Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress 
This is how I read it too. My issue is not with the dress itself its mostly with what the dress represents - a lack of respect for the OP and her family.
Apparently you should always respect your husband and his parents and keep quiet even though respect isn’t reciprocated. It doesn’t matter if the bride will hold on to this for her entire life but so long as her hubby and in laws are happy then everyone should be happy. Yeah right :halo:
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
. It seems like your husband and his family aren't even showing you any respect, or maybe I'm just reading the words wrong in my head, but I can't think of a tone that this would sound like they mean well in.
I think we need to actually read what the OP is writing and not make ASSUMPTIONS about her life or her relationship with her husband/in-laws.
As for whether or not her in-laws treat her with respect....below is what OP herself wrote about her in-laws. After reading the words below...I'm not sure how anyone can suggest that the husband or the in-laws don't respect OP or her family.
just to clarify...except few things like that. i love my inlaws. i really love them. they have given me so much respect and love that i am overwhelmed.
We need to stick with the issue at hand and not make it into something its not......OP already had her nikah and seems to have a great relationship with her in-laws and husband. This wedding dress seems to be the first major disagreement between OP and her husband(and his family). Does anyone here know of any marriage where everything is perfect and there is never any disagreements??
In order maintain the harmony she ALREADY has with her husband/in-laws....the OP will have to lose this one "battle". For whatever reason (the MIL due to tradition and the husband due to him being a guy and not realizing how important this is to OP)..........they're not "getting it". But for anyone to suggest that the in-laws or the husband doesn't respect or love OP due to this dress drama is ridiculous in my opinion. They may be blind to how much this is hurting OP....but not for a minute do I believe that they have any malicious intent towards her.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress
^^ I’m going to agree to disagree and leave it at that.
Yanzala I hope your dresses are beautiful you have an amazing wedding 
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
Sorry, I must have forgotten about that bit after reading it, well it's great that they do respect Yanzala then. I just wouldn't want it affecting her afterwards, she might choose to lose this battle, and then believe she can get over it but can't, it would be unfortunate for her to feel that just for tradition's sake they overlooked her happiness. I'm only saying this because it happened to me recently.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
^ overlooking happiness for traditions is very common in our desi communities.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
No wonder the resentment carries on down all those years ('I wasn't able to do it so why should she')..
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
"Delete"
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
awww....you know what the first time i had this talk with my husband and when he told me that i will have to wear what his sisters and bhabi chose for me i cried soooooo much. partially because i wasn't gonna get a dress of my dream and partially because i was really really hurt the way my husband talked to me. it's not fun being adult and making the right decision. sometimes the child in me wishes that the dress they buy for me gets stolen....or ruined somehow that i don't get to wear them. i wouldn't mind wearing some extra heavy joora out of my jahaiz cloths but not something they are going to get....but at the end i will HAVE to wear what they will give me. and that hurts a lot.....it's my wedding. nothing EVER be like that day again. not even my mehndi or wedding anniversary or any other occasion for rest of my lift. when i told my husband that if i don't like the dress i will get really upset and i might even cry he got mad at me for being materialistic and said i am shallow for crying over dresses. and that hurt me even more. It has been so many months since i am trying to console my self. but it's not working :( i am not materialistic. Wedding dresses are just much bigger deal than everyone thinks it is :(
Okay, I don't know if it's just me or if any of you other ladies are feeling it, but it seems that Yanzala's husband-to-be isn't an understanding person.
Now, I do not expect your husband-to-be to go yelling at his parents to make them buy the outfit you want. But, it worries me that he doesn't take your sadness and opinions seriously. He seems to be belittling your feelings and insulting you (shallow, materialistic) which is definitely not a good way to begin your married life.
You need to move past this wailing over the outfit and start talking about real things, like WHY IS YOUR HUSBAND NOT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR FEELINGS?
You need to talk to him rationally:
1. I would suggest sitting down with him, on a relaxing evening (NOT right when he gets back from work).
2. Explain rationally that you are saddened that you will not have a choice in the wedding outfit because of X, Y, Z reasons.
3. Then, explain that you have to come to terms with the decision but that you would like his support with your feelings.
4. Explain that you understand hubby-to-be is a rock stuck in the middle of this situation and no solution is easy.
5. You understand this battle isn't worth messing up your future relationship with your in-laws or each other.
I am really really worried about the interactions going on between you two. Hate to be harsh, but you both need to grow up and deal with this situation responsibly.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
my dear here is what you need to do.. stage a robbery ala Azhar ki Aye Gi Barat. Seriously!!!
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
He is wrong
But
She is marrying him. She cannot make a huge deal out of this because it will jeopardize her relationship with his family and him. Its just the way things are. It seems there isn't much she can really do about this/
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
My inlaws were supossed to choose my bridal dress but on their way for shopping they picked me up to join them, so i got to choose what i liked and approved by them. Cant they take you along too?
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
omg I was supposed to marry this guy and his mum had bought this horrendous outfit in advance - we had such an issue over it, my mum didn't like it either - thank goodness it didn't work out in the end.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
this, this and this. i cant say "this" enough times lol.
yea but then isn't the MIL acting like a child her self in this case. For desi girls their entire lives are spent according to other people's choices, views and wishes. Surely they can have a say in their own wedding dress without being singled out as selfish.
So if the future DIL is a little assertive about the fact that she wants a particular dress for her wedding day, she is compromising her future with the IL's, they won't respect her , she might not be their fav bahu all based on the fact that she chose her own wedding dress ??? That's really pushing it. Does it always have to be self sacrifice for us desi girls. The only thing constant is change. Traditions can be changed. Specially if it's making the bride unhappy.
Clearly for the OP its a big thing. At least they can ask for her input, take her along ?? Would that not be a very adult thing to do, to decide on a dress mutually? And if she is willing to pay that little extra, its not gonna look bad on the MIL. In fact the DIL will remember it for ever.
The MIL can concentrate on her son's clothes, her own clothes that of her hubby's or daughter's for the wedding. Its not like she won't be getting any chance to add her personal touches for the wedding ??
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
yea but then isn't the MIL acting like a child her self in this case. For desi girls their entire lives are spent according to other people's choices, views and wishes. Surely they can have a say in their own wedding dress without being singled out as selfish.
So if the future DIL is a little assertive about the fact that she wants a particular dress for her wedding day, she is compromising her future with the IL's, they won't respect her , she might not be their fav bahu all based on the fact that she chose her own wedding dress ??? That's really pushing it. Does it always have to be self sacrifice for us desi girls. The only thing constant is change. Traditions can be changed. Specially if it's making the bride unhappy.
Clearly for the OP its a big thing. At least they can ask for her input, take her along **?? **Would that not be a very adult thing to do, to decide on a dress mutually? And if she is willing to pay that little extra, its not gonna look bad on the MIL. In fact the DIL will remember it for ever.
The MIL can concentrate on her son's clothes, her own clothes that of her hubby's or daughter's for the wedding. Its not like she won't be getting any chance to add her personal touches for the wedding ??
First let me say that I completely agree with everything you wrote. The MIL is acting like a child. The adult thing to do in this situation is to take the bride long and decide mutually. I agree that this is unfair and one-sided.
The issue here is not whether or not the MIL is acting like a child or whether or not this "tradition" is fair. In OPs case....unfortunately, that's the situation and she can not do anything to change her MIL's views on this. The decision has been made. The in-laws have told her that she will not be any input on the dress. They have made it clear that this is not up for "discussion". Whether its fair or not....that's the situation.
Given the situation....now the real "issue" is whether or not the dress is worth fighting for. Is the wedding dress worth having constant fights with the future husband and POTENTIALLY causing tension with the in-laws for years to come? Is wearing that dress for one day worth giving your in-laws reason to talk bad about you for years to come?
Part of being an adult is that we all have to pick and choose our battles. Every-single-day we make choices based on what's important to us. This is no different. OP and other brides in her situation need to decide how important the wedding dress is to them and what they're willing to give up in order to get their "dream dress".
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
Okay, I don't know if it's just me or if any of you other ladies are feeling it, but it seems that Yanzala's husband-to-be isn't an understanding person.
Now, I do not expect your husband-to-be to go yelling at his parents to make them buy the outfit you want. But, it worries me that he doesn't take your sadness and opinions seriously. He seems to be belittling your feelings and insulting you (shallow, materialistic) which is definitely not a good way to begin your married life.
You need to move past this wailing over the outfit and start talking about real things, like WHY IS YOUR HUSBAND NOT ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR FEELINGS?
You need to talk to him rationally: 1. I would suggest sitting down with him, on a relaxing evening (NOT right when he gets back from work). 2. Explain rationally that you are saddened that you will not have a choice in the wedding outfit because of X, Y, Z reasons. 3. *Then, explain that you have to come to terms with the decision but that you would like his support with your feelings. **4. Explain that you understand hubby-to-be is a rock stuck in the middle of this situation and no solution is easy. 5. **You understand this battle isn't worth messing up your future relationship with your in-laws or each other. * I am really really worried about the interactions going on between you two. Hate to be harsh, but you both need to grow up and deal with this situation responsibly.
I actually disagree with your views on her fiance. Yes, he should be more supportive of her. But I don't believe his behavior is a sign of disrespect towards her or lack of love. Men think differently than women. To most men....wedding outfits, jewelry, make-up etc. doesn't mean much. They don't understand why we make a big deal out of it. Even my own fiance....he knows all of this is important to me....but he thinks its silly that amount of time/effort I spent on my wedding outfit/make-up etc.
I believe OP's fiance is thinking about "real things".....such as their marriage and future. I believe he wants OP to stop bringing up an issue that he considers insignificant in the long-run. I believe he's annoyed at being put in the middle of his mother and his fiance .....even BEFORE the baraat he's having to hear negative things about his family's decisions. I don't know any man who wants to be in his position. He wants OP to realize that this battle isn't worth fighting and stop venting to him about it (b/c that's his mother that she's venting about!). Asking him to support OP is the same as asking him to go against his mother. And at this point in their young relationship....its unfair to put him in that situation.
OPs guy sounds a lot of like other guys I know in real life. He does not think this is a big deal and he wants to move past this, and go on with their future. Part of moving past this also means her not constantly bringing it up to him and expecting him to verbally go against his family.
The situation sucks. It's unfair. But that's how it will be. OP knows it. Her fiance realized that first time OP brought it up to him that she's unhappy about his mother's decision. He doesn't want to be reminded of it constantly. He wants her to move on and focus on the future.....especially in a situation where OP herself stated that other than this dress issue, her in-laws treat her great.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
^ I don't know any men that are like how you just described them, all the men I know of, and I mean every single one cares alot about looks. Maybe not with the specific details that a woman has to consider though.
And it is a big deal, there wouldn't be such a big issue if there wasn't. So for the fiance to try to ignore it is ridiculous, you're bound to fight over little things when married as well, what's gonna happen then, just ignore it and it'll go away? And I don't think Yanzala is venting about his mother, it's about one decision his mother has made. Ignoring the OP's feelings at any point no matter how small the matter, makes it seem like her feelings are insignificant, which is something that I personally would not be able to handle.
Another possibility is that Yanzala's fiance may think that his family has good taste so there is nothing for her to worry about, that happened to me, but I convinced my fiance to give me more time before making a decision on whether their taste in clothes is good, and in the mean time to let me choose my engagement clothes.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
In all likelihood, the strict approach toward her is due to experience from past weddings and for some reason they are reacting to her to prevent or control what happened before. It's not logical or rational. It's just what I've seen happen.
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
^ I don't know any men that are like how you just described them, all the men I know of, and I mean every single one cares alot about looks. Maybe not with the specific details that a woman has to consider though.
Where did I say in my post that men don't care about looks? When it comes to a bride's outfit...how many men you know care whether or not the outfit is red, purple, green, blue etc? How many men do you know who care about the type of kaam the outfit has or whether or not its a long shirt or a short shirt? That's what I'm referring to. Of course men care about looks. OP husband's would not have married her (their nikaah is already done) if he didn't find her attractive. OP is freaked out over specifics of the dress which is normal for us women. But for most men....no, they don't care about it to the extent that we do. Do you know groom's who get upset b/c someone else choose their outfit? How many groom's get an input on their outfit color (don't we always make it match the bride's outfit?)? That's my point. It's not the men don't care about how their wives look. But most aren't going to cause a major fight with their families and take a chance at creating bitter feelings that can linger for years over an outfit they're going to wear 1 day.
And it is a big deal, there wouldn't be such a big issue if there wasn't. So for the fiance to try to ignore it is ridiculous, you're bound to fight over little things when married as well, what's gonna happen then, just ignore it and it'll go away? And I don't think Yanzala is venting about his mother, it's about one decision his mother has made. Ignoring the OP's feelings at any point no matter how small the matter, makes it seem like her feelings are insignificant, which is something that I personally would not be able to handle.
Of course people fight over little things when married. But in a long-term happy marriage....each spouse also needs to decide what's worth fighting for. I never said the issues should be ignored. OP brought up her feelings to her husband. From her posts, it sounds like he told her that she'll just have to deal with it b/c he's not going to cause an argument with his family by bringing this up. Now OP needs to decide whether or not this dress is worth starting her married life with continuous arguments with her husband. Her husband never ignored her issues...but he disagrees with her views on it.
Just like you said....married life consists of many things that bother us and many arguments/fights. We can not and will not win every single argument. We need to prioritize and decide what truly matters to us and how far we're willing to go to get it. In my relationship....a dress (even on my wedding day) is not worth having a fight with the person I love. Other women might feel differently and I understand that. In OPs situation she's already married and other than this, according to her the in-laws treat her really good. Why take the chance in ruining the good relationship she already has with them?
And yes, by venting to him about the decision his mother made....she's basically venting to him about his mother. He realized the very first time she brought it upto him that she's not happy with his mother's decision. He doesn't need to be constantly reminded of it. Even as a woman...if my guy constantly kept reminding me about a decision my mother made that he wasn't happy with....I'd get irritated too. Does anyone reading this enjoy being reminded of multiple times that their fiance/spouse is unhappy with a decision their family made? Especially a decision that physically effects 1 day of their life? (and yes, as a woman getting married in 2 months...I understand 1st hand just how important the dress is to women).
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(
@Paheli00 .. totally, I couldn't agree more.. being a woman I totally understand its a huge issue.. but is it big enough to put your awesome relationship into jeopardy? not at all!
Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress
I find that men are alot more critical of women and their decisions regarding what they wear, I’ve heard countless times things like what you’ve just said, colour, length and other stuff. And I know men who wouldn’t be happy with someone else choosing their outfit but the truth is it doesn’t tend to happen to grooms. And nowadays alot of men, just like women have considered what they wanna wear on their wedding day and would not be happy any other way. If the groom’s clothes were bought before the bride’s then it’s likely that the bride’s would be made to match the groom’s, but due to the amount of kaam that is usually on a bride’s it’s understandable that it basically never happens. I’m not saying men don’t care what their wives look like, I’m disagreeing with what you said and I’m saying they do understand us women and our obsessive ways when it comes to the time and effort we make on ourselves. It would be ridiculous to fight and allow yourself to feel bittter for years over a wedding dress, but that doesn’t mean there’s no reason to talk it over, there doesn’t need to be continuous arguments.
I don’t think that means she’s venting about his mother, because the OP obviously loves her new family and doesn’t have the anger to be venting about her but just the decision. I don’t think I would personally get irritated. Obviously not enjoy being reminded but if Yanzala feels it’s neccessary, then I feel it’s understandable.
Best wishes Paheli 