabhi was simply not prepared for marriage. She lived like a princess at her parents' place and expected the same at her in-laws' - I don't think she understood the responsibilities and "growing up" that comes with marriage.
Having said that I think she and your brother need to have a discussion on what happens next - this should be between husband and wife only and neither your parents nor her parents should get involved. They need to firstly talk about whether their relationship can be salvaged, and more importantly if they are interested in doing so. If they want to give their marriage another shot, the next step would be to address each others' grievances and see what (if any) changes can be made. It may be a good idea for them to live separately, away from either set of parents for a while - that way they will have to shoulder their own responsibility. It may also help them come closer to each other.
If they agree that things have gone too sour, then separation or divorce seems to be the only option. I know it is hard, but it is better to sever ties than be miserable all your life. This way at least your brother has a chance of meeting someone else who can keep him happy. One of my friend's brother went through a similar situation -in the end he got a divorce, but he married again and now has a son from his second marriage - he does not regret his divorce one bit.
I think the couple themselves need to figure this one out alone with no one around them. If her family agrees to it, you guys should try to let them live alone to sort this out.
If that is not possible then it may be that the girl and her family are not interested in continuing this marriage.
PHEW!!! I got through it ALL....YAAAY....I deserve a medal!!
Back to the OP - the situation seems to be quite fragile, and it seems to have been for a very long time. It's quite clear your SIL is unhappy for whatever reason and so is your brother, and both sides of the family.
From what I have read, you have tried talking to her but to no avail, and so has your brother. Maybe she is just attention seeking? Idk, but really, what is the point in staying in a relationship which doesn't seem like it is going anywhere and both parties seem overly upset to the point that they don't seem to want to live together anymore. I know divorce is an aggressive step, but it can be used as a last resort - this may be the best step.
However, I know people overreact sometimes, and given time they come to their senses and realise how stupid they were. Time is a healer in itself, and I do think both should be given time to contemplate on what has happened and where there may have been shortcomings from both of them. After this, if there is a chance to sort things out, then it should be sorted out, if not, then divorce is really the only other option left.
Wait so your very first thread regarding this matter, they were freshly minted then? Its hard to say, the wife could have noticed the constant chatter regarding her from day one (albeit her actions have been questionable, as per you) and finds herself cornered and thus seeks her fathers support.
I also dont think she was forced into this marriage because her father seems supportive of her so if this was a forced marriage then he would be pushing her to resolve these issues and not allow her to return back to him whenever she wishes.
Shes's also not interested in resolving any of this or you havent mentioned any cooperation from her or her concerns so its hard to understand why she gets ticked each time.
There's no logical explanation for her behaviour aside from her reluctance towards her marriage. Does she want divorce? Has she talked about the D word? She's never mentioned her concerns, expectations?
Unless she speaks up we will never know what she wants, and if she and her family are not bothered by making this marriage work then he has to let her go.
She is liar , she is drama queen , she goes home for unspecified reasons , that is behavior of a child not a grownup married woman. How is she ?
Now my brother is really upset and he already told mom this morning that he finds NO point in continuing any relation with her because he doesnt want to bring her back and get into the same situation 2 weeks later where he has to be confronted directly by her dad instead of her talking out of anything bothering her. He has tried talking to her earlier and she tells him she is happy and all and every other week her dad comes up saying she is not happy and blames my family for it.
^The above attitude is not going to help the situation.
Multinicked, I agree with you that your bhabi needs to have the maturity to discuss situations with her husband (your brother) before running off and complaining to her parents. She also needs to understand that her behavior embarrasses her partner....and results in a marriage with a lack of privacy....that can hurt it. LEKIN.....if your bother also firmly decides that he's not going to pick her up......which is an ego issue........then they both are just going to stay in separate houses and this whole mess will not be solved. You can defend your brother all you want.........and I agree that your bhabi was wrong.........but if this marriage is going to work, then SOMEONE has to be the BIGGER/MORE MATURE person and drop the ego. It has become an "ana ka masla" for your brother to say "woh pehl karay gi...main nahin karoon ga"....nothing will be solved.
1) A relationship takes the mutual efforts of both people. Your bhabi made some mistakes....but who knows....maybe your brother might have unknowingly made some mistakes as well. Agar tum baar baar apnay bhai se kaho gi ke bhabi ne ghalat kiya hai, bhabi ne ghalat kiya, bhabi doesn't respect you.................then you're going to fuel the negativity and turn him more firmly against her. You are his sister....your words have do have some affect. What I'm trying to say is that.....everyone knows k bhabi did the wrong thing.....baat khatam. Don't keep repeating this.......and instead have a discussion to calm your brother down and find ways to FIX this problems and prevent it from reaching the divorce stage.
2) Here's a possible idea: Your brother can (after some time) go to bhabi's home.........ONLY TO DISCUSS THE MATTER. And he should calmly discuss the problems in private with his wife (without involving her parents). He needs to listen to her concerns, and talk about his issues. HE should tell her that it is embarrassing for him to be questioned by her dad for every little thing and that it's breaking the trust in the marriage. If bhabi's parents get involved.........then I suggest that he talk to her father in private.....without the crying/emotional drama of bhabi influencing her father. Talk to her father in private...if he gets invovled. And your brother can let her father know (calmly) that he doesn't appreciate being questioned for everything.
^Then your brother can say that "My purpose was to discuss our issues.....which is what I feel should have been before hand. I've had the discussion, I've done my part. When you (as in bhabi) feel that you are ready to come back home..........then give me a call and I'll pick you up.
****Maybe the idea of bhabi being the FIRST to call......might make your brother feel better about picking her up. Her making the phone call would show her willingness to come back....and would perhaps appease his feelings.
During the discussion....your brother can be honest and tell her (and even her father, if need be) that he feels frustrated as well....and that they should think about the pros and cons of all situations.....living together and a separation. The mentione of a separation could scare them enough to think about their own actions. Just discuss the matter.....give her time to think....and tell her to call if she wants to come back.
agreed! the voice of wisdom as always... OP this might be one of the better suggestions you have received thusfar
^The above attitude is not going to help the situation.
Multinicked, I agree with you that your bhabi needs to have the maturity to discuss situations with her husband (your brother) before running off and complaining to her parents. She also needs to understand that her behavior embarrasses her partner....and results in a marriage with a lack of privacy....that can hurt it. LEKIN.....if your bother also firmly decides that he's not going to pick her up......which is an ego issue........then they both are just going to stay in separate houses and this whole mess will not be solved. You can defend your brother all you want.........and I agree that your bhabi was wrong.........but if this marriage is going to work, then SOMEONE has to be the BIGGER/MORE MATURE person and drop the ego. It has become an "ana ka masla" for your brother to say "woh pehl karay gi...main nahin karoon ga"....nothing will be solved.
1) A relationship takes the mutual efforts of both people. Your bhabi made some mistakes....but who knows....maybe your brother might have unknowingly made some mistakes as well. Agar tum baar baar apnay bhai se kaho gi ke bhabi ne ghalat kiya hai, bhabi ne ghalat kiya, bhabi doesn't respect you.................then you're going to fuel the negativity and turn him more firmly against her. You are his sister....your words have do have some affect. What I'm trying to say is that.....everyone knows k bhabi did the wrong thing.....baat khatam. Don't keep repeating this.......and instead have a discussion to calm your brother down and find ways to FIX this problems and prevent it from reaching the divorce stage.
2) Here's a possible idea: Your brother can (after some time) go to bhabi's home.........ONLY TO DISCUSS THE MATTER. And he should calmly discuss the problems in private with his wife (without involving her parents). He needs to listen to her concerns, and talk about his issues. HE should tell her that it is embarrassing for him to be questioned by her dad for every little thing and that it's breaking the trust in the marriage. If bhabi's parents get involved.........then I suggest that he talk to her father in private.....without the crying/emotional drama of bhabi influencing her father. Talk to her father in private...if he gets invovled. And your brother can let her father know (calmly) that he doesn't appreciate being questioned for everything.
^Then your brother can say that "My purpose was to discuss our issues.....which is what I feel should have been before hand. I've had the discussion, I've done my part. When you (as in bhabi) feel that you are ready to come back home..........then give me a call and I'll pick you up.
****Maybe the idea of bhabi being the FIRST to call......might make your brother feel better about picking her up. Her making the phone call would show her willingness to come back....and would perhaps appease his feelings.
During the discussion....your brother can be honest and tell her (and even her father, if need be) that he feels frustrated as well....and that they should think about the pros and cons of all situations.....living together and a separation. The mentione of a separation could scare them enough to think about their own actions. Just discuss the matter.....give her time to think....and tell her to call if she wants to come back.
thank you everyone for your time. I really appreciate it.
Mirch: she is 26 years old. not too young to be this immature, haina ?
We (me/mom) have hardly ever tried talking to brother negatively about her. Even he doesnt ever talk about her since few weeks now and we never know what caused their arguments that ended up making both of them upset. When her dad asked my brother about 4-5 specific situations like why didnt you take her along for grocery? why was your mood off when you came back from a wedding and you never told her about the reason?why didnt you help her opening up her dinner set? etc he got really upset that why does her dad have to know about all this and WHO is her to as for clarifications when bhabi never told my brother that she was upset at these issues ? when I asked bhabi that did you talk to your husband before ‘reporting’ to your dad she said ’ mainay TRY ki thi but mujhay laga inka mood nai hai discuss karnay ka’ .. and i was like so you decided to try publishing it in the newspaper instead ?
about daal may kala, I just dont want to think about it because when we did istakhara for this proposal, my mother’s and sister’s came out positive but my husband who seeks help about istakhara from one of his friends told that his friend didnt recommend going ahead with the rishta. He told that he saw in the dream that we went ahead with the wedding and then we are very upset because of her mobile phone and later we come to know she was forced into this marriage when she was interested somewhere else. (these were his exact words) My husband tried convincing mom not to go ahead (we didnt disclose to mom about the exact dream) but mom thought his friend is not related to any of us an we already had istakhara done which seemed positive. Now I feel he was right..first issue we had was about her constant texts and calls to her mother where her mother sent her bad msgs about my mom,etc and now we are witnessing she has never shown any interest in trying to work things out but STILL i dont want to think on this aspect unless I am sure or have proofs.
reha, I too think they need to try to give it a chance. My mom is already leaving to join dad in a week. Like i said earlier,we too thought that we should try to let them live alone and all when my mom tried shifting them at the upper storey but my brother didnt want to leave mom alone. And mom thought since she has this choice, she can go back to dad but all this mess came up even before she left. If bhabi had any hesitation trying to work it out , she knew mom was leaving and could have waited for another week ?
anyways, I will try talking to my brother again. he keeps saying KOI FAIDA NAHIN HOGA whenever we try talking.
Here we go again with the whole istikhara and dream thing
It’s not a requirement to see a dream when you perform Istikhara. And when you get so many people invovle in doing istikhara for you and each one is going by the dream they see…that CAN be confusing. There’s nothing wrong with the person who is facing a decision to perform the istikhara by themelves…you need not be a pious saint to perform it. Khair that’s over and done with.
Your bhabi was wrong, but it’s better to avoid making sarcastic comments such as “so you decided to publish…” (no matter how justified those comments may be) because it can really make things worse. Asking her why she didn’t do this or that may not be the best idea either. It’s tough…but give them both space to figure things out…to reflect over their relationship. Maybe when your brother calms down he can visit his wife and discuss things with her…and discuss the option of either making the marriage work or separating. And he can tell her that she can call when and if she’s ready to come back. It’s easier said than done…but try to focus on the present issues and not dredge up past offenses.
It is entirely possible your brother bears some responsibility. He may be presenting himself as innocent - but who knows what transpired between the two of them. From your posts, one thing is clear - that house is a hostile environment for your Bhabi. She feels one against many. So back off a bit.
reha: about istakhara, I already told we didnt even discuss it completely with mom. she told my husband to see if someone can help and my husband told her the interpretation of that friend but still we didnt take it seriously anyways. I obviously didnt say that ‘publish’ thing to her..i wrote i 'was like … ’ I didnt think loud I knew we were trying to calm things down so they didnt blow up everything and I didnt say anything that could add to the fire, despite the fact that her dad kept saying that he thinks my brother is immature and he thinks he was forced into this marriage and he is mentally unstable and my mom had psychological issues and what not. I didnt even tell my family what bakwaas he kept saying in his anger because my husband was out to talk to mom and bhai and I was sitting with them.
southie, like i told my brother doesnt talk about her or tell us how he is innocent. i never said he was one. I just told what we all witnessed over last couple of months. and I dont know what do you mean by hostile environment .. she has just herself to look after. my mom looks after all the cooking,cleaning,laundry for everyone including my brother’s and even for bhabi. bhabi wakes up at 7, makes her breakfast,(not even her husband’s), leaves for her work, comes back at 2, sleeps until 6 (my brother comes back at 6, have the lunch/whatever together (mom has her lunch at around 3 already) watches tv until 9 and irons her clothes and goes to bed. she has to go to her home every friday until monday morning, wednesdays is her night call at work so basically she is home monday,tuesday and thursday nights ! sundays, if she ever comes back on saturday from her home, she wakes up at 12 in the noon, they go out for lunch/dinner and watch tv for the rest of the time. I would really LOVE to live in such a ‘hostile’ environment all my life seriously ! she knows how to drive but she clearly told mom and brother that she will not go anywhere for anything because it is her husband’s duty to drive her for anything she wants. she drives to work when she is home at weekends but she decides to stay at work for hours until my brother has to go pick her up. do you see any sign of her acting like a member of family? still she has a long list of how she is not at peace here ?
if you read the first post here, can you still blame the dil being pushed to live in a hostile environment ? I am ofcourse not relating both of them. bhabi is not supporting anyone here Alhamdulillah. she told her dad is in hold of her salary for reasons they know. anyways that’s none of our business so no issues about that !
she doesnt speak up..she only tells her dad whatever she thinks and her dad comes up to ask for clarifications. when asked infront of her dad on details of any issue her dad addresses, the only answer we get is ’ I am too upset and depressed to discuss..my dad knows it all’
I knew we were trying to calm things down so they didnt blow up everything and I didnt say anything that could add to the fire, despite the fact that her dad kept saying that he thinks my brother is immature and he thinks he was forced into this marriage and he is mentally unstable and my mom had psychological issues and what not. I didnt even tell my family what bakwaas he kept saying in his anger because my husband was out to talk to mom and bhai and I was sitting with them.