I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

[redvelvet]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

@SameenaQ's Husband,

Husband Sahib,.... If you truly ARE reading this thread, I do not know whether you want to remain married or not. Based on what we are reading, she and her family seem more in the wrong.

However, in an attempt to be "fair"....if one of the reason's for your wife's frustrations were your own parents' mistreatment.....then that is something you will have to work on. If you truly think that your parents "mistreated" her, then this problem will be there even if you were to marry another woman. What guarantee us there that the next woman you marry won't be mistreated by your parents?

Similarly, what guarantee is there that the 3rd husband Sameena marries will not be mistreated by her own parents....especially her dad. What guarantee is there that Sameena won't stop running to her parents' home every time she has issues with her 3rd husband. What guarantee us there that her parent won't be meddlesome with her 3rd husband?

The point that I am trying to make is that even if you and Sameena get divorced and marry other people, then your brand new spouses will still have to deal with the SAME issues. These issues are that both of you have parents that act in unfair ways....and in Samina's case she is too dependent on her family. So, you both will be carrying the same issues/habits into the next marriage........no?

So Husband sahib.....if you plan to remain married to Samina and if she is somehow able to return to your home. Then she needs to work on becoming stronger and not running to her parents every time that she feels frustrated. And YOU need to try to calm your own parents down so that they do not "mistreat" when she returns to your home....because chances are they must be currently very pissed and unforgiving toward her. And if this marriage will be given another chance.....then you'll have to manage you parents' attitude/grudge toward her and she'll have to exercise more patience and try to bond with them as best she can.

Or the other option is that you guys move into a separate home and live away from the parents.

And the last alternative is separation. But you both should consider all options carefully and try your best to save a marriage and if despite all the best efforts....nothing is working then consider separation. I may receive flak for this, but ...barring certain exceptions....I think divorce should be the last resort. Yes, Sameena needs to grow up but that is something that can hopefully be improved upon. At least Alhundolillah she is able to see and admit that she has made mistakes and feels bad for them; some people are not even capable of admitting their faults. So, if there are some chances that this marriage can still work...if there's still potential for change.....then that should be explored first.

[S02]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

There's a saying I heard recently: "When someone shows you who s/he really is, believe her/him."

Your actions speak louder than your words, Sameena. For all your tears and excuses and expressions of fears and concerns, you have done nothing to show that you are actually a decent or worthy human being. All of your actions show you are the opposite, manipulative, conniving, and selfish. If that is not true, then stop all the blubbering and whining and actually ACT. The words of a liar are meaningless, so you should stop uttering them. You want to change the way he sees you, then ACT DIFFERENT.

[mahool]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse—please please help!!!

@SameenaQ

Our was arranged marriage. Our parents bad mouthed each other after our separation. My father doesn’t dislike my husband but he dislike his parents. I dislike his parents too because inlaws were not nice to me. So my father suggested to get rid of my husband. I am the only child yes.

You would take break more peacefully and taking your husband in confidence while leaving your place.
You took all belonging along with you. This implies that you were thinking to take very long break…

@SameenaQ

My father is punishing my husband because my father has huge ego problem.

Why is he punishing him?

@Aaze

And then they say maturity comes with age .. :hinna:

Prayers for the husband!

:k:

Maturity is subjective…

You were previously divorced at the age of 29… You immediately got married while you turned 30… Usually people take time when going into another relationship.

You physically lived with your husband for only four to five month. The only complain you reported was financial situation.

My overall verdict on this issue. You are too immature for marriage. This relationship is not only for physical needs, emotional needs but all other circumstance in your long way.

Making one issue and wrapping your belonging and sitting at *meeka *are signs of immaturity. Unfortunately, your parents are also immature… They are not helping you but making your life difficult…

[Falto]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

Yeah Third, fourth, fifth husband and on n on..how many lives Sameena will destroy just for her dad..
Is she just blaming her dad for her own mistakes?
Do parents breakup marriages of their own children?
I always thought a bad marriage is better then divorced life!
Wish your husband a great life after you!!He should never ever forgive you, cause you are setting him up even a bigger issue in the future..Allah save your hubby from you!!

[Mirch]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

merri hemmat nahin ho rahiee on se bat karne kiee. i dont want to face him. if someone did this to me what i did to him, i wouldn't want to see them in my life again. i am seeing weird dreams about big snakes eating my hands and fire is been put in inside my mouth. I cannot sleep. i am falling sick everyday. please tell him to forgive me. please.

Only you can pickup that freaking phone and call him and apologize, I cannot do that for you because I do not know his phone number. If you can PM me that number I can try calling him and talk to him on your behalf.
But I will advise him to get a restraining order against your parents otherwise they will keep meddling and your life would still be a mess and you would never be able to live happily ever after.

[Paheli00]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

barring certain exceptions....I think divorce should be the last resort.

I agree with you. However, FALSELY accusing the husband of mental and physical abuse....an accusation that can not only destroy the man's reputation but also land him in jail is one of those "exceptions" in my opinion.

In her first post she clearly write that she and her never had an argument or fight. IF she was mistreated by his parents...then she needs to make the abuse accusations against them. I can understand this type of behavior from a 22 year old naive girl living in Pakistan. But being 30, this being her 2nd marriage & living in the U.S......no amount of "fear" from her own father or whatever......NOTHING justifies this woman's willingness to follow her father's suggestion and falsely accuse her husband in writing of abusing her.

At least Alhundolillah she is able to see and admit that she has made mistakes and feels bad for them; some people are not even capable of admitting their faults.

Have you ever met a cancer patient who refuses to give up smoking? Even though he/she knows that continuing to smoke will lead to more suffering/death. Have you ever met someone who has heart problems/diabetes etc. and knowing all the risks....still refuses to make any lifestyle changes?

Admitting past mistakes and feeling sorry for those mistakes are worthless if a person is not willing to do anything to change their present/future behavior. The fact that Sameena is posting here, instead of picking up the phone and calling her husband.....the fact that Sameena has done NOTHING to stand up to her father shows that nothing has changed. Words are worthless if actions don't back it up.

[redvelvet]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

Paheli,

1) First of all I never justified her or her family's behavior. Yes, I am aware of the gravity of what she and father have done.

2) Yes, I am aware that she, so far, has not even once said that she will take action. We do not know how strict her parents....especially her dad is. We do not know under what conditions she is living with her parents. We do not know if her parents are monitoring her every move like hawks. We do not know if she is beibg subjected to threats and heavy emotional blackmail from her parents....as Desi parents are known to do sometimes.

3) No, there is no excuse for her to act this way....especially at her age. But if she has had a very controlling and domineering upbringing from her parents.......then there's years of emotional/mental conditioning that she probably has to fight through to take a stand. For all of us it is easy to say that she should do this abd that.......but we don't know her living conditions nor do we know how hard it must be for her as an individual to do something; we all have varying strengths and weaknesses.

4) The person who is the MOST hurt here is probably the husband. And you know what.....? MashaAllah se he has a big enough heart to try and overlook his wife's stupidity and to work on their marriage. We are all acting as though we are the ones who were falsely accuser of violence.

***We do have to be careful about how we express things and some of us are posting in a really insulting and tanziyya and scathing way. I personally do not want to ignite hatred in the husband's heart toward her........through my posts nor do I want any other members' posts to sour his heart toward his wife........especially when he is still open to reconciliation and especially if he really is reading this thread. While I understand that in the end it's up to the couple to decide whether they want to remain married or get divorced............if I am dealing with two individuals who are very vulnerable right now.......I do not want it on mu conscience that the tone of my posts might have soured a person and inched him a bit closer to giving his wife a divorce......when I still feel that there may be room for hope.

5) A few folks are insulting her for getting married soon after her first divorce? So what? Maybe she knew her current husband prior to her first divorce. Maybe a rishta just happened to come by quickly for her than it typically does for other divorced women or even single women for that matter. The way I see it.......and you and others are welcome to disagree.......it was her qismat to get married soon after. So, if we're gonna give her taanay for marrying so soon......then we should take that up with Allah and ask Him why He destined her to get remarried so quickly. And before you tell me that maybe I think her recent mess is "destined" too.....I do not know about that, but I DO believe she has the responsibility to use her God-given aqal and free will in a way that helps her marriage rather than harm it.

I think we need to streamline our responses and keep them focused on what she needs to do NOW rather than things that were done with a long time ago.

6) I don't think I said anything wrong in my pervious post which you have quoted. I laid out all the possible options for this couple. Either resume the marriage, live separately, or get divorced. Even if OP decides to get divorced....I have still urged her several times to remove the charges of abuse from legal documents.

It's up to this couple to decide what they want......but I am not against them reconciling provided they both agree to make an active resolution to fix their mistakes. That said, I do not want to push for divorce not do I want to advise with an aggressive tone which might stir up negativity in the husband toward his wife if he still wants to work it out.

[redvelvet]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

With previous marital dilemmas in this forum, the spouse was not said to be a silent viewer. This (to my knowledge) is the first time that an OP's spouse is said to be viewer of this forum and she claims/insists that he is reading it. And he is in an emotionally vulnerable state...just as she is. So keeping that in mind, I personally think (and I could be wrong) that it behooves us to be just a bit more more mindful of the tone behind our suggestions this time...cuz the case is more delicate this time as both spouses are actively involved in the thread.

[sadia18]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

Posts are getting too long 😭😳

[redvelvet]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

^So what? It's not some required reading that you have to do for your school or work or even your deen. If you find it too long, simply skim or better yet...skip over the posts altogether. It ain't hard to do.

[Southie]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

Power point presentations are overrated. Complex issues sometimes need long and thoughtful posts.

[redvelvet]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse—please please help!!!

^Thanks, Southie.

[Mirch]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse—please please help!!!

@Southie

Power point presentations are overrated. Complex issues sometimes need long and thoughtful posts.

Are you a clown? You made me laugh while I was drinking my which ruined my white shirt.

[Southie]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

Sorry about that!

[NaMaan]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

[QUOTE]
When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.
[/QUOTE]
Stanley Milgram, *Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View*

[redvelvet]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

Stanley Milgram, *Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View*

Wow, that's an interesting quote. Never thought about it from this angle before. There's blind obedience where the subordinate may not find the commands unethical. And then there's fear-induced obedience.....where the person may be threatened or emotionally blackmailed by the person with authority. The latter at least comes with an awareness that the authority figure is wrong, so the former is more disturbing. :/

[Southie]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

^ did I just read what I read?

[redvelvet]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

^ did I just read what I read?

Are you speaking to me? I'm guessing your shock has to do something with the mindset of religious folks? I hope I'm wrong, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm right and if so...then I don't have the energy to debate that atm.

[Southie]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse---please please help!!!

@redvelvet

Are you speaking to me? I'm guessing your shock has to do something with the mindset of religious folks? I hope I'm wrong, but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm right and if so...then I don't have the energy to debate that atm.

I think you misunderstood. I respect your religious beliefs. The last sentence went against what I thought was a tenet of any religion.

[Sara516]

Re: I wrongfully accused my husband of abuse—please please help!!!

@Paheli00

I work in the legal field and have friends who are divorce/criminal attorneys. You’re certainly are not the first woman who accuses her husband of abuse out of spite. Its also not unusual for women to accuse husbands of abusing/molesting children in order to get the father out of the kids life.

Please tell me these women get caught? And punished? :hinna: