I don’t mean to patronise you but… no. You’re pretty young and though you’ve had quite a bit of ahem experience, it’s been mainly the short-term, no strings attached kind. When I said I thought it was selfishness, I didn’t mean in a cruel way. Selfishness is a part of all of us… particularly when we’re young. Committed relationships take compromise and a lot of putting someone else before ourselves. No relationship is even steven/ 50/50 all the time. A lot of the time it isn’t even at all. But it’s not supposed to be. Now that isn’t to say it should be one sided (as is the case in the example someone gave earlier upthread.) The idea is one taps in when the other taps out. It requires patience and sacrifice. Your biggest problem, as I see it, is that you are focused on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on the “right girl” focus instead on making you the “right Nav”. She’s not going to always be the right girl. There will be arguments, fights, hurt feelings. There is no short cut to happiness. To have one of these long term commitments you have to pay to play and you have to put in the work… a lot of that time the work is on ourselves not our partners. I can remember Mum and Dad having some serious fights when I was younger… they still have the occasional whopper. But their commitment is stronger than “well I’m right and she’s wrong”… or vice versa.
Anyway this is just a stream of thought for you to chew on…
So how is marriage even pleasant if most of the time the work is on ourselves and not our partner. The success of a marriage is dependent on how much crap one person is willing to tolerate, if the other person is more selfish. Is that love or successful marriage?
Unfortunately, most humans have a limit to what they can tolerate and if it’s reached, then the marriage is going downhill unless the other partner wakes up to their own selfish behavior.
If living together, roommate style, the halal way for 6 months was allowed religiously, then I wish I could opt for that. Then we can get a taste of how the marriage would be, if we decide to take the plunge.
It isn’t all sacrifice… and some of that sacrifice isn’t horrible lol..I’m sure Dad isn’t angry or upset when he takes my Mum to her doctors appointments… that’s his best friend so he likes spending time together. My post was more related to what Nav has been repeating in this thread “what if I get bored” and “how do those couples not get bored with each other.” My Mum once told me that every time she thinks she knows my Dad completely he surprises her with some new interest or thing. If you keep your own life varied and interesting and not look completely to your partner to solve the equation of eternal happiness then that takes some of the ease off no? Even in my own marriage which was not at all healthy in the end had moments of joy so of course marriage can be pleasant… but it’s not going to be pleasant all of the time… and if you’re looking for constant happiness then that kind of self focus isn’t going to make for a long term commitment… shrugs
Your above solution is, on paper, a good one but I think it would be difficult for people in closed quarters for 6 months to not develop a level of intimacy with each other that might cause slips and if you’re trying to be halal oops lol. This is why I don’t judge people who live together or choose non religious lifestyles like dating at all. I really understand the need to “know”.
It would take great attention to remember 3000 posts. Some people have photographic memories though. Yeah she prays for me and although I don’ t believe in prayers it comforts me, she asks me to say prayer for her. She thinks Syeds prayers are special.
Tying it back to the marriage thread here we are two opposites, she is very religious, one kid claims to be a Muslim, other is atheist and one is undecided and yet it is a fun ride.
Best way is to park egos and let each other live their lives. I let her do her prayers, she lets me enjoy my Rum, and both tell the world to eff off.
These noobs are so lucky to have someone you to mentor them, it is always about putting your partners needs in front of yours. Doing st for loved one is not a sacrifice but a privilege. It is all about building memories together. When we go vacationing together we reminisce together about all the fun vacations we had together. It is basically a chance to grow old together and have someone waiting for you when you come and worry about you if you are late coming home.
You are much too gracious in your praise. I am the last person anyone should be listening to… I just rag on @NavAhmed because he’s my buddy and I like to pester him.
I make money because I know people, I have sold 400 million in Real Estate, got to know a thousand households intimately and negotiated with 10,000 people so I feel very comfortable in my assessments. You truly are an amazing human being. Everyone here knows me for my bluntness and I don’t normally offer compliments to posters here, just ask @redvelvet..lol
I like your roommate analogy but that’s not a fool proof way either. I, like perhaps many others have had street-smart roommates who stayed normal in the beginning, said the right things, took their time to settle, cooperated and followed agreed upon house rules. But once they realized they can safely play their games, they started showing their true colors. People wear such masks for longer periods of time to achieve certain goals. The mask comes off once they’ve achieved those goals.
That’s my biggest fear when it comes to something so emotional as marriage. I’ve only experienced those types of people though. That’s why roommates going their separate ways is better than a life altering event like divorce that can put people in such depression and pain.
What happens after all that intimacy becomes old and two people are left with just each other. I don’t think marriage is only about the intimacy and plus, isn’t it true that after 2 or 3 years of marriage that honeymoon stage ends and the two people are facing those practical matters of marriage? I think two human beings can control their hormones for 6 months and can resist temptation of all that. Divorce is a really frighten thought for me.
Sure… they *can *but given the access *would *they is the question. You and I might be fine with that kind of set up but it might not be for everyone and I highly doubt that the majority of the men (and women I mean let’s be equal opportunity here) who are entering into marriage these days are ones without any kind of experience. If you’ve had it before it will be that much harder to abstain in that kind of situation was all I was saying.
As to the other thing… well I don’t know but my parents sure looked to be enjoying themselves in the kitchen… and my Dad is just shy of 70 (or as I like to tell him… prehistoric LOL!) As I said above… I focused on the physical intimacy part because of Nav’s **specific **questions… of course marriage isn’t just about that… intimacy takes many forms though… not just physical. And by the way, I was married for ten years, now divorced and doing just fine! No one goes into this wanting a divorce but it isn’t the end of your life if the situation is unfortunate enough that it does lead to divorce. I get how you’d be frightened though… it wasn’t an easy decision to make but it was ultimately the right one for me. I think you’ve got a good head on your shoulders… you’re clearly thinking this through carefully and you’ll be just fine when (if?) you do eventually get married.
We always work on ourselves, regardless of being married or not.
Fear isn’t a good thing, take a plunge, most guys are idiots anyway, once you get them hitched, they won’t be able to escape your charm.
On the contrary…sir…I’ve observed (with quite some consistency) that you tend to bestow unctuous praise upon members that show you the slightest bit of sympathetic encouragement.
We are taking such a ginormous risk, emotionally, for some financially, psychologically if that plunge is taken and things turn sour or you lose out on all three just for being positive and thinking “what have I got to lose, this person seems right for me”.
We don’t know how the future will turn out, will this person drain the life out of you or will they inspire you and make you stronger. There have been men and women that lost everything financially after a divorce and are living in studio apartments.
You’re making a life decision based on a couple dates or meetings and/or chats on the phone. I can see people going completely insane, if they are very emotional or get attached and if everything goes downhill after the plunge is taken. It is like losing everything in the stock market. How do you know if the person you are talking with isn’t a volatile stock that’ll just plummet a little while after taking that risk. Okay i’m just rambling on here.
This is why great caution is needed and people here take a few years to decide if they want to get married to that person. Almost all of my kids friends are not with their biological fathers and women seemed to have done much better on the second marriages. Even amongst Pakistanis the stigma of divorce iis going away, if we don’t change with time we get crushed by it.
Even that doesn’t guarantee that things will remain all good after you get married and situations will not pop up that would leave you with no other option than to divorce.
Marriage is gamble and will remain like that no matter you take years or decades to get to know someone before deciding.
You have much better odds when you get married to a person you know really well. It is like you can cross a highway blindfolded and maybe you wont get hit but crossing it with open eyes improves your chances. We need to be in the current century where women are not cattle anymore, cattle you look at and feel and if it looks healthy and has a shiny coat you buy. A person! you spend the time to know, to learn about and to love before you commit your life to.
^Lol. Oh Bob. In the “current century” things are not always much better. There are plenty of men out there that look at the cattle, feel the cattle…ride/use the cattle…then don’t buy the cattle…as they head off toward greener pastures. As the old saying goes, “Why buy the cow when the milk is for free?” And both genders are at fault for this. Yes, one should get to know the person before marrying them…but it doesn’t necessitate “years” to do so and there’s a wisdom in that. Kisi ko jaan’nay k liye saalon ki zaroorat nahi hoti. Koi chorna chahay, to umar bhar guzaar k bhi chor sakta hai.
I think you’ve got a good head on your shoulders… you’re clearly thinking this through carefully and you’ll be just fine when (if?) you do eventually get married.