IMO, it is the hubby’s job to provide for parents as well as wife+kids. The OP is doing more than her part already by working to save for her own family, apart from taking care of the household chores. It is not easy managing both when married, you do double the hardwork for a goal and you don’t see yourself getting closer to it. It is extremely frustrating. I have been in a similar situation, and I have learned that you have to draw the line somewhere.
I don’t know about your in-laws but in my case, they are pretty well off. My hubby lost his job right after our marriage and the best he could find did not pay well enough. I had to move where we live so I didn’t have a job right away. We needed to buy things for our apartment, pay rent and bills. I had to add from my saving for my uni to make ends meet, which eventually ran out. It was stressful but his parents still asked for money. Like HELLO?? You want me to starve myself to death so the son can send you money you can pay to your maids and drivers?
Maybe my experience has made me bitter. :halo:
Anyway every time I tried to bring this up, it created fights but I kept at it. One fine day, God answered my prayers and it sank in.
Our responsibilities only increase with time. You need to figure a solution to your situation, OP, and have him stick to it, in case their is an emergency. Either have him do a PT job or cut down from your savings a little bit every month. Or if someone else has a bettter solution, do that.
We do have a house, BUT we have no savings, because each year everything we save goes towards the wedding. I have clear understanding that we won't have any savings until after his third sister gets married (iA next year.)
Rabia I think your situation is completely different than OPs. The money your husband is giving is to help his family with specific things and you also have an end in sight (ie. once his 3rd sister gets married next year, the savings will start for you). OP is not in the same spot.
I'm posting a portion from a post OP wrote in her previous thread about this. This is not only about helping elderly parents/sibling who NEED money. Her husband seems awful in managing money in general. He doesn't seem to realize that he also has a responsibility to have a plan for his wife and future children.
Even though he earns 6 figures, he keeps giving out significant chunks to his extended family whether they need it or not. I like that he sends money to his parents regularly, but it's not just them. He regularly gives money to his sister, brother, brother's wife, brother's wife's sisters, first/second/third cousins, etc. This isn't even including gifts which have to be extravagant, because his extended family expects the world from us just because we live abroad. Same thing with his friends. We spend a small fortune every time one of his friends gets married.
Siren, I dont understand why are you considering your savings to be only yours. Lets change the situation to where your income was used to pay for your household expenses and hubby's income was to be saved. Then would your thoughts be different?
I am in a very similar situation but instead of younger brothers, my husband has 3 younger sister. Two of them got married after our wedding and AH we spend almost $15K on each wedding. We didn't pay for the whole wedding, but contributed towards gold, gifts for guys, and two events during the wedding. I happily did all the shopping for the grooms and for my SIL's too.
We do have a house, BUT we have no savings, because each year everything we save goes towards the wedding. I have clear understanding that we won't have any savings until after his third sister gets married (iA next year.)
It is very frustrating and scary at time to not have any savings or to be able to do things I want with my own money. But again we are helping our family with it.
Talk to your hubby and let him know that how you feel and after the brothers wedding you want to save and keep all the money for the house...NO exception!
Im not considering it "my" savings but rather "ours". I only meant that the savings were from my salary. I'm not savig the money to blow it on myself. Its meant to be for our future.
So many of the desi guys, especially the elder brothers, have ZERO clue about financial matters. Yes, your parents have right over your money, but so does your wife and your own kids. Paying for sister's wedding is fine, even a must I would say. But paying for a brother's entire wedding especially if he has been working professionally for 3 years is definitely no. He should've saved enough money to comfortably do his own wedding. And if he doesnt have enough money he should do a less flashy wedding.
Also I have very low opinion of guys who ask their wives for money, unless its really necessary, like health issues ... not I want to buy my brother a new car for his wedding type stuff.
Agreed. But I dont know how to say all this tactfully. Hubby gets awfully sensitive if he thinks I'm telling him not to help his family
We have been working really hard to cut down on any unnecessary expenses. To be fair hubs suggested we move to a cheaper place (we are currently renting in an upper middle class suburban neighbourhood). I initially said no because I have always been used to a certain standard of living. Realistically we would only be saving like $500/month but this is something I feel really guilty about and a big reason for why I keep giving in. We are currently condo hunting.
The cheapest house here is at least $300k. Alhamdolillah we both have good salaries and have been saving as much as we can for the last 3 years. We have put together a financial plan for ourselves and if we stay on track we should be able to afford that in another 2-3 years IA. The problem is that in the last 2 years, our plan has completely fallen apart and if it keeps up I don’t know when we’ll be able to afford a house. I love my husband but this has caused a lot of fights between us.
Rabia I think your situation is completely different than OPs. The money your husband is giving is to help his family with specific things and you also have an end in sight (ie. once his 3rd sister gets married next year, the savings will start for you). OP is not in the same spot.
I'm posting a portion from a post OP wrote in her previous thread about this. This is not only about helping elderly parents/sibling who NEED money. Her husband seems awful in managing money in general. He doesn't seem to realize that he also has a responsibility to have a plan for his wife and future children.
Thanks. Id forgotten about this post. Makes me realize how far we have come. At least now he discusses stuff with me and the friends only get loans now. No more extravagant gifts either. But even so, he still has some sort of superhero complex where he must save everyone and it bugs me because I don't think I fit into that picture. My wishes just seem to come after everyone else's. I know he feels guilty about that and he has apologized to me for that. I know he is a good man but sometimes he is just so foolish I want to scream! Ugh.
Im not considering it "my" savings but rather "ours". I only meant that the savings were from my salary. I'm not savig the money to blow it on myself. Its meant to be for our future.
I mean, there you go. Since you consider the savings "our" savings, then it means it's yours **and **your husband's. It's a communal, collective amount of money. By calling it "our" savings you have in a way taken away your right to be upset with where that money goes. Your husband has just as much right to that money, regardless of who earns it, to spend it whatever way he likes, whether you like it or not. It would be the same way if you wanted to spend your collective savings on whatever you want, whether it be now, a year from now, or 10 years from now. If you really really really want to save money for your future, then you need to stop considering it a communal savings, and consider it your (my) savings. Savings that only you get to spend, whatever way you see fit.
I know this doesn't help your situation, how you feel, and how your husband will feel when you deny him spending rights on that money. But right now feeling what you feel, and complaining about it is moot, because you don't consider it only your money. Mutual savings by definition means that both parties have as much right to it as one person. But when 1 person goes, sorry, this is my savings only, I am not taking contributions from you or anyone else but only my earnings go into it, so I get to decide what I do with this money, then you can go ahead and refuse to let your husband spend that money on what he thinks is right.
To be fair hubs suggested we move to a cheaper place (we are currently renting in an upper middle class suburban neighbourhood). I initially said no because I have always been used to a certain standard of living. R*ealistically we would only be saving like $500/month* but this is something I feel really guilty about and a big reason for why I keep giving in. We are currently condo hunting.
Well if you expect your husband to compromise his habits, then you need to compromise your own too. Just because you are used to a certain standard of living, that does not mean you are incapable of getting used to something that's not quite the same. $500/month savings means $6K each year you're throwing away in rent that could be saved. Since there are no kids in the picture, it's not like you're getting the benefit of a good school district either. As long as it's just the two of you, you need to find the cheapest place possible in a safe/convenient neighborhood to save money.
P.S. The fact that you think of $500 as a small amount is a problem. Every dollar counts when two people are in your situation (i.e. trying to save up for a future home/child). Your husband is not the only one who needs to change his way of thinking when it comes to money.
Well if you expect your husband to compromise his habits, then you need to compromise your own too. Just because you are used to a certain standard of living, that does not mean you are incapable of getting used to something that's not quite the same. $500/month savings means $6K each year you're throwing away in rent that could be saved. Since there are no kids in the picture, it's not like you're getting the benefit of a good school district either. As long as it's just the two of you, you need to find the cheapest place possible in a safe/convenient neighborhood to save money.
P.S. The fact that you think of $500 as a small amount is a problem. Every dollar counts when two people are in your situation (i.e. trying to save up for a future home/child). Your husband is not the only one who needs to change his way of thinking when it comes to money.
You're right of course. And as I said, I did eventually agree to it which is why we are now hunting for a cheaper place. That I don't have a huge problem with. My problem is that We are sacrificing our comforts to fund someone else's. IL's have a legitimate need but I don't see why we have to fund his brother's security deposit for his place, subsidize his travel expenses or gift his sister a big screen TV, brand name watches/bags, etc. My initial refusal was due to my bitterness over this. The more I think on it, the more upset I get. Especially because i don't spend nearly as much on my family. My folks have straight up told me to return gifts they think are too expensive.
This is something that's been bugging me and I need some nice strangers on the internet to help me figure this out.
My husband is the older son. He has a keen sense of responsibility towards his family (and mine) and I usually admire him for that. Lately, however, it's started to bother me a little bit. If you remember from an earlier thread, my husband had asked me for almost $20k of my savings so his parents could buy a house last year. I had agreed to it at the time. Now his dad is sick, so he is again asking me for $10k so he can send it to his folks.
Siren, please see the bold statement by you. this is where i understood that you considered your saved money to be only yours and not both of you.
Somebody also questioned if Men are supposed to take care of their parents and family after they get married as well. YES!!! in our culture that is a fact for many families. It's shouldn't be a guy thing, but more of a children thing. Our parents take care of us all our life and if they need our time and money later on, we should be able to take care of them.
Is Islamic financing not an option for a potential home purchase? Saving for an outright home purchase will take longer - but can you help build your equity in your home and encourage prudent saving and spending practices by buying the home through these means? Mind you - you both must be on the same page and consider the short and long-term affordability of the home. In other words, don't be house-rich and cash-poor and consider for factors such a going to one-income if you start a family and other unexpected expenses.
Somebody also questioned if Men are supposed to take care of their parents and family after they get married as well. YES!!! in our culture that is a fact for many families. It's shouldn't be a guy thing, but more of a children thing. Our parents take care of us all our life and if they need our time and money later on, we should be able to take care of them.
In our family no-one sends money back home unless it's for something like medical care.. If there wasn't enough money for a big wedding the couple would be expected to make do with something simpler.. Giving money for cars, larger homes etc would be completely out of the question as well..
^ well good for your family and for your parents/inlaws who don't have the need for regular support. BUT not all families are the same and i was not talking about special situation, more like regular assistance.
In our family no-one sends money back home unless it's for something like medical care.. If there wasn't enough money for a big wedding the couple would be expected to make do with something simpler.. Giving money for cars, larger homes etc would be completely out of the question as well..
that doesn't always prove to be the case.
my BIL, who is also my first cousin, has two retired parents at home in karachi. both have significant medical issues that require care and neither pension is enough to cover their monthly expenses. my chacha and chachi, live a modest life with no desire to show off, alhamdulillah. yet they require help.
we don't think that it's unreasonable of them to look at their only son for support. in fact, it's his duty.
my BIL and sister both work hard to make ends meet while they provide for his parents.....and yes, they do provide money for a car....granted not a luxury one but one that can safely take them around without hassle......
nothing wrong with any of that.
If they pay bills with both their earnings from their joint account.. w.e is left will be both of theirs and not just hers or hubby's. They don't have to put all their money in one account... only enough to pay bills and meet their saving goals. Hubby and I put the same amount each month even if one earns more than the other and we are free to do w.e we have left over. I chose to save mine and hubby chooses to give his away. However, it leaves little room for him to give our combined savings away. We decide together what we do with it. If my mom needs money, I can give it to her from my personal money and if his family does, he does the same thing. If he has none because he chooses to give them money every month than I don't feel bad saying no because he has met his obligations already and he has other siblings who need to pitch in too.
It used to be way different when we first got married. We were always struggling while his family members kept asking for money to buy new cars, fancy clothes, etc all the time and go to paki every year.
