If you won't look, you won't find the one.

[STA]

Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.

If girls shows tiny amount of rudeness then decent guys usually leave them. It is good for you to talk decently and keep your gesture and body language pleasant and soft. your chances may higher for tea trolley march.

[Ashy2010]

Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.

@Paheli00

I’m curious…What is the basis for this particular belief? Do you have guy friends who have led you to believe that guys want to marry girls who’re “difficult to get”? Every single woman you know in-real-life…did ALL of them have an arranged marriage?

Majority of the girls I know went through arranged marriages. Few who have been through love marriage, I am not sure how much efforts WERE put up by these girls. It was just found out that so and so girl is getting engaged with one of their class fellows/ colleagues… I keep on wondering how much efforts do girls make in attracting the guy or how differently did she act to be more open/ flirty. Guys do different between girl who are MARRIAGE MATERIAL and who are not. I believe guys tend to think about girl who become too obvious in attracting them that these girl might be doing same with other guys and thus they might lose respect in guys’ eyes.

I saw this mentioned earlier too. This might be my own ignorance but I’m actually very confused by this. When it’s suggested that you talk to a guy in a friendly matter at a social event…what exactly do you think would be considered inappropriate about that? What do you think will be said by the girl that would lead a guy to believe that she’s not suitable for marriage?

Overly friendly and liberal girls do get comments from my guy friends. My brother noticed few girls who had been working hard to get his attention (being overly friendly, finding excuses to be with him etc) and according to my brother, guys do tend to identify girls who are imposing themselves on guys. Interestingly, such girls move on quickly to be with other guys when they don’t succeed with a particular guy. Such girls make a mission to work on guys which I think would be a turn off for guys. The trick here I guess is to be friendly without having this goal in your mind. If you interact with a guy with the goal of long term relationship, guys are genius enough to know that.

I guess, in our desi society, it is considered wierd if a girl suddenly approaches a guy and starts chatting to him. It would be considered more appropriate by guys if the girl was introduced by somebody. A girl approaching a guy even for a friendly chat would make a desi guy very conscious about the girl’s motives unless she makes it clear otherwise.

We’re not talking about a situation where you’re (not YOU but girls in general) dressed like a slut and having a conversation about sex or other inappropriate topics. We’re definately not talking about a scenario where you’re physically all over a guy. In situations where its a respectable social gathering (professional/work events, house parties at a friend’s house etc.)…if a girl initiates a conversation…or responds in a friendly manner to a guy who approaches her…how does that lead to you losing values or character?

Its more about showing your desperation and showing that you are on a mission to find a guy and hitting on guys with this aim in mind. This would make guys think that a girl would be using any tactic to attract the guy. Using tactics to attract the guy is not something which they would expect from a girl who is MARRIAGE MATERIAL.

Maybe the guys I know are all weird but they all dislike girls who do the “I’m difficult to get” routine. They consider these girls to be stuck-up and don’t consider them for anything. In their view, why bother wasting time on someone who doesn’t want to be approached…when there are plenty other girls who’re open to getting to know them.

I’d really love to know if any guys reading this would give more izzat to girls who refuse to carry a friendly chatter and come across as being difficult to get. Would any of you (guys reading this) consider them more of the “wife material” versus a girl who chooses to react to you in a friendly/“I’m open to getting to know you” manner?

I might be wrong. But all of the above is my observation based on my experiences and feedback from my guy friends.

I always felt that I need to hold onto my values when interacting with guys. But I guess I need to realise that being more friendly with a guy is NOT against my values especially when my parents are open to the idea of anyone approaching me for marriage purpose.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

@Paheli00

I'd really love to know if any guys reading this would give more izzat to girls who refuse to carry a friendly chatter and come across as being difficult to get. Would any of you (guys reading this) consider them more of the "wife material" versus a girl who chooses to react to you in a friendly/"I'm open to getting to know you" manner?

I would - I believe there is no need to get friendly with na-mehram. "getting to know you" for honest intentions and marriage purposes is different and does not require months and years of interaction.

this modern concept of husbands having girl-friends and wives having guy-friends is completely ridiculous and inappropriate imo

so to answer ur question, yes i would

[partyslims]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

@Paheli00

I'd really love to know if any guys reading this would give more izzat to girls who refuse to carry a friendly chatter and come across as being difficult to get. Would any of you (guys reading this) consider them more of the "wife material" versus a girl who chooses to react to you in a friendly/"I'm open to getting to know you" manner?

I wouldn't have any opinion about them (apart from physical attraction) without getting to know them some what.

[inspiron]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

I always felt that I need to hold onto my values when interacting with guys. But I guess I need to realise that being more friendly with a guy is NOT against my values especially when my parents are open to the idea of anyone approaching me for marriage purpose.

I think you hit the nail on the head Ashy. Its about finding the right balance between not being 'too forward/desperate' and being friendly and fun to talk to.

We need to realise we can be friendly without being too forward without losing out izzat or going against our culture what our parents taught us.

There is a middle ground. Its not all black and white.

[Pakilarka]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

I would - I believe there is no need to get friendly with na-mehram. "getting to know you" for honest intentions and marriage purposes is different and does not require months and years of interaction.

this modern concept of husbands having girl-friends and wives having guy-friends is completely ridiculous and inappropriate imo

so to answer ur question, yes i would

My Dad was in his childhood friend's house, He didnt have a mobile on. So i had to call uncles home.... Uncle's daughter who I didn't talk to for like 10 yrs picked up. I thought she wud be little frndly but she was like who, I am fine, uncle app ka phone hai.... Very cold attitude.

That was December 2008 and today Uncle is my Susar, His daughter is my Wife and My Dad and Uncle have a common grand daughter.

[Paheli00]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

@ Ashy: Thank you for the clarification. Actually, I think you and I are saying the same thing (ie. girls not going out with the sole purpose of finding a hubby and thus, coming across as desperate)...........we're just wording it very differently. :)

[inspiron]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

Pakilarka we are not really talking about the traditional 'arranged' marriage here though.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.

proud of my multi :k:

@Pakilarka

My Dad was in his childhood friend’s house, He didnt have a mobile on. So i had to call uncles home… Uncle’s daughter who I didn’t talk to for like 10 yrs picked up. I thought she wud be little frndly but she was like who, I am fine, uncle app ka phone hai… Very cold attitude.

That was December 2008 and today Uncle is my Susar, His daughter is my Wife and My Dad and Uncle have a common grand daughter.

the point paki made is the girl who showed ‘cold attitude’ is his wife today.

@inspiron

Pakilarka we are not really talking about the traditional ‘arranged’ marriage here though.

[Pakilarka]

Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.

@ShahreyarKhan

proud of my multi :k:

When r you make us proud Bro ?

[Pakilarka]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

Pakilarka we are not really talking about the traditional 'arranged' marriage here though.

It wasnt so arranged... At that time she was engaged (not with me)

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

hmm depends in what sense you want me to make you proud? lolss

When r you make us proud Bro ?

[Pakilarka]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

hmm depends in what sense you want me to make you proud? lolss

I meant to ask, when r u getting married :d

[inspiron]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

I dont understand. So from that one convo you two fell in love? and went to your parents?

[Paheli00]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

I would - I believe there is no need to get friendly with na-mehram. "getting to know you" for honest intentions and marriage purposes is different and does not require months and years of interaction.

this modern concept of husbands having girl-friends and wives having guy-friends is completely ridiculous and inappropriate imo

so to answer ur question, yes i would

Ok. That's fair. Let me word it in a different way.

So when you're in a social situation....any type of house parties, melas etc.....even professional gatherings....you NEVER have friendly chatter/conversations with women? Forget months or years of dating or chatting up a woman for any romantic purposes.........You NEVER have any nice/friendly banter/conversations with na-mehram women period?

Also, let's say you're in social situation where a woman came up to you, introduced herself and started a simple general conversation. Even if she herself isn't saying or doing anything to even hint at dating/marriage or anything romantic/sexual.......heck maybe the entire conversation has to do with whatever field you work in (assuming its a professional/networking event).....would you lose respect for her just becuase she chose to have a friendly conversation with you? Let's say she's good looking, Pakistani, Muslim....and just by whatever she's talking about....she comes across as being educated/intelligent. Despite all that, would you never consider her for marriage just because she started a conversation with you at a public event?

While I completely understand and respect your views in regards to dating......I'm curious about your views on women who decide to simply have a friendly conversation at a social event....a conversation without giving ANY hints at dating/marriage etc.

[Ashy2010]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

My Dad was in his childhood friend's house, He didnt have a mobile on. So i had to call uncles home.... Uncle's daughter who I didn't talk to for like 10 yrs picked up. I thought she wud be little frndly but she was like who, I am fine, uncle app ka phone hai.... Very cold attitude.

That was December 2008 and today Uncle is my Susar, His daughter is my Wife and My Dad and Uncle have a common grand daughter.

So you mean to say that you liked the girl because she had shown you her values? Or was that your parents who selected her for you? It seems to be an arranged marriage.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

lolss good question

I meant to ask, when r u getting married :d

dont know about paki, but its so hard to respond if every reply is an assumption - you loose track of the original topic

I dont understand. So from that one convo you two fell in love? and went to your parents?

[Xtron]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

Sup yo!

Never be afraid of initiating conversation yo. I mean what is the worst thing that could happen?. See as a guy this is one thing that actually gets me about Pakistani girls..say if i approach Pakistani girl to talk and have conversation (I am just not talking about flirt) they show attitude. Though our intention is nothing but striking nice conversation and get to know each other. And with Pakistani girls..it seems everything went well in terms of conversation..then they just don't have time to come out. And if I or one of my friends invite them for group dinner or so..very very few Pakistani women show up. And it is all decent event. None of us drink or bunch of players. Our sole purpose is to expand our social circle and get to know each other for networking as well. We make it very clear but it seems some Pakistani women do not want to show up. I mean..to compare i see most of the non-muslim desi girls come out and they actually meet people in my social circle and end up dating them. What i am saying yo is..not every desi guy want to flirt with ya. Me and some of my friends started this because we know how hard it could be find significant other. Not only for girls..trust me yo!
For instance other day I was invited to one of my friend's friend night out (my friend who is sikh fella). We went out for dinner and actually ended up making awesome connection with some of desi sikh women there. And these women were all working professionals. This is my opinion!..
And btw may i mention. My parents TOO asked me if i was interested in some girl..i should introduce her to them. May God bless them. So i have absolutely NO problem approaching girls and potentially introduce them to my parents. They key is attitude. When Pakistani women show even a bit of attitude..it turns us off. Now there are times..say if i really a girl then i would push it but it didn't happen. Also as someone said..DO NOT change yourself. Be yourself but be more approachable.

@Paheli00

I think you know what to do. Since you stated you're not an introvert....then just go out there and meet new people! There's nothing else to do other than to set a goal and going after it (ie. the goal isn't to get a husband....the goal should be to expand your social network, and see what happens). Because if you make new friends (men or women doesn't matter).....you never know who those people might know. :)

I think Paheli put it perfectly well. See..when a fella approached her..she was easy and open to go out for dinner though she might not have had feeling for him at the time. But she took the chance. So yap..congrats yo!..

For me, being friendly with desi guys who are a match makes me think that that they would have a negative image of me and my character and they will consider me some girl out to find a guy on her own and thus thinking bad about me. I believe that desi guys give izzat to girls who are difficult to get, follow their values and have good self respect and they only consider such girls for marriage. So being friendly with them doesn't lead a girl anywhere since a desi guy CAN consider an overly-friendly and liberal girl for friendship but NOT for marriage.

Its like juggling between how to be friendly with a desi guy without being tooo obvious and without losing my character and values. I don't want the guy to think that I am out on a mission to find a guy on my own and using strategies to prusue them.

Your concerns are valid yo.. but remember to be yourself. I mean have normal conversation. If he invites ya for coffee or dinner. Then go out. I mean it's not..we will go ahead get married second day. Stuff happens..may be guy and girl on first date don't end up liking each other and are friendzoned. So what yo!. It's all about taking chances..

[STA]

Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.

@Xtron

Sup yo!

Never be afraid of initiating conversation yo. I mean what is the worst thing that could happen?. See as a guy this is one thing that actually gets me about Pakistani girls..say if i approach Pakistani girl to talk and have conversation (I am just not talking about flirt) they show attitude. Though our intention is nothing but striking nice conversation and get to know each other. And with Pakistani girls..it seems everything went well in terms of conversation..then they just don’t have time to come out. And if I or one of my friends invite them for group dinner or so..very very few Pakistani women show up. And it is all decent event. None of us drink or bunch of players. Our sole purpose is to expand our social circle and get to know each other for networking as well. We make it very clear but it seems some Pakistani women do not want to show up. I mean..to compare i see most of the non-muslim desi girls come out and they actually meet people in my social circle and end up dating them. What i am saying yo is..not every desi guy want to flirt with ya. Me and some of my friends started this because we know how hard it could be find significant other. Not only for girls..trust me yo!
See the best thing ya could do is …to be more outgoing and approachable. Invite ya’re extended friend friend at ya’re apartment, go to movies, dinner etc!. I was invited to one of my friend’s friend night out (my friend who is sikh fella). We went out for dinner and actually ended up making awesome connection with some of desi sikh women there. And these women were all working professionals. And unfortunately most of Pakistani girls are either very workoholic or just don’t have time for socialization thus stay home. To say further, i find that..a woman who is social and outgoing gets fella somehow. This is my opinion!..and btw may i mention. My parents TOO asked me if i was interested in some girl..i should introduce her to them. May God bless them. So i have absolutely NO problem approaching girls and potentially introduce them to my parents. They key is attitude. When Pakistani women show even a bit of attitude..it turns us off. Now there are times..say if i really a girl then i would push it but it didn’t happen. Also as someone said..DO NOT change yourself. Be yourself but be more approachable.

I think Paheli put it perfectly well. See..when a fella approached her..she was easy and open to go out for dinner though she might not have had feeling for him at the time. But she took the chance. So yap..congrats yo!..

Your concerns are valid yo.. but remember to be yourself. I mean have normal conversation. If he invites ya for coffee or dinner. Then go out. I mean it’s not..we will go ahead get married second day. Stuff happens..may be guy and girl on first date don’t end up liking each other and are friendzoned. So what yo!. It’s all about taking chances..

@STA

If girls shows tiny amount of rudeness then decent guys usually leave them. It is good for you to talk decently and keep your gesture and body language pleasant and soft. your chances may higher for tea trolley march.

[Paheli00]

Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.

My Dad was in his childhood friend's house, He didnt have a mobile on. So i had to call uncles home.... Uncle's daughter who I didn't talk to for like 10 yrs picked up. I thought she wud be little frndly but she was like who, I am fine, uncle app ka phone hai.... Very cold attitude.

That was December 2008 and today Uncle is my Susar, His daughter is my Wife and My Dad and Uncle have a common grand daughter.

Nice and congrats! However, the MAJOR difference in your situation is that your dad and her dad had been friends for decades. So even though she came across as being cold.....due to the family connection, you had the means to find out that she's not a cold person but acted that way due to her values/beliefs.

We're talking about situations where the families don't know one other and there are no other mutual friends. There are no 3rd parties to vouch and say that the girl is really a nice girl even though she came across as being rude/cold.