Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
You've no idea how hard it is or isn't for others - so really, you ought to keep your constant judgements about others to yourself :)
If you open a personal thread you are opening yourself for judgment now this is a forum I am free to give my opinion just like you are.
They think they are social, welcoming and nice blah blah blah but if they actually were all those things don't you think they would have a husband already?
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
They think they are social, welcoming and nice blah blah blah but if they actually were all those things don't you think they would have a husband already?
Spoken like a true blonde!
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
Spoken like a true blonde!
If only I was blonde but truth is they aren't really opening themselves that much and if they think being reserved is good for them and they want to keep doing it then they should but its clear that its not working so they need to change something don't they? If they want to get married that is.
I agree with the girl who just got married (Phil) you have to be open minded and so far I've been reading a lot of closed minded ness from these girls.
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
very interesting thread
Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.
This is where I struggle. The whole eye contact and smile, its something I have seen many girls do. But I make a poker face.or ‘i am really busy’ face.
I love your story paheli! how often do guys approach girls like that though? I have only seen it happen to my super duper hot friends. Which i am sure you are too paheli 
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
In other words, guys don't wanna wait. How long does it take to (know someone) fall in love? A month? A year? 3 years?
If it clicks then seconds, if it does not then years....
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
Just a question, how many of you have actually asked your parents to find someone for you? (or at least help in the searach?). After reading this thread, arranged-marriage seems like a blessing in disguise...
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
^ My parents have been searching for like 2 years for me very actively. But they are getting fed up now of the process and have seen many of my friends around me have love marriages so keep encouraging me to find my own guy.
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
^ supplementary question:
Have you guys set the bar too high?
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
I feel an ideal situaton would be - you make friends with someone and then you end up liking eachother and then you get married.
^ I totally agree! But how do you make new friends? By being friendly, and opening yourself up to the possiblity of that friendship. Being shy, reserved, not smiling/making eye contact, not going to new places/events where you meet new people etc....None of these things will help you in making new friends. :)
BTW Inspi....I know you'r a Dr......Hulahoop Quenn...you mentioned patients so you're a Dr. too?!!
Forgive my ignorance but in the UK and Canada, aren't there constantly professional events/conferences/dinners etc. for doctors?! Hubby (and all his doctor friends) are constantly going to these events, and I know several couples who met the person they're currently with at these events!
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
^ supplementary question:
Have you guys set the bar too high?
Its usually the guys and their mothers who set there bar too high. For me its not a 'lack' of rishtas anymore ( it was initially) but my mum found a rishta woman here in the uk. Out of many rishtas over the 2 years. Only 1 has said yes and that all flopped.
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
^ I totally agree! But how do you make new friends? By being friendly, and opening yourself up to the possiblity of that friendship. Being shy, reserved, not smiling/making eye contact, not going to new places/events where you meet new people etc....None of these things will help you in making new friends. :)
BTW Inspi....I know you'r a Dr......Hulahoop Quenn...you mentioned patients so you're a Dr. too?!!
Forgive my ignorance but in the UK and Canada, aren't there constantly professional events/conferences/dinners etc. for doctors?! Hubby (and all his doctor friends) are constantly going to these events, and I know several couples who met the person they're currently with at these events!
I start working soon - in august I hope to God that in the new hospital I am going to that 1. There are some desi doctors. 2. I get a chance to go to these events. 3. I can get over my inability to hold eye contact and smile.
Sorry hoolahoop im taking over your thread :(
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
Paheli - that's a cute story. :-) I'll share mine too. Growing I used to be shy, esp around guys I liked but once I started working I quickly found out that it's a tough world out there and only the confident people get anywhere with work or their life (I'm in Finance - work for a bank). I decided to take more risks, be more social, more friendly and initiate conversations. This was not just for my personal life for my professional life also.
I think each of us has to find what works for them as no two people are alike. I know of girls who have no trouble attracting guys as they are always so relaxed, super friendly and approchable. But that never came naturally to me. However, I found out that I was good at initiating conversations with people.
Anyways, speaking about how I met my husband. We met at a desi Eid party - my brother asked me to come along as he knew a bunch of people going and a mutual friend of my brother's (a female friend) and mine was going to be there also. There were a lot of people there, when I first got there my friend hadn't arrived yet so I started speaking to two guys (most of the other people were standing around in larger groups so I found it easier to introduce myself to the two guys standing off to the side).
I said hello, we chatted a little but the guys didn't speak too much. I moved off to speak to other people, my brother introduced me to some friends and the mutual female friend we know showed up too. She reintroduced me to the guys I had spoken to earlier - it turned out that she had invited them to the party (they knew no one else there) as they were her friends from work (Co-op students). Anyways, the guys were not talkative (I assumed maybe not friendly) and I didn't speak to them again and promptly forgot all about them. Later, my friend called me up and asked if she could pass along my number to one of the guys I had initiated a conversation with that night (he was her good friend and she had only good things to say about him). I didn't even remember how the guy looked - said I was not really looking for a relationship but would be OK to be friends. He called me a few times and we chatted but I was too busy and didn't have time to meet up at the time.
About 9 months later I was unemployed and he got in touch again and this time we met up. We were just friends at first but it quickly developed into something more. I realized he was just shy around girls at first (NOT a bad trait at all! though he's well balanced and has both male and female friends). And now we're married. :-)
Sorry for the long story. But I guess what I am saying is...figure out what you can improve on / what works for you with your personality. Some girls speak with their eyes, make come hither eyes and are good at flirting and some aren't.
Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.
LOL…thanks! Of course, if you ask my hubby, he likes to simply tell people that he picked me up at a bar! 
Why do you have a poker face? Or the “I’m busy” face? What’s the worst thing that can happen if you make eye contact and smile?
BTW, at least in my experience, guys approach guys like that often. I dated other guys before my hubby. All of whom approached me nicely. Obviously those didn’t work out for one reason or another. It’s not like the very first “nice guy” who approaches you will end up being your husbnad. And just 1 doesn’t work out…that doesn’t mean you close yourself to all others.
All the guys I know…they approach girls in a nice way. I can tell you story after story…good stories and bad ones.
As for the “hot” comment… I honestly do believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Yes, there are guys out there who may look at me and think I’m “hot”…and there are also guys out there who wouldn’t give me a 2nd look. That goes for everyone. As long as you take care of yourself and dress appropriately for the situation you’re in…that’s all that mattesr. And to be brutally honest…what I’ve learned from listening to my guy friends…a girl’s looks may attract them…but without the “right” personality…they won’t stay.
** On a totally un-related note: I’m very amused by this b/c I have the exact problem that you girls do…but when it comes to other girls! I have no problem talking to guys in-real life…hence have a lot of guy friends…but for some reason, I get how you girls get when it comes to talking to girls! It’s something I’ve been working on with lots of encouragement from hubby…but I’m quite aware of the frustration you ladies feel. All the tips I gave earlier…those are tips I’ve been working on myself in order to expand my “female friend” circle…and it seems to be working well so far.
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
Paheli...I will honestly tell you what goes through my head when a guy tries to approach me......and i dont know why this happens. This is in nice places/restaurants/uni/train/hospital
guy looks at me
then i think. Why is that guy looking at me? What a pervert? he probably thinks I am some easy girl who is going to sleep with him? quickly look busy and uninterested
Now if I am out in London - I usually go with friends and we spend the wholeeeeeeeeeee day building up to the night out - hair, clothes, makeup blah blah and we go out all together feeling ultra social and super confident because I have built that persona.
This sounds really sad but I have an alterior ego - this sounds really weird - but when we go out to super nice posh places in london - i step into my alterior ego and I change into a different person. I get tonnes of attention and never pay for my own drinks. But i know in a bar I am not looking for marriage....its just nothing serious.
I dont really know what I am trying to say. I have confused myself.
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
@ Inspiron - I would say that you should keep an open mind wherever you are. As long as the guy is not weird or a creep though. Having said that - I could never accustom myself to be picked up at a bus stop / on the subway / random places. But that's just me, I have to have a good conversation with the guy to see what's he's like and if I'm interested. Therefore, I always preferred social events / networking events / house parties, even bars. From what I've heard though, my friends say guys you meet at bars / clubs are not looking for anything serious. However, I do know of one couple that met a salsa club and are married now (he sorta 'stalked' her lol) - the girl's Egyptian and guy's European. :-)
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
The fact that I know guys arent serious at bars/lounges makes me far more relaxed i think because you can have a quick chat and then walk away.
I guess its all about being open minded and friendly and relaxed.
I would say I am also better at initiating convo - but i always thought that came across as desperate/needy?
And what if you approach someone and they are completely uninterested? I dont know how I would deal with such a situation therefore never put myself there.
Re: If you won't look, you won't find the one.
For me, being friendly with desi guys who are a match makes me think that that they would have a negative image of me and my character and they will consider me some girl out to find a guy on her own and thus thinking bad about me. I believe that desi guys give izzat to girls who are difficult to get, follow their values and have good self respect and they only consider such girls for marriage. So being friendly with them doesn't lead a girl anywhere since a desi guy CAN consider an overly-friendly and liberal girl for friendship but NOT for marriage.
Its like juggling between how to be friendly with a desi guy without being tooo obvious and without losing my character and values. I don't want the guy to think that I am out on a mission to find a guy on my own and using strategies to prusue them.
@Decent6Chora: Arranged marriage seems to be the ONLY option for me. But going through all the difficulties, my parents seem to be open to the idea of a guy approaching me for marriage and thus my parents would consider it. It increases our chances.
Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.
Inspi: If you’re ok with guys looking at you a certain way at bars/clubs…then what difference does it make if they’re looking at your the same way at a restaurant/uni/hospital? Besides, why would a guy approach you if you didn’t think you’re good looking?! 
I’ve never had any of my guy friends think that a girl is “desperate” or “needy” just because she started a friendly conversation with him at a restaurant/bar/social event/house party whatever. Perhaps the men reading this can shed some light in this.
And yes, if/when you approach someone, there is always a chance that they’re not interested. I’ve been in that position before. But so what? It’s no different if a guy appraoches you and you’re not interested. Does it have a life-long effect on you or the guy? Nope. You don’t take it personally and move on. Besides, this is why you should start off in a friendly chatter! Just b/c a guy isn’t interested in you in a “romantic” way…that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with him. Once again…going back to that guy probably knows OTHER guys who’re single and may be a good match for you. That’s not a crazy idea you know.
I still think you (and perhaps some of the other girls) are over analyzing the situation. Don’t go out there with the sole purpose of finding a husband. Now that comes across as desperate! I know 2 girls in real-life who do this and it’s not attractive. I’ve also heard my guy friends make many comments about girls who make it very obvious that they’re searching for a husband when they’re out. Go out with the mind-frame that you want to make new friends. If you happen to find “the one” in that process…that’s great! But at the end…desi or non-desi…Muslim or non-Muslim…guys or girls…just go out and meet new people!
Re: If you won’t look, you won’t find the one.
I’m curious…What is the basis for this particular belief? Do you have guy friends who have led you to believe that guys want to marry girls who’re “difficult to get”? Every single woman you know in-real-life…did ALL of them have an arranged marriage?
I saw this mentioned earlier too. This might be my own ignorance but I’m actually very confused by this. When it’s suggested that you talk to a guy in a friendly matter at a social event…what exactly do you think would be considered inappropriate about that? What do you think will be said by the girl that would lead a guy to believe that she’s not suitable for marriage?
We’re not talking about a situation where you’re (not YOU but girls in general) dressed like a slut and having a conversation about sex or other inappropriate topics. We’re definately not talking about a scenario where you’re physically all over a guy. In situations where its a respectable social gathering (professional/work events, house parties at a friend’s house etc.)…if a girl initiates a conversation…or responds in a friendly manner to a guy who approaches her…how does that lead to you losing values or character? 
Maybe the guys I know are all weird but they all dislike girls who do the “I’m difficult to get” routine. They consider these girls to be stuck-up and don’t consider them for anything. In their view, why bother wasting time on someone who doesn’t want to be approached…when there are plenty other girls who’re open to getting to know them.
I’d really love to know if any guys reading this would give more izzat to girls who refuse to carry a friendly chatter and come across as being difficult to get. Would any of you (guys reading this) consider them more of the “wife material” versus a girl who chooses to react to you in a friendly/“I’m open to getting to know you” manner?