OP, may I suggest something, before you finalise a divorce?
Why not get a few influential members of the family/community to mediate between the two families? You might actually find out the issues causing your SIL's behaviour through this method. Many times, people don't go for this route because they feel everyone will find out their problems, but I've seen situations where this has helped resolve issues between married couples, and their respective families.
If this fails, then you can start thinking about divorce.
The family is secondary here.....what's the point in mediating between them? .......the WIFE herself does not care about this marriage...she has made that crystal clear for quite a while. You can't force or persuade someone to care about a marriage if the "care" isn't there already. It sounds like the wife and the wife's family has already accepted the end of this marriage.
The OPs family has made multiple attempts to try to save this "marriage" and each time....they've been treated disrespectfully. For them to continue to beg the gir's family (and yes, at this point, it seems like they're begging the girl's family) to save this "marriage" just makes them look bad.
OP's family should be grateful that all this drama went on right now....and thank Allah that a child isn't in the picture. The brother is still young...he needs to end this, deal with the emotional turmoil this has caused him...and THEN focus on finding a wife who actually wants to stay married to him.
Well said Paheli, it sounds to me lik ethe girls side have made there feelings perfectly clear in that they have sent for her belongings. If she had any intention of returning, what was the rush to pick up all of her stuff. She sounds like a very stupid and immature girl with a family who are no better. It really sounds like you guys have tried to come up with a number of different solutions which they arent interested in. I would just leave her at her parents house and refuse to have any contact with her.
What if people do get involved and there is a reconciliation and 6 months later, this whole performance starts again? what if they have children and are still miserable?
I think your brother should cut his losses and move on.
Many women in Pakistan divorcing for 'fun'?? I find that hard to believe, no matter how wealthy their families might be..
**Can you give some examples? **I'm hoping you're not thinking anything short of being beaten to a pulp is something a woman should have to put up with..
RV is right.. two of my uncles' wives are divorcees so I've seen first-hand the way more blame is attached to them (one of them was previously married to a physically abusive alcoholic, the other had to put up with 'just' verbal abuse (perhaps she is one of those you would think divorced for 'fun')..
I think ti's wrong to genearlize but I do have an example. A close fam friend of ours got married to this girl that was a dr. The family got along perfectly and everything (unfortunately due to some fam situation the wedding was done pretty quickly)...the haq mehr was HUGE (per request of the girls family) and the guy's side is like okay we're izzatdaar probably not going to do anything so okay what the heck we'll write the ridic haq mehar. well...1 month into the marriage the girl started causing problems. Would go to her house for days and not contact anyone in the guys family. Her relationship with her husband was nonexistent. They asked for a divorce one month later...it turned out that her and her sister had done that before...it was some kind of weird way for them to make money or something...i still don't get it...but they would marry guys that were wealthy and then divorce them , get the haq mehar, and move on...i'm sure this is an example of someonen psychotic but...goes to show, weird things DO happen
it was some kind of weird way for them to make money or something...i still don't get it...but they would marry guys that were wealthy and then divorce them , get the haq mehar, and move on
They may as well have just been mistresses or prostitutes..
multinicked, I am so sorry that your family has had to go through this, but inshAllah you will have better things in your future. Be glad that the marriage was as short as it was and the losses are minimal.
yes sahar02, with passage of days,every move from them makes us more thankful that this came to an end.
Her dad called back my dad yesterday and said that he has asked from many people around and confirmed that all gold jewellery,bridal outfits and bari stuff is for the girl and my family should be READY to return the jewellery as well asap. Her dad even gave a written list of jewellery and bari outfits with colours and descriptions with ‘missing things’ labelled on the paper yesterday. My dad clearly told him that the gifts and jewellery are given to a bride/dil who comes to stay at ILs,make relations with them and her husband ; not for the one who steals everything 3rd day of shadi and then creates nothing but distress for the family and then leaves thrice in 3 months time and decides to end it up, so sorry you have to forget about that part ! now this reminds us how badly her father created a fuss at time of nikah and literally came to getting harsh and begging for haq mehr in lacs when we had told them in first ever meeting that we dont write mehr in big amounts (some families do,but then we had to make clear so they shouldnt proceed if this is an issue for them) and they happily said they have no issues and it is just a formality. but at nikah day they made a whole issue and my dad clearly told them not to proceed if they have a problem with this and then they settled at 25k that was paid to them already. soconfused your story just clicked me !! uff tobah..what disturbs me the most is that they are a whole family of highly educated people .. what else would one go for when choosing a match
I just need prayers that Allah helps us get out of this trouble asap. My brother was all quiet and upset since weeks and now he is getting better. after yesterday’s jewellery and bari demands from them, he got really annoyed about their ideas and said he wont divirce her now, they will file a ‘khula’ and then they will be really happy to know that the guy has vanished to another country with no contact number,etc .. phir baith kay shakal dekhayngay apni beti ki apnay ghar pe aglay 10 saal kay liay and he got a bad scold from mom and he kept saying that the deserve all this seriously !
i would suggest give them all the flipping bari and jewellery they are demanding back and let them go peacefully…
no need to be unnecessarily antagonistic, this will only prolong the process and make it uglier than it is
as for divorce versus khula..why make an issue of that too? at the end of the day the marriage is still gonna end up broken…better not to make a big deal out of whether he will file divorce or she will file khula…get it over with and move on…if she files for a khula so be it but if she asks for a divorce file for a divorce… just get it over with
none of you should let bitterness and anger take control over you it will only serve to harm you in the long run
i would suggest give them all the flipping bari and jewellery they are demanding back and let them go peacefully...
no need to be unnecessarily antagonistic, this will only prolong the process and make it uglier than it is
**
**as for divorce versus khula..why make an issue of that too? at the end of the day the marriage is still gonna end up broken...better not to make a big deal out of whether he will file divorce or she will file khula...get it over with and move on...if she files for a khula so be it but if she asks for a divorce file for a divorce... just get it over with
none of you should let bitterness and anger take control over you it will only serve to harm you in the long run
Agree with the above. Your brother and the rest of the family needs to stop reacting with your emotions and start using your brains.
This marriage is over. Period. The longer your brother CHOOSES to delay signing the final papers to end this marriage....the longer all this drama will go on. And the longer your mom/dad has to deal with this. If not for himself....your brother should at least consider the stress your parents are going through.
Your brother needs to put aside his bitterness and file for divorce asap. Actually, if you're in the U.S., look at your states requirement for an annulment. Either way, your brother needs to file the papers and get the process started asap.
IF her family insists on getting the clothes/jewelry back in order for her to sign the papers....then just give it to her. I mean...after all....what is your brother going to do with the clothing and jewelry? Give it to his next wife?
At this point.....the best is to get this marriage legally over with asap....and move on with everyone's lives.
I never said we decided to take that ugly move next. we really want to get over with them asap. bari, we know we will be giving her. jewellery, my family wont agree, neither they should .. it means anyone can go into a family , gather all the gifts, jewellery,money and decide to leave 3 months later ? doesnt make sense to me.. unless they have decided prehand or mentioned in nikah papers that jewellery is all hers no matter what !
Icoloclast: I really appreciate your time and comment and if you had fun reading, I still wont hope you ever get to deal with this load of fun in your real life IA.
I think you were just venting. I wouldn't give the jewellery either. As for the bari, to be honest, I'd give it away to those who can't afford such stuff and make some girl's wedding special.
I think you were just venting. I wouldn't give the jewellery either. As for the bari, to be honest, I'd give it away to those who can't afford such stuff and make some girl's wedding special.
I told the same to mom that it should go to edhi home instead. There is no point in feeding their never ending stupidities.
So what is the plan at this point? What actions does your brother plan on taking in order to get over with them asap?
Regarding the bari…yes, of course ideally, it should NOT be given to her. Of course, ideally, all the other suggestions (giving it some poor girl for example) is much more noble. BUT…again…putting emotions aside…I would imagine that the best thing for your family right now is to get her and her family out of your lives.
Perhaps I’m missing something but I believe the only solution at this point is to end this marriage once and for all instead of all this going back and forth (ie. file divorce and get her to sign the papers asap). Once a divorce is final…there really isn’t any reason for her or her family to contact your family…and vice versa.
As for the bari…depending on how greedy her family wants to be…in my opinion…its not worth it to drag on this nightmare b/c of ideals (ie. it’s not “right” to give her the bari back). That’s why I wrote IF she refuses to sign divorce papers unless she’s given back the bari. Again…putting aside emotions and what’s the “right” thing to do…if giving her back the material things gets her and her family out of your famiy’s life…then its worth it. As long as she remains your brother’s “wife”…all this craziness will continue.
Also, I don’t remember whether you’re in the U.S. or not…but at least in the U.S., depending on your state law and how greedy her family wants to be…she would have a right to all “gifts” given to her UNLESS there is a pre-nup that states otherwise. If you’re not in the U.S., then ignore the last sentence b/c I have no idea how it works in other countries.
this is what im saying...if u dont wanna give her anything...fine but if she makes a fuss about it and will drag out the process unless she has the "stuff" then let her "materialistic butt" have the bari and the jewels ... leave the justice to Allah .... as long as the process is being dragged on... her and her craziness are gonna be a part of ur lives... there is no need to keep her/her craziness in ur lives longer than necessary
a female who had married into our family filed for divorce in the UK and the guy in our family let her have everything she asked for ...he was quiet about it all didnt protest to anything ...when asked why he gave into even her "najayaz" demands...his answer was simple...that at least my conscience is clear that "meri taraf se koi zyadti/zulm nahin huwa...jo bhi huwa hai uski taraf se huwa hai...and i shall face Allah with a clear conscience and the same definitely cannot be said of her"
i find that to be a very healthy attitude...in more ways than one...first u will be 100% that there was no "zyadti" from ur side ...second allah does justice ... and third this person will be out of ur lives sooner rather than later
a female who had married into our family filed for divorce in the UK and the guy in our family let her have everything she asked for ...he was quiet about it all didnt protest to anything ...when asked why he gave into even her "najayaz" demands...his answer was simple...that at least my conscience is clear that "meri taraf se koi zyadti/zulm nahin huwa...jo bhi huwa hai uski taraf se huwa hai...and i shall face Allah with a clear conscience and the same definitely cannot be said of her"
i find that to be a very healthy attitude...in more ways than one...first u will be 100% that there was no "zyadti" from ur side ...second allah does justice ... and third this person will be out of ur lives sooner rather than later
Agree, also don't forget some people don't have a conscience, so can mess around for ages and ages and not feel a thing.
Even if they take everything they won't feel any remorse, if you retain it you may do.
Her dad called back my dad yesterday and said that he has asked from many people around and confirmed that all gold jewellery,bridal outfits and bari stuff is for the girl and my family should be READY to return the jewellery as well asap. Her dad even gave a written list of jewellery and bari outfits with colours and descriptions with 'missing things' labelled on the paper yesterday. My dad clearly told him that the gifts and jewellery are given to a bride/dil who comes to stay at ILs,make relations with them and her husband ; not for the one who steals everything 3rd day of shadi and then creates nothing but distress for the family and then leaves thrice in 3 months time and decides to end it up, so sorry you have to forget about that part ! now this reminds us how badly her father created a fuss at time of nikah and literally came to getting harsh and begging for haq mehr in lacs when we had told them in first ever meeting that we dont write mehr in big amounts (some families do,but then we had to make clear so they shouldnt proceed if this is an issue for them) and they happily said they have no issues and it is just a formality. but at nikah day they made a whole issue and my dad clearly told them not to proceed if they have a problem with this and then they settled at 25k that was paid to them already. soconfused your story just clicked me !! uff tobah..what disturbs me the most is that they are a whole family of highly
Islam clearly states that either keep them (wives) in kindness or release them in kindness. I highly diagree with the OP who said that anyone could get married for 3 months take the gifts and then just leave. Once the girl is married then she is entitled to those gifts regardless of the marriage lasts a day or 10 years. No girl in her right mind would get married thinking its going to end in divorce..and then u guys are arguing about whether she deserves the gifts or not.
All those who contributed here..what concerns me is that u guys are supporting the original op but we dont even know the story from the other side. How can you all support divorce and rely on one person's interpretation of the whole situation...I am afraid that I think there is a lot more to this story than what the op is letting on!! why is that is when someone first suggested divorce..she seemed so happy. That should not have been her first reaction after 3 months of marriage. Think she had already made up her mind about the bhabi and just wanted some justfication by advocating her own selective interpretation.
I am not denying the liability of what the girl has done at all. BUT the op attitude has not helped. And Allah knows best.
and he got a bad scold from mom and he kept saying that the deserve all this seriously !