As a widow and mother of a son...her life is actually hard.
If she found a man that would be willing to care for her and her son...WILLINGLY...then I am not sure I see what you were "not expecting this from him".
Your post makes it sound like he has disappointed you, surprised you and let the people around him down because this woman is not only a widow but a mother and also older than him.
If you're concerned about his well being because marrying someone who is older, a parent and widowed is not right (in some families its not preferred) then talk to him about your concerns.
Personally, I am not sure what to say.
You are right that in the circumstances the girl should not have any issue for re-starting her life with such a person, but again may be her ex-in laws expected move to take custody of her son may stop from taking such decision.
I'm shocked because it was all of sudden and as i early mentioned his family was looking for a young girl for their only son. He got many cousins, but he never showed interest in them.
how do you know its not love?
has he said that its not?
why do you have to go into marriage for love?
because he himself said that its not love. Its just he want to spent his life with a mature lady, which is fine with me.
I also don't believe in love shove before marriage, because how can an undefined idealistic feeling (love) can be basis for a well defined realistic relation.
You are right that in the circumstances the girl should not have any issue for re-starting her life with such a person, but again may be her ex-in laws expected move to take custody of her son may stop from taking such decision.
I'm shocked because it was all of sudden and as i early mentioned his family was looking for a young girl for their only son. He got many cousins, but he never showed interest in them.
So is it shocking to you that he would be interested in a human being who has had a hard time in life due to no fault of her own?
The problem is its not love, its not pity. He just want to marry a mature lady all of a sudden.
Mature lady sounds like 10 year difference. 2-3 years is not a difference...its barely anything to be honest.
I am surprised at you...no offense. You make it sound as if she is unimaginable as a partner due to her situation.
If your friend was a widower (nauzubillah) and he had a son, you'd want someone to consider being his life partner too wouldn't you? Someone who would marry him with sincerity. And if he found such a woman, you'd be happy for him.
So is it shocking to you that he would be interested in a human being who has had a hard time in life due to no fault of her own?
Mature lady sounds like 10 year difference. 2-3 years is not a difference...its barely anything to be honest.
I am surprised at you...no offense. You make it sound as if she is unimaginable as a partner due to her situation.
If your friend was a widower (nauzubillah) and he had a son, you'd want someone to consider being his life partner too wouldn't you? Someone who would marry him with sincerity. And if he found such a woman, you'd be happy for him.
Apne aap ko kisi aur ki jagah rakh ke sochein.
Reha I'm not shocked because of his step. If you ask me I'm 100% with him if he can manage it. I'm shocked considering his and the girl's family and unfortunate taboo of marrying a widow
Guys please stop going after the OP ... hes shocked for watever reason ... tbh if any one of my friends was going after a widow with a kid I would be a little shocked at them too not because its not a good thing but because if you've known someone for 3-4 years and you know how they are and then they do something big that you don't expect from them then you do get shocked and thats all i understand from OP's post.
As far as OP's post is concerned, I think the first step you should take is talk to the girl and see if she is ready to restart her life and if I was her I wouldn't give her any hope (not yet at least) and talk to the guy's family first and get them on your side. Once that is settled then tell the girl that this guy is interested and go through the proper channels to get it all done. The reason I wouldn't tell the girl straight up in the beginning is god forbid if the guy's family forces him to say no then I wouldn't wanna give that girl false that doesn't amount to anything later.
There are rishtey wali aunties are there for a reason, why not approach the family and know how they feel about it, of course sometime should be given b4 someone approaches the girls family with this idea. Soon after death of her husband will not be a good time.
The difference is not that big. I think 2-3 years, but as far as I know his sister was looking for a younger bhabhi and may its a reaction to such things. I'm shocked because I was not expecting this from him.
U. Weren't expecting something good from him? Butt out and mind your own beeswax.
I'm less shocked, but when this news reaches his family, I perceive it to be shocking for them. Problem is our society is still not that open to accept such things easily.
Time to change it, dnt u think? Good on him and I wish him all the happiness. If u r a friend u shd support him as you think his family wont
Reha I'm not shocked because of his step. If you ask me I'm 100% with him if he can manage it. I'm shocked considering his and the girl's family and unfortunate taboo of marrying a widow
There is only one disturbing thing in this thread.. not his reasons for interest in her, not people's surprise or opposition
but that the former inlaws of the girl will go for custody of her son..
really? on what basis? is the guy she marrying an abusive criminal? is she beating their grandkid?
ridiculous...they dont want her in their house, but they dont want her to restart her life.
People like them should be tied at a choraha and slapped with a chappal by any passer by
Can the grandparents even do that, legally? The kid can't be given to the grandparents when one parent is still alive. :( Will someone please help me understand this.
And even the idea that the former inlaws can demand the custody of the grandson is only an assumption so far. It really doesnt happen practically, not that much. If she was divorced, maybe her ex husband would have come after, but the inlaws who dont even want to keep theri grandson in front of their eyes, I dont believe they are concerned much about the future of their grandson anyway.
Mq, your friend is enviable for whatever reasons he wants to marry a widow. His reason could be whatsoever, but there is no denying the fact that he is Masha Allah intending to follow the Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (By marrying an age wise senior widow) I dont really doubt his intentions here. Someone mentioned that he hasnt have an idea of the "difficulties of such life hereafter", and you condoned, maybe thats your primary concern, that your friend wont end up having a workable relationship in this marriage?
Well again there is no surety how any any relationship will turn out to be, after marriage. If by any chance, you are afraid your friend wont be able to keep up the relationship with all determination and might end up ruining the things altogether, you might need a sitting with him, and ask him if he is really sure he can stand by the relationship once he enters.
As far as it being social taboo and all that, well it isnt like that really. Some people might find it difficult to digest, but well at the end of the day its this guy's life. He should know how to have things done his way. If anything, I think he is going to do something very very enviable, an inspiration for petty people like you and me, who are never free of weighing the pros and cons of the things, so all he needs is your support. I would really feel pity for him if even his friends doubt his intentions and are shocked at what he wishes.
Reha I'm not shocked because of his step. If you ask me I'm 100% with him if he can manage it. I'm shocked **considering his and the girl's family and **unfortunate taboo of marrying a widow/QUOTE]
Just come out clear now, its evident that you dont want your cousin/friend to get married to a widow, its not bad to belong to the old school of thought but hypocrisy is a bad trait.
I think there is nothing wrong with what the guy wants to do. If he is willing to marry a widow and take her child on too, hats off to him.
I'm sure if the matter if forwarded to the girl in question and she's given the choice to make you'll get your answer to if she is willing on accepting you friend or not.
If her inlaws havn't played a role in her sons life since her husband has died they won't realy stand any chance in court will they.
In my opinion I think the girl will consider as you said she lives with her brothers who in the further will marry and whether the future sister inlaws will want her around is another question all together.
Here are my 2 cents: Your very first step should be to talk directly with the guy's family. Don't depend on him to relay information to you....talk to his mother and father directly. You need to be 100% sure that his family is willing to welcome a widow and her son into their family as their only son's bahu. With absolutely no judgments regarding their past.
The widow and her son doesn't need a new situation where they're not welcomed 100%. They don't need or deserve any type of taanay from ANYONE regarding their painful past. If the guy is willing to marry her and raise the son as his....that's great. But if you're going to be the liason between the 2 families.....then you need to take it upon yourself to be 100% sure that his parents and siblings are also willing to accept the girl and her son into their family.
IF his familiy gives their approval with open hearts......then you can talk to the girl's brother (or have your sister talk to the girl herself) to see if she's ready to even consider a rishta at this point. She may still be grieving her deceased husband. IF she says she's ready to move forward....then the typical rishta talks can begin. And IF she says "no"....then your friend's family can start looking for another "mature" girl since they'll be aware of the fact that their son is not interested in a younger girl.