inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

you are not the only one going through this, same is happening to me but the only difference is mine is the walima dress which my in laws r choosing, so I m really frustrated & I feel like killing my finacee. I have had countless fights with him. Same thing happened to my best friend, her mother in law actually asked her the color but at the end she didnt choose that color. My friend's walima was actually spoiled coz of that as she was wearing same color on both days. her 1st day was red n green n 2nd day was green. now she doesnt even show anyone her walima pics as she looks so unhappy n tensed in her pics. so she has advised me to fight till the end to get the dress my way as afterwards no one is going to give u award of being understanding & wearing the choosen dress, no one will even mention that u were thoughtful to wear their choice, it is just that imp day of ur life will be ruined. I will advise to get one urself, incase u dont like the one frm in laws, u can wear urs one. but if the in laws one is nice then there is no prblm. my in laws didnt even tell me the color though they did ask colors of the 1st day. but i am getting myself a walima dress as well. coz i dont want to moun for the rest of my life.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

While I understand the frustration you and your friend felt....I believe the above is the wrong way to look at this situation.

I agree that no one will award you for being understanding and no one will mention that you were thoughtful. **BUT **if you choose to fight and make a huge deal out of this....your fiance/future husband, and his entire family WILL remember that. They will mention that their new bahu was selfish and didn't want to respect her in-laws wishes. In the weeks, months, and maybe even years.....they will remember that and might even continue to bring it upto their son (ie. your husband) which will cause him distress.

Do you really think you're building a strong foundation for your marriage by having "countless fights" with your fiance right now about a walima dress?

Your case is very different from OPs in the sense that you're getting to choose your shaadi jora. While I agree that the walima is also important....I think you need to ask yourself ....what's more important to you:

1) Is it important that you yourself feel pretty on the walima day OR
2) Is it important that the weeks/months/years AFTER the walima are stress and drama free for your marriage (ie. not giving your in-laws a chance to talk bad about you to your husband which will cause tension in your marriage).

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^ exactly that. it will sour the valima experience for your in-laws forever and it will continue to be an issue for the rest of your married life. please remember to keep the end goal in mind: a happy married life with a happy family. and if you choose to ignore the dress they have brought you with all their love and care in order to wear one of your own, you WILL spoil relations with them. is it worth all this future misery and unhappiness for one dress? seriously think about this. you are not just marrying your fiance- you are marrying his family too. you MUST show respect towards them. there are no ifs, ands or buts about it. and if you really feel like you cannot do this, then you need to rethink your decision to get married. i'm sorry this will sound harsh, but you don't sound very mature at all, and girls who aren't mature and prepared to compromise shouldn't be getting married. it ruins everything for the in-laws to know the bride their son has chosen to marry is uncompromising and childish. this is not something that will just go away once you are married. no-one will forget and it will set a precedence of behaviour towards you that you will find very unpleasant as time progresses. as well, technically speaking, they are hosting and paying for the valima, it is their function. it is ok for them to bring your dress for you, no matter what it is. your family is paying for and hosting the shaadi and unlike the OP, you are buying your own wedding dress. you don't have to wear the valima dress again if you don't want to, there are ways around it, and you can always get it altered later on into something you love, but for a few hours for one day, you should be able to set aside your concerns and wear something to make someone else happy.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

That is a real bummer.

But here's a funny-tragic story. My friend couldn't go to India to buy her wedding gowns. So she printed lots of styles and color options for her mom to buy one.

What does her mom buy? Something ENTIRELY different and my friend hates it.

Then, when the lengha went to go for stitching, the idiot tailor stitched the front as back and the back as front for the choli. :Facepalm: Now, you could really tell one is idiot with the lengha design in the back and with a plain front.

As a result, they stashed that lengha and my friend went and bought a new one.

Maybe, you never know what could happen with your future lenghas...maybe it gets lost or damaged along the way. And then you get to pick your own.

...

Now, being serious. Can you still afford the wedding outfit you want on your own? Maybe you and hubby can do a special one year anniversary shoot with a new lengha of your choice. Something special later on.

For my wedding, I had to buy a sari that was mango/marigold in color. I couldn't wear a lengha either. I was really bummed and after seeing so many pretty photos of wedding lenghas and panetars, I so wanted one for the wedding!

But then we started shopping to find the marigold colored sari. There was only a choice of 15 saris (at four different stores) and they were ugly. Finally, on the last sari, I found it! It was adorable and so me. My mom called my naniji and mami and they came to the store to join us. Naniji thought I looked like a little mango, but she was content.

And today, even though I love those other bridal lenghas and spend my time drooling over them, I love my little marigold sari. There's something special about it.

Lesson learned, you never know...you may come to love your wedding outfits. :) Hugs!

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

I don't mean ot sound harsh, because I know how upsetting this situation can be, but the whole drama about colors being the same and all that, it sounds like the whiny brattiness of a child, not the thoughts of an adult.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Wow...REALLY?!?!? You would actually "mourn the rest of your life" over a walima dress? If you don't mind me asking, how old are you???? I don't want to sound harsh, I'm sure you are a perfectly nice person, but this post of yours makes you look and sound like the most shallow, bratty airhead that ever walked the planet.

Be thankful that your inlaws even care enough about you to give you ANY dress. There are those of us who would kill to have in laws who even think about them, much less be so involved in the wedding that they are making clothes and jewelry etc.

And yes, rewards are not given out for being understand, but peace of mind, self respect and respect from your husband matter far more, my friend.

Just some friendly advice from an experienced wife & daughter in law, no offense meant.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

i think this is the latest trend tht brides selecting their valima dress varna its always inlaws who make all bari n valima dress u hve choice for ur barat dress just over a small dress u l create problem for urself n trust me for 1 thing if a person always do good things all his life ppl might not remmeber it but if 1 thing goes wrong u r reminded of it for ur all life u think if u l not like ur valima dress n vl wear ur own choice thn ur in laws vl be happy ofcourse they l gone a ask u question grow up sweetheart its just a beginning u have 2 strt a married life n it needs lots of compromises
to tell u my story my inlaws didnt wanted 2 have a valima yes i m one of the bride who didnt had her valima like every girl i wanted a great wedding but i respected my in laws desicion till date my in laws appreciate me n my family k hum ne jasa kaha wasay kaha it hurts me but their appreciation matters more 2 me :)
plz dont mind my words just an advice

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Are you having a mehndi? These days girls are wearing all kinds of heavy dresses on the mehndi and they don't have to be green or yellow. Just tone down the jewerly and make up a bit and wear the dress of your dreams. Mehndi is more fun anyways. For my nikah I got to choose the lehnga and the in laws paid for it. We all went to seeit togther except MIL (she later commented that it was wrong that I chose maroon instead of red) but when it was time for the shadi, MIl said I had to wear the nikah lehnga gain even though the entire wedding party was getting newclothes made. We asked her permissin to get adress made by ourselves and pay for me. She r agreed and asked it to be red. For the walima she brought thedress herself, a horrible cheap affair but enough battles picked so compromised.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

I feel like sitting around crying with Yanzala, everyone is giving her helpful advice and all I feel like saying is fight for it. But I know that probably won't be possible. :(

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

awww....you know what the first time i had this talk with my husband and when he told me that i will have to wear what his sisters and bhabi chose for me i cried soooooo much. partially because i wasn't gonna get a dress of my dream and partially because i was really really hurt the way my husband talked to me.
it's not fun being adult and making the right decision. sometimes the child in me wishes that the dress they buy for me gets stolen....or ruined somehow that i don't get to wear them. i wouldn't mind wearing some extra heavy joora out of my jahaiz cloths but not something they are going to get....but at the end i will HAVE to wear what they will give me. and that hurts a lot.....it's my wedding. nothing EVER be like that day again. not even my mehndi or wedding anniversary or any other occasion for rest of my lift.
when i told my husband that if i don't like the dress i will get really upset and i might even cry he got mad at me for being materialistic and said i am shallow for crying over dresses. and that hurt me even more. It has been so many months since i am trying to console my self. but it's not working :(
i am not materialistic. Wedding dresses are just much bigger deal than everyone thinks it is :(

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

^ i do feel for you because you're not getting to choose either dress, they're being uncooperative and you're fiance is being unsupportive. be patient though, darling, you really won't know how you feel about them unless you see them. for all you know, they could be amazing dresses insha'Allah and you will love them as much as if you'd picked them out yourself. are your parents also unwilling to step up? perhaps your mom could speak directly to your MIL as a last resort? you never know, she might compromise and allow you feedback into the process.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Ladies,

Some of you may really hate me for saying these things.

For all of you that think this is the most special day of your life and it will NEVER come back so let's make sure its just amazinggggggggggggggggggg...please understand that you make it special...not other people or things or clothes. A wedding is a union between two people - not two outfits.

Yanzala...my inlaws gave me a very small budget to work with when I got married. Smaller than most people get. My outfit didn't even have the normal amount of kaam bridals usually have. The bottom of my lehnga had a one inch border. No more. I told myself I could wear it again if I wanted to later on and it won't be a typical lehnga and since my wedding was in the hottest week of the summer...what business did I have wearing a heavier outfit anyway? Was it glamorous? No. Was it a piece that would make me stand out necessarily? No. It was simple. My wedding outfit was simple. Is that even heard of nowadays? A simple wedding outfit?

Your wedding is a big day. yes. But its not bigger than your marriage ahead. You need to understand a few things:

Whats done is done. You will have to work with what you're being given. You don't have a choice here.

The bigger of an issue you make of your clothes - the worse you look in front of other people. You don't have the luxury of being forgiven by inlaws as you might have with your parents. Your inlaws are normal people who don't owe you loads of forgiveness...so be smart as to how you go about dealing with this in front of your fiance.

They're just clothes. And if you don't want to look at it that way then force yourself to find the silver lining in this situation. Sit down and think of a few positive things about your wedding and remind yourself of them every time you start to get upset.

One more thing...

In my experience...brides don't look beautiful because of the outfit and makeup they're wearing. Its because of how happy they are and WHO they are. A bride glows doesn't she? Do you guys think its because of her outfit? Or is it because she is truly happy? If you're angry, it will show not only to others but also in your pictures exactly like someone already mentioned.

I don't know about you all but I certainly don't want people calling me the "sarial" bride for the rest of my life.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Reha I get what you're saying... but to a certain extent.

If it really is just the union of two people that's the most important why go through the entire show? Why don't people just sign the papers and have a Nikkah and be done with it? Why go through the engagement party, the mayoun, the mehndi, the nikkah & reception and valima? The entire wedding process is superficial and the bulk of the emphasis is put on the bride and her clothes/the way she looks.

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@OP, when i got married, my Mil wanted to buy my wedding and valima dress, i asked her if I could get my own and she didn't mind, so it was no Biggy. i did get a really nice wedding and valima jora (i posted pics a few months back) . however, a few months ago i got the news that someone had broken into our pakistan house and had stolen my dresses along with a whole bunch of other stuff. was i upset? umm, just a little bit. after all they were just dresses. it could have been way worse. I had planned on wearing them on my sisters wedding, but oh well... now i get to buy new ones :D

the point is, you're making wayyyyyy too much of a big deal over dresses. let the topic go already.

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Yanzala...i am currently in the same boat...i had no choice over style, colour, jewellery, even makeup! So i just put all my effort into my wedding outfit etc...

I saw my walima outfit yesterday for the first time and it was ok to be honest, i think u shud just grin and bear with it! That was my plan no matter what it looked like. And you can tell if you will like it or not based on what sort of clothes your in laws wear???

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In all honesty....................that's exactly what I want.

The bulk of the emphasis is put on the bride and how she looks - correct. I think I looked amazing on my wedding day even though I wore an outfit that could have passed as an engagement outfit. But do I give credit to my clothes? Um, no. It was because my skin looked good, my makeup was kept natural/neutral and I was excited. Happy. I was all smiles that day. I could have been wearing a garbage bag and still looked nice that day.

You wear the clothes...the clothes don't wear you.

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I'm starting to think that maybe that's something bigger that needs to be addressed. It's one thing for you not to get what you want, but he's just being plain mean. It seems like your husband and his family aren't even showing you any respect, or maybe I'm just reading the words wrong in my head, but I can't think of a tone that this would sound like they mean well in.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Politely butting in on this but here's another way to look at this:

I agree that to extended family and otusiders...the wedding is a "show". But that's b/c they're just there for that day. It's not their marriage. The way they act/behave at the wedding will not have any long-tern consequences on their own marriages. However, the bride and the groom should keep in mind that that wedding is leading to THEIR marriage. It's not a temporarily show for them. And the way they behave towards each other's families can have serious negative long-term consequences for them. Bride/Groom have to be accountable for their actions during their marriage to each other and to their families. The guests unfortunately don't.

Just because the outsiders get caught up on all the show and forget the real reason they're there....that doesn't mean the bride(and groom) should.

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Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :frowning:

:k:

Totally agree with this.

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Come to think of it if this tradition was to b changed then think of the larki walaiz who wont b able to afford a decent weddng dress along with all the other kharchaz..dowry itself is an issue now comes the weddng dress issue if this tradition was to b changed..i think this tradition is there just to b helpful to some people so dont think its weird not everyone can afford to spend $5000 on a single dress..
This tradition was in my family too and my MIL said so herself that she would take me with her to choose the weddng dresses..but their total budget for both the dresses was not good enough for me as me and my family wanted a very lavish dress for me..so we asked them to buy the valima dress of my choice in the total budget and that we would pay for the weddng dress..NOW when i think of it i see my self as being childish..if I would have allowed them to buy both the dresses it would have been less burden on my parents secondly both r being wasted in my closet..although I was exactly like u but now I say these things dont mattr much whts done is done no use thinking about it think of other good things like being with ur husband forever..thats wht marriage is all about isnt it? when I got married I thought this was the one and only imp day of my life and nothing can b compared to it thought this is the happiest I could be..but wait till u become a mothr ull forgt wht u felt on ur weddng day..n guess wht ull b the one to make the choices for ur kid no one to intrude then

P.s. Ur lucky ur MIL is loving and caring enough to buy ur dresses herself wht if she wouldnt have shown any interest i m sure tht would hurt more