I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

Lifestyle Relationships
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So I have been on here - for some time moaning for some time - thank you for bearing with me.

I finally said no to this cousin back in Pakistan - and my parents are emotionally blackmailing me and are not willing to say no to them.

They want to take me with them - and will say no once they get there - I think this will pose for a difficult situation - Something I have already voiced about. I am already thinking of councilling as this is causing a lot of strain and emotional stress for me. They come out with comments like your old who will want marry you - I just turned 28. And very baby faced I might add. And that I am flying too high. They have also told me on numerous occassions to get out of their house.

I find this ridiculous. I don’t want to marry my cousin - I said NO. So a no is a no - why am I being emotionally blackmailed. I wish I could leave - but its easier said then done. Its not respectful. I could say yes to him and be a loveless/uncompatable marriage for them. But I do not think its fair. And when I said no they think its not fair.

If I was a guy and said no - there would be no fuss right now - why is there such double standards in our society?

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

I just went and reviewed a few of the previous threads on this topic. Your gut has been saying "NO!" to this marriage for several months now. I'm happy you got the courage to finally tell your parents. I hope you are able to stick to your conviction. Best of luck!

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

you just have to bear it........don't let your parents get u to do something stupid......just tell them you don't want it...and thats final......and after that whatever they want to do...its for them to decide whether they want to throw you out of the house or whatever.......don't take the first step/leave them on ur own.....

things will be difficult once you get to pakistan........just gotta be patient and bear it.......hopefully your parents will come around soon......they are trying all the things they got to try to convince you.......when they understand that you have a final NO as an answer.....i think they will stop this...goodluck!

Guys who say no face 'equal pressure'.....so just try to focus on your own problem and not worry about the society as a whole...that won't do you any good.

Peace!

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

I am sorry to hear about your situation.

This reminds me of my situation some years back. I will share my story with you before giving any advice.

I also said NO to my cousin (he was both maternal and paternal cousin!) and it wasnt welcomed very well. In our family, everyone gets married with their cousins or distant cousins and here I was saying NO to this cousin. I had a long list of reasons why I didnt want to marry him but still my parents didnt listen to me. After many discussion I was promised OUTSIDE MASJID AL HARAM in Mecca that I will not get married to this cousin!!! This was during my umrah trip with my parents andmy uncle who lived in Jeddah told them to take me to Pakistan from there cuz otherwise I would never travel to Pakistan with them. So they tried so much to find tickets for Pakistan and perhaps one of my million duas came true and they didnt manage to get airline tickets from Saudi to Pakistan. Then I was promised not very far from the holiest place for Muslim - the Kaaba - that they will not marry me to this guy if I went to Pakistan with them after 6 months when my other cousin was getting married.

So I believed in them. I thougt that they promised me this at such a sacred place and went along for the family wedding in Pakistan. Once that wedding was over, everyone started to prepare for MY wedding!!!I made a huge deal about it, said NO, explained to them why I didnt want to marry the guy and it was OBVIOUS why me and him didnt make a good match!!! My khala even bought loads of mithai and was preparing for the nikkah and was furious that all the mithai got wasted due to me being so stubborn! the worst part was that we lived in the same house as he is my dad's brothers son as well. so I woke up for hell everyday for God knows many days. They cancelled my return, were hiding my passport and wouldnt allow me to answer any phone call either. I felt like a hostage!!!
I was threatened that if I ddint marry him they would kill me and cut my body into pieces and throw in the river in the area....it was all a big chock for me!!!

At the end they got me. I was forced into nikkah with that cousin. I didnt speak to anyone after that day eventhough we were living in the same house. Then they demanded that I give them a guarantee that I will appy for his visa. I told them that this can only be done once I am back home so they arranged for my return ticket.

Once I got back home, I sent an email to the embassy of my country in Pakistan and informed them that I have been forced married to this person and will never accept him to get a visa on my name. I did that in case I would get forced to apply for his visa.
I decided that I would apply for divorce but it wasnt an easy process as my sister got married to his brother on the same day.So I waited till her husband got visa and they had been together for some time.

It was a living torture of 4 years and everyday was like hell. I used to cry so much and only thing that helped me through this was my strong faith in Allah - that He will help me.

I got divorced 4 years after that nikkah in Pakistan. and a year later I got married to the loveliest person on earth:) I moved to another country when I got married and once I got the mental peace to relax I collapsed both physically and mentally. It took me many years to re-built myself and become stronger.

I still have traumatic memories and have a huge trust issue towards people due to what I have experienced.

My advice to you is that dont go to Pakistan. you will be much more vulnerable there than where you are now!!!It is your parents responsibility to say no and it can be done on phone as well. they dont need to go to Pakistan for that. thats just an excuse to take you there and perhaps force you to get married there!!!

Being 28 doesnt mean that one should hasten into a marriage with a cousin one doesnt like. Try to find other options around you. your parents might not be willing to do that but its your life and you deserve to be happy. Look around and see if there is anyone that might be suitable for you.

Keep praying to Allah that He guides you all and finds you the best option. Pray 2 rakah hajat everyday and make dua that Allah eases your situation.

The thing wit emotional blackmailing is that one just needs to stay firm and defeat the other party by being firm!!! wish you all the best and pray that Allah eases your situation.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

Chamali - your story bought tears to my eyes. I feel my parents will do the exactly the same thing. They don't want to give no, for an answer. Alot of my friends are telling me to leave here. I will not do so until I am forced out. Why should I go - just because I do not want to marry a cousin? makes no sense. I am still the same person. To be honest I no longer trust them - which is strange as this is the same people who clothed me, fed me and used sing lullabys to me.

What went wrong.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

Seriously, douche bags are all lined up in Pakistan to get a visa, even if it means ruining someone's life!

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

That's a tough situation to be in.....good for you for doing what you feel is right for you. Have you talked to your parents about how they're making you feel.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

They say that I am putting their izaat in the mud (mitee) And that this is what they brought me up for, and that I am flying too high - who do I think I am etc. They don't understand they think I am doing a great injustice on them. Not the other way around.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

stand your ground.....thats it.......but don''t runaway or something....that would really put their izzat in mittee.....refusing rishta is not putting mittee.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail…

:hinna:

:frusty:

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail…

**Chameli420](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/members/chameli420.html) I am glad you have found peace now, you were really brave and it paid off :flower1:
**

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

Farrah - yes talking to brick walls right on the money there! Yeah Chameli - I am very much in awe of you.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

just staying on foreign land, dont go to pak. once you reached there, you will have no voice to raise and dont have any legal support there.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

Well, one of the reasons the parents get so angry and start talking about their "izzat" is they expect thier children to repsect their decisions and it is pretty hurtful for any parent to think that their child thinks the choice they are making for them is not good. They can accept the girl to say "no" to a few rishtas but saying "no" to every single one that they propose is really insulting for some parents. The parents aren't really trying to harm their children, are they?. One of the big problems is that girls start looking down on everyone living in Pakistan and would not consider any rishta from Pakistan, even though they are brought up in the same culture. It is the right of girls to refuse abusive marriages like the sad story chameli420 told, but it also important to be a little humble and respect the choice of your parents. Your parents most likely had an arranged marriage, set up by their parents , didn't they?. Looking at it now, do you not agree that it was a good decision made by your grand parents?. Give your parents the benefit of having more experience to make decisions about your life, feel free to debate those decisions, but do not forget your cultural heritage and values and who you are, not superior or inferior to anyone living in Pakistan or abroad.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail…

What is so respecftful about forcing your child to get married to someone who is vastly different from you…whom you find neither attractive nor compatible. Have you tried telling your parents about the more long term and severe consequences that would result from the marriage (divorce, etc)?

They’re blackmailing you because they want you to fulfill their wishes and also because they want to be able to “keep face” in the family.

Lol, parents often use the “gunnah for disobedience to parents” point…but I wonder if perhaps we get sawab/reward for persisting against something that we know is not acceptable in Islam (in this case, a forced marriage).

You can vent all you want about the double standards of desi society, but it’ll get you nowhere. The thing that will be more effective for you is to take some concrete action. If your parents still don’t get it…ask them “So, would you like me to accompany you to Pakistan so that I can say NO in front of the whole family…so that I can tell my cousin and his parents all the reasons why I find him incompatible. Would that make everyone feel better.”

^If they’re blackmailing you, play them at their own game. Tell em “Look…we can either break this rishta off in a civil manner…or I can reject him in front of everyone in Pakistan and turn this all into a tamasha that everyone will remember.”

***They may threaten to kick you out of the house, but that’s an empty threat. Most desi parents would be to conscious of their reputations and what people would say if they actually did kick their daugther out. There would be toooo many questions to answer. So, it’s an empty threat. And if they do carry it out…if you work and are independent…you can even find a way to manage on your own. I doubt that they’d be angry forever.

Also…tell your cousin directly that you don’t want to marry him. TELL HIS PARENTS you don’t want to marry him. I don’t understand why desi girls in your situation don’t try this strategy out. I would imagine that the guy and his family would have eoough self-respect to back out of the rishta rather than puruse a girl who had the audacity to reject them. :rolleyes:

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

Chameli firstly hug May Allah protect you always, ameen !

Secondly , they fed and clothed you , they sang to you they look aftered you ... they changed your dirty nappies. What went wrong?

Ask them.

You have done nothing wrong. A woman has 100% right to chose who she marries, its an Islamic requirement. Why then do they ask at the nikkah 3 times qabool hai ?

Your parents went to another country built their life from utter rubbish to what you are now, and they want you to marry some fool after your visa? this is how much they love you?

You are a very strong willed woman. I honestly saltue you , i would have never waited for my sister to be settled with her husband .. nor wait 4 years. :) MasAllah you are a gem.

Pink Orchids - DO NOT GO TO PAKISTAN!! you will be forced into a marriage take heed from chameli and dont ever step foot there again. There is no justice there for you to run and hide or escape from a forced marriage. Just keep strong willed and say NO.

It may be better if you do move out ( if you can afford it) if you cannot if you live in the UK you can go to a womens refuge and recieve housing somewhere officially after a while.

As futile as it seems my prayers are with you :) InsAllah it will work out for the best just keep saying NO! X

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

dont take any government sponsored housing or refuge, it will effect on your background.
if you can afford, then live by yourself.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

izzat. hah! what a joke. issues like these give me a headache!

whatever you do, don't go to pakistan. if you do, make some arrangements before hand that'll help you in case you get in a sticky situation like chameli mentioned.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....

Are you trying to help her out or destroy her life by giving her the advice of moving out of her house?. Come on, she does not want to start a war with her parents and end up cutting all contact with them. Pink Orchids, talk to your cousin directly before going to Pakistan and tell him that once you come to Pakistan, you want to meet him and find out if you have anything in common and If both of you find there is nothing in common, then you would jointly contact your/his parents and let them know that this marriage cannot work out. The guy would have enough respect to back out if he finds out that there is nothing in common.

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re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail…

she will definitely stuck in situation like chemeli.

it is not making a sense to me that a girl needs to say no in front of boy’s parent..:smack2: