re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
+1
Having 'peace' within the family shouldn't mean common-sense, decency and ur sense of right and wrong go out the window)
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
You don't seem to grasp what I'm getting at. I'll spell it out for you. I was suggesting a SHAM MARRIAGE, meaning the marriage is on paper but isn't acted out by the parties to the marriage. It seems clear to me the cousin and his family want a visa and nothing more. They'll get what they want, and OP can just go on with her life like nothing happened and divorce the sap later. I don't give a rat's behind what jaiz or na-jaiz nikkah is, but I do think a it's possible to resolve this with everyone getting what they want.
what deeba said. get the rat's behind where it should be.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
ok I totally understand the being tortured so much at your own house that you are forced to think about moving out part, i have been through this and the only thing i can say is that it gets better. Just stand your ground, dont be intimidated by anything they say or do here. In the UK, you still have your rights and can try to reconcile with your parents without fear of any harm done to you, at least the police and other services are on your side, if you're tricked into going to Pakistan, you have NOONE there who will help you if anything goes wrong, except your family and they can do pretty much whatever they want to.
Talk to your mom alone, maybe she's going along with her husband but just doesnt have as much sympathy for her sis-in-law under the surface. Also, dont actively antagonize them on other stuff. Try to compromise on your clothes/going-out timings here, so they wont have another reason to bear down on you.
But whatever you do, DO NOT agree to going to Pakistan, even for a look-see. Try to take of the pressure right now from the situation. Hope this helps.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
I am sorry to hear about your situation.
This reminds me of my situation some years back. I will share my story with you before giving any advice.
I also said NO to my cousin (he was both maternal and paternal cousin!) and it wasnt welcomed very well. In our family, everyone gets married with their cousins or distant cousins and here I was saying NO to this cousin. I had a long list of reasons why I didnt want to marry him but still my parents didnt listen to me. After many discussion I was promised OUTSIDE MASJID AL HARAM in Mecca that I will not get married to this cousin!!! This was during my umrah trip with my parents andmy uncle who lived in Jeddah told them to take me to Pakistan from there cuz otherwise I would never travel to Pakistan with them. So they tried so much to find tickets for Pakistan and perhaps one of my million duas came true and they didnt manage to get airline tickets from Saudi to Pakistan. Then I was promised not very far from the holiest place for Muslim - the Kaaba - that they will not marry me to this guy if I went to Pakistan with them after 6 months when my other cousin was getting married.
So I believed in them. I thougt that they promised me this at such a sacred place and went along for the family wedding in Pakistan. Once that wedding was over, everyone started to prepare for MY wedding!!!I made a huge deal about it, said NO, explained to them why I didnt want to marry the guy and it was OBVIOUS why me and him didnt make a good match!!! My khala even bought loads of mithai and was preparing for the nikkah and was furious that all the mithai got wasted due to me being so stubborn! the worst part was that we lived in the same house as he is my dad's brothers son as well. so I woke up for hell everyday for God knows many days. They cancelled my return, were hiding my passport and wouldnt allow me to answer any phone call either. I felt like a hostage!!! I was threatened that if I ddint marry him they would kill me and cut my body into pieces and throw in the river in the area....it was all a big chock for me!!!
At the end they got me. I was forced into nikkah with that cousin. I didnt speak to anyone after that day eventhough we were living in the same house. Then they demanded that I give them a guarantee that I will appy for his visa. I told them that this can only be done once I am back home so they arranged for my return ticket.
Once I got back home, I sent an email to the embassy of my country in Pakistan and informed them that I have been forced married to this person and will never accept him to get a visa on my name. I did that in case I would get forced to apply for his visa. I decided that I would apply for divorce but it wasnt an easy process as my sister got married to his brother on the same day.So I waited till her husband got visa and they had been together for some time.
It was a living torture of 4 years and everyday was like hell. I used to cry so much and only thing that helped me through this was my strong faith in Allah - that He will help me.
I got divorced 4 years after that nikkah in Pakistan. and a year later I got married to the loveliest person on earth:) I moved to another country when I got married and once I got the mental peace to relax I collapsed both physically and mentally. It took me many years to re-built myself and become stronger.
I still have traumatic memories and have a huge trust issue towards people due to what I have experienced.
My advice to you is that dont go to Pakistan. you will be much more vulnerable there than where you are now!!!It is your parents responsibility to say no and it can be done on phone as well. they dont need to go to Pakistan for that. thats just an excuse to take you there and perhaps force you to get married there!!!
Being 28 doesnt mean that one should hasten into a marriage with a cousin one doesnt like. Try to find other options around you. your parents might not be willing to do that but its your life and you deserve to be happy. Look around and see if there is anyone that might be suitable for you.
Keep praying to Allah that He guides you all and finds you the best option. Pray 2 rakah hajat everyday and make dua that Allah eases your situation.
The thing wit emotional blackmailing is that one just needs to stay firm and defeat the other party by being firm!!! wish you all the best and pray that Allah eases your situation.
Wow.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail…
marriage and death,tell you parents,you give them choice!
you blackmaril them too.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
i don't know why,in pakistan ,parents just fullfill themselves,they don't care about thire kids' willing,and about marry cousin,god,why??
there should be some laws about marry cousin,this should be forbiden,then everything will be fine.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
in my country,parents never ask us marry who,we are adoult,we know what's wrong ,we know what should do,what should not,living with a stanger,that's awafull.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
IMO,you have your job,you can earn money,you can live without anyone's help,then leave them,you don't love you,then there is no meaning of living with them,if they force you,run away,as far as you can,change a city,change a job.nothing is a big deal,come on.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Which country do you reside in?
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
country of trolls
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
LOL! Thought so.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
good heavens !!!
Firstly let me just say how commendable it is that you have not caved in. You are a very very strong woman and I sincerely applaud you for that. I can just imagine how mentally taxing it must be. Not only your parents but the haww, ahh's and ooh's you might be getting from society and other distant family member is not easy.
I'm beyond shocked !!!!! Am just gonna reinforce what every one has been saying .
Option 1
If you can , DO NOT GO TO Pakistan. Stand your ground and just don't go !!! Tell your parents, to look for a more suitable rishta for you. Maybe that could help. I'm sure there are millions of decent pak boys out there, finding one should not be that difficult. Ask your parents that why are they washing your hands off you without even trying their best, a 22 yr old , jobless and uneducated boy if all they can do for you, is that what they think you are worthy of? Is it their false ego. Do they just want to prove themselves in society by blackmailing their own child? Will it make them better Muslims / Pakistanis/ humans /parents if they force their daughter to get married ? Why is it that your own parents what to hurt you so badly?
What I do not understand is why do desis who come to the western world to get a better life and then force their own kids to go back to life they ran away from in the first place. And besides dosent marrying one's cousin eventually lead to blood diseases ????? I'm not Muslim , so i'm not to sure. But where i live in Bahrain, and couples here cannot get married till they have a blood test approved by the govt to rule out blood related diseases in kids. Pls correct or enlighten !!!!
Option 2
In any case you are forced to go to Pakistan , can you get help before you leave. Can you contact someone in your country ( UK I presume ??) and let them know you are being forced emotionally to go get married. Ask them what are your options / rights in case the marriage actually happens and you want to dissolve it as soon as you get back? Can you contact the UK embassy there in Pakistan once you land.
Also if you do end up going to Pak , once you get there and notice that your parents are going to marry you off, act calmly. If your family thinks your ok with the rishta ( if they think you have caved in ) then they might not threaten you or take your passport away and lock you up ( ??), the you can at least plan your escape.In any case just be prepared. Keep a spare mobile hidden with you. At least this way you can contact someone.
I don't know what else I can say. My heart is already beating faster just thinking about it. Why isn't your mom helping you???? Men cannot understand what it is like not having control over own life coz they never faced that situation but women know !!!! Surely if you speak to your mom about it again and again and again she might understand.
For a 28 ye old educated and of legal age women , having to go through this barbaric ritual it nothing short of discrimination / brutality and total violation of her human rights.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
country of trolls
stubborn,arrogant
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Thank you for your comments - the thing is my ticket is booked - so i don't know how to squirm out of it - the only option is finding work again and using that as a excuse - on asked if I wanted to go to pakistan - for a month - it was either you go with us - Or do you have friends you can stay with for 5 weeks?
I mean no friend would want to put up with you for that long - So i wasn't even given the option of do you want to stay here in a empty house - while we will be in Pakistan. I know if I cancel my ticket it will cause hoop-la (even more hoop-la) So I am trying to find a valid excuse and pray that Allah saves me. Because it will difficult say no out there - but I will have to stick to my guns.
Sandals - techinically what you said seems like a compromise - but it wouldn't I would have slice out 2/3 years of my life and I would be 30/31 by the time all that visa/divorce drama came to an end. I don't think that is a compromise - although I do understand what you are trying to say and that thought did cross my mind at one crazy time.
Payal Sharma - why isn't my mum helping me? well shes siding with my father and doesn't really care - she thinks I am in the wrong - they both do. They are insulted that I do not like their choice and feel that I am being - unreasonable.
But I feel I have already verbally said no - so i think they are being unreasonable.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
What echos - in my head is that my Dad said: You are a smart girl, when you go there you will see the boy (my cousin) and you will see that he is a good match.
I am strongly thinking if the job thing doesn't work out - I will have to move out. Simply sticking to my guns - may not work.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Also, I live in the UK for all those asking.
And Payal Sharma - there are no blood tests here, unless you take one yourself. But I agree with the person who said they should outlaw cousin marriages! My dad didn't marry his cousin, (or well a blood relative), neither did my grandfather, So i do not understand why I have to. But I have already bought this view to the forefront - for it to be swotted down, like all my other comments on how wrong this is.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
You can say you're staying with a friend, but stay atvhome.
Time to get a job and get out.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
So sad to see that your parents don't have your best interests at heart and are so worried about their izzat that they are willing to put your life on the line for their own image. Unfortunately this whole 'what will people think' attitude is rife amongst our community.
One poster has suggested that you go ahead with this wedding and bring him over etc etc. DO NOT DO THIS. You will be committing a criminal offence, for which the sentence is quite probable to be a jail term. Forget throwing your life away by faking a married life to a man you don't and won't ever love and imagine getting caught and sharing a cell with a rapist, murderer, paedophile etc.
You're 28 for goodness sake you have an education and you seem pretty level headed, stand your ground and stick to what you say. Yes they will be mad, yes they might throw you out etc but they'll get over it. They really can't care for your feelings much if they're more worried about what other people will think! I do apologise if you feel that is harsh, but it's the reality of the situation to an outsider looking in.
I really wouldn't suggest that you go to Pakistan with these people. You have already said that they refuse to listen to you while you're in your birth country where by law they can't force you in to this marriage to go to a country where your family will play judge and jury and take the law in to their own hands would be silly. Islamically a forced married is not a valid one, maybe you should portray that thought to your parents?
You don't have to get a job to avoid going to Pakistan - get yourself volunteering, do some charity work, sign up for a course. You might not find your perfect job right now, but anything will do to get you out of the potential mess your parents are driving you towards.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
ufffff.....even in this day and age, to not have the liberty to even reject a rishta is just too much. And its not like you have said no for for f*cks's sake !!!! there is a valid reason !!!!!! if only someone understood!!! I'm just not seeing your dad's point here. For any desi, a boy younger than the bride is supposed to be a big no-no along with the education requirements, so why is your dad going against two basic requirements ??? And if you did marry him, what is he going to do in UK ??? stay with your parents ???? Are your parents financially well off that this aunty does not mind an older bride for her son ????
Reg this not to stay alone at home, i think your parents are just trying to push you into a corner so that you will travel with them. Can you stay at a friends house initially and then once your parents are gone move back into your own house !! surely you will have the keys or stay with different friends. One week at each friends house. Do you have English/ Indian/ non muslim friends , some one who would not judge you on religious grounds for not obeying your parents. Just avoid going. If you don't go, you cant be married off.
Do you have siblings ??? Could you stay with them.
I know you are praying to god, but you need to take the action. He will only give you the strength to take the action. Imagine if you have all this hoopla going on here , what will happen in Pakistan where your dad will only gather support from any man who will listen to him. In fact I'm sure men from your immediate family and even random men will end up filling your dad's head with "mardangi" /"izzat" / "control your daughter" ideas !!!!
I was reading your earlier posts , you said you were going to married in march 2011, had you said yes before to this marriage ????
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
There was a programme on the BBC a few years ago mirroring this story and showed how the Forced Marriages Unit deal with such incidents. Maybe you would be best advised to contact them and let them know your situation, they could help you obtain a court order prohibiting your parents fromt aking you abroad against your will and getting you married off. Obviously that may not be the best option, as your parents ego may be dented, but as a last resort it may be something to think about.