In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid

[S02]

Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid

@fazoolkharch

Thanks everyone for your advice, i really needed to know whether i should tell him what my family thinks about his family or not because i was getting really sick and tired of having to listen what my parents are saying and i have decided its best not to tell him that (and i wanted to tell him only because what he asked me to do would have escalated things further but i have somehow gotten around that yesterday after reading some of the advice thanks again and im new at this relationship thing and i really dont know how marriages work and after seeing my parents marriage the only thing that i have learned is to compromise).

Yes, compromise. But pick your battles, be honest, build a life together, don’t spend all your time fighting and tearing each other down.

One of the few things that my husband made clear very early on in the marriage was that if his family is happy with me he is happy with me and i do get it, its his family after all. I strongly believe doing unto others as you would have them do to you, so there is no such thing as evil saas or nand, not unless im evil myself, because of this i have been friendly with my in laws and up till now they have been nice to me including my husband and its only when my parents are mentioned they become tense, but the problem is my family thinks that its just a facade on their part and sooner or later they will show their true colors to me and that makes me really confused who’s right who’s wrong.

Please don’t let your family cast a shadow over your relationship with your inlaws. Avoid the topic of conversation as much as you can. Deal with people based on your ACTUAL interactions with them, rather than suspicion, cynicism, and pessimism.

About the divorce thing i did mention it to my parents and his as well, (both parties forbid me strictly not to talk about it with my husband and im afraid of mentioning it to him, thats how i was raised compromise, compromise, compromise) and both the parties think that divorce is not the solution.

HUH!?!? Why would you discuss divorce with both sets of parents if it hasn’t come up between you and your husband?!?! Why put that out there!?

According to my parents after rukhsati force your husband to live separately

Well your family has already shown you that they don’t have your best interest at heart, that they are rash and petty, so I’m not sure why you would even consider their advice.

and my in laws think that i should keep minimum contact with my family after rukhsati,

Is that what they said or is that your family’s interpretation?

isn’t it great to know that both parties have already thought of a solution. But what about my happiness, all i want is for them to be cordial to each other and so far both the parties are refusing to do so, how do i make them realize that getting along with each other and letting go of whatever happened between them would make life so much easier for all of us, but all they say is “Chup raho baron k beech mein mat bolo, its between us and not you guys” (meaning it doesnt concern either you or your husband)…how is that even possible.

You need to stop talking to them about each other. Focus on your own relationships. Theirs will one day improve iA. Right now build your own relationships with your husband, his family, your family members, etc.

One more thing my parents said yes to the rishta because he is highly parha likah and still think that there is nothing wrong with the guy, its just his family thats the problem.

You haven’t witnessed any actual problem with his family, right? Just drama your family is creating. I know it’s hard, but you need to see that they are flawed individuals and they should not influence your opinions about things.

What i have done all these weeks is to quietly listen to what they say and then go in my room and cry. I have tried telling them to either stop badmouthing them or atleast give a solution but parents are parents, they won’t listen, they think im getting emotional for no good reason and that they are preparing me for the life ahead.

You’re giving them what they want by reacting, getting emotional, arguing, denying, engaging. etc etc. They say something, either don’t react, just ignore it, or just say, “Okay. Good to know.” and then move on to something else.