Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Yes, compromise. But pick your battles, be honest, build a life together, don’t spend all your time fighting and tearing each other down.
Please don’t let your family cast a shadow over your relationship with your inlaws. Avoid the topic of conversation as much as you can. Deal with people based on your ACTUAL interactions with them, rather than suspicion, cynicism, and pessimism.
HUH!?!? Why would you discuss divorce with both sets of parents if it hasn’t come up between you and your husband?!?! Why put that out there!?
Well your family has already shown you that they don’t have your best interest at heart, that they are rash and petty, so I’m not sure why you would even consider their advice.
Is that what they said or is that your family’s interpretation?
You need to stop talking to them about each other. Focus on your own relationships. Theirs will one day improve iA. Right now build your own relationships with your husband, his family, your family members, etc.
You haven’t witnessed any actual problem with his family, right? Just drama your family is creating. I know it’s hard, but you need to see that they are flawed individuals and they should not influence your opinions about things.
You’re giving them what they want by reacting, getting emotional, arguing, denying, engaging. etc etc. They say something, either don’t react, just ignore it, or just say, “Okay. Good to know.” and then move on to something else.
Call me arrogant…anything you want. At the end of the day..**.these men behave how their mothers raise them. **
As far as MY husband (please don’t call him bhayanak things like KHAWAND)…since you seem to be so curious and have so much time on your hands…my husband doesn’t need to control me in order to feel like a man. Ye sab filmy batein Star Plus ki courtesy aur backward logon ke chonchlay hein.
[/quote]
Oh is that what you think? Well you may be a wife but just from that opinion I can conclude you arent a mother. Am I wrong? Be honest. So youre one of the women that will blame a woman if a man does wrong to her.
Its true that women are their own worst enemies.
Youre essentially saying that how men turn out depends on the woman that raises them. Wonder how many mums want their kids to grow up to be liars, drug addicts, murderers, rapists, etc.
Im going to tell you something youre going to learn as your mind catches up to your body; the apple can fall far from the tree.
Chalo yaar theek hai. Me not being married to you is more beneficial for you. Khush? Ab sukoon say sona.
So an open mind means blaming the mother for the childs action? Ahahahahahahahaha. Arent you embarrassed for suggesting that? As a woman? Maybe a mother someday?
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Without a bias, can you determine if your parents are maybe the one’s at fault here? I’m just trying to figure out whether it’s your parents’ paranoia that your in-laws are evil or if there’s something concrete that happened prior to the nikkah that made them come to that conclusion. obviously, things must’ve been going well AT SOME POINT if things progressed to a nikkah. And if there were so many problems, why did both parties agree to proceed? Are your in-laws even really aware of the conflict or are they being rude to your parents because your parents are making it obvious that they have a problem with them?
How do your in-laws treat you? It’s usually not very difficult to tell when someone’s being fake.
Have your in=laws specifically told you this or is this what you’re thinking on your own? And did the topic of whether you were gonna live in a joint family vs seperate not come up BEFORE the nikkah? If there was never any indication that your husband wanted to move out and your parents had no problem with it earlier, I can see it being hard to just throw that out there. Are your in-laws in close proximity to your family or do they live across town/country/world?
[/QUOTE]
That’s weird for me because usually with completely arranged rishtas, there’s SOOO much emphasis placed on the guy/girl’s family/extended family. If they thought his family was psychotic from the get-go why did they allow this to happen?
I feel like there’s something missing from the story…
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Everything was going perfectly fine before the main event, until the fight thing happened, IMO it was more of a misunderstanding but things got really out of hand and i guess both the parties went ahead with it because everyone knew about it and cancelling it at the last moment seemed quite embarrassing … i seriously dont know what was going through their minds, i expected both the parties to say no and i still sometimes ask them what happened why didnt you guys break it off and apparently there is no explanation for it thats why i wrote in my first post that it still baffles me… One of my uncles after getting to know about the situation said that although fault lies on both sides for the initial misunderstanding but he said more so with my parents because they let it blow out of proportion.
Secondly, fortunately i have a very friendly and trusting disposition and i believe that nobody is going to harm you unless you harm them first, and this rather annoys my parents they think im childish, naive, trusting and gullible and that the world is out there to get me, but i call it being positive. Once my husband made it clear what he wants from me, i understood and made friends with his family and we get along very well and plus they made me super comfortable thats why one day i mustered up some courage (after a dose of my parents rants) and asked his parents not saying the D word directly but hinting at it and they got the gist of it and they said no dont think about it. Although i try my level best with both sets of parents not to bring each other up but somehow i dont know how it creeps into the conversation even though indirectly and this just ticks my parents off and makes my in laws tense.
Yes my in laws very subtly but not directly have told me that i wont be meeting my parents too often and that wont be a problem because we would be living in different states. I would be living in a joint family that was understood from the get go and i have no qualms in living with a joint family. Infact having seen some of my extended family members living in the joint system i really liked the idea of everyone living together. I guess what ticks my parents off is the fact that i havent badmouthed my in laws before and after the nikkah even once with all the drama happening and also someone from the family very stupidly commented on the day of nikkah that knowing your daughter, she will completely adapt to their lifestyle and wont be the same person anymore so say goodbye to her right here and this was like the final nail in the coffin and their worst fears were confirmed that my in laws would control me. I have tried countless of times explaining to my family that they arent bad people but they cant seem to forget the fight and now i just listen to whatever they have to say and go back to my room. I have accepted that this is how the situation will remain.
As far as my husband is concerned we dont talk much like only once a week because im still getting used to the idea that he is not just a random guy but my husband. Our conversations are mostly formal but once he found out that we share the same interests he was quite happy. Yes i have gathered as much that he is a controlling freak “i expect you to do this and i expect you not to do that” but yesterday i found out that he is also willing to listen to reason if it makes sense and wont create any drama between the two families, i just explained to him very calmly why its difficult for me to do what hes asking me to do and gave him an alternate solution and he was ok with it. So far its going ok keeping in mind how my parents are, i think i can handle it and if in future somethings bother me i know where to come for advice. Thank god i did not say anything stupid yesterday after reading some of the advice. I also needed to vent out my feelings of frustration, i know writing a blog would have done the trick but i really needed some advice so thats why i posted. Thanks again guys.
To the mods Reha, SO2 could you please kindly close this thread…mission accomplished
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
I hope you handle the situation with calm. Patience is the hardest trait to have , but it is so worth it when you look back.
Also, I do not think that your husband is a control freak. He has expectations from his wife, and so should you have expectations from him. It is very normal.
These are initial stages in your new/sudden relationship so the communication is not great. Please dont be defensive about anything he says as yet..he will change his way of explaining his expectations from you as a partner. You two will grow together as a couple and hopefully be mature enough to make peace between the two families.
Consider the patch up as a challenge you and your husband has to complete together.
Ye sab filmy batein Star Plus ki courtesy aur backward logon ke chonchlay hein. 