^ is it worth the years of bad feelings that will follow though?
This is what I don't get. Why do the in-laws feelings trump that of the bride? What about the bride's bad feelings to come? What if the bride can't forget and can't get over it? You know these things come out years later in some convoluted argument. And a lot of people are saying its "just a dress" to the bride and she should focus on the impending marriage so why isn't it "just a dress" to the MIL?
^ Yeah I see your point (to somegroovychick)- Ive never heard of this tradition etc and I pray it doesnt happen to me - lol
I think the husband should compromise if he knows his wife reaally wants to choose her own dress he should consider it - maybe take his wife and mum together to choose the dress...
Also what about the years of bad feelings the bride is going to have? (please dont argue about it being a materialistic thing and the bride needs to see the bigger picture - I could argue the same thing about the in-laws) why should the women be expected to get over it? Her in-laws dont own her...
Im not having a go at you hun - Im just trying to figure it out and am like reaally surprised by this...
[and theres a tiny chance Im imaging myself in the OP shoes hence my defensive stance ;)]
LOL I just posted the same thing you did.
I was trying to put myself on OP's shoes as well but I really can't imagine just letting my MIL do this. I would politely say no thank you.. even if it meant paying for it myself. If the guy didn't wanna marry me after that then so be it, his loss not mine.
I think we all have many dreams about our wedding days and wedding dress in particular. I remember saving tons of pictures for my prospective wedding dress, making designs from scratch of my wedding dress, saving certain color palates, etc. Anyhow, when the time came, I had to choose from ready made options and even at that I didn't really choose my wedding or nikkah dress but my mother did. At the end of the day, it did not matter who choose the dress for me but the fact that my mother was able cherish the moment with me.
Let the MIL cherish the moment of her son getting married. Like many people said, you have rest of your life to choose whatever you want to wear.
Someone needs to remind the MIL its not her wedding LOL... I don't understand why her cherishing is more important than the bride cherishing something she's dreamed of her ENTIRE life.
Someone needs to remind the bride that her wedding is not something she only dreams about but the family their entire life. The MIL is dreaming about her son's wedding, the moment she gives birth to that child of hers.
Again, at the end it is not about your or mine event but balancing it to make it our event. Marriage is all about balancing relationships. Planning a wedding is the first step or test of how well you can do it.
Hey girl !
I was so concerned about mine but I was surprised what I got. It was beautiful beyond my expectations.
And inshallah you will look pretty no matter what you are wearing as I often say "Larkiyan to hoti he piyaree hain"
App ko tow khush hona chiya ka app ky sasuraali app kay liya chaahat rekh rehay hain.. Warna aksar sasurali to care bhi nahin kertay kia ho raha hay :P.So chillaax kabhi kabhi chotay moty compromises kernay perhty hain :).
Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, or in today's world, for today's bride. But the tradition wasn't established as some heartless attempt to take away the bride's free will.
........... If you are in a situation where your inlaws want to give you a gift that is your bridal jora, accusing them of being "weird" is not the right approach.
Can you please enlighten me as to why this great tradition was established? And exactly what great benefit does it have for the bride or anyone at all except that it purely shows the mentality of the people who want to run everything their own way!
If the laws really want to be nice and gift both day dresses, they can always do that but a gift doesnt mean they can't get the girl to pick it out herself or atleast have her preferences in check while picking the outfit for her. Honestly, i can't believe you women..at one side you guys talk about being fair to the women blah blah but on the other side you guys refuse to admit that these traditions are bogus.
Someone needs to remind the MIL its not her wedding LOL... I don't understand why her cherishing is more important than the bride cherishing something she's dreamed of her ENTIRE life.
Growing up I remember resenting what seemed perfectly “normal” things that I lacked but my friends or cousins sometimes had. It was frustrating that my parents were not apparently as rich or as generous as theirs. But then after a while the realization dawned on me that my sense of entitlement was unwarranted because it was not my right that I should have everything I desire. I mean what if if I were born into one of the millions of households that do not have access to basic food, shelter, security, etc? Thus instead of feeling sad at things that were outside my control, I tried to be more appreciative of all the blessings I had because things could have been a lot worse.
Coming to the concern of OP, I think styles/fashion change, sometimes quite drastically, when it comes to sartorial choices at desi weddings. Chances are even if you pick up something that is keeping up with the latest fashion and looks incredibly stylish now, a few years down the lane, when new styles or trends will inevitably emerge, you might very well start finding your wedding dress old-fashioned/funny/bland, etc. Also sometimes we covet something not so much because we really want it but because we want to keep up with the Joneses or are worried about “what will others think?” I am sure your in-laws are not sadists and will not pick something that does not look great, but even if they did, your well-wishers and the guests who are happy at your wedding will likely still find you one of the most ravishing brides they have seen. Yes, some aunties might laugh but there is little need to care much for them because they would still laugh/find some other aspect of your wedding to carp about even if you chose the most stunning dress. We can’t be perfect right?
Plus remember wedding is for one day and marriage is for a lifetime. Yes, wedding is one of the most important milestones of your life, but you will have many many other occasions where you can dress to the nine to your heart’s desire. So l would suggest not letting this issue get you down. You have our best wishes. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and a beautiful, blissful marriage. :k:
I think it's not about the inlaws trumping the bride. That would be if this decision to make the clothes came out of the blue. But it is not out of the blue. It is how it's been done for generations. So they aren't doing it to take away something from the bride. They are doing it as part of what they give to the bride, something that has always been done. I'm not saying that just because it's always been done, it should continue. I am saying that you can't approach it with this, "no fair, waah waah injustice!" attitude. Because it doesn't accurately reflect what's going on.
Can you please enlighten me as to why this great tradition was established? And exactly what great benefit does it have for the bride or anyone at all except that it purely shows the mentality of the people who want to run everything their own way!
If the laws really want to be nice and gift both day dresses, they can always do that but a gift doesnt mean they can't get the girl to pick it out herself or atleast have her preferences in check while picking the outfit for her. Honestly, i can't believe you women..at one side you guys talk about being fair to the women blah blah but on the other side you guys refuse to admit that these traditions are bogus.
!
Who said the traditions can't change? I'm just saying that your portrayal of why they are doing it is incorrect and immature.
As for why the tradition started, I'm not sure. My Karachi-based family has roots in Lucknow and Delhi. In both places, the bridal and valima joras come as part of the barri. It's something I have seen is all of our family weddings, those of my aunts and uncles and those of my cousins as well. It is only the most recent weddings, in the last few years, where some of the brides have insisted on getting the jora themselves, and so they have. Most of the time that's not what happens. In all cases the MIL has asked the bride what she wants. In some cases, the MIL has picked something in line very close to what the bride wants, in some cases it has been close in MIL's eyes, but not in the bride's, in some cases the MIL didn't know much about what the bride wanted and ended up picking what she thought was best. In ALL cases, the selection has been out of love and a desire to give the bride something that is beautiful and suitable for her, and something that reflects how she feels her bahu should be received.
Do you think part of the problem is that girls are encouraged to obsess about their wedding day as the biggest day in their lives, and the biggest accomplishment of their lifetime?
Not to offend anyone but I certainly do not find anything 'weird',even in today's age with the ILs choosing a dress for the bride.
In our family (Punjabi) I had always seen that the wedding day dress was from the girl's side and the walima outfit from the groom's side.I had it the same way and my sister had it the same way last year.I recall my aunts had it the same way when we were growing up.No one has ever had any issues.
My MIL asked me color preferences and she got something acc to that.If I were to pick something it would have not been something like that but I wore it,looked nice,have nice walima photos from that day and I live happily.
I got some jewellery from my MIL.I do not like it and have hardly worn it.It is just there for me to pay zakat on it.BUT the thing is that it was hers.She gave something she had to every DIL and I just do not have the heart to sell it.
sometimes you have to think above and beyond yourself.I agree it is a special day for a bride and that she for sure should have a say in what she gets to wear on all the days and be able to choose whatever she likes,but you gotta respect family values and traditions and feelings.It is one of the first things in establishing new relationships..
To the OP..Congrats on your wedding and iA whatever they'll get you will be great and you will look good as a bride...:)
I guess the point is that a wedding is as good a time as any to learn a few lessons:
1. You are not a child any more.
2. Your actions and words reflect not only on you, but also on your parents, and upbringing. So make sure that your behavior is worthy of the people who have raised you.
3. (Married) life is about balancing lots of different relationships, more than just the obvious ones that exist in a nuclear family.
4. A wedding is important for the couple, but it is just as important for the close family and friends. ALL of these people have been dreaming about this big day.
5. Things don't always go as we planned or as we want. We have to be flexible and compromise in order to get the most out of a given situation.
6. Your spouse's family is your own now, with all the angst and love that entails :D
7. There are lots of different ways to show love, care, and respect. Sometimes seeing them means looking beyond the obvious.
Do you think part of the problem is that girls are encouraged to obsess about their wedding day as the biggest day in their lives, and the biggest accomplishment of their lifetime?
Yes I do. And the reason being is its been ingrained in us as a society. I'm 27, not married, don't care to be, and people look at me like "oh poor you you're not married" like I've failed in life. And who is doing this? All the old aunties in my family - the same aunties who insist on chosing their DILs clothes.
^ Yeah, I think we become so invested in seeing this day as the height of beauty, fashion, taste, etc. But our life should not be downhill after the wedding day. And it should not be empty of these things without a wedding day.
Also, I would like to add many of you had input in your dresses - be it colour, style, etc. The OP does not have any. She's pretty much wearing it sight unseen. Which to me is a little unfair and the MIL should compromise a bit in this situation.
Yanzala - I'm not laughing at you and I'm not going to tell you you're materialistic because if I were in your shoes I would feel the same way. I'm also not going to tell you to get over it because its not as easy for some people as it is for others. Are they choosing the clothes for every event? If you really don't want to say anything to your inlaws and you have creative control over atleast one of your outfits (like maybe the mehndi?) I would totally go overboard with it and pull out all the stops. You should have SOME input on the things you wear during your wedding.
I don't know where this culture came from, and it runs in our family too....but since I was a little kid, I've found it to be a really ridic thing. I remember my aunt crying when she saw her wedding dress. And since then, I've always hoped I'd be able to buy my own wedding dress. I'm the first in our family to break this tradition. My MIL was okay with me getting my own dress, thankfully. She was a little hesitant about my colours but she didn't care too much. She did wanna get me something for the nikkah though, so I let her. She's doing nikkah dress, I'm doing mehndi and Reception.
Anyway, so yeah...hun, I totally get how you feel. I've always been very particular about my clothes for big events, and especially for an event like your own wedding - it's very natural for you to want to wear what you want. And it really is a silly tradition. In my opinion, the MIL can still celebrate and partake in her son's wedding without choosing the bride's dress. Choose the son's clothes, throw in whatever rasams that make her happy - but bride's wishes should always be kept in check when it comes to HER dress. But you know what? Like others say - it's not worth it to effect your relationship with your in-laws. What you can do is - just tell her nicely that it'd be great if she could just hear out what you'd prefer, and then go ahead with whatever she finds fit. Just give it one more shot. Tell her you'd really like to at least choose your mehndi colours maybe, or just go shopping with her for at least ONE outfit. And if still not, then leave it to God. InshAllah it'll turn out pretty! If you're sacrificing/compromising this out of respect for your MIL, trust me Allah will reward you in the most wonderful way possible. And you'll completely gorgeous on your wedding day no matter what you're wearing because you've made your elders happy.
One thing I wanted to add - weddings cannot happen without compromises. I know I lucked out with the dress situation. But I have very little say in the guest list. My in laws have a HUGEEE circle, and they're close to them all and wanna invite everybody. My fiance tried talking them out of it, they did cut back a little. But still, my mehndi and Reception both have a huge guestlist, and it's not at all a small wedding like I always wanted (around 150 people would've been great). But you give some, you get some. So, if you can't partake in the dresses - choose something else that's relatively important to you, and focus on that and try getting that done your way?
Also, I would like to add many of you had input in your dresses - be it colour, style, etc. The OP does not have any. She's pretty much wearing it sight unseen. Which to me is a little unfair and the MIL should compromise a bit in this situation.
I agree with the above. I can relate to the fact that this is a "tradition" and that the MIL wants be a part of the bride's outfit. But part of being adults and welcoming a new member into the family is also asking that family member (ie. the bride) input on what her preferances/thoughts are.
I don't have an issue with the MIL having the final say in the outfit. I have friends whose MILs worked WITH them to design their shaadi/walima joras. Heck I even know white girls who took their mom AND future MIL with them when choosing the dress.
But what I find annoying in this particular case is that the MIL doesn't want the bride's opinions at all...regarding color, style, fabric etc. The MIL is under no obligation to actually follow OP's wishes....but heck at least ask the future DIL her opinions rather than telling her outright that her feelings/thoughts don't matter at all. MIL/SIL/aunts etc....all the women(and maybe some men) in the groom's family will have their say in the bride's outfit...except the bride herself. Not the best way to make a bride feel welcome into the family in my humble opinion.
