This is something that’s been bugging me and I need some nice strangers on the internet to help me figure this out.
My husband is the older son. He has a keen sense of responsibility towards his family (and mine) and I usually admire him for that. Lately, however, it’s started to bother me a little bit. If you remember from an earlier thread, my husband had asked me for almost $20k of my savings so his parents could buy a house last year. I had agreed to it at the time. Now his dad is sick, so he is again asking me for $10k so he can send it to his folks.
A bit of background, his parents aren’t super old (his dad is under 60 and mom is even younger than that). His dad is still working full time in a good company and has no other dependants. He is in a fairly senior position but is apparently being underpaid for his level of responsibility. But even so, he has got to have some savings right? And it’s not like my husband doesn’t send them a few thousand dollars every couple of months. Am I the evil DIL for not wanting to deplete our hard earned savings?
Before you jump to any conclusions, it has always been our intent that all my salary would go towards saving up for a house. It seems that every year there’s a new thing which just eats away at our savings and this is making me bitter because it means getting our own house will take that much longer.
My BIL is getting married next year and my husband has already said he will insist on paying for the wedding (like WTH? The guy has his own job and savings!!) I’m just frustrated and upset. What do you guys think I should do?
Also, I'm well aware of what my islamic rights are on my money but I don't want to hurt his feelings or cause any unpleasantness between us. It still bothers me though :(
Are there any duas I can read to stop myself from having these thoughts?
My in their 60s Khala khalo don't have a house and live in a rented place. Why? My khalo paid for the weddings of his 5 siblings on his own, took full financial responsibility of bed ridden mother (three other brothers not much younger than him btw), helped siblings financially whenever they crashed businesses, helped them build their own homes. Kept zero savings.
And when they were in financial trouble pretty much everyone said they were too broke to help so my nani of all the people had to bail them out.
So cross that home off your list because the way your husband is spending there will be no money left.
The elder brother syndrome is an addictive one with very very little payback. And it also cripples other siblings because they don't learn how to stand up on their own two feet.
If you remember from an earlier thread, my husband had asked me for almost $20k of my savings so his parents could buy a house last year. I had agreed to it at the time. Now his dad is sick, so he is again asking me for $10k so he can send it to his folks.
A bit of background, his parents aren't super old (his dad is under 60 and mom is even younger than that). His dad is still working full time in a good company and has no other dependants. He is in a fairly senior position but is apparently being underpaid for his level of responsibility. But even so, he has got to have some savings right? And it's not like my husband doesn't send them a few thousand dollars every couple of months.
Your husband sends his parents money on a regular basis. Last year, your husband send money for them to buy a home. Underpaid or not...your FIL has a full-time job. Do YOU know exactly how much your FIL gets paid? And where is the FIL's salary going? Frankly, before you give 1 more dollar....you need to find out for a fact where your FIL's salary is going to.
If your BIL has a job and his own savings....why does your husband insist on paying for the wedding? Frankly I think you need to have a serious conversation with your husband on whether he's interested in taking care of his wife and future children. Because based on what you've written, your husband's main priority seems to be paying for everything related to his parents/siblings without giving any thought to how it effects you and the future of this marriage.
If your FIL didn't have a job and the siblings had no source of income...that would be different. But it's ridiculous for your husband to give away thousands and thousands of dollars when there are other sources of income. If $10K is needed for FIL's health treatment.....then the other brother (who has a job and savings) needs to contribute half.
Regarding Paheli's questions, I'm not sure where FIL's income goes and I feel like I have no business asking. From what my husband has told me his parents have always had a giving heart, so give a lot of it away and have never put much stock in saving up.
BIL can't help because he recently started working on his masters degree.
My husband's income gets used up in our regular expenses and whatever is left gets sent to parents, siblings, or gets used on vacations.
Going about this in terms of who is getting what and why, I think, is wrong. Frame this discussion in terms of fiscal discipline and saving and have that discussion only with your husband. And you need to do this without mentioning his parents or siblings; there is no point in antagonizing others, when you already know where the problem is. You may have to do it several times, coz desi guys, in general, lack the financial IQ.
OP, as you mentioned that you don't know how much your FIL makes, but you know that he's underpaid. It seems that whatever he is getting.the large chunk of that is going in the monthly expenses. Electricity bills, gas bills,telephone bills, taxes, maids salaries(if they have maids), grocery, transportation and medical expenses and the "lena dena" that happens a lot in Pakistan, all these expenses must be taking all you FIL is making. You also mentioned that they bought a house last year and you guys contributed USD20K for that. This means that your FIL must have contributed a big amount from his account as well for the house as generally no house can be bought in only USD 20K in Pakistan. All his savings plus the regular money your husbands sends to them must have gone into the house and now he's left with no savings as such, that looks like a reason why he again needed 10k in just one years time for medical treatment as practically speaking a person who is on average salary in Pakistan really can't save up to usd 10k in one year's time.
Your BIL also just started working now and this means your FIL must be paying for his education as well till recently. From this angle, i don't see that your FIL or parents in law are the ones who like to take advantage of their kids money while saving up their own earned money. I think they are in genuine need of the support by their son(your husband) and your husband knowing all the dynamics feels responsible towards their needs. no harm in that but only thing you can talk to him about is why can't he send his parents money from his a/c only without using the money you make? Also, you should talk to him somehow that now since your BIL has started earning, he should also pitch in because if he is not asked to pitch in right fro m the beginning, he might not pitch in ever( tendency in younger siblings that if elder ones are doing it all, then they don't bother much).
Also, i don't see a reason why your husband is paying for the whole wedding of your BIL. he can contribute a little, but primarily it is your BIL's responsibility to pay for his own wedding according to his own means. If your BIL is not making much, then he shouldn't be getting married at this stage to begin with. But in any circumstances if he is, then he should finance his own wedding function within his means and should not rely on your husband.
You are not responsible to pay for his parents house or his younger brothers wedding. Put your foot down and tell him, nothing to be paid to either your or his family unless they are broke.
The other option is both contribute equally to house hold expenses and whatever is left, let it be left to either person's discretion.
Did you suggest that his salary goes towards expenses and yours for saving? If yes then it was a bad idea.
OP, as you mentioned that you don't know how much your FIL makes, but you know that he's underpaid. It seems that whatever he is getting.the large chunk of that is going in the monthly expenses. Electricity bills, gas bills,telephone bills, taxes, maids salaries(if they have maids), grocery, transportation and medical expenses and the "lena dena" that happens a lot in Pakistan, all these expenses must be taking all you FIL is making. You also mentioned that they bought a house last year and you guys contributed USD20K for that. This means that your FIL must have contributed a big amount from his account as well for the house as generally no house can be bought in only USD 20K in Pakistan. All his savings plus the regular money your husbands sends to them must have gone into the house and now he's left with no savings as such, that looks like a reason why he again needed 10k in just one years time for medical treatment as practically speaking a person who is on average salary in Pakistan really can't save up to usd 10k in one year's time.
Your BIL also just started working now and this means your FIL must be paying for his education as well till recently. From this angle, i don't see that your FIL or parents in law are the ones who like to take advantage of their kids money while saving up their own earned money. I think they are in genuine need of the support by their son(your husband) and your husband knowing all the dynamics feels responsible towards their needs. no harm in that but only thing you can talk to him about is why can't he send his parents money from his a/c only without using the money you make? Also, you should talk to him somehow that now since your BIL has started earning, he should also pitch in because if he is not asked to pitch in right fro m the beginning, he might not pitch in ever( tendency in younger siblings that if elder ones are doing it all, then they don't bother much).
Also, i don't see a reason why your husband is paying for the whole wedding of your BIL. he can contribute a little, but primarily it is your BIL's responsibility to pay for his own wedding according to his own means. If your BIL is not making much, then he shouldn't be getting married at this stage to begin with. But in any circumstances if he is, then he should finance his own wedding function within his means and should not rely on your husband.
All very valid points. To clarify, the in-laws already had a house in Pakistan and they sold it to upgrade to a better house/neighbourhood. We covered the full difference between the price of the old house vs. the new so none of their savings were touched at all. Furthermore, they have had no dependants for at least two years. BIL has been working at a very well paying job for the last three years and has only recently decided to pursue a masters. That is why my husband doesn't want him contributing to anything.
My logic is that FIL hasn't gotten a pay decrease and since he has been supporting his entire family on the same salary all his life. Having all his dependants support themselves should result in them having at least some savings right?
You are not responsible to pay for his parents house or his younger brothers wedding. Put your foot down and tell him, nothing to be paid to either your or his family unless they are broke.
The other option is both contribute equally to house hold expenses and whatever is left, let it be left to either person's discretion.
Did you suggest that his salary goes towards expenses and yours for saving? If yes then it was a bad idea.
It was a mutual decision and the intent at the time was to save a portion from his salary as well. But that has never happened. We've cut down on all our frivolous spending, but still all savings from his salary go to his folks
Going about this in terms of who is getting what and why, I think, is wrong. Frame this discussion in terms of fiscal discipline and saving and have that discussion only with your husband. And you need to do this without mentioning his parents or siblings; there is no point in antagonizing others, when you already know where the problem is. You may have to do it several times, coz desi guys, in general, lack the financial IQ.
Agreed on the financial IQ comment. I've tried to have this discussion with him in the past. This is by no means a brand new issue, but he always gets hypersensistive when it comes to his parents. Even though I've tried to be diplomatic, he misunderstands my meaning, gets upset with me and we end up fighting. I don't know how to have this conversation without him blowing up at me.
Did your in-laws for your husband's wedding? If yes, then there may be an expectation that he pay it forward. If they didn't, then it doesn't make sense for your husband to pay for his brother's wedding. That being said, sending money to your in-laws for medical expenses and home expenses is not a bad thing and is its own reward. Yes, maybe the amount you send should be moderated to a more practical amount, so that you two can attain your own financial goals.
Did your in-laws for your husband's wedding? If yes, then there may be an expectation that he pay it forward. If they didn't, then it doesn't make sense for your husband to pay for his brother's wedding. That being said, sending money to your in-laws for medical expenses and home expenses is not a bad thing and is its own reward. Yes, maybe the amount you send should be moderated to a more practical amount, so that you two can attain your own financial goals.
No they wanted to contribute, but husband insisted he cover all wedding related expenses including all gifts and even the living expenses for relatives who came over to stay for the wedding festivities.
My husband has a piss poor sense of money management. Lately, he's been super stressed about saving, since he wants to buy a house so his parents can come live with us. Unfortunately, he still feels obligated to cover all his parents' expenses in the interim. I get that parents have haq over your money, but still. Sometimes I get annoyed at him for going so overboard with everything, but them feel bad immediately afterwards because I know if my parents needed anything he would be just as selfless. I'm just so tired of feeling like the selfish b**chy DIL :(.
You both need to sit down with a financial advisor who can show you how to properly manage your finances and plan for the future in a fiscally responsible way. Maybe seeing it in black and white and hearing it from a neutral third party will knock some sense into your husband because the track you're on now will lead you straight to the poor house, not your own house.
Agree with StrangeOne 100%. At some point you have to cut people off, otherwise it will forever leave them dependent. You are not helping anyone. Besides I don't see a need to send your in-laws any money.
We should all learn to live in whatever means we can provide for ourselves.
I would not hesitate to help financially if it's for someone's health. Wouldn't you want your kids to help you if you couldn't pay your medical bills? Or would it feel good that your kids are hesitant to help you because they want to save money? I agree that you do not need to pay for your BIL's wedding or for any materialistic "wants." I see this as an exception and you should help but you need to tell your husband that you won't be paying for his brother's wedding. That's unnecessary.
You both need to sit down with a financial advisor who can show you how to properly manage your finances and plan for the future is a fiscally responsible way. Maybe seeing it in black and white and hearing it from a neutral third party will knock some sense into your husband because the track you're on know will lead you straight to the poor house, not your own house.
Done it already. Got little to nothing out of it. Finanncial advisors here just express surprise that we aren't putting all our money into high interest savings accounts. blah blah blah. We've talked about it on an islamic level as well, set targets, made goals and then when we fail to meet our goals, hubby is just like "what can I do? Ammi abbu need me. I don't want them to worry about anything". Which is good for the parents, but not for me
I don't agree with the idea of not sending any money to parents/in-laws. For children to be where they are and enjoying their level of success, I think in a majority (though not all) South Asian families, it's because our parents sacrificed their own desires to help us get the best education and opportunities. Sending them money, in itself shouldn't be considered some grand favour we're doing for them. But.....that being said, I think how much you send should be dependent on their needs, their fiscal prudence, and one's own financial obligations and goals.
If you break it down, sending money for the parents to buy a better home and medical expenses seems reasonable to me (but for the parents spending on children's education, maybe they would have had the savings to afford those things for themselves). Sending money so the parents can urao-fy it on relatives in an effort to be overly generous is pointless - charity and generosity has its place, but not to the extent of digging ourselves into a financial hole. Paying for the BIL's entire wedding, is also not a reasonable expense (though contributing some amount that they afford is okay). This is a perfect example of living life in moderation.
All of that being said - you guys needs to seriously set goals for savings and giving. The money he sends to his family and the money he saves to send to his family should be earmarked from your collective budget. Instead of saving as an example, $20,000 a year, maybe you save $15,000 for your home purchase and earmark the other $5,000 for his parents in PK. This would be over on top of what he sends on a monthly/regular basis to his family.