Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Lifestyle Relationships
1

A spin off from my other thread about being unsure about a rishta and basically the general consensus to that was to get talking to him and make sure you cover important questions before saying yes (or no) he has been in the uk for 6 years I myself was bought up here.

Here are questions I have already asked - actually these are questions my dad asked him infront of me.

  1. Does he plan on living in the UK permanently? Or will he ever consider moving back to PK?

he wants to stay in the UK and does not want to move back to pakistan however he may consider moving to middle east i.e. dubai (where he spent some of his life) or bahrain/qatar/kuwait which im totally cool with.

  1. Is he ok with you working after marriage? What about you working after kids?

***he wants me to work after marriage but if i dont want to thats okay too, he would like me to take a break whilst the kids are young and i would do this anyway

  1. How many kids does he want and how soon?

***none for 2 years - this is also cool with me

  1. What are his thoughts on parents (whether its yours or his) living with you two after marriage?

***his parents live abroad in dubai/pakistan but when we visit them or they visit us we will all live together -makes sense to me

***my parents dont want to live with me after i am married :frowning:

***Questions I need to ask

  1. What are his thoughts on the husband helping wife with household chores? Does he know how to cook anything? Had he ever done laundry or helped his mom out with anything in the kitchen?
  2. Ask him his views/thoughts on finances…saving for kids college, retirement etc. What percentage of his current income does he put away as a emergency saving? What percentage does he put away in a retirement account? How does he see that percentage change after marriage?
  3. What are his career plans

What are questions are important to ask?

PLEASE PLEASE only serious replies only thankyou!!

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Seems to be a reasonable guy from the questions he's already answered - no red flags.

I would ask him a bit about his religious beliefs too.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

^ I too would ask about religious beliefs, as they are most important....and in the end that is essentially what makes or breaks a relationship. (I hope nobody hounds me for saying this).

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

I'm not talking about overseas visits. I don't know how many siblings he has BUT I'm talking about when his parents get older and NEED assistance in their daily living. Same with your parents. Its not about whether or not the parents want to live with you(and the hubby).....its about talking about the day when the parents will not have a choice. Due to age/health reasons...someday BOTH sets of parents will require assistance.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

(1*) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger?*
Does he blame everybody but himself?
Does he stop talking to the person involved?
Does he bear grudges ("I'll get him back one day!")
Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry?
Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view?
Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry?
(2) How does he behave during a crisis?
Does he blame everyone except himself?
Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam?
What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure?
Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease?
(3) How does he feel about women's rights in a Muslim home?
Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother?
Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How?
Did he believe that his father was always right?
Does he believe that all women deserve abuse?
How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends?
Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision?
Does he stick firmly to his decisions?
(4) How does he deal with money matters?
Does he save his money for the future?
Does he give money to charities?
When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision?
How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money?
(5) What does he expect from his wife and children?
How would he react if his expectations are not met?
What is his vision of family life?
Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children?
Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views?
(6) What are his family like?
Are his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab?
Does their approach to Islam differ from yours - will you be the only "fundamentalists" in a family whose Islam is more "traditional"?
If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and exclusion?
(7) What is his medical background?
(Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah until they see proof that the couple have undergone blood tests and been given a clean bill of health)
Has he ever had an AIDS test, and what was the result?
Is there any history of major illness in his family?
(8) What are his views on education of women and children?
Will he allow you to continue and/or return to education?
What are his views on education and schooling of children? If you have strong views on Islamic schools, home schooling, etc., find out if his views coincide with yours.
Will he take part in the children's upbringing and education? Will he teach them Qur'an?
(9) Where does he want to live?
Does he want to settle in the country where you now live?
Does he want to return to his homeland? Does he want to move to a new country altogether?
Will the family have to move frequently because of his profession?
Will he take your feelings into account when deciding where to live?
Does he aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will he settle for less? Does he want to live in the heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting?
Day-to-day matters
**Some of these are individual preferences - what may deeply concern some may not even be an issue to others, but if you have some strong feelings on a matter, it is better to get it out into the open before you make a commitment:
(1) **Food:
Do you agree on the "halal meat" issue - some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst others will eat any "meat of the Jews and Christians" as long as it's not pork.
Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic?
Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience food or take-away on busy days?
Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you "go vegetarian" some days?
(2) Smoking:
Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non-smoking home?
(3) Going Out:
How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside?
Will he want to "check out" your friends and only let you visit those of whom he approves?
How does he feel about women driving?
(4) Pets:
Are either of you very keen to keep pets at home?
Do either of you have any allergies, dislikes, or phobias when it comes to animals?

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

MARRIAGE
1. What is your concept of marriage?
2. Have you been married before?
3. Are you married now?
4. What are your expectations of marriage?
5. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
6. What are your goals in life? (long and short term)
7. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.
8. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
RELIGION
9. What is the role of religion in your life now?
10. Are you a spiritual person?
11. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
12. What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
13. What is your relationship between you and the Muslim community in your area?
14. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?
15. What can you offer your spouse spiritually?
16. What is the role of the husband?
17. What is the role of the wife?
18. Do you want to practice polygamy?
FAMILY
19. What is your relationship with your family?
20. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?
21. What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?
22. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?
23. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?
24. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?
FRIENDS
25. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)
26. How did you get to know them?
27. Why are they your friends?
28. What do you like most about them?
29. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?
30. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
31. What is the level of your relationship with them now?
32. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?
33. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?
SELF
34. What are the things that you do in your free time?
35. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?
36. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?
37. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)
38. Do you travel?
39. How do you spend your vacations?
40. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
41. Do you read?
42. What do you read?
43. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
44. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
45. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?
46. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favour for you?
47. Do you like to write your feelings?
48. If you wronged someone, how do you apologize?
49. If someone has wronged you, how do you want she/he to apologize to you?
50. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?
51. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?
52. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?
53. Do your friends use foul language?
54. Does your family use foul language?
55. How do you express anger?
56. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?
57. What do you do when you are angry?
58. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?
59. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the
conflict get resolved?
60. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
61. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?
62. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?
HEALTH
63. Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?
64. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?
65. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?
66. How do you support your own health and nutrition?
MONEY
67. What is you definition of wealth?
68. How do you spend money?
69. How do you save money?
70. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?
71. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?
72. Do you use credit cards?
73. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?
74. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?
75. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?
76. Do you support the idea of a working wife?
77. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?
78. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?
79. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?
80. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?
CHILDREN
81. Do you want to have children? If not, why?
82. To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?
83. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?
84. Do you believe in abortion?
85. Do you have children now?
86. What is your relationship with your children now?
87. What is your relationship with their other parent?
88. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?
89. What is the best method(s) of raising children?
90. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?
91. How were you raised?
92. How were you disciplined?
93. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?
94. Do you believe in public school for your children?
95. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?
96. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?
97. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?
98. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?
99. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?
RELATIVES
100. If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture, what type of relationship do you want to have with them?

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

I remember posting these before but these two questionnaires helped me a great deal.
You don't have to ask him all of these or ask them on one go, you can pick the ones you find relevant.
Also once answered, you guys can discuss the answers over the phone, so it gives something to talk about instead of those awkward silences or long pauses.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Additional Questions:

1) Agree with Barbie & Disney regarding religious beliefs. How practicing is he? Let him know how practicing are you. IF you're less practicing than him....will he expect you to become more religious after marriage?

2) Let him know your current daily dressing habit. I've heard of cases where the guy insists the girl change her dressing style after marrigae.

3) How much freedom does he belief a wife should have after marriage? Give him "situation's"....for example: After marriage, will you have freedom to hang out with friends whenever you choose....or will he expect his wife to "ask permission" before she makes plans with her friends.

4) Ask him how does he deal with anger. When a situation or person makes him angry/frustrated....what does he do.

5) Of course ask him the usual questions such as his hobby, fav. TV show/movies, music, food etc.

6) This may seem random but 1 of the reasons I was convinced that my fiance was the right person for me is when he would tell me random childhood memories....it gave me an insight as to how he sees himself in the future as a husband/father. Ask him to share some of his favorite memories with you while growing up.

7) I would also ask him for 1 (or 2) things that his parents did when it came to raising him...that he would NOT do with his own children. My personal belief is that no parents are perfect. My parents did things while raising me that I would not do when it comes to my own children. If any guy tells me that his parents are 100% perfect and NEVER did anything less than perfect....personally that's a red flag for me.

8) Regarding money...how much debt does he currently have? Does he currently support his parents financially or plan on doing so anytime soon? How would he feel if your parents needed financial support in the future?

That's all I can think of for now.... :)

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

girls making sure that "it is a guy"

AND

guys making sure that "it is a girl"

:)

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Itney questions poocho gi tau banda bhaag jai ga :p He seems to be a reasonable guy from the answers he provided to your dad. Just identify issues and matters which are important to you and then talk to him on these issues. Religion, the way he wants to live after marriage, future relations which he wants to keep with your family, extent of independence he is willing to give you after marriage, any previous relationships, any habits which he wants to inform you about (smoking, snoring etc.) etc are important IMO. Be prepared to answer any of his similar questions.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Please provide a list of questions to ask a girl too by a guy...thanks

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

And make sure he is not impotent either. Marriage of my best friend's sister got broken within a couple of months because the guy was impotent and did not tell anybody about it. She found it out after they got married.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Why don't you open your own thread on this topic.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

This is one of the most important questions. I know a few men who are atheist or agnostic although they were born in a Muslim family . From Islamic point of view this nikah is not valid and the kids born to that couple are legitimate. Nobody asked them so they did not reveal their religious beliefs and to get married they went with the flow and married a girls who were very observant Muslims. Luckily the kids of one couple did not turn out to be like the dad , but for other family they did , this was a guy who would even use foul language for Allah(SWT). Na-oozoo-billah.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

^ see the title?? "" questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta" ..title doesn't talk about gender :p

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

WTH?

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

sorry My bad :o . I still think , since this thread was opened by a girl and she is specifically asking questions for him , you would be better off by opening up your own thread.

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

Ah, excellent.

Is there any chance of getting a copy of the mark scheme too?

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

^ Answers first, then mark scheme, otherwise it would be classed as cheating :p

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Re: Important list of questions to ask before saying yes to a rishta

If I yell out "That's what she said!" will you have any idea what I'm talking about?