Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Also, the guy told me that he is not aware of any other rishtas (at least none that his parents have brought to his attention…)
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Thank you for your honesty. It’s pretty upsetting because everything seemed to go perfectly fine during the meetings. The guy himself is shocked that his parents are indecisive. He was pretty confident they were going to give him positive feedback. He said he’s going to call them up again in a few days to ‘clear matters’ - not sure where I stand at this point. And unfortunately, I am also emotionally attached 
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
I think you need to wait a bit, unless you are desperate to get married - or getting way too old, and can’t wait. It has been few weeks, give the family time to get back to you officially. Be supportive, but at the same time be cautious too. I see that there are some major concerns because of which the family is taking its time. You have no idea the kinds of things that Pakistani mentality families come out with, when it comes to the marriage(s) of their endearing sons. You said the family itself lives in Pakistan and the guy is in NZ for studies. I am thinking that the guy is a Pakistani citizen with an NZ student visa or something? Sometimes people think about these kinds of things too. Where will the girl and guy live? Will the girl from UK be able to adjust into our family and live in Pakistan, if we tell her to. Whether this girl will snatch our son and take him away from us to some far away place, where we can’t go etc.
My sister has married into a Pakistani family and lives in Lahore - she’s told me lots about what goes on, the inside politics and talks, what happens when her mum in law goes and see a girl for her sons (my brother in law is the eldest and has six other brothers), they take ages to decide, and they take issue with the smallest of things. You need to stay firm and strong. If you really like this guy and want to get married to him only, then you’ll have to think about this through (I believe you’ve already had that chat with your SO about where you guys will stay/live after getting married etc), and what will you be doing. A typical housewife or a house-maker or a career woman etc.
Point is, you should wait. Let him deal with his parents. Don’t pressurise him or something, because bad decisions are made in haste, and sometimes judgements can be clouded. Last thing you want to do is to get yourself in a mess, because you were “emotionally attached” to someone, and weren’t grown up enough to let go, and see something is bad for you, when it was needed.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
More reason to cut off ALL contact with him right now until his family has officially said “yes.” It’s not like the guy is going to marry you without his parents consent. It’s a stupid decision to continue to stay in touch with this guy and getting more attached day-by-day.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
I coach people to not make assumptions so why not ask the guy if his parents object where do things stand and if he says that parents consent is a condition then tell him to contact you when they have sorted it out. Personally weak men make me want to vomit. Would you really want to be with such a weak man who cant stand up to his mother. How is he going to protect you all your life?
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Good luck Sherazade!
It’s probably a tough time for you right now. I agree with the other posters to stay back and not get attached. Continue to live your life and possibly meet others. Don’t pressure the guy but do touch base after a little while and if it’s still a ‘no answer’ from them, let them sort it out and move on. It doesn’t matter if there are other rishtas or not because if they are not interested then they are not interested nothing will change that.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll work out with ease. Nothing Allah has destined for you can be given to anyone else 
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Isn’t this a majority of desi men? Desi men for the most part are close to family and mothers. It’s good and bad in that they respect their mothers which is good because she is a woman and the female figure in his life growing up but then, it will always be difficult for women his own age to live up to that image of how his mother was. She is the first woman he fell in love with as a child. The family’s opinion matters a lot. No one wants to risk everything on someone their family doesn’t approve of completely. Especially when divorce is a bit more common now then it was decades ago.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Being close and not yet weaned are two different things, a part of being an adult is to make your own decision. mamas boys let their dear mommies inflict abuse on the DILs. I know about a lot of abuse. Actually lil boys who are mommies puppets divorce their wives on mommies command. I know of this guy who liked his wife and his mommy put the holy book on his head and made him swear on mommies life to divorce the girl. Both my brother and I married against families wishes, his daughter became a physician before she turned 23 and his son is an executive for Bank Of America…so marriages without mommies blessings work also. I would be a lot more committed to a woman I chose rather than the one forced down my throat. Almost all my nephews are marrying girls of their choice and mommies don’t have any say in that,
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
let the guy talk to his mom again and ask him the concerns his mom or family has regarding you and you then try to address those concerns. It could be possible that they do like you and all but there might be few things they are finding hard to accept etc. so unless you know their concerns you wont be able to fix them. And if it turns out that there are things/issues that you cant genuinely fix, then move on.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Sherazade,
Pakistani families have some seriously twisted views when it comes to getting their sons married . In most cases I have seen that the boys arent allowed to win the battle against their mommies or sisters when it comes to choosing a life partner. And remember what i told you before in my post earlier , when a mother or a sister doesnt want to fight off their son/brother, they will avoid a face off and will rather use tact to deal with his anger . This is where the waiting game begins and almost never ends for the girl in waiting.
Even if the family gives in , this is now a bone of contention that will never every get out of your life , if you get married to him. Having said this , if I were you , I would let the guy know that you have invested time , emotion and effort into this proposal, you dont want to wait too long, so he can try one more time to understand concerns his family has and honestly portray those concerns back to your family , so you guys can decide if things will work or not . Then tell him , if he isnt able to clarify things within days or few more weeks , then this is the end of it and you need to move on.
Now here is the important bit. The stage you are at , its still easy to move away . The deeper you get into this crap , the harder you will get an emotional hit. and your parents and family too. You want a family which will accept you with respect .
Good luck my dear .
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Hi Dubaiwali,
Thanks so much for your thorough response! Given that I have been born and raised in the UK, I am certainly unaware of the rishta process and how complicated things can be! This is my first time going through something like this - but you’re right, Pakistani families can surely be difficult! I also find that with guys raised in Pakistan - their moms and sisters hold all the power in the decision-making… which baffles me that the guy himself hardly has any say in the situation. I have been as supportive as possible, and will definitely hope he takes some lead in this - but will not be pressuring or pressing for anymore feedback. I’m sure the results will unfold within a short time. Thank you!
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Agreed. Not sure why the moms and sisters have so much control? I’m not saying to completely dismiss your moms/sisters opinion - but if they have no valid reason to object, I don’t get it. Plus, it’s not like he’s 19 or 20. He’s 28 - yet unable to contribute to making the biggest decision of his life. Very odd. At this point, I think if his parents object - it’s the end of it. I don’t see him putting up a fight.. and quite frankly, I am not sure I am comfortable getting married in a household where I have to ‘struggle’ to be accepted. Thanks, Bobby!
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Illuminate, thank you for being so positive! I really appreciate it. You’re absolutely right - I’ve made the effort I could, the rest is in Allah’s hands. I’m definitely preparing myself mentally to move on! Thanks for your valuable feedback throughout the posts!
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Yes. I guess the problem that the guy is facing is that the parents wont even tell him what the concerns are! (Or maybe he does know, but he isn’t telling me for whatever reason) I don’t have much information to work with other than “they are still considering” - either way, it will unfold soon. I’m hoping for the best, but am prepared for the worst. Thank you!
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Hi there, thanks so much for the sincere advice! I completely agree with you. I have actually already let the guy know that I cannot be waiting around for too long (for my own well-being) - which is why I suppose he initiated the convo with his parents. I was hoping to get a sign to help me prepare for what was to come - and since there seems to be red flags… I am preparing myself emotionally and mentally. As everyone has said, I am gonna give it about 3 weeks to get an official yes or no. If I hear nothing back, then yes I will move on. I would just like everyone to remember me in your prayers! May Allah give me the strength to come out of all of this with a positive outlook.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
When I got married they came after my wife like a pack of hungry wolves, it took all I had to protect her from their vicious attacks and I am talking about a respectable educated family. The man you marry should be willing to take a bullet for you. If he can’t stand up for you know, how will he protect you later?
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Then it’s no use marrying a desi guy…lol. I wish I was really joking above about what I said but I have not seen the exceptions yet except maybe you and maybe my brother and you both are rare. No desi guy will go against his family and especially his mother, to marry a woman of his choice that his whole family disapproves of.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
All my nephews so far are choosing their own partners without input from family, I thought things were changing. I am also seeing a lot of mix marriages. People should marry for love and not for families pleasure or race or religion. My only advice to my children is to marry for love nothing else. My 18 yr old has such a nice Yugoslavian background gf. It would have been a grave sin to deny them of such beautiful emotions.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Not all desi guys are a lost cause. If he has a good understanding of what his rights and responsibilities are as a husband and what his wife’s rights and responsibilities are in Islam then should be fine. A God fearing man and a God fearing wife is the best combination. This is obviously from an Islamic perspective. I can’t comment on non Muslims. Even they have their problems. Who doesn’t? Marriage isn’t exactly a walk in the park.
Re: Insight needed on this rishta/relationship
Honestly, I want a guy that loves and respects his mother and sees his family as an important part of his life. But that balance in his mind has to be there after marriage with his wife too. Obviously, he’s known and trusted his family a lot longer than his wife.
Every guy(brown or not) I’ve been infatuated with has been close to his family or has been the type to be there for them and a total sucker for his mother. So there’s no escaping all that.
Everybody or whomever is reading my comment, what’s wrong in making him and his family think that she’s most wanted as in she has so many rishtas coming her way and other guys’ families are interested in her? Let this guy miss the heck out of you, don’t respond to his texts like others have said there is no use of that right now and that unnecessary emotional attachment. This is an arranged marriage scenario so it’s strictly business and even in the dating scenario, I’ve heard from friends that it’s never a good idea to show emotional attachment until a certain “commitment is wanted by guy and his family” stage. The only time it’s close to being a bit safe for emotions to come out is when mr. ring goes on mr. finger.