I don't know why at this age your in laws needed to upgrade to a better house. Most people move to a smaller home as dependents move out or at least stay where they are. Those savings of $20 K could have been used for your FIL's medical bills instead of being blown on the better house. The idea of having kids so that they can provide luxuries to parents and family is a very selfish one. I am sorry. Helping out in case of medical bills, day to day expenses etc is different, but expensive weddings and expensive gift giving among relatives is a different ball game all together.
What about your own parents and family? Or they don't count? Desis are westernized only in the sense that women should earn and contribute but if they do so for their own parents and maika, that's a big no no. Thing is, people back home think that family who lives abroad has an obligation to send unlimited amount of money back to Pakistan.
I don't know why at this age your in laws needed to upgrade to a better house. Most people move to a smaller home as dependents move out or at least stay where they are. Those savings of $20 K could have been used for your FIL's medical bills instead of being blown on the better house. The idea of having kids so that they can provide luxuries to parents and family is a very selfish one. I am sorry. Helping out in case of medical bills, day to day expenses etc is different, but expensive weddings and expensive gift giving among relatives is a different ball game all together.
What about your own parents and family? Or they don't count? Desis are westernized only in the sense that women should earn and contribute but if they do so for their own parents and maika, that's a big no no. Thing is, people back home think that family who lives abroad has an obligation to send unlimited amount of money back to Pakistan.
That's quite harsh! They moved because they wanted to live closer to my SIL since she is the only sibling still living in the same city. SIL lives in a nicer neighbourhood so obviously there was a price difference for the same type of house. And honestly, I've no clue what they do with their money but I don't want to judge them based on assumptions.
Regarding my parents; as I said before, my husband is just as foolishly generous with my family as he is with his own.
What is your FIL's health condition? What treatment will he need?
How many kids do you have?
It looks to me that you guys are saving more money therefore you husband send that money to his parent on different unnecessary reasons.
You really need to create expense(home, kids, medical insurance), till then he keeps send money.
We don't have kids yet, which is why I think he's so easy about spending all our money. FIL has a tumor and even though it's early stage we're all very worried. That is mostly why I don't want to say no to hubby. As I said, we've created a budget, we just always end up going over it because he never says no to his mum (the brother's wedding thing was her suggestion).
Sorry, I must have missed the part about medical expenses, maybe you can pay the actual bills instead of sending cash.
Good idea, but logistically, it's just not possible to do that. We live on different continents, so it would be incredibly difficult to manage.
I am not in a similar boat so i could never know what is actually going behind the curtain. But in a situation like this i always say that what if you switch the roles ?
I mean, what if your parents had asked you that they need $10K for something ? Would you have said yes ? If you didn't have enough would you have asked your husband to take care of it ? If the answer is YES then you are over-reacting. Why you are having double standards here ?
If the answer is NO - then you are right. Your husband is wrong and you should tell him
We don't have kids yet, which is why I think he's so easy about spending all our money. FIL has a tumor and even though it's early stage we're all very worried. That is mostly why I don't want to say no to hubby. As I said, we've created a budget, we just always end up going over it because he never says no to his mum (the brother's wedding thing was her suggestion).
Tumor thing is very serious though he is in initial curable stage. If you deny to send money, you will be evil in your husbands and in laws eyes.
You really need to plan your family. No expense will always give your husband license of urafying money(with said nautre of giving money to wedding and home buying).
You should buy a home, have kids, have cars. I hope this could solve your problem.
Sorry…no disrespect meant to you eastern but I found this harsh as well.
Our parents spend their lives raising us. They feed, clothe, house and care for us. They give of their time and often sacrifice their own health to make sure that we don’t suffer when we are dependent on them. (I know how many times my parents passed up buying things for themselves just so that they could buy something that I wanted or take me to an event that I wanted to attend.) And they do this for each and every child they have. Not just one or two. So when the time comes for us to take care of them, I don’t think that it’s fair to question their rightful needs (which I know that you would not question) or even their somewhat extravagant desires.
I’m not sure that anyone has kids with the sole purpose of procreating a support system for themselves. At least I’ve never heard of anyone having that intention. But even then, our faith teaches that we cannot even repay our mother for that one time that she suffered the labour of pregnancy and delivery, so how can we possibly begin to repay them both for a lifetime of caring?
Anyways…
To the OP:
You have done 8 out of 10 things right. Don’t lose hope…carry on. Make the budget and put more effort into sticking to it. For example: how often do you refer to the budget when you consider spending on something? Do you only refer to it once a month or annually? Perhaps it should be more “in your face” (or in hubby’s face, ) every time you are making a decision about a purchase like entertainment, eating out or other luxuries. Trust me…you will never miss the movie you never saw in the cinema or the meal that you didn’t buy from outside, but you will miss your parents when they are gone. (May Allah keep them with you both for a very long time to come, ameen!)
What you think of yourself is important. So if you are not at peace with how things are going, address the issue until you are satisfied with the path you both are on. If you feel guilty for objecting to the current situation, consider the fact that you may not be unhappy about what he is doing but worried instead about the future. There’s nothing horrible about wanting to plan for financial security for yourself. Try to change your perspective on the problem and approach from one that will make you happy about yourself.
I am not in a similar boat so i could never know what is actually going behind the curtain. But in a situation like this i always say that what if you switch the roles ?
I mean, what if your parents had asked you that they need $10K for something ? Would you have said yes ? If you didn't have enough would you have asked your husband to take care of it ? If the answer is YES then you are over-reacting. Why you are having double standards here ?
If the answer is NO - then you are right. Your husband is wrong and you should tell him
Thank you. This really helped. This post is what helped me make up my mind. I'm still not 100% I did the smart thing, but I know my husband would do that same for me if our roles were reversed.
@Muzna, you've hit the nail on the head with your comments. Thank you for your advice. I will try to follow it.
Update: I decided to transfer the money to my in-laws, but I can't bring myself to be happy about my decision. I just feel really depressed, because it looks like it'll be forever till we get our own place :( At this rate we might even have to delay starting a family because we want to buy our own house (mortgage free inshallah) before we bring kids into the picture.
Hubby and i had similar issues but ours were way worse. BIL would buy new cars, go on nice vacations, send his wife to paki every year and then claim he was broke. On the other hand, hubby and I would really think before even spending money on our once a week date. We would actually go to the park or anything free if we had used up our entertainment budget. However, Hubby would always bail BIL out. BIL was in constant financial crisis and would never learn.
I was in a similar situation before with my mom. She would spend so much on shopping or paying for my brothers school or buying him a luxury car. Then I would feel bad and give her money all the time. However, I realized that it will never stop and she will never learn to spend within her means if I didn't stop. So I stopped giving her money and she in turn stopped paying for my brother's dinner dates with his gf.
I understand that family helps family but i also knew that it will never stop if I didnt put my foot down. So every month we both put the same amount into our joint acount. Anything else left over from our pay, we keep for ourselves and dont have to tell each other what we do with it. I chose to save it but he uses his for education or gives to his parents. We created a strict budget and only our combined expenses are taken out of the joint acount. For example, rent, groceries, bills come out of joint acount. If it is a special situation, I lend the money to him. This way he doesn't just give it away... he ends up lending it to his brother. This helps his brother be more responsible too because he knows it's a loan. I did the same with my mom... I would loan her money instead of gifting it. This created another issue of them returning the money and asking for it back the next month but it was like we were recycling it instead of giving new amounts each month.
We did this for two years and had enough saved for a down-payment, appliances, all my pregnancy related expenses, 3 month off from work, and enough to cover any emergencies.
But in ur situation, I think medical expenses are reasonable and I wouldn't expect to be paid back. However, BIL'S weddind, I would lend the money instead of gifting it.
what you did is a really good gesture. Please do not feel bad about it. the money is gone and there is no point cancelling your good deeds by repeating/regretting the help you provided.
One day or the other this good deed will do you a favor when you will need it the most. so be happy
also, i know it is a personal choice, but i would say plan your first kid only due to medical or relationship difficulties. planning because of financial reasons is tricky. 9 months of pregnancy is a long time. anything can happen. you can be settled at the start of your pregnancy and go bust a year later; the opposite can also happen. you might have not enough funds at the start of your pregnancy and by the end of it have it really easy financially. that’s why they say each kid bring their own naseeb.
enjoy your life, you are a kind hearted women, keep it this way
@Muzna, you've hit the nail on the head with your comments. Thank you for your advice. I will try to follow it.
Update: I decided to transfer the money to my in-laws, but I can't bring myself to be happy about my decision. I just feel really depressed, because it looks like it'll be forever till we get our own place :( At this rate we might even have to delay starting a family because we want to buy our own house (mortgage free inshallah) before we bring kids into the picture.
May Allah reward you for your generosity and ease your heart towards peace, ameen.
Again, I think your depression is not about what you have done in terms of sharing from your wealth, rather it is from worry for the future.
I don't know if prayer is part of your daily routine or not, but from my experience, it provides a great deal of peace. We are told by our elders that Allah can make things easy if we only ask Him to. Give it a try....
I'm sorry but OP is a ideal wife material. I don't know anyone who would do this.
Plus my in-laws refuse Inc my own parents REFUSE outright any money from us even for groceries when we would buy the meat for one week my mil would give me the money for it.
I understand helping everyone's parents is a must. But there is a mentality in Pakistan that evryobe in the west is rich money grows on trees here, so loooto inko
It's about knowing the value of money. Do they think you just plucked 20k out of the air. I have no qualms helping parents it's is our duty, however it sounds like they are being frivolous and just greeedy.
Siren, I dont understand why are you considering your savings to be only yours. Lets change the situation to where your income was used to pay for your household expenses and hubby's income was to be saved. Then would your thoughts be different?
I am in a very similar situation but instead of younger brothers, my husband has 3 younger sister. Two of them got married after our wedding and AH we spend almost $15K on each wedding. We didn't pay for the whole wedding, but contributed towards gold, gifts for guys, and two events during the wedding. I happily did all the shopping for the grooms and for my SIL's too.
We do have a house, BUT we have no savings, because each year everything we save goes towards the wedding. I have clear understanding that we won't have any savings until after his third sister gets married (iA next year.)
It is very frustrating and scary at time to not have any savings or to be able to do things I want with my own money. But again we are helping our family with it.
Talk to your hubby and let him know that how you feel and after the brothers wedding you want to save and keep all the money for the house...NO exception!
So many of the desi guys, especially the elder brothers, have ZERO clue about financial matters. Yes, your parents have right over your money, but so does your wife and your own kids. Paying for sister's wedding is fine, even a must I would say. But paying for a brother's entire wedding especially if he has been working professionally for 3 years is definitely no. He should've saved enough money to comfortably do his own wedding. And if he doesnt have enough money he should do a less flashy wedding.
Also I have very low opinion of guys who ask their wives for money, unless its really necessary, like health issues ... not I want to buy my brother a new car for his wedding type stuff.
) every time you are making a decision about a purchase like entertainment, eating out or other luxuries. Trust me…you will never miss the movie you never saw in the cinema or the meal that you didn’t buy from outside, but you will miss your parents when they are gone. (May Allah keep them with you both for a very long time to come, ameen!)