Re: I think I'm a horrible person...
This is an example from my mum and dad's life. My grandmother wanted to live in Pakistan and not in Kuwait (where my parents were) or in USA (where my tayya abbu lived and lives). This is in the 90s. My dad even though being the younger one, was always expected to pay for everything. His elder brother never did anything. Not like my tayya abbu back in the days was poor or something, quite on the contrary; very well off and he's still extremely well off now. My dad even though wasn't as well off as his brother back in the days, but he still bought a place for my grandmother in Lahore and got all the amenities with it; driver, cook, a lady to look after my grandparents and clean the house etc. My grandmother was never satisfied. It seemed the more my dad did for them money wise - send money every month, send pocket money and expenses, pay for their travel to Kuwait etc - the more my grandparents wanted it. It wasn't even that my grandparents were poor. They had land, they had income from that land, they had income from restaurants etc. Still, they were so used to my dad doing everything, that it had become a habit and they didn't want to spend their own money. They wanted to safeguard their own money and leave it as inheritance for their children, just use my dad.
My grandmother used to be harsh with my mum every time we used to visit her place in Lahore to stay on our vacations from Kuwait. She didn't treat my mum nicely, this was despite the fact that my mum's husband took care of their every valid and invalid need and want. I remember we used to live in an okay flat in Kuwait and live an okay life, but my grandmother used to live lavishly, buy gold etc. Eventually my mum talked some sense into my dad and made him stop acting like a mummy's boy, made him step up and take his responsibilities as a husband and father seriously. He bought another house in Lahore - a much smaller one, just for us when we wanted to visit Lahore and he started giving much lesser amount from his salary to his parents. He forced his brother to send money too, from the US. He brought a lot of changes into the way things happened. His parents despised him for it, but eventually they knew that their son has changed, has a family to look after too and we cannot just bloody well scrounge off of him any longer.
Point is, you're going through a somewhat similar situation, you've given your money now and it is never going to come back. Say you did this in the way of Allah and they're his parents - get over it now. Don't be upset, Allah doesn't like that. Start educating your husband, drop hints that he's a family man now, he's got a wife and iA someday he's going to have children, he needs to change his attitude towards money. One thing is Siren, don't ever lose hope and faith in your husband and stick to his side always. You're his wife and his parents mean something to you too. His father has a tumour, that is a serious condition so I don't see no harm in sending money for his treatment; but yes the paying for the brother's wedding is a bit too much. Talk calmly with your husband, don't tell him outright that don't pay for your brother's wedding, suggest him ways to cut down and why he should cut down, maybe he could partially pay for it, pay for some of the events, or you guys could take some gifts from the US for the family - I know weddings gifts take up a big chunk of the wedding budget, so maybe you guys could contribute in that way.
There's many ways this can be resolved, you just need to keep a calm and level headed approach, don't get emotional and ruin things for yourself. Relationships are fragile, but extra fragile these days.
My sisters got married few months ago in Lahore and my tayya abbu contributed towards my sisters weddings. They're his nieces, we expected him to contribute and he knew that he must. Instead of paying for any of the events, my tayya abbu and tayyi ammi brought gifts from the US and he paid for my sisters honeymoon suites at the Marriott in Islamabad. Just think about it, you lot can do something similar when it comes to contributing towards the brother's wedding. Doesn't necessarily have to be a solid chunk of money. Even though your husband is in the US with you, his family is still in Pakistan and he feels connected to them too. By doing these kinds of things, it is his way of staying in touch and connected with them. I agree that sending over huge chunks of money is not really helping you guys to settle and secure your future, but you shouldn't discourage him that much. No man wants to be alone and distant from his family. You should be supportive, you just need to change his perception and viewpoint as to how he can contribute. Change his way of thinking.