I told him that there will be problems for the girl in case of marriage as her in-laws will fight for custody of their grandson. .
LOL....this is like planning the honeymoon when the engagement hasn't even taken place. :) You're getting WAAAAY ahead of everything with this custody assumption.
I'm sure the girl's mother is fully capable of looking out for her son's best interest. First find out if your's friend's familiy is even willing to consider a widow with a son. After than, you need to find out if the girl has any interest in marrying again.....and if so then if she's ready to consider rishtas now.
Unless you know the girl's in-laws personally and know for a FACT that they will try to fight for custody if she re-marries....then you can bring this up. But otherwise, it's not even an issue at this point.
Here are my 2 cents: Your very first step should be to talk directly with the guy's family. Don't depend on him to relay information to you....talk to his mother and father directly. You need to be 100% sure that his family is willing to welcome a widow and her son into their family as their only son's bahu. With absolutely no judgments regarding their past.
The widow and her son doesn't need a new situation where they're not welcomed 100%. They don't need or deserve any type of taanay from ANYONE regarding their painful past. If the guy is willing to marry her and raise the son as his....that's great. But if you're going to be the liason between the 2 families.....then you need to take it upon yourself to be 100% sure that his parents and siblings are also willing to accept the girl and her son into their family.
IF his familiy gives their approval with open hearts......then you can talk to the girl's brother (or have your sister talk to the girl herself) to see if she's ready to even consider a rishta at this point. She may still be grieving her deceased husband. IF she says she's ready to move forward....then the typical rishta talks can begin. And IF she says "no"....then your friend's family can start looking for another "mature" girl since they'll be aware of the fact that their son is not interested in a younger girl
How is this any of his business? Did his friend ask him to arrange the marriage?
He shd leave it well enough alone. The girl is only 2-3 yrs older, he makes her sound like a hundred. the amount of Buddhas that marry decades below their age and no one is "shocked".
I agree with whoever said that it reeks of hypocrisy.
How is this any of his business? Did his friend ask him to arrange the marriage?
Ummm.....yes. According to OP, his friend asked for his help b/c he knows the girl's family. It's in his very first post.
He has asked me to help him as I know both his and the girl's family. The girl's brother was my class-fellow and a good friend and girl was class fellow of my elder sister.
as far as i m understanding you are shocked because you have to talk to girl's family about this rishta and you know they are conservative and you are just afriad of their reaction, is this the issue?
or you are not supporting your friend you are shcoked becuase you think this is not the right decision?
guys cool down… I think you people are shocked with shock part I know the guy from childhood and this sudden wish of him made me surprised / shocked. I know his family very well and they won’t accept this easily and considering the ego of girl’s in-laws I expect a difficult time ahead for him.
I think paheli has given me good idea how to tackle the issue.
but on what basis, girls in laws can ask for the custody of the child
I know legally its not possible, but apart from legal course there are ways through which they can pressurize the girl and affect her decision to re-marry. When it comes to meanness, our society doesn't know any limits. The girl's ex-husband was her cousin and there are many marriages in between the families.
One of my friend is determined to marry a widow (having a son) and whose husband died of cancer last year.
The problem is both his and girl's families are too much conservative (conservative doesn't mean religious to put before them example of the Prophet SAW and his beloved wife Hazrat Khadija).
The girl is living with her brothers. Her parents died long ago. Her In-laws didn't help them during her husband's illness and got her out after chehlem.
He has asked me to help him as I know both his and the girl's family. The girl's brother was my class-fellow and a good friend and girl was class fellow of my elder sister.
I'm very confused with this news and asked him whether he is doing all this because of sympathy with the girl (as I know he didn't have interaction with her before and there won't be anything like Love). His point of view is that its not due to sympathy (Tars), he needs a mature wife. I told him that there will be problems for the girl in case of marriage as her in-laws will fight for custody of their grandson. But he is determined to do that and ready to brought up the boy too.
I appreciate the act of this person if its without any mean. Suggest him from my side, istikhara karo and then go ahead. Good Luck.
If not society then whom should we blame? Sometimes, I think that pagan Arab society was liberal enough for issues compared to our so called naik o saleh Muslim society
^Not pagan Arab but Muslim Arab society was more liberal back then.. 'Intimate' issues were discussed even male to female (but from behind a certain), marrying divorcees was no big deal at all and women and men prayed in the same room but with a space or barrier..
Deeba Quran allows all these things and made Arabs more liberal, but even before Islam marrying widow was not considered as taboo. The Prophet married Hazrat Khadjia 15 years before his nabuwwat and when we read about Kuffar's arguments against the prophet, we don't hear any argument against his marrying a widow. Even the most controversial marriage of the prophet ( as made by western writers) with Hazrat Ayesha didn't form the part of such arguments. But you can read comments in this thread about gender-discrimination (a buddha marrying young girl and all that).
nothing good comes without struggle and hard work.
help your friend by playing messenger/arranger......may Allah reward you for your naik intentions, ameen!
I know his family very well and they won't accept this easily.
For the sake of the girl and her son.....I see this being the biggest red flag. There's no point in even thinking about the girl or her in-laws reaction until you sort this out. Let's see how adamant your friend is on marrying her AFTER his parents/siblings find out about it, and share their thoughts.
Deeba Quran allows all these things and made Arabs more liberal, but even before Islam marrying widow was not considered as taboo. The Prophet married Hazrat Khadjia 15 years before his nabuwwat and when we read about Kuffar's arguments against the prophet, we don't hear any argument against his marrying a widow. Even the most controversial marriage of the prophet ( as made by western writers) with Hazrat Ayesha didn't form the part of such arguments. But you can read comments in this thread about gender-discrimination (a buddha marrying young girl and all that).
i said that about the buddha cz i cant abide by the hypocrisy. yes the prophet pbuh married below his age but he also married 15 years above his age. how come the latter case is never followed in our culture and found shocking!!
sorry i didnt read about the part where his friend asked for help.. good luck to him with friends like these....
I don't know why everybody is pointing out the shock part...I am more concerned about the girl's in-laws trying to get custody of the little boy...it is not their concern, just like a few ppl mentioned here, she is not treating the child badly, and they should be grateful that a man is stepping up to take responsibility for their grand-son!
As for the shock bit...if it was me, I would be shocked too if my childhood friend said something like this to me...but not shocked in a bad way...I would be pleasantly shocked that they want to do something so nice!
I don't know why everybody is pointing out the shock part...I am more concerned about the girl's in-laws trying to get custody of the little boy...it is not their concern, just like a few ppl mentioned here, she is not treating the child badly, and they should be grateful that a man is stepping up to take responsibility for their grand-son!
As for the shock bit...if it was me, I would be shocked too if my childhood friend said something like this to me...but not shocked in a bad way...I would be pleasantly shocked that they want to do something so nice!
I am shocked,there still are some sensible posters here.
I know the guy from childhood and this sudden wish of him made me surprised / shocked. I know his family very well and they won’t accept this easily and considering the ego of girl’s in-laws I expect a difficult time ahead for him.
