im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

I sometimes feel that elders are rather overestimated in their ability to share wisdom. No offence intended.

My daddi tells me I need to loose weight (somtimes) yet makes me eat 2 rotiyaan daily! And if I dont eat samosaay that she is hand feeding me...she freaks out at me! Tells me diets are a fad and that food is all we need to be happy! Yeh...shes a chubster daddi.

Changing any aspect of your life for others doesnt think brings success easily.. Adopting some sort of self confidence is needed here.

Although don't ask me how one does that...my self confidence comes arcoss as being rude, aggressive and fiesty.

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Oh God Alvena ur mom is gonna make u depressed n sick seriously. All she's thinking abt ur weight n proposals but not ur feelings n the way its affecting u. Is there any way u can go away somewhere(to grandparents /other relatives etc or come over here to ur aunt in calgary)for a while. get rid of this negativity, revamp, refresh n then go back. Tell ur mom n dad plain don't look for any rishta for me n don't wory abt me. i'll find one myself. i'm getting mad now. i wish i knew ur mom i would hav talked to her abt it.

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Im only home for a month before i go back to uni ( i come home every weekend when im there but thats different)

So maybe i should stick at home my dad will be upset, to be honest my dad doesnt go on and on my mum says my dad is stressed but he is just like make sure you look after yourself.

I dont know what has taken over my mum! i think its all the stories from aunties and also that a group of girls my age are not really getting that many rishtas and she is in panic mode.

I just need to find a way to cope without it making me stressed and depressed!

She is making me want to go back to uni :(

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

first things first alvena,
build confidence and you ll take care of yourself automatically...
self respect and confidence is what attracts the right people. You dont want just anyone coming for your rishta...right?
go to the gym, do your grocery wisely...taking small steps towards you goal is wiser..and the results last longer...bringing a positive change to your overall lifestyle...Changing habits and company affects our outlook too. Instead of hanging out at the coffee shop, or the restaurant, go to the park, gym, etc...
Focus more on YOURSELF than on others...you will get better results..i promise.
:)

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Your mom is not going to change her way. Her ways are ingrained in her personality. You being young , should can change your ways though. Instead of arguing end the argument by just one yes mom , whatever you say mom and pretty soon , you will feel happy.

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Try telling your mom, "Mom a body has limits. Over-exercising when I'm already sore can potentially damage my joints, etc. I'm working on my weight and it will take time. Please try to understand that confidence is importance as physical appearance. And your words are hurting my confidence.....and I don't think you'd want that for me. I'm not perfect, nobody is. But I'm trying to work on myself. It will take some time. Please be patient with me, nagging won't help things happen sooner."

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Ok so just had a major breakdown with lots of tears.

My mum started complaining to my dad that im nt looking fter myself and that im badtamzeez by saying that her saying all this is not helping me.

I just broke down and said i have lost my confidence because of her and i cant deal with her constantly having a go at me saying im eating too much im not doing enough excercise im not washing my face etc

I was saying sometimes i dont even feel like looking aftermyself because i feel so low in confidence.

She was just getting angry and saying fine i wont say anything to you, all you do is sit here do bakwas....( i really dont know whats wrong with my mum)

At this point my dad, who just sat and listened the whole time, was like. Look you are a adult and a medical student and no one can force you to do anything, if you have your own plan then do it and no one will say anything or put you down, but you have to do it whole heartidly with committment and dont let yourself down.

He then told my mum that if her saying stuff isnt benefiting me then she shouldnt say it. She was still angry and my dad said, ok you are not allowed to say anything to her.

My dad told me to make a diary of my start weight, target weight and what i do everyday and goals i achieve and a plan for the day.

He told me not to worry about him and worry about me, and that dont worry about marriage because that is upto allah, do this for you and your confidence.

My mum was still really really angry, which im really upset about and dont understand!

But im really greatful for my dad.

Please help me.
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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Honestly hun, don't worry about this issue, your 22, which is still VERY young, beleive me, I'd give a Kidney to be 22 again...lol.

You have LOT's of time to see potential guys or meet guys to get married. Everything will fall into place when it is meant to be. Your dad is right, leave it up to Allah.

If your a med student you obviously have a bright future ahead of you. You need to focus on yourself and not superficial things like having to be married by a certain age.

Often when girls are in a rush to get married, they rush into a marriage with a guy that is not right for them. The longer the process takes, chances are the more time you have to develop as a person and really know what you want. You will make a wiser choice in the end.

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

good atlast ur dad handled ur mum. let her stay angry now. u keep doing as dad say. once she sees some diff she'll b fine too.
Also Alvena i dunno how u look otherwise but may b do some changes in style n dressing, haircut, some sort of makeover where u look charming in spite of being lil curvy. hide ur weight by ur looks, smile, confidence, good manners etc

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just 2 cents from a guy i thought would give a bit of insight..

well as it is repeated regarding "hot, slim, fair, good lukin grls".. its not necessarily they are good wifes.. i know some people in pakistan who spent 1-2 yrs looking at EVERY grl, the guy just was not getting "satisfied".. he rejected like 50-100 grls... hes married now to "fair, tall and educated" grl.. but guess what.. shes driving him nutts, doesnt help out at all at home, and now they are moving out of house.. (i didnt even find her that "hot")..

neway.. its ur confidence that is important.. guys who go after luks or qualification only want it so they can show it off to their mates. Aunties look for fair, tall grls so they can show it off to their mates.. bt honestly.. it turns to hell in the end.... either the guy feels complex dat the grl is too educated, or aunties feel complexed that the grl is swaying their son..

nehow as a guy.. ive been told by my parents too that i should loose some weight.. (though with less pressure).. and it is coming down.. jst do walk/run daily on the road, dont like gym, ive spent mega bucks on gym.. never works. Ive run on roads.. started slow.. ended up doing 1hr walk/run.. lost 16kgs in 4 months..

the approach to marriage should be.. leaving everything on Allah. Make dua that:
Oh Allah, I am your servant, I cannot see which u can see.. i am ur responsibility. My intention is correct and I want a happy life with a loving husband.. i leave it to you to find me that person.. no matter who he is (age, background, education etc).. i will accept.. and i will accept it as your choice and will not question.. (the important part here is, you dont judge that person... if u bring ur choice in.. ie u rejected somone coz hes not a doctor or not a british paki, then uve made ur judgement, not Allahs judgement.. its hard and tricky, but thats faith.. and i swear that person will be the most wonderful person if u leave it to Allah).

so the moral of the story is.. STOP BEING DESPERATE.. and relax.. hot lukin guy is more dangerous then an educated big guy..

regarding ur mum.. my cuzin use to say.. if ur parents are yelling at u.. it doesnt mean they are physically abusing you.. just turn ur ears off.. meaning listen bt dont think about it.. that way they are happy that atleast u are listning.. DO NOT GIVE ANSWER.. and ur happy coz they are happy knwing ur listning to their worriedness...

rest.. relax.. enjoy.. lifes tooo short.. ull spent next 2 yrs worrying about weight and finding Mr Perfect and then rest of ur life cursing that i had weight longer.. or i shudve left it to allah and accepted the first offer.. coz hes happily married with ur friend.. :)

tc

Allah hafiz

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

^ Woohoo.......Go CHEEBU!!!!!!! It's awesome and encouraging to hear a guy's point of view. Thumbs up! :)

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no problemo.. anyday..

oh and adding further.. most slim grls are fat/obese after marriage.. hence its all airy fairy in early days.. u want someone who accepts u for who u are.. meaning if u lost weight (just not boney).. then its good.. for urself and him.. if not.. atleast u wont get taunted all the time that ur not attractive anymore.. lol

again.. relax.. leave it to Allah.. ive seen relationships where the guy is mega good lukin.. and his wife/gf is not that attractive.. bt he loves her coz shes understand, sensitive and easy going.. less fuss.. less maintenance.. doesnt care bout what world thinks.. not affected by changes in her body.. etc etc etc..

cool guys (like me).. dont like fuss.. we want a good fun life.. not "glittery" life.. though having good luks is not bad.. bt its certainly no certainty for happiness (just like money)... we want someone who doesnt ***** all the time, who u dont have to explain every 2 mins why shes not allowed to do this or that.. who creats problems between u n ur family.. who has an ego, who spends hours and hours (plus money) on beauty products only to look like a fake doll, who has an attitude.. and who we are scared to come home to after a hard day coz shes going to make life worse... and finally worse get looks from other guys coz shes attractive..

so work on your personality and confidence.. if ur low on confidence, its not attractive at all.. personality does not need beauty.. its all about how u talk nd meet people.. if weight is so important.. u will only loose weight wen u actually look at ur pics and do agree that i am fat.. if someone else tells u dis.. den its not worth it.. cz its ur body.. nt theirs.. they dotn have to look at it!

there.. i hope all this helped...

Allah hafiz

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Alvena, it's rough when mothers say stuff like that.

I think Mabrook and Cheebu had the best advice.

Let your father handle your mother and you worry about improving your own life.

If it helps at all, I really don't think your mother is trying to make you feel worse. I suspect there are two things at play here.

The first is the desi habit/mentality of making blunt and insensitive observations about a person's appearance. I don't know where the heck it comes from, but I see our people saying the most negative things (often to a person's face) about a person's appearance in the most casual manner possible and when you point out who rude/insensitive the remark is, they act genuinely shocked and then turn it around you for being rude because they "didn't mean anything by it" and why are you overreacting and being ziddi? The majority of people (especially the women) do it and they don't seem to think there's anything wrong with it.

The second thing is that when a girl or boy is of age, it's the mothers who usually handle things. And it's they who have to hear all sorts of crummy things from the parents and families of the other side such as "Oh your daughter is only 5'4. Our Chanda is 6'3. We were looking for someone slender and willowy and not giddi like your daughter." "Oh, so you are *Pakistani *Hyderabadis. We don't want our son to marry into a family of traiters." "Oh...your daughter is a lawyer. We already have *one of those in the family *(this was said with a very disgusted expression as if a lawyer is plague carrying social pariah). "We're looking for someone fair and blah blah blah blabbity blah." They don't always say it bluntly like that (a lot of them do though), but you can pretty much tell what they mean from the tone of their voices and their incredibly stupid choice of words. And those are some hurtful things for a parent, especially a mother to hear. But she has to listen to it day in and day out when its time to find a suitable match. I can't tell you the number of sane, rational, kind-hearted aunties I saw turn into frantic, anxiety stricken, illogical women when it was time to find someone good for their daughters. I saw so many of them say such hurtful things to their daughters that they loved so very much. They didn't want to hurt them (and I'm not making excuses for them. Wrong is wrong and they were wrong), but the circumstances were making everybody crazy and they didn't know what to do except say "You need to lose weight or we won't be able to find somebody" or "Stop eating that. You have enough pimples on your face already without adding to it by eating oily food." You get the picture.

I'm not saying what your mother did was right. I'm just trying to get you more perspective on the situation.

And I'll say it again - get healthy for you. Tell everybody else to shove a fork in their eye (not your mother).

Good luck honey. It's going to be alright, Inshallah. Say your prayers, be patient, and consider carefully whenever you meet a person. He's out there. Allah Tallah made him especially for you and you especially for him when he wrote your story before you were born. But you won't meet him until the exact time that Allah has decreed. So just hold on.

I did. I waited until I was quite a bit older than you and I had so many doubts and so many times when I just wanted to give up on the whole mess. I'm glad I didn't or I wouldn't be as happy as I am today.

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Thankyou guys especially cheebu for a guy posting! and mistral your post above really really helped.

This morning i disovered that my khala was saying things like oh you dont know what guys are demanding these days and your daughter isnt exactly up to standards etc etc.

My mum came and said sorry this morning....sort of.

She was just like, look after yourself for you and she also said she wont nag me all the time but she just cant help it!

So the situation is sorting itself out, im so greatful for my dad sorting thingsout.

I will look after myself for me and leave everything in the hands of Allah.

What' ll u throw on the person above u
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Brilliant post, esp the last bit in blue. Your Mum shouldn't really be speaking to you in a way that can break ur self confidence. Why can't desi parents understand how hurtful it can be to hear stuff like that? Also, a UK Size 12 isn't fat, infact I seriously doubt many men would turn u down cos of it, I'm guessing it's just ur Mum being over-critical of u in the way some tend to be overly harsh with their daughters.

Also, it's parents who tend to be the ones making the demands, usually not the guys themselves, I know from examples in my own family, my Mum would constantly bleat on about only being interested in girls for my brother who had super-white porcelain skin (wayy paler than the average English person, we're talking goth type white lol) but in the end he turned them all down and is engaged to a darker girl he has fallen head over heels for. Often, parents have all these weird ideas of what they 'think' boys want but more often than not it correlates to old cliched ideas of beauty (and personality - she must be quiet, overly subservient etc.) from 20/30/40yrs ago that a lot of sons simply don't want anymore.

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

^ this is what worries me!

Mums want white, tall, slim girls just like your mum.

Would anyone even consider me? thats the scary thing.

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Don't worry about mums of the boys . There is lot of fish in this pond who do not have mums or who do not need mums to decide which girl to get married to. There is one guy out there who would love you for what you are and would marry you one day Inshallah.
I have seen tall , fair , handsome guys getting married to dark and for the lack of a political correct word ugly looking girls and their husbands admire them and love them more than the prom queens are loved by their fans. So there is lot of hope for an intelligent girl like you.

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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Alvena, my Mum was kinda extreme and really it wasn't in my brother's best interests. I think nowadays a lot of Mums will take their sons preferences into account more than mine did. Her obsession with pale skin was soooo strange, I mean how is corpse white even attractive??? Most boys nowadays want a pretty girl ie someone they're attracted to but without specifying skin colour, dress size etc. TBH rather than ur weight being a bad thing, if ur curvy I bet u'd get loads of boys wanting to marry u after they've seen u, u mentioned u get approached/chatted up at work so I'm guessing u do look great but u just don't feel that confident. My personal apparent 'flaw' that my Mum constantly pointed out when I was growing up was that I had big lips which she said was unattractive but funnily enough a lot of the so-called 'bad' points that our parents point out to us actually end up being pluses, I reckon it'll be the same with ur concerns about ur weight. Don't let ur Mum's words get u down, go to lots of desi gatherings, weddings etc. so ppl get a chance to see u and I reckon u'll have loads of proposals flying ur way :)

Timepass - October 2013
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Re: im worried i wont get married....mummy isnt helping.

Thanks deeba and mirch

I did get approached at work but a surgeon!!! He was really nice but too old:(

When i told my mum and dad my dad was like oh next time someone approaches do this and that, my mum was like....'itni amma lagti ho isiliye usne approach kiya, larki nahi lagti ho' so the boost of confidence i got went down the drain.

Seriously she isnt usually like this.

And you see this whole desi gathering thing, i got to loads, and all the skinny girls get attention.

Im sure if someone spoke to me and got to know me they would like me, or if a boy was without his parents who may find me attractive, i do get approached by men at uni and at work.

But desi gatherings....doubt it.

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^ U know u should check out these desi doctors associations, there are loads of gorgeous eligible men (my parents are part of an association of 400+ doctors and their families) and these boys tend to be a bit more independently-minded if u get what I mean. I know of quite a few girls who ended up getting married to ppl they'd met at these events. Btw 21/22 is still v.young, u've got plenty of time so don't panic into thinking u won't get married etc. Most young female doctors we know haven't gotten married before at least 23/24.

Btw that was unbelievably rude of ur khala to say that about u, I would have lost my rag.