Was wondering if I could get some insight on the rishta process.
I met a wonderful guy online, we’ve been speaking for about 3-4 months. During this time, he told his sister and mother about me. As a result, his mother contacted my mom about us coming down to Pakistan to meet the family. The guy lives in New Zealand, and I am in the UK. So he came down to Pakistan in Feb and so did I with my dad. The initial meeting was at my house in Pakistan - the guy and his family came over. Everything went smoothly! And then the second meeting, the guy’s family invited us over to their place. Both meetings went very well! At the end of the second meeting, the guy’s parents said that they really liked me but that they wanted some time to think about the whole thing, and wanted to give my family some time to think about things as well. After that, both me and the guy had to go back to NZ and UK. We’ve been in touch, and he’s said he is ‘hopeful’ about things. I’m just wondering how long to wait to hear back or how to proceed from here on-wards? I don’t want to pester the guy about what’s going on as it would seem desperate. But I’m just looking for answers, as I do not want to be put ‘hold’ for a very long time.
I think when either side takes too long to come to a conclusion , there are definitely some concerns . I have seen cases where the guy’s family doesnt come with an upfront “no” because they fear, their son will retaliate negatively. So they just linger on until the girl’s side gets frustrated and simply says no!
I have also come across people who have concerns and are trying to convince their son to refrain , all this while the girl’s family is in a limbo.
As a girl, you should only be looking for commitment , from that family as well as the guy . If the guy was committed enough , he would have known how important it is to get back to you , he could always raise any concerns and discuss with you and your family if he is really serious about progressing.
If his family is committed enough, they should get in touch with a clear Yes , or ask for further time and share any concerns they may have.
But , when they leave you sitting there without any answers for weeks and weeks , it just means they are either trying to get out of this situation by hoping you will go away on your own , or , they are trying to convince their son for some other option , or worse, searching for some other option !
Its down to you now, how involved you are with the person and how much you trust him. If none of them respond to anything at all within roughly a month or so , you should know they are not interested and move on in your search.
I think it’s great to take your time to get to know someone and for the guy/girl and even families to meet enough times where you have a good understanding of who the potential is and what their family/upbringing is like, etc.
However, when there are long periods of delays and times when neither side is talking just “thinking” then for me that is a red flag. Something could have come up like a family issue and that’s understandable. You can try asking the guy after some time maybe within a couple weeks and if it’s a vague answer then I wouldn’t waste my time. If they genuinely are thinking about it and are sorting out other issues then that’s okay.
Also, I agree that the guy needs to take the lead on this a little more.
I am wondering that maybe they need some time because families have only met twice? And us living so far away doesn’t really allow for us to continue meeting/getting to know each other. I am in regular contact with his sister and the guy himself – and they both keep saying things like “insha’Allah, everything will work out, we’re positive, we’re hopeful…etc” so it is a bit confusing on my end because there hasn’t been an official yes or no. I went to meet the family with the hopes of getting a clear answer, as I am not interested in continuing to invest myself in this relationship without knowing whether there is parental approval (since that is what we seem to be waiting on). My parents have approved of everything, so now it’s just a waiting game on my end. It’s only been a week since families met… so I guess it’s safe to say that I should wait a month before coming to a conclusion?
1 week isn’t much time really especially if they were travelling back to NZ etc.
Definitely give it a couple more weeks, pray istikhara in the meantime.
But realistically he should probably know his parents well enough to be able to give you an indication of what they’re thinking- definitely sounds like he’s just waiting on them!
What were they like towards you during the meetings? That’s usually a bit of an insight too.
The meetings went very well! Both him and the family seemed to like me very much. The family lives in Pakistan, only he lives in NZ at the moment for studying/working purposes. I am not expecting an immediate yes or no from the family. But was expecting him to give me a bit more details on what decision his family is swaying towards. This way i can be better mentally prepared. Do you think it’s okay if I gently asked the guy what his thoughts were on the whole thing - in that whether things will be moving positively or not? Because right now our talks seem meaninglesss.. if I don’t know where all this is leading up to! Thanks
It’s only been 4 days since your initial post meaning it’s been a week and half since the meeting. I think you should give them a little more time. Since all families are in different parts of the world this can get challenging. If I were you I would limit my interaction as to not get too attached and not pester the dude either. Stay friendly. Remember to stay confident and happy! If it’s going to work out, it will, just keep making dua and things will work out for the best.
His thoughts are probably that he wants things to work out because he’s making things move forward in that direction. I bet he’s waiting for his parents too so just let the news come naturally and in the mean time, do you!
Thanks so much for your response! I don’t mind waiting a bit.. but my family (especially rishte-daar!) keep inquiring about what’s going on and whether it’s a yes or no. They think because the guy and I like each other, and we talk - I should be able to get some inside info. But I think you’re right! It hasn’t been that long at all… The guy has definitely been consistent in the effort he’s making, and things seem to be going well between us. Plus, had it been an official ‘no’ from his side, I don’t think he would continue talking to me this way and moving forward as you said. I guess I will just relax, make dua and give it more time. Thanks so much for your very insightful response!
No problem Sherazade! Lol, one thing I’ve learned seeing so many rishta scenarios is to keep rishte-daar out of it completely! Your parents need to tell the rishte-daar to calm down. Sometimes people will come and put doubts in your mind for no apparent reason. When the good news comes I am sure you will share with family and it will be all good! There is no “insider info” here, it’s all part of the process. All the best
Okay, rule of thumb for rishtas is never to get rishtaydars involved unless they can provide info about future in laws. They’re usually the ones who meddle and mess things up and create problems where there are none. My rishta talks took like a month to finalise into a haan and nobody knew until the final yes. One of my aunts knew because she had met my husband before and she really liked him so she wanted to vouch for him. Go on an information diet asap and get your parents to tell them that they’ll be informed as soon as any progress is made.
It’s hard to speculate how long one should wait because we are talking about individual situations.
His family could be caught up with something that you’re not aware of.
I would say sit tight and let him and them reach out to you and yours’.
3 to 4 weeks of delay is not unreasonable.
Unless you have another pot on the burner…
Thinking is not the same as knowing. The fact is that you really don’t know what discussions are going on in the guy’s family and what is preventing them from saying “yes” right now. Don’t allow your emotions to cloud your judgment.
You have spoken to this guy already for 4 months so both of you know each other well enough. The families have met. It looks like your family is willing to move forward to a official commitment. The hold-up is HIS family. For whatever reason, his parents are not ready to say “yes” at this point. My recommendation would be that you let the guy know that it’s best for both of you to stop communicating and getting attached emotionally further until his family provides a official answer. If and when his family says “yes”, you two can pick up where you left off. If they say “no”, the pain will be less if you have already stopped contact with him.
And as for being on “hold”, did the guy and you have a open discussion that both of you will not pursue other rishtas? How do you know for a fact that the guy and/or his parents are not pursuing other opportunities while you’re waiting?
I really respect all of you who have been telling me to wait - and I understand risthaas don’t happen in an instant. Plus our situation is even more difficult because we’re all scattered around in different parts of the world. I guess why I was expecting more information was because this wasn’t a typical arranged marriage ristha process. It was me and the guy who liked each other, and coordinated the whole meeting and ristha itself (even before we had met ourselves!) So although, I don’t expect an immediate response from the family… I kind of expected a bit more insight from the guy himself. However, all he’s told me is “my parents really liked you” and “i’m hopeful” and of course that he and his family really enjoyed the meetings and stuff. I don’t want to be pushy, but I definitely don’t want to be in this limbo for an extended period.
That’s the thing - me and the guy have never really had the whole ‘official’ commitment talk. The reason why he got his sister and mom involved so quickly was because they were actively looking for him. So prior to meeting him, I asked him if he was seeing other risthas during his trip to Pakistan, and he said no he wasn’t interested in looking around but hoped his parents would ‘consider’ me. Which they did, and things seemed to have gone really well when we met. But like you said, I do not know whether they are considering other risthas. They could be. But how will I ever know?
Although, I am not expecting an immediate yes, I am not feeling too good about continuing developing an attachment with a cloud over my head doubting whether this relationship is even going anywhere or not. As others have said, I personally think the guy himself does not know whether it is a yes or not - which is why he isn’t giving me any clear indications of whether this is going anywhere. Whereas yes, my family are ready for an official commitment and aren’t looking for other risthas for me yet - because we’re hoping this one will pan out.
This is a typical arranged rishta process. Guy and girl like each other BUT both parties will not move forward if the families do not agree to the marriage. It doesn’t matter how much the guy likes you. He will drop you like a hot potato if his parents say “no” for whatever reason. Right now there is absolutely 0 commitment from both sides. Both you and him are free to talk to other people as potential rishtas. He has not made any promises to you. Thus, it would be stupid for you to put yourself “on hold” for this guy.
My sincere advice is to cut off all contact with the guy for now. Let him know that you don’t want to get more attached if his parents are not ready to move forward. If he is a decent guy who is serious about marriage, he will understand this and respect it. Then wait for 2-3 weeks. If within 2-3 weeks, the guy’s family does not contact your parents at all with a official “yes”, then continue your search and start talking to other guys.
Just a little update. The guy himself told me he was a bit concerned because his family had not discussed anything with him about the ristha ever since he went back to NZ. So he decided to give his parents a call just to find out ‘where they were at’ and what they were thinking about the whole thing. So, he spoke to his mom and his mom told him that we are still ‘considering it’ - and so he questioned what they were still considering. Following this he said, his mom changed the topic, this led him to getting annoyed and they got into an argument. Since then he’s been pretty upset about the whole thing, and doesn’t know what to do/say at this point. I’ve been trying to be pretty supportive. My parents have said that I shouldn’t read too much into his convo with his mom, and there’s still hope as the parents have not said ‘no’ officially. Thoughts?
Trust me on this one . His parents have issues with this proposal and its evident they wont let it go easily. Situations like these are very sticky. Most men cant/wont take a stand for a very long time and will eventually give in .
I am sorry for being blunt , but just wanted to give you a very honest view on this
