I have a question for all the girls (married or brides to be). Would you have preferred to choose your own Walima dress? If so, did you get to choose it? What is your take on this?
I personally believe that girls should be allowed to choose their own walima dress. I don’t understand WHY a girl would have to compromise on her dress during one of the biggest events of her life :S Or am I wrong here? I understand a mother in-law/sister in-law has been dreaming of designing their bahu’s dress, but in the end it’s the bahu that has to wear it. And I’m sure most girls, at least in the West, already have ideas of what kind of a dress they’d be wearing.. In the end it’s their dreams that matter more anyway It’s THEIR walima! I’m just bummed out that I can’t choose mine
Yes I would prefer to have my own valima dress. My future MIL likes me to do whatever makes me happy so she would want me to choose. But secretly I'm hoping she picks out something, and even if it's not my first choice, I want her to feel special that she picked her bahu's dress out.
It's also THE ENTIRE families valima. It'd be nice if a bride gets to choose her own valima dress, but if not, it should be the least of her worries, since it's just a dress. Also, at the end of the day, a bride can wear the prettiest dress in the world but if she's not happy and content, there is not much a pretty dress can do.
The "biggest event" is just the beginning for an iA' happy life, so it's important everyone compromise somewhere to keep an overall balance of happiness.
Yes I would prefer to have my own valima dress. My future MIL likes me to do whatever makes me happy so she would want me to choose. But secretly I'm hoping she picks out something, and even if it's not my first choice, I want her to feel special that she picked her bahu's dress out.
It's also THE ENTIRE families valima. It'd be nice if a bride gets to choose her own valima dress, but if not, it should be the least of her worries, since it's just a dress. Also, at the end of the day, a bride can wear the prettiest dress in the world but if she's not happy and content, there is not much a pretty dress can do.
The "biggest event" is just the beginning for an iA' happy life, so it's important everyone compromise somewhere to keep an overall balance of happiness.
Gaia, I agree with you. BUT, if the in-laws know the girl would like to choose her own dress, interfering and being stubborn isn't the way to go around it. I understand that it's the entire families event, but they can busy themselves with other priorities! Just leave the dress alone :( It's not even about the dress. It's more so the sad realization that the in-laws don't deem the girl's happiness important enough. IF, they had happily told me that I should choose my own dress OR that they would like my input or at least given me a choice, I probably would have happily let them choose it. Oh well :( Such is life?
Yes that is stubbornness from your in-laws, but unless your hubby to be is supportive in getting you your dream dress, not much can be done. Try not to look at it from a negative prospective, because it will only get you down.
Maybe your in-laws didn't realize, that not choosing your own dress would be a big deal and maybe they without realizing just looked past it?
To be honest, my in-laws are amazing people, mashAllah. And I've never had trouble with them. This is the first. But it could also be because I myself am quite stubborn when it comes to wedding planning! My mother in-law has always "dreamt" of making her daughter in-law's dress. I haven't directly told her I don't want it, but my fiance has. And she disagreed. I don't want to say no to her personally because as important as communication is in a relationship, with the in-laws it's best to communicate through the fiance/husband. Face to face confrontations are always uncomfortable and can get bad. Especially since I will be living with them after the wedding.
At the same time, I am letting her make the dress. Complaining and venting about it just makes me feel better haha :P I don't want to be the selfish bride. If it can make her happy, then why not? I just wanted the opinion of other girls in the same situation or already have been.
I don't understand why mother in-laws dream of making their daughter in-laws dresses. They should just dream of what they themselves are going to wear :S And let the girl take care of her dress herself !
comon there is nothing wrong with MIL wanting to make bride's dress. Strawberry, being stubborn doesn't help in a marriage. If you have decided to get married then you need to learn to accept other people's choices too. Make the mehndi and wedding dress of your choice and let your MIL take care of the valima.
It sounds to me like you're just stressed about the wedding and it is preoccupying your every thought (totally normal :D ) and this is causing more anxiety and frustration.
Honestly, I think you're getting worked up for no reason. You didn't answer my question, but I will assume that you are selecting your own wedding day dress. Why not let your inlaws gift you the Valima outfit? It is their function. It is something they'd like to do for you. It seems kind of ungrateful of you to be so upset about it, when they haven't really given you any reason to be. Sure it is YOUR valima, but it is also their function. And it will give you a different look and style for each day. Is there any reason to think that they won't pick something nice for you?
In my family ALL of the event clothes (mangni, shadi, valima) come from the groom's side -- the girls in my family don't pick, unless they specifically request to pick their own outfit, and even then it is only for one of those days, not all of them. It's not like they are forced or anything -- it's just the custom. I did not pick my clothes, and they are probably not what I would have picked, but they ARE lovely. I've even worn them afterward, often, and get tons of compliments. My MIL picked them with a lot of love and care. And I do appreciate that, even tho they weren't my choice.
In fact, even my jahez clothes were not my choice, as I was not able to go to Pakistan to do the shopping. But you know what, I had to be practical and realistic. I did see the wedding as our family's function, not just my own, and I was okay sharing the decisions for it. I decided what was most important to me, and let others handle the other stuff.
Anyway, unless you have any reason to believe that your outfit will not be nice and won't be picked with love, I think you should be thankful for all of the time, effort, and care it takes to select someone else's bridal jora, and look forward to the surprise.
I really don't see what the big deal is. After all, a bride gets to choose her mehndi and baraat dresses herself so what difference does it make if the in-laws choose the walima dress? I think it's quite silly to make a big deal about it. Also you mentioned your in-laws are amazing people so then it's not as though they will deliberately choose a hideous dress for you. And even if they DO choose something which may not be your first choice, just smile and wear it. It's ONE DAY of your entire life with them so it's not worth it to complain- to them or to your fiance.
A friend of mine got married and MA her in-laws are amazing people. They told her to pick any designer dress she wanted for her walima. Her response was that she thought it was silly to get such an expensive dress for just one day (or really, only a few hours) and that she would be content with anything they chose. In the end they bought her a stunning walima outfit and she wore it happily.
You know, as hard as it is to accept this. But I think you guys are right :) It's just a little difficult to accept that not everything can be your way :P But, lets see how it goes. Maybe she'll come around (hopefully, LOL)
I never looked at it from the perspective you're talking about Sahar. Thanks for that :) Your feedback has been much appreciated girls!
^ I guess I am speaking not only from my experience, but my family's as both my brothers are getting married this year, inshAllah. So I know how hard it is for the inlaws these days -- because they sincerely want to please the bride, brides are far more particular and knowledgeable these days (even more than when I got married 6 years ago, thanks to all the photos that are now available online), and inlaws still want something that they feel lives up to their own standards.
There we go then =) Just smile and wear it- i'm sure your walima outfit will be beautiful.
This reminds me of something though...one of my other friend's was supposed to get engaged last year...her potential in-laws told her that she could go and choose her engagement outfit and to leave it at the store and they would later go and pay for it. Well, she ended up choosing a $1500 dress and when the potential in-laws found out they were shocked at her thought-lessness. I mean....really...that's just blowing the budget. If her own parents had been buying the outfit she never would have chosen something so expensive. In the end there was no engagement because the guy's side didn't want to go through with it because of this incident. When I get engaged IA if my in-laws ask me to choose something, i'd just tell them to get something i'll wear it. It's not worth it to come across as seeming selfish and picky.
^ That's craziness. I guess it's tricky cuz they don't want to make it about the money, but it would be nice if they could've set a budget. Still, $1500 is a no-brainer. Ridiculous!
Strawberry...I totally think a bride should be able to pick her dress, and when I got married, I just didn't have the words to describe to my mother-in-law what I had in mind, so although I got a lovely dress, It wasn't what I would have wished for. It's very sweet that you're mother in law wants to make your dress, or gift it to you. In our culture, as you know, in-laws take this kind of thing to heart, for them it's a way of showing their daughter-in-law how welcome and respected and valued she will be to them. Maybe if you explained to her what you like, (and what you don't like).
I saw my dress the day before my walima, and my parents had told me if I said anything negative, they'd pull my ears out...lol. I think they were right, my mother-in-law looked so worried about my reaction, I realized her intentions were good. I am sure what ever you wear, you'll look and feel beautiful.
Also, is just me, or the windows really long in this forum? I have to scroll sideways for a long time read the threads!
^ I do think you can give images of things you like, but from experience, I would also suggest not restricting the selection too much because they might pass up something really lovely, in order to fit your specific criteria. The selection in Pakistan is truly AMAZING! And there is constantly something new, delicate, and different. It is hard for us sitting so far away, surfing the internet with the photos from big-name designers, to really imagine the kind of variety there is in the shops. So yeah, give them a sense of your style, but try not to be too restrictive.
It’s THEIR walima! I’m just bummed out that I can’t choose mine