Importing Grooms

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: Importing Grooms

Help me understand this and no offense meant to anyone at all...but how can a girl/guy (esp a girl) feel secure in importing their support? I mean that most of the times means you and your parents will have to support him monetarily. Maybe some women are OK with this but call me backward or old fashioned but i strongly and firmly believe that its the guys duty to provide for the family. This is not to say that the women can't contribute at times of need but i am talking about normal circumstances.

I had be too cautious of such a situation where i don't know why my "groom" agreed to this marriage, for the love of me (strange for an arranged marriage) or for the love of convenience?!

62

Re: Importing Grooms

Wow.

The real jahils are people like you; those who are both educated and have led privileged lifestyles, but still are so closed minded that your thought process and logic are an insult to your education.

Learn a little something about the world and show the "many" guys from back home some respect. Your ancestors are part of that group.

63

Re: Importing Grooms

That's the fact that some people living abroad have some sense of superiority and think that they're the smartest and I've seen this in my cousins too, making fun about how Pakistanis dress up, way they talk, they're dumb blah blah and I'd some heated arguments with them and they were not even born there.

64

Importing Grooms

I know 3 girls in my immediate social circle who were born and raised here in the US, but married guys from Pakistan/India and brought them back here to settle. One guy was a doctor (who cleared all parts of the USMLE and is now practicing here)one an accountant (got his CPA here) and one an IT professional. All 3 couples are now very well settled, with the husband being the main provider for the family. To my knowledge, none of these men were drains on their inlaws or good for nothing damads who needed support.

In any rishta situation/marriage it’s about balance and compromise and your luck of the draw.

Stereotypes and preconceived notions run both ways. There are still people back home who automatically assume any girl born and raised in the west will be an immoral meethi churri out to break up her husband’s family.

On a side note, I must put my modni hat on and request everyone to please refrain from pointing fingers or making personal remarks. Let’s keep the convo flowing in a civilized manner :blush:

65

Re: Importing Grooms

I think it is great to consider a larger marriage pool than the one you have access to PCG. As someone living in Pakistan, I would say that yes, there are reasonable men to be found here fitting your criteria. But to second what someone earlier said, not many that do fit your criteria are jumping to move to USA. Yes, for some families, your green card will be a hooker, just as looks, education, family background, etc etc are hooks for other people too. It is just another feather in your cap.

I don't understand why people get so offended. O he married me for my green card. Another marries for money, some marry for love, some marry for beauty, some cos families want them married, some cos sect-sect marriage. There are always reasons to get married, and not any of them are ever going to be JUST "we married cos we love one another". This is the real world. We are all adults. We make our decisions weighing the entire package and then deciding if the pros outweigh the cons.

So go ahead PCG!

66

Re: Importing Grooms

right… my logic doesn’t make sense? YOUR english is wrong…:rotfl:

67

Re: Importing Grooms

Completely agree! And hence that's why many girls abroad experience problems getting married because so many guys go back home for this purpose. There are many people, both abroad and in Pakistan, who have misconceived notions about girls born and raised abroad. And I'm sorry but yes, I have heard too many horror stories about girls being duped by jerks overseas and therefore I may also have a generalised notion about men overseas but when these girls do EVERYTHING for these guys from covering their expenses to being their maids and are then treated badly, then my only advice to any girl can be to avoid it if possible. This is not to say that there are no jerks abroad, of course there are and no marriage is free from risk BUT from experiences that my close friends and even family have gone through, the risk factor seems higher when marrying someone from there for reasons previously outlined. Furthermore, you know a guy abroad isn't marrying you for your visa and will then dump you once he gets it.

And let me note, this is not about "Pakistan bashing." I love Pakistan BUT what is wrong is wrong and the behaviour of many many men from there towards girls abroad after marriage is shocking and there is no excuse for that.

68

Re: Importing Grooms

How about considering a "fob" who already made it to America? If you find a guy from there, who has a work permit, student visa, etc.. And he wants to marry you for you, then let him know that you're not going to sponsor him. If the guy feels really secure about his job situation, he shouldn't have an issue with that. If he isn't ok with that- then he's in it for the green card.

I know of someone who married a guy who had a student visa. He has a stable job for 2 years, was sponsored through work too. He could have had his wife file papers to make sure he wouldn't leave, but she didn't. He continued the same job and got the green card on his own. He wasn't offended by her not filing, in fact he didn't even ask her too.

I have family members in pak who want to marry girls abroad- and honestly, they're focus is the green card. It's disgusting. It's better to be 30 and single than take that risk.

69

Re: Importing Grooms

Just do proper checks on the groom you are importing. I know a friend of mine she's the only daughter so obviously her parents were really worried about getting her married

born and raised in america, nice girl, religious good looking everything. imported a groom from Pakistan, he came here and got a really good job. is supporting the whole family. In fact ever since my friends dad passed away, her mom was alone so the guy himself asked her to move in with them. Then the mom fell ill and had to go through some surgeries and the guy even paid for them without any hesitation. my friend has never been more happier mashAllah. the guy in fact is more american than my friend herself now lol, its funny really. He watches the superbowl and stuff. He knows more american history than her. Only problem with him is the accent, he obviously doesnt have an american accent he tries to but obviously thats not possible. He has a better grammar than any of us raised in america though lol.

so yes there are real gems in Pakistan u just have to do the proper checks, and of course do this kind of marriage only if u can over look the accent. my friend can easily overlook it and shes really happy. i am sure you can be as well.

70

Re: Importing Grooms

Investigation

Please understand that face to face meeting is worth thousand times more than online meetings.

So delegate the investigation,interview responsibility to someone in Pakistan , maybe your relative who you can trust.

Off course you can oversee the process but too much interference or too many people involved will only make it complex.

Take help of some ex-Army , ex-HR guy or someone with good practical social skills.

e.g my uncle an ex-Army Colonel and HR experienced would describe person’s personality completely after talking maximum two minutes with him!

Don’t get disappointed , there are a lot of Pakistani guys who might be very happy moving abroad due to better jobs, better pays, better working environment and off course an educated bride.

I can speak for Engineers , yes a lot of engineers would want to go abroad and i am sure can easily find jobs as well.

**What kinds of red flags to watch out for?

**Prefer people with educated background, living in big cities, got education in renowned universities.

Red flags:rural background ,uneducated family, a guy who seems too perfect! no professional education or education from unrecognized institutions.

**What kinds of expectations do the guys have?
**
Respect , Respect guys family, Don’t make him feel imported.

**Do you think they’re more traditional in Pakistan ?

**true, differs from person to person ,
yes such guys exist who consider talking to other women without any defined purpose sinful.
But you would want someone bit liberal,
A guy having beard doesn’t mean he is very conservative, he actually might be more liberal in many issues (true in my case :slight_smile: )

**what about the educated guys back in Pakistan who hold decent jobs and are doing ok there because they have some skills and they work hard ?

**A lot of them are available , how to approach them

Prefer personal contacts or** news paper compared to online matchmaking websites.**

**What are the pros and cons.

**Pros: Pakistani men are romantic, and family material :slight_smile:

yeah please read this interesting article ( i read it many years back and finding it again was difficult :slight_smile: )

Is Britney Spears moving to Pakistan? - Economic Times

you will feel at home, i mean we are Pakistanis ,we don’t blend easily anywhere so lets keep it real by saying overall you will be more comfortable with a Pakistani guy + little trouble compared to a non-Pakistani musilm guy

Cons: risk of getting conned :bummer: if you select a guy based on your observation alone.

Best Wishes!

71

Re: Importing Grooms

See you girls don't like imported guy nor the local ones...... you should go for whities.....

72

Re: Importing Grooms

The problem with that is that many "whities" would have no patience for the family interference, drama, backbiting and gossip that some desi families, including some that are educated, find "typical" (and no, I'm not saying that all desi families are this way or that Europeans are exempt from behaving this way) and probably consider the girl's family backward (aka "jaahil") from their point of view. The irony :p

73

Re: Importing Grooms

I got a question regarding about the accent problem that is it really a thing to consider when marrying the person who born and brought up in Pakistan? And like myself I've spent 25 years of my life in Pakistan before moving abroad so it's impossible for me to develop that accent or maybe I ain't long enough here. I would really like to speak like others but it just make things worse.

74

Re: Importing Grooms

Well it really depends on the person you are marrying. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and the person you are going to marry is the one you are going to be listening and talking to for the rest of your life. If accent bothers someone so much they shouldn't get into such a marriage in the first place. In the case of my friend she's fluent in Urdu as well as English. her husband and her talk in urdu though because she wants the kids to know what their background and religion and all is. just fake the accent till you make it maybe haha not really sure.

75

Re: Importing Grooms

maaaaan, accent really isn't a big deal. I know ppl born/raised here, who still say their Vs like Ws. as long as everything eles is OK, ppl need to get over themselves!

76

Re: Importing Grooms

hey pcg. good luck on ur trip to pakistan. inshaAllah, if he is THE one, you will face no problems in 'importing'. :)

77

Re: Importing Grooms

PCG are u going to pak? Did I miss that part in the thread.

78

Re: Importing Grooms

25 isn't that old sir. Fixing an accent is possible provided you are patient and persistent. You could get to a point where you could do it right when talking consciously. However it's going to take a lot a of practice, and being conscious of your speech whenever possible. It's all about breaking it down, fixing one mistake at a time. Try fixing your reading accent first, because that way you don't have to concentrate on forming a sentence. I think I enunciate a lot better when I'm just reading, as opposed to having a conversation.

But then you're marrying somebody, you're not gonna watch how you enunciate when you talk to her. So yeah she'll have to put up with some accent, best case scenario.

79

Re: Importing Grooms

Just add 3 years more to that 25 now:hehe:. Anyways I don’t go after accent that much rather to speak fluently because once you’re fluent then it easier to make an accent but if I try now it sounds fake and people can catch me and it’s not like I speak English in desi style but have a neutral accent. It can become better when you’re working at a place where you can spend most of your time communicating with others.
I’m not marrying any time soon :(, just asking if accent is important to people when you’re marrying somebody in foreign countries. Thanks for your feedback.:k:

80

Re: Importing Grooms

I wouldn't know how important accent is when it comes to marriage. I grew up in Pakistan, and came here just recently. Your guess is as good as mine. However when it comes to putting on an American accent, I've seen it done. My dad came to the US when he was 24 with his plain ole Pakistani accent. 27 years later his accent is almost gone (if not completely). He has a standard American accent, with a hint of Houston.

Same goes for chacha jee. He came here when he was 21, he's been here 20 years or longer. His isn't a Pakistani accent either.

So it can be done if you came here in your early 20s. I wouldn't lose hope. I haven't lost hope. I'm working on it and I'm getting there. Nine months here and I've already made a ton of progress. I know I'm gonna get there, doesn't matter what people say.