re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
PO, I think it's commendable that you've stayed strong thus far. In spite of the emotional blackmail and other drama...you haven't caved. You're on the right track..parents' anger is not permanent.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
The women on this thread are amazing. I don't think I'd be able to take emotional blackmailing from my parents.
Pink, I think you should consider the marriage-visa-divorce route. It may be wrong in principle, but it is more likely to resolve this situation. It is a compromise between what you want and what your parents and the cousins family want. Set it up so everyone gets what they want. Keep the "marriage" low-key and paper based. Once the guy gets the visa, divorce him and we're back to square one. Then you can have a real marriage down the road sometime.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
^I beg to differ..............please don't go that route
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
It's a compromise, unfortunately, sometimes you can't have everything.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Do not marry this cousin.
You are not a qurbani ka bakra that should be sacrificed when someone wants to come to the US.
Stand your ground...anything worth having is worth fighting for. Allah swt gives us the right to marry who we want...so who is anyone else to defy Him? When Allah swt has given you this right, no one else stands a chance. You stay strong and give it your all...no matter what anyone says. Do not go to Pakistan and do not make the mistake of saying YES.
Do not cave in...this is not impossible. Difficult, yes. But not impossible.
You can do this.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
It's a compromise, unfortunately, sometimes you can't have everything.
What you're suggesting is not a compromise.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
@Sandals: this is the worst advice in this thread. One should rather leave home then take the above route.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Idk, I think peace with your family is easily worth a little bureaucratic process running invisibly in the background but I could be wrong.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Idk, I think peace with your family is easily worth a little bureaucratic process running invisibly in the background but I could be wrong.
It's a bit more than that.. What if he wants sex on the wedding night?
Apart from the ethical issues of deceit isn't it likely the family won't let her divorce him once they've married and have lived together as husband and wife - even short term..
(The OP mentioned her parents already told her 'you're old, who will marry you'.. imo they'd prob just turn round and say to her 'who will marry a divorcee, you must stay with him' and it will be threats and emotional blackmail all over again, possibly worse after all a broken marriage is far worse than a broken engagement)
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Oh I never implied they should live together. I think I saw somewhere in OP's story that the cousins family offered the marriage-visa-divorce route. Yea I'm in no way suggesting to go ahead with a proper marriage gung ho. I'm sorry if it came off that way.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
The women on this thread are amazing. I don't think I'd be able to take emotional blackmailing from my parents.
Pink, I think you should consider the marriage-visa-divorce route. It may be wrong in principle, but it is more likely to resolve this situation. It is a compromise between what you want and what your parents and the cousins family want. Set it up so everyone gets what they want. Keep the "marriage" low-key and paper based. Once the guy gets the visa, divorce him and we're back to square one. Then you can have a real marriage down the road sometime.
i dont think your advice could help her. it even make her current situation more complicated.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
OMG, dont go to pakistan.. i know my friend ( who is a guy btw) went there to attend his friends wedding and ended up getting forced into marrying his cousinn ..
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
They say that I am putting their izaat in the mud (mitee) And that this is what they brought me up for, and that I am flying too high - who do I think I am etc. They don't understand they think I am doing a great injustice on them. Not the other way around.
Do their honor is at stake...Do they understand that according to Islam, pressuring you into an unwanted marriage is a huge sin on their part?
Stand your ground babe... and DONT GO to Pakistan. Are you working now? Can you financially take care of yourself in case you need to leave their home (god forbid it come to that)
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
it is disappointing that on the basis of trust parents take their daughters back home .. and they have zero shame or guilt about what they end up doing. horrible.
you know, i tried talking about this issue in my community here ... NOBODY wanted to talk about it ... EVERYBODY was scared that i wanted to record the conversation.
You're 28 which is rather late for a woman not to be married by desi standards but more importantly haven't you found someone yourself? I can see they're concerned by the fact you're not getting any younger but as you said there is no point getting into a loveless marriage.
The best people to ask about potentials could be friends who are already married? They might know someone or even your own siblings?
This girl is freaking out-terrified about being forced into a marriage she does not want, her relationship with her family is extremely strained and all you have to ask is why is she not married at 28??
wow
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
It's a compromise, unfortunately, sometimes you can't have everything.
Idk, I think peace with your family is easily worth a little bureaucratic process running invisibly in the background but I could be wrong.
Oh I never implied they should live together. I think I saw somewhere in OP's story that the cousins family offered the marriage-visa-divorce route. Yea I'm in no way suggesting to go ahead with a proper marriage gung ho. I'm sorry if it came off that way.
what's wrong with you? a forced marriage is a na-jaiz nikkah! do you realize that? and who is to say that once forced into marriage she wont be further forced into several other things???!!!
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Well, see, even if the parents offered OP the "marriage-visa-divorce" route......what guarantee is there that they'd honor their words? They may make it seem like they'd be okay with her divorcing him as long as she brings him abroad................but when the guy gets to the USA/UK/wherever........the parents might even tell her that "Oh you can't divorce him. What if word somehow gets out that you're divorced, it's such a stigma and you'll never get married again, it'll ruin our reputation, you must remain married to him."
Just based on how her parents are behaving with her....telling her who she can and cannot hang out with....clothing...forcing her to marry this guy....emotional blackmail....I wouldn't blame her for being wary of them.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
what's wrong with you? a forced marriage is a na-jaiz nikkah! do you realize that? and who is to say that once forced into marriage she wont be further forced into several other things???!!!
You don't seem to grasp what I'm getting at. I'll spell it out for you. I was suggesting a SHAM MARRIAGE, meaning the marriage is on paper but isn't acted out by the parties to the marriage. It seems clear to me the cousin and his family want a visa and nothing more. They'll get what they want, and OP can just go on with her life like nothing happened and divorce the sap later. I don't give a rat's behind what jaiz or na-jaiz nikkah is, but I do think a it's possible to resolve this with everyone getting what they want.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Well, see, even if the parents offered OP the "marriage-visa-divorce" route......what guarantee is there that they'd honor their words? They may make it seem like they'd be okay with her divorcing him as long as she brings him abroad................but when the guy gets to the USA/UK/wherever........the parents might even tell her that "Oh you can't divorce him. What if word somehow gets out that you're divorced, it's such a stigma and you'll never get married again, it'll ruin our reputation, you must remain married to him."
Just based on how her parents are behaving with her....telling her who she can and cannot hang out with....clothing...forcing her to marry this guy....emotional blackmail....I wouldn't blame her for being wary of them.
Yea, that's the hard part. I'd say get it in writing, but the contract would be void due to illegality. Man, I can't imagine having to deal with parents I can't trust.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Don't go to Pakistan!! Worst mistake you will ever do. You are going to go there, to sort out your marriage, but at the end you won't get nothing done, get emotionally blackmailed and end up married or something. Trust me, even if you had a Pakistani passport and you were going there to say NO, you wanted help or something, nothing would happen. You are not Pakistani, so you have very little rights. Let us say, you have none. Even overseas Pakistanis have very less, they are kind of alien to how things work in Pakistan and you will be completely stranded and left helpless.
Do not listen to Sandals. Marriage-Visa-Divorce thing is not acceptable. You cannot PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THAT. Why should you? Why should you be a scapegoat and hand down a Visa to someone? Your parents did all the effort of immigrating to another country, raising you, working in a foreign land, then you got the nationality, why should you just offer someone that opportunity just like that? What are you? God damn charity worker?
He is 22. He is so much younger than you. He is like still a bit immature, he has no job, he failed his GCSEs. Why the frack are your parents asking you to marry this loser of a douche? I am sorry to say but they have gone mental, mate. Situation would have been different if your cousin was more nearer to your age, educated etc. Then I would have said, less reasons for you to NOT get married here.
BUT you and him are so different. You are riding the high horse, you seem settled in your life, career etc. He has not even begun yet. Also let us not forget his age. You just cannot get married to him at any cost PinkOrchids! I won't let you!! sorry to get personal, but I hate how people just want to marry British Citizens for visa!!! Do everything in your power to convince your parents you don't want to marry him, don't go to Pakistan at any cost!!
I suggest if your parents are hell bent and being very stubborn, move out for a few weeks. That will send out a very powerful message to your parents, that you are independent and can take care after yourself and maybe they might calm down and start to think about what they were doing to you then. This is an extreme suggestion I know, **but some situations require extreme measures. Think about it.
**I had stopped commenting on GS forums, but your story and thread brought tears to my eyes and I just had to pen down some thoughts. I pray everything works out for you in the end iA. Be safe and be brave. Keep praying to Allah to get you out of this problem iA.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Sandals, the OP mentioned in another thread that she was trying to ask her mum if she'd be expected to sleep with the guy on her wedding night so it's not just a marriage for visa..
(Even if it was I'd still say don't go thru with it. Having 'peace' within the family shouldn't mean common-sense, decency and ur sense of right and wrong go out the window)