I had my nikkah just a few weeks backs (no rukhsati and totally arranged btw) amidst so much drama that even then and now it still baffles me how did it happen with so much ill feelings on both the sides. Not a day goes by when my parents and my sister don’t remind me of how manipulative, conniving, selfish, uncompromising and inflexible bunch of people my in laws are. I remind them that it wasn’t me who handpicked them personally, it was their choice and the only thing i did was that i went along with their decision, to which they reply that it was the biggest mistake of their lives saying yes to them (and the waterworks start from my end). On the other hand i don’t know exactly how my in laws feel about my family but there was this huge fight right before our nikkah, more like a clash of huge egos and who’s the boss of who, but i have this idea that they are thinking on the same lines about my family (even though they haven’t said anything about the fight to me but it just shows in their attitude when we talk). Ok so this is where the advice part comes in, i need to know
should i tell my husband how my family thinks about his family, because seriously if this is whats happening right now i shudder to think what will happen at the time of rukhsati and furthermore he has told me that even though you are still at your parents house, i should do whatever he says because after nikkah my no. 1 priority should be his and his family’s happiness and then my parents, is he correct in thinking that plus recently he asked me to do something (job related) that i’m sure if my parents came to know about it, they will be displeased with me and they will taunt me even more about how controlling your in laws are and if i don’t do it then he will be unhappy, what should i do?
should i discuss with him that going our separate ways would be the best option for both of us (although i’m scared of getting a divorce and i would never want it for myself but i need to know what if he starts contemplating divorce because of this situation or he might think about it in the future, i should be prepared for it right).
Is it stupid on my part asking him these questions or is there any other way to address these issues, am i thinking way too much, sometimes i feel like im stuck between two very different worlds and i can’t seem to balance them or should i stop trying just leave how things are and see what happens in future.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
I don't think you should repeat what your family is saying about his. There is no point in that, other than creating trouble.
You should honestly talk about whatever is bothering you that you feel is STILL a legitimate problem (and not just a misunderstanding or honest mistake). Don't talk about what other people think/feel. Talk about your own thoughts and feelings.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Ask him how he feels about your family first. If both sides harbor ill feelings, then it is better to end it now than later. Unless you both realize that you two are on one team and whatever feelings your families have towards each other will not affect your relationship. I really hope you aren't going to live with them.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Your priority is HIM...not his family. Although as a courtesy, you should be good to his family.
He sounds like a control freak and like he's being fed lines by his mother. He has no mind of his own which may be a sign of youth as well as stupidity.
I am really not sure what to advise you with...it seems your family knowingly walked you into a trap and now are wailing about it.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
I don't agree with the above poster, not sure where is she getting the mother part.
But ur hubby does sound like a control freak. But you should do what feels right to you...not your dad or your hubby.
Anyways, I would ask him what's his opinion about the fight and how he feels about your family. I wouldn't share anything about how ur family is behaving.
Not knowing the details of the fight, I think your family is partly to blame as well...since they still went thru with the nikkah. They are worse thn ur inlaws right now.since they are bugging you and not providing a solutions either.
I personally believe after marriage your husband and his family should be your first priority. You don't have to ignore or allow disrespect towards your own family.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Husband is an utmost priority as his wife should be for him
But his family...I think they're important but not like the typical saas-nand drama type important. They should have their own lives and should not need to be important for you...its strange to me. I don't feel the need to be important to others...so why the desperation ke koi humko ehmiyat de? These are all aurton ki harkatein and that's why I said...this is his mom talking.
Focus on YOUR life...your parents and his family will eventually get on with their own lives...but you'll be left with this guy who wants to control you. Think about only yourself...no one else right now. Baqi sab ro dho ke apne ghar chale jayengay. In the end, it will only be you and him...so at this point...sit down and gather your thoughts. What do you want? Do you want him? If you do...be smart and learn to deal with him. If you don't...arm yourself with some courage and do what you need to do.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
No.
You need to decide and give this some serious thought. He is making it clear to you what he expects from you if you choose to be his wife. Your parents and their happiness will always be #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) . In face, YOUR personal happiness will always be #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) b/c he expects you to do what it takes to keep him and his family happy regardless of your personal feelings. He expects you to do whatever he says. Seriously think about this. Are YOU ok living with a man like this for the rest of your life? Are you ok having his children? B/C guess what…even when you have children, your personal feelings/ your parents will still be #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) . This man will expect you to follow whatever he says when it comes to your children without questioning him. If after marriage one day he decides that its best that you cut off all contact with your family…he will expect you to do that.
What I’m describing might sound extreme but its not unheard of in relationships where the man expect the woman to do whatever he says. So think about what sacrifices you are willing to make to stay married to this man. The nikah just barely happened and you are already having to choose b/t him and your parents. Things will only get worse once you start living with him.
I’m not sure what you think there is to discuss with him. He already told you what he expects. As long as you keep your mouth shut and do whatever he tells you to do, he’ll be happy and won’t divorce you. So YOU need to think about if that’s the best option for you. By saying that he expects you put his/his family’s happiness on top, he already told you that your happiness isn’t a major priority for him. So stop thinking that you are a team and he’s going to logically give you his option on what’s the best option for you.
Between your parents and your husband…NO ONE is thinking about what’s best for you. Everyone is focused on their own happiness. So you need to take control of your own life and decide for yourself what’s going to make YOU happy.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Husband is an utmost priority as his wife should be for him
But his family...I think they're important but not like the typical saas-nand drama type important. They should have their own lives and should not need to be important for you...its strange to me. I don't feel the need to be important to others...so why the desperation ke koi humko ehmiyat de? These are all aurton ki harkatein and that's why I said...this is his mom talking.
Focus on YOUR life...your parents and his family will eventually get on with their own lives...but you'll be left with this guy who wants to control you. Think about only yourself...no one else right now. Baqi sab ro dho ke apne ghar chale jayengay. In the end, it will only be you and him...so at this point...sit down and gather your thoughts. What do you want? Do you want him? If you do...be smart and learn to deal with him. If you don't...arm yourself with some courage and do what you need to do.
Again, I don't agree with you. You are generalizing and assuming. Evil mothers are not always behind a bad guys/son/husband. Some guys are just like that, they feel they have to control their life and that including their mother and wives.
I do agree with Focusing on herself. OP should make decision which makes her comfortable not her husband or father.
the type of personality you are talking about (i don't need attention and don't need to give attention,) wouldn't work out in the family OP is describing. They have already had fights over attention. This is something to considered before entering into a relationship, at this point she should consider how to work it out...if its possible or not
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Don't tell him what your family thinks of him; that will not go down well. Nobody wants to hear their family being trashed. You'll risk turning him against you as well. You can talk to him about the conflict at hand and concerns you have. You can gently tell him that you both are a team and shouldn't let grudges hurt your marriage. Maybe talking to him will put you at ease, or if the discussion makes you feel it's better to end the marriage, then the best time to do it would be before the rukhsati. Other than this, I don't know what else to say. If you decide to remain married, you'll have to shut out the complaints from your family and focus on strengthening your marriage. This will require a lot of patience and holding your tongue if you'll be living with in-laws and especially when all parties have a biased perception. Talk to your husband, OP. Do istikhara.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
I don't think the guy and his family at least will be thinking about divorce because they think you'll be going to their home and they don't really have to deal with his in laws. This attitude is quite popular among the guy's side because they really do believe the girl is now part of their family and stopped being part of her own.
Realistically speaking if you want to continue this marriage then you should be prepared to cut ties with your family after rukhsati. The guy's attitude seems to suggest that. Maybe once a year visit and no more. Any more interference from your family will only cause more friction.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Thanks everyone for your advice, i really needed to know whether i should tell him what my family thinks about his family or not because i was getting really sick and tired of having to listen what my parents are saying and i have decided its best not to tell him that (and i wanted to tell him only because what he asked me to do would have escalated things further but i have somehow gotten around that yesterday after reading some of the advice thanks again and im new at this relationship thing and i really dont know how marriages work and after seeing my parents marriage the only thing that i have learned is to compromise).
One of the few things that my husband made clear very early on in the marriage was that if his family is happy with me he is happy with me and i do get it, its his family after all. I strongly believe doing unto others as you would have them do to you, so there is no such thing as evil saas or nand, not unless im evil myself, because of this i have been friendly with my in laws and up till now they have been nice to me including my husband and its only when my parents are mentioned they become tense, but the problem is my family thinks that its just a facade on their part and sooner or later they will show their true colors to me and that makes me really confused who's right who's wrong.
About the divorce thing i did mention it to my parents and his as well, (both parties forbid me strictly not to talk about it with my husband and im afraid of mentioning it to him, thats how i was raised compromise, compromise, compromise) and both the parties think that divorce is not the solution. According to my parents after rukhsati force your husband to live separately and my in laws think that i should keep minimum contact with my family after rukhsati, isn't it great to know that both parties have already thought of a solution. But what about my happiness, all i want is for them to be cordial to each other and so far both the parties are refusing to do so, how do i make them realize that getting along with each other and letting go of whatever happened between them would make life so much easier for all of us, but all they say is "Chup raho baron k beech mein mat bolo, its between us and not you guys" (meaning it doesnt concern either you or your husband)....how is that even possible.
One more thing my parents said yes to the rishta because he is highly parha likah and still think that there is nothing wrong with the guy, its just his family thats the problem. What i have done all these weeks is to quietly listen to what they say and then go in my room and cry. I have tried telling them to either stop badmouthing them or atleast give a solution but parents are parents, they won't listen, they think im getting emotional for no good reason and that they are preparing me for the life ahead.
Lucky for me im not married to you, so your opinion on this matter doesnt affect me.
Im just pointing out I find your opinion so ridiculous, its laughable.
Apnay khanwad aur saas kay baray may jo je mai aye kaho :) I just hope more ladies are following your priceless counsel that the husbands rudeness is the mils fault. LOL like you have about the same insight as anyone else on the matter and you go ahead and say that lol. Such arrogance and immaturity.
Tell me when you argue with your partner do you blame their mother?
And its pretty obvious youre quite arrogant about this so really no point having any further discourse with you.
But youre a new age woman. Husband kay Khaandaan ki kadr aur izzat nahI samjhogay :)
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Op,
You said that you've been friend.y with your in-laws and they have been nice to you. So, putting your family's opinions aside, what is your opinion about in-laws and how is your equation with them thus far? One good thing I see from your post is that your husband and in-laws have not been bashing your family to you. That restraint shows a level of regard or decency, so that's a good sign.
I think that you should very calmly tell your parents that if they don't believe that divorce is an option and would rather that you live the rest your life with this guy, then they should not be making comments that will sour your heart toward your husband and in-laws....as it will make you view him and his family with a very biased lens and make it harder for you to live with him. Please tell this to your parents. Also tell them that if they don't want you to divorce then they shouldn't say things to the in-laws that would turn them against you....since you will be the one to face the in-laws after your parents and siblings have returned to their homes and lives. Tell this to your parents, emphasize that they need to act in a way which reduces your stress after marriage. And remind them that if they continue to express their anger toward in-laws, then in-laws might prevent you from visiting them (parents). If parents insist that you should get husband to live away from his parents, please remind your parents that this is not a simple matter where ur husband will agree with you right away...it can take months or even years to convince him....and he may never agree at all....and if you have to live with in-laws than it should not be miserable existence and that's why it's so important for them to control their anger around in-laws and to avoid instigatory/inflammatory remarks and body language. Remind parents that they cannot have everything on their terms and conditions, so they will have to compromise and show some restraint in anger and speech. You should sit your parents down for such a talk ...speak gently....and keep any feisty siblings out of it and deal with them later.
With your husband...you should calmly tell him that as his wife you don't believe it's fair to prevent him from interacting with his parents...that you've never asked him to limit his time with his family or to keep them at a distance and hope you never have to and that it's only fair that the same courtesy be extended to you as sab ko apnay ma baap aziz hain. Tell him we don't know how long our parents will be alive and therefore no husband or wife should prevent each other from interacting with their parents provided that it is within reason and is not impeding marital responsibilities and rights.
Now, the above suggestions are in case you want to remain married. If you have doubts....u have to ask yourself if you feel that both you and him are compatible thus far, are you both pretty much on the same page in terms of values and beliefs and expectations, do you trust him, is he dependable/reliable/consistent/fair-minded, does he respect you.....do you see more pros or cons....and if you want out ...then be firm about it and seek that exit soon. Do namaz, seek Allah's help and guidance...that would be best as we only have one side of the story and online advice can even leave you feeling confused. You have been bombarded with your parents' opinions, your siblings opinions, and online GS opinions and that's a lot to deal with. So pray namaz and ask Allah to choose the best path for you and to make that path easy.
Re: In desperate need of advice before i do something really stupid
Call me arrogant…anything you want. At the end of the day…these men behave how their mothers raise them.
As far as MY husband (please don’t call him bhayanak things like KHAWAND)…since you seem to be so curious and have so much time on your hands…my husband doesn’t need to control me in order to feel like a man. Ye sab filmy batein Star Plus ki courtesy aur backward logon ke chonchlay hein.
Ye sab filmy batein Star Plus ki courtesy aur backward logon ke chonchlay hein. 