inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

[S02]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

^ That's true. It does seem unreasonably strict. But the OP has said that otherwise they have been very good to her and she is very happy in her relationship with her IL. So what's the point in dwelling on this issue, if it's not going to change?

I am most surprised by her fiance's unwillingness to hear her out.

[terebina786]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

^^ She's happy now with their relationship but this dress issue is obviously weighing heavily on her.

[somegroovychick]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

@Sahar02

I guess the point is that a wedding is as good a time as any to learn a few lessons: 1. You are not a child any more. 2. Your actions and words reflect not only on you, but also on your parents, and upbringing. So make sure that your behavior is worthy of the people who have raised you. 3. (Married) life is about balancing lots of different relationships, more than just the obvious ones that exist in a nuclear family. 4. A wedding is important for the couple, but it is just as important for the close family and friends. ALL of these people have been dreaming about this big day. 5. Things don't always go as we planned or as we want. We have to be flexible and compromise in order to get the most out of a given situation. 6. Your spouse's family is your own now, with all the angst and love that entails :D 7. There are lots of different ways to show love, care, and respect. Sometimes seeing them means looking beyond the obvious.

this, this and this. i cant say "this" enough times lol.

[Sweetmoi]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Another case of "Chose your battles wisely" ...

[Paheli00]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

@Sahar02

^ That's true. It does seem unreasonably strict. But the OP has said that otherwise they have been very good to her and she is very happy in her relationship with her IL. So what's the point in dwelling on this issue, if it's not going to change?

Well, I know with my own wedding coming up in about 2 months....I'm dwelling on every single issue! Even thought in my head...I know many of these issues won't matter at all a few weeks/months after the wedding....nevertheless emotionally, right now its hard for me not to dwell on them. I imagine OP is going through the same thing. Assuming the in-laws treat her with respect/kindness in every other way...I'm sure after the wedding, with some time....she won't dwell on this daily. But right now, as the planning is going on.....I can imagine how frustrating it must be for her to not even have a clue as to what she will look like on her "big day".

@Sahar02

I am most surprised by her fiance's unwillingness to hear her out

^ Agreed. I'm surprised he's not being a bit more supportive. I don't expect him to go against his family's traditions....but he can at least ease OP's fears by communications thoughts on both side (ie. he can tell her what his mother's taste is when it comes to brides....and he can also share OPs likes/dislikes with his mother and encourage the mother to at least consider them when choosing the outfit).

[rabia3983]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Here is my story...3 month before the wedding my MIL told me that they only will be paying for the valima outfit and the shadi outfit my mom n i have to get. I worked two jobs to save money for my wedding and had just bought a $1500 ticket to go to pakistan and pick everything out. I didn't even have money to get my own bridal :'( anyways we cut out a lot of things and got me a bridal.

While i was there i was to go shopping with my IL for my valima outfit. They were suppose to meet me at Liberty, but SIL called and said MIL isn't feeling well and wont be able to do it that day (mind u i was there only for 10 days.) Later that night my fiance called (he was back in the US,) and told me that his father has deceided that i can only buy my valima outfit frm One Store (his friends store)...located in Bano bazaar. My fiance asked me to me understanding, and just go to that one store. My mom is VERY stubburns and told me to just say NO to every outfit they show me. BUT I Spent almost 3 hours...and put together my valima outfit. It turned OK.

I have been married for 1 1/2 year now mA and to this day my INlaws and my husband appricate me so much. Some times you have to look at the bigger picture...and remember whats more important. Just thank Allah swt that u have the means to have a beautiful wedding and that you have such a loving family (in-laws.)

[terebina786]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

@somegroovychick

this, this and this. i cant say "this" enough times lol.

OP has NO input. It'll be a totally different situation if OP's MIL asked what colour, style, you know got OP involved a little bit in what she will be wearing but she's not. I would not be opposed to my MIL getting my dress so long as she atleast asked me what I wanted. Is it THAT hard? Doesn't that reflect on the MIL's upbringing or her attitude in general? I know if my MIL behaved that way my family would NOT be impressed with her. It would reflect badly on her and her family. It goes both ways. Why are older people allowed to get away with this kind of behaviour yet when the younger generation dares to defy a tradition, if that, it reflects badly on their parents and upbringing, yadda, yadda, yadda... I still don't get it.

[somegroovychick]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

This is what I don't get. Why do the in-laws feelings trump that of the bride? What about the bride's bad feelings to come? What if the bride can't forget and can't get over it? You know these things come out years later in some convoluted argument. And a lot of people are saying its "just a dress" to the bride and she should focus on the impending marriage so why isn't it "just a dress" to the MIL?

^ Yeah I see your point (to somegroovychick)- Ive never heard of this tradition etc and I pray it doesnt happen to me - lol

I think the husband should compromise if he knows his wife reaally wants to choose her own dress he should consider it - maybe take his wife and mum together to choose the dress...

Also what about the years of bad feelings the bride is going to have? (please dont argue about it being a materialistic thing and the bride needs to see the bigger picture - I could argue the same thing about the in-laws) why should the women be expected to get over it? Her in-laws dont own her...

Im not having a go at you hun - Im just trying to figure it out and am like reaally surprised by this...

[and theres a tiny chance Im imaging myself in the OP shoes hence my defensive stance ;)]

sigh, i honestly don't know... because your mil is your mil? i know it seems unreasonable but she IS your husband's mother and after marriage, will be your family too, of as much importance to you as your mother will be to your husband. you will have to find ways to compromise with her, and if she is unrelenting, you'll have to let it go. because if you don't, its going to become a bigger issue than it's worth. you have to pick your battles.
is it entirely fair? no. but if that is what your mil wants, is it worth fighting with her over? definitely not worth it. you'll make your entry into their family in a hostile, resentful environment and that's just a bad scene from the get-go.

try putting yourself in her shoes. maybe she is a traditionalist through and through in which case, honestly, i'd be more concerned about life after marriage and other, bigger decisions you might differ on, such as how to raise your future children. maybe this is her only son or the baby in her family. maybe she is struggling with letting go of her son knowing that once he's married, his first priority will be you, and this is her way of ensuring she stays important in his life- and yours. being a mil is just as fraught with emotions as being a bride. (i'd even say its more than that because i have a son and i can't imagine one day another woman coming along who is going to be his number 1 and displace me. wahhh! and he's only 7 months hah. oyyyy.... trust that i'll be posting here about being a mil and what to do :p)

honestly, in this case, the OP's fiance should be the go-between in this case to ensure everyone is happy, and he's not stepping up, unfortunately. other than that, there doesn't seem to be much recourse unless her mom has a heart to heart with the mil and suggests some input from the bride.

[S02]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

tb: It does reflect on her. But will that change how the OP should react?

[somegroovychick]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

@terebina786

OP has NO input. It'll be a totally different situation if OP's MIL asked what colour, style, you know got OP involved a little bit in what she will be wearing but she's not. I would not be opposed to my MIL getting my dress so long as she atleast asked me what I wanted. Is it THAT hard? Doesn't that reflect on the MIL's upbringing or her attitude in general? I know if my MIL behaved that way my family would NOT be impressed with her. It would reflect badly on her and her family. It goes both ways. Why are older people allowed to get away with this kind of behaviour yet when the younger generation dares to defy a tradition, if that, it reflects badly on their parents and upbringing, yadda, yadda, yadda... I still don't get it.

if you have your family's support and it sounds like you very much do mA, then i don't think you need to be concerned with running into a situation like that with your future inlaws. in this case, i don't think the OP's family- mom, khala, sister, whomever- is stepping up either and relaying the bride's concerns to the mil. the bride cannot handle it on her own. and yes, it absolutely reflects on the mil's controlling nature, but there could be other reasons underlying her behaviour. the question is, with all else being perfect for the OP (and it sounds like it is mA), is it worth fighting over? and if you know there cannot be any change in the situation, is it worth stressing over?

[LucyMay]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

^^ (terebina's post) I think it's a case of people being stubborn about traditions. I have no problem with in laws buying the outfit, but wouldn't it have been just easier on everyone if they considered the bride's opinion too? What's the harm in taking her along to shop for an outfit on HER biggest day? They can pick up something everyone likes, plus they get a chance to bond with each other too.

[yanzala]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress

@Paheli00

One of my fiance’s friend’s wife went through something like this last year. Her dad died years ago so it’s just her mom. But his family is super rich and coordinated the entire wedding (they hired Shahrukh Khan and Bipasha Basu to perform at the wedding…their wedding planner was the same one that did Aishwarya’s wedding). Groom’s family paid for and controlled the wedding entirely. It was held in India and believe me when I say this (I attended ALL the events in Delhi)…majority of us girls would consider it to be our “dream” wedding. No expense was spared.

Yet the bride was absolutely miserable. She and her fiance went to India like a week before the wedding. ALL her outfits, jewelry, make-up, hair etc…every-single-thing was chosen by her MIL. She also wanted a simple wedding and the ridiculously lavish events made her super uncomfortable. The groom himself told us these things during the events.

I’ve met her/spoken to her a few times since then. She admits how miserable she was. But now…a year later…she says her only regret is focusing so much on her own misery during the events. She says she wishes she put more effort in enjoying her friends/family/husband. B/C now a year later…she doesn’t even really care anymore about the outfits (and yes, she admits she hated them all…despite all of them being expensive designer pieces). So yea…you’re definately not the only one who has experienced this.

OP:
I know this is easy for us to say but hard for you to follow…but you don’t know for a fact that you’ll hate the outfit. No matter how small…there still is a possibility that you’ll like the outfit. But even if you don’t…don’t allow that to ruin your entire experience. Are you having a mehendi? If so…do you get to pick outfit for that?

And as others have said…you can plan something for your 1st anniversary and have total control over that.

this is what my biggest worry is that i won’t be able to enjoy my wedding. even though i already know it’s not a big deal and all that i have cried so many times thinking about it. i don’t want to ruin my wedding regardless of any reason. but i have no idea how to control my emotion. there is no turn on and off button in my brain.

@tea1234

yanzala,

not sure if it will make you feel better or not…when my aunt was getting married har saas came from another province to see her for the first time and dropped the bomb on all of us saying in their family the tradition is to wear the wedding dress of the bahu of the elder brother…my uncle has brothers who got married before him so she brough 3 dresses of the bahus and my aunt had to choose the best of the 3 got it dry cleaned and wore it on the wedding..she looked beautiful…
she just didn’t want to ruin the relationship with her saas…her saas(may Allah tala forgives her sins and give her a place in Jannah) didn’t really want my uncle to marry her so she MAY have said what she said because of it..but in the end my aunt was her most beloved bahu and she only trusted her…

so point of this post is that atleast you are getting dresses that are new and only made for you..

Count your blessings…

so true, i am glad i don’t have to deal with anything like this. Alhamdulilah!

@Panache

You can do what most of the girls 're doing is make ur barat day outfit and let inlaws make the Valima only in that way u can wear ur choice of the dress otherwise be cool as this is what most inlaws do and you just can’t force them so b happy n just don’t spoil ur happiness over such issues u can’t do anything

@ZareenKhan

this is strange! i can understand the inlaws wanting to be part of the wedding dress selection process however its the bride who is going 2 wear the dress so it might as well be of her choice . why r people weird like that?!

i dnt really know watelse 2 say…i know it must be a hurting the bride alot bt i guess the only choice she has is to be the bigger person and accept it and let it be.

i can’t chose any day outfit either barat or walima. i think i am being a bigger person, i have not argued them about it. i have talked to my husband and he has strongly told me off that his family will chose the outfilt and i will have to wear them. i have not said anything since but i just can’t stop hurting.

@LucyMay

yanzala, do you have any SILs that will go shopping with your MIL for your outfits? Or maybe your hubby will go? you can talk to them and drop hints about what you like and dislike. That way at least they won’t choose a color and style that you absolutely hate..

@Deeba1234

This.. maybe also show pics of stuff you really like so he could pass on those preferences to his mum (he could say that’s what he’d like as well so she might not be as dismissive)..

i can’t go shopping with them because i don’t live in pakistan and i won’t be coming to pakistan early enough to shop for my wedding dress and also my husband has already told me they will be picking it and everything so i can’t tell them color, style, pictures. they haven’t even asked me about it either.

@KashmiriSadozai

Wow…I saw the title and my jaw dropped…I totally understand how devastating this would be. Im just like you in the sense I have a very clear idea of what I want as my wedding dress and If my in-laws said they’d choose the barat dress I would be very upset.

Im sorry but it is a very big deal - this is your wedding day and it should be a memorable event - girls spend a lot of time planning for this day - yes I understand there will be compromises that would have to be made but the bridal dress - geez - im like astounded - its fine if they wana select the walima dress - but choosing the barat dress is not cool.

I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel - maybe tell him what type of dress you would prefer or tell him that you want to go along with your mother in law when she chooses the dress.

I feel for you hun - I think I would put up a fight/stance if this happened to me - choosing my own bridal dress means a lot to me - i dont expect every1 to understand that - bt yeah - good luck

thank you. please keep me in your dua that i don’t get hurt that much when i see the dresses

@somegroovychick

^ is it worth the years of bad feelings that will follow though?

i don’t know how it’s going to hurt my relationship with anyone when i am not even arguing to them about anything. i am just hurting inside. i am not making a big deal in front of either his family or my family. i don’t think it means to dulha walay as much. my husband is not their only son. they have 5 sons. two of them already married and they had their way with other sons’ marriages. but INSHALLAH TALA this is my ONLY wedding and my arman are only assosiated with this wedding.

@terebina786

This is what I don’t get. Why do the in-laws feelings trump that of the bride? What about the bride’s bad feelings to come? What if the bride can’t forget and can’t get over it? You know these things come out years later in some convoluted argument. And a lot of people are saying its “just a dress” to the bride and she should focus on the impending marriage so why isn’t it “just a dress” to the MIL?

this is so true despite of their nice and loving attitude with me…there is always going to be this sore spot in my heart that they didn’t give me that oen small happiness of getting my own wedding dress which would have made such a big difference.

@Lusi

I think we all have many dreams about our wedding days and wedding dress in particular. I remember saving tons of pictures for my prospective wedding dress, making designs from scratch of my wedding dress, saving certain color palates, etc. Anyhow, when the time came, I had to choose from ready made options and even at that I didn’t really choose my wedding or nikkah dress but my mother did. At the end of the day, it did not matter who choose the dress for me but the fact that my mother was able cherish the moment with me.

Let the MIL cherish the moment of her son getting married. Like many people said, you have rest of your life to choose whatever you want to wear.

as i said before. my husband is not their only son. they have already cherish the moment twice before. i hardly doubt it means to them even closely as much as it does to me.

@Lusi

Someone needs to remind the bride that her wedding is not something she only dreams about but the family their entire life. The MIL is dreaming about her son’s wedding, the moment she gives birth to that child of hers.

Again, at the end it is not about your or mine event but balancing it to make it our event. Marriage is all about balancing relationships. Planning a wedding is the first step or test of how well you can do it.

if my husband was her only son, or their only brother i would have understood your point. to me it’s my one and only weddinG INSHALLAH for them it’s one of the many wedding that they will do in their family.

@terebina786

Also, I would like to add many of you had input in your dresses - be it colour, style, etc. The OP does not have any. She’s pretty much wearing it sight unseen. Which to me is a little unfair and the MIL should compromise a bit in this situation.

Yanzala - I’m not laughing at you and I’m not going to tell you you’re materialistic because if I were in your shoes I would feel the same way. I’m also not going to tell you to get over it because its not as easy for some people as it is for others. Are they choosing the clothes for every event? If you really don’t want to say anything to your inlaws and you have creative control over atleast one of your outfits (like maybe the mehndi?) I would totally go overboard with it and pull out all the stops. You should have SOME input on the things you wear during your wedding.

i am getting my own mehndi dress. but honeslty it’s not the same at all. but still thank you so much for understanding my point.

@terebina786

^^ She’s happy now with their relationship but this dress issue is obviously weighing heavily on her.

exactly! i really don’t have any complains from them other than this issue which unfortunately is a huge deal to me.

[yanzala]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

@somegroovychick

if you have your family's support and it sounds like you very much do mA, then i don't think you need to be concerned with running into a situation like that with your future inlaws. in this case, i don't think the OP's family- mom, khala, sister, whomever- is stepping up either and relaying the bride's concerns to the mil. the bride cannot handle it on her own. and yes, it absolutely reflects on the mil's controlling nature, but there could be other reasons underlying her behaviour. the question is, with all else being perfect for the OP (and it sounds like it is mA), is it worth fighting over? and if you know there cannot be any change in the situation, is it worth stressing over?

i am not fighting over it....but i have no idea how not to be feeling hurt over it. i am at the point where just looking at some bride makes me feel really sad

[S02]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

^InshAllah you will be rewarded for your approach.

No matter what I am sure you will look stunning, iA.

[somegroovychick]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

^ exactly what sahar said. you are being lovely and patient even though you are upset about it. hang in there! insha'Allah the outfits will be stunning and you will be very happy hug

[flawedsoul]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

Aww yanzala, I feel like giving you a big hug! Hang in there, you'll definitely be rewarded inshAllah.

[yanzala]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

@Sahar02

^InshAllah you will be rewarded for your approach.

No matter what I am sure you will look stunning, iA.

@somegroovychick

^ exactly what sahar said. you are being lovely and patient even though you are upset about it. hang in there! insha'Allah the outfits will be stunning and you will be very happy hug

@flawedsoul

Aww yanzala, I feel like giving you a big hug! Hang in there, you'll definitely be rewarded inshAllah.

awww...thank you ladies...i am glad i vent out here :)

[ZareenKhan]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress

I feel for you yanzla! But you are being wise by keeping silent about it but somehow i just can’t bring myself to understand why people do this. This is really unfair and no matter what anyone says but this is not to be done and nobody can justify it in any which way.

[KashmiriSadozai]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

@yanzala

thank you. please keep me in your dua that i don't get hurt that much when i see the dresses

InshAllah - ill pray for you - and InshAllah you will look drop dead gorjus.

As for me - this is a well learned lesson - Im marrying a gora - ill convert him and mould him into adopting my selection of Pakistani traditions...Aaaand I choose my own dress -YAY :D LOL

[mizzm]

Re: inlaws choosing wedding dress :(

I agree with everyone's comments about patience and the reminder to be careful of actions that may create a huge impact in your future as a wife.

My input:

It's tough being a bride. A lot of times, everyone around us forgets that it's **our **big day and begins making decisions for us. Dont forget that the Ruksati and Valima
days are simply two days of your life, and a beginning to the rest of your life with your hubby (IA).

Yeah, you're gonna always remember what you wore on your wedding days but after after everyone initially wants to see your pics and all the details of your wedding, it's on the next bride to be.
I'm not trying to be mean or say that it's an unimportant day, I'm just saying that while it holds value, it will be **A **day with plenty of more happy days to come!

How does your mom feel about this? If this truly is an unbearable issue, then perhaps she can ask a little about it but my suggestion is dont get involved with something that might impact your relationship with your inlaws forever.