Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
@Some of the posts - Yeh, it's much better to silently plot how you will usurp the other bahu.
No, rather she should bend over backward to be accepted by some family. Why can't girls realize they don't need to live up to someone's expectation of what a typical bahu should be like? Each girl has her own strengths & weaknesses. Frankly, its time society & girls themselves wake up and stop trying to fit into some outrageous mold of a perfect bahu.
So if the first one is good at cooking and household stuff, doesn't mean second or third or the bazillionth bahu needs to be at the same level, if not better. OP has her own qualities, she supported her family when they needed her to. If she feels the family will pit her against the first bahu, then eff them and move on. It's actually this fear of comparison that has her disparaging the older DIL who I bet is going through her own fears of how she''d hold up against the new DIL.
Now if your only aim is to simply get married and be accepted, oh well....sorry ignore my sermon.
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
yaar medicines kay naam yaad ker liye tou kounsi bari baat ho gai? tum aik qadm agay nikal jaoo aur unko 'marnay kay baad kya kya ho ga' wali kitaab perh perh kay sunnao....
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
Ashy is having twisted thoughts because she reads life1 too much.......... all the guppans jumping at her......... have said similar things in past threads themselves......
to ashy,
if they are good, she is good, everything is good.................... what problem do u see?
if you sincerely try to work with the 1st bahu, and make an effort.........things will work out..
the 1st bahu will appreciate any help you provide to her......u can divide work.....all that jazz..
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
Ashy is having twisted thoughts because she reads life1 too much.......... all the guppans jumping at her......... have said similar things in past threads themselves......
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
So its my aunty's bahu. Its been more than a year since they got married. We have been hearing so many tareefain and praises of her bahu.
**
Bahu's background:**
Has been living in large joint family in a small house
Middle class family with only one bread-winner, i.e. bahu's father
Susraal's background:
Small family with just two sons, so no nand for the bahu and no previous bahu in the family
Everyone's working in the family so financially very well settled as compared to Bahu's family
Big house as compared to bahu's parent's house
High social status as compared to bahu's family
Since no daughter and no previous bahu in the family, she immediately became everyone's favourite. Her husband, her brother-in-law, her MIL and her FIL.
The bahu is not working, is a home-maker, is giving her 200% in managing the house, remembers the names of her MIL and FIL's medicines, doing their khidmat etc. The in-laws are extremely happy with the bahu.
She is really doing great. But what I feel is that she **ACTUALLY **got an easy pitch to play on. Since there is no daughter or elder bahu in the family, the family was really happy when they finally had a girl in their home. She immediately became daughter to her MIL and FIL and sister to her BIL. The bahu didn't have any competition so whatever she is doing is being appreciated by her in-laws alot.
Now, since she already has set the criteria and standard, I think the second bahu will have a hard time in making her place in the family because she will be compared with the first bahu for everything.
Does a girl's chances of becoming good or bad bahu depend more on the situation than her nature? I think any girl can be a good bahu in the above mentioned circumstances.
Yeah yeah, a guppan who often posts her in law problems here in her nick wud have been a perfect bahu, if she got this pitch to play on.
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
Ashy is having twisted thoughts because she reads life1 too much.......... all the guppans jumping at her......... have said similar things in past threads themselves......
to ashy,
if they are good, she is good, everything is good.................... what problem do u see?
if you sincerely try to work with the 1st bahu, and make an effort.........things will work out..
the 1st bahu will appreciate any help you provide to her......u can divide work.....all that jazz..
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
So its
She is really doing great. But what I feel is that she ACTUALLY *got **an easy pitch* to play on. Since there is no daughter or elder bahu in the family, the family was really happy when they finally had a girl in their home. She immediately became daughter to her MIL and FIL and sister to her BIL. The bahu didn't have any competition so whatever she is doing is being appreciated by her in-laws alot.
Does a girl's chances of becoming good or bad bahu depend more on the situation than her nature? I think any girl can be a good bahu in the above mentioned circumstances.
I think you should first inspect the pitch, see what type of bounce and spin it gives. I have a feeling the current bahu is using a few googlies and has spun her way to the top of the bowling order. But I also think she is secretly a fast bowler but hasn't brought out that aspect of her game yet, because she's waiting for her new sister in law to arrive. You should first practice hitting the googly, and then work on fast paced bowling as well. And then when she unexpectedly throws in that yorker, surprise her by hitting the ball out of the park. Pretty soon, her captaincy will come into question and the Board (your in laws) will want to demote her. You will be made the new captain and all will be well. Hope that helps.
On a serious note, you've been given some great advice from Mirch (work together) and Stoppits (cause she's smart like that). Ultimately you will do what you want to do so good luck with that.
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
I think you should first inspect the pitch, see what type of bounce and spin it gives. I have a feeling the current bahu is using a few googlies and has spun her way to the top of the bowling order. But I also think she is secretly a fast bowler but hasn't brought out that aspect of her game yet, because she's waiting for her new sister in law to arrive. You should first practice hitting the googly, and then work on fast paced bowling as well. And then when she unexpectedly throws in that yorker, surprise her by hitting the ball out of the park. Pretty soon, her captaincy will come into question and the Board (your in laws) will want to demote her. You will be made the new captain and all will be well. Hope that helps.
lol good one!
on a side note, you can always consider match fixing ;)
I am going to do this guy from Karachi gone to New York in mY bed in Boulevard Heights in Lahore. theek hai?
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
You've not even gotten a proper rishta from them and you're already competing with the first bahu?
I suggest you dont marry into this family. Infact I think you should pray you dont get married here, because you've already got issues. Fine, you are a working lady, because you dont have a dad and the first bahu is just a machine trained by her mother, but honestly speaking, as long as you havent lived with someone or spend a day in their shoes you're no one to point fingers at them and saying they got off easy or they dont have an aim in life (btw, I didnt know only working women had aims in life huh:s)
Live and let life. oh yes, remember to reject. Family is not for you.
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
I'm not going to bash Ashy2010 because I agree with Stoppit. People can chide her, but it's human nature to feel a bit insecure at times...especially in regards to such a huge and life-altering decision as marriage. Yes, it's imporant to think positively.....but considering how toxic in-laws are such an issue in our society.......I mean just look at what most of our dramas are about....it's not unreasonable for one to feel a bit scared. And if you're going to be living in a joint-family situation....it increases the risk of one person stepping on another's toes and for misunderstandings to take place.
I remember when I got hired at work, I had a few teachers come and tell me that it's going to be tough for me to fill the shoes of the former teacher whose place I had taken...and I thought that was rude. I had not even seen the former teacher...knew nothing about him....I did not come to work with the fear of how I'd measure up to this former teacher...I wasn't making any mental comparisons between myself and him. But STILL....those at work had already started to make those comparisons. I'm now settled at work, MA, and things are fine......but I brought up this example to point out that it's natural to have fears about trying to measure up and being judged............and to also point out to Ashy2010....that you will ALWAYS be compared and judged....that there's no stopping it....that it's part of human nature and you CANNOT control it. What you CAN do, however, is to improve upon your skills (in this case, cooking/housework)......try your best to connect with your in-laws.....pick and choose your battles.
It hasn't been decided whether or not you're going to end up in this family. If you firmly believe that you cannot handle living in a joint-family....then I don't see any gunnah in refusing this rishta. At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you. And understand that this expert bahu may have fears about how she'll measure up to you....she might feel insecure about your entry into their family....though she may not show it. Cooking and cleaning are skills that develop over time. As for the fear of being compared....parents will mentally/verbally compare their children to one another.....let alone DILs. There's no point in trying to read their minds as you have little control over these things. Just work on yourself and try to approach this with a positive attitude.
As for your ideas about whether or not this girl had it easy.......well, she didn't have to deal with any competition/conflicts from SILs because she doesn't have any. She's fortunate to have had accepting/caring in-laws. That makes a difference too. Although if she did not have any SILs .....her in-laws could have compared her to OTHER bahus outside of the family. Again, these are things that are beyond your control....focus on what you can handle.
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
I guess, I am just under too much pressure from my mom. I am given examples of good bahus and how I should be like them once I get married. Not my mom's fault though. Like most of our mothers, my mom also definitely wants me to be a good bahu. Its only that since I already know the family dynamics, I know what will be the expectations from me, as they say too much knowledge can be bad.
If and when formal proposal received, I plan to discuss with my aunty and the elder DIL about my inabilities and can assure them of my sincere attempts at making things work. If it will be good for me, only then Allah will choose this one for me. If Allah thinks I am not good enough for the family, I will NOT end up being with them.
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
Also, Ashy....while this girl's circumstances such as being well-trained in domestic chores/not having competition etc might have helped her to an extent............do not limit her success to just these two reasons. Understand that her success also depends upon her OWN efforts to make her marriage work. It is tough to do things ...especially for others besides your spouse and children....consistently. It's hard work...it requires patience....and I'm sure that like any other human being she has days when she's not in the mood and has to make a conscious effort to compromise and get things done. Sometimes we think that a person is always in the same state of mind, and they're not. For example, there may be times that a regular namazi does not feel like praying, etc...but to an outsider it may appear like that person never feels lazy and is a super duper Muslim. She has those down days/moods as well... and deserves credit for her efforts to overcome her feelings and persist.
Re: Is she a good bahu or its just that she got an easy pitch to play on?
If it will be good for me, only then Allah will choose this one for me. If Allah thinks I am not good enough for the family, I will NOT end up being with them.
You rely upon Allah...but you also have the responsibility of using your own judgment and making an effort.
If this guy and his family agree to the rishta....it can't go through if YOU yourself don't want to marry him. Don't base it all upon the guy's family and his/their approval. A marriage should be mutual. Just like him and his family are taking the time out to decide whether or not you would be a good fit for them......YOU TOO should take the time out to see if they are right for you.....as opposed to just going along with whatever they want. You seem to be so worried about their opinion/approval of you.....that you seem to have forgotten about your own importance and that he should meet your expectations/criteria as well. Why is that?
My parents have family friends that they've known for years...even before I was born. Despite that, I don't find all the aunties or their kids' personalities/lifestyle compatible with my own. Familiarity can be comforting, but it's not necessarily compatible. I'm not trying to discourage you from this guy.....I'm only suggesting that you carefully consider whether or not he's right for you. Instead of only basing your decision upon the how "sughar" and beloved their bahu is..........think about how you get along with the guy. If you're open to considering him as a real possibility.....interact with him/ask him questions/get to know him.
