re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
it is disappointing that on the basis of trust parents take their daughters back home .. and they have zero shame or guilt about what they end up doing. horrible.
you know, i tried talking about this issue in my community here ... NOBODY wanted to talk about it ... EVERYBODY was scared that i wanted to record the conversation.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Well, one of the reasons the parents get so angry and start talking about their "izzat" is they expect thier children to repsect their decisions and it is pretty hurtful for any parent to think that their child thinks the choice they are making for them is not good. They can accept the girl to say "no" to a few rishtas but saying "no" to every single one that they propose is really insulting for some parents. The parents aren't really trying to harm their children, are they?. One of the big problems is that girls start looking down on everyone living in Pakistan and would not consider any rishta from Pakistan, even though they are brought up in the same culture. It is the right of girls to refuse abusive marriages like the sad story chameli420 told, but it also important to be a little humble and respect the choice of your parents. Your parents most likely had an arranged marriage, set up by their parents , didn't they?. Looking at it now, do you not agree that it was a good decision made by your grand parents?. Give your parents the benefit of having more experience to make decisions about your life, feel free to debate those decisions, but do not forget your cultural heritage and values and who you are, not superior or inferior to anyone living in Pakistan or abroad.
Lets not forget, that many times... what parents choose for you can lead you to living a life of hell, we get many such cases on GS, don't we? The parents definitely are experienced and all, but they should not forget that their child will be the one who will be directly effected. To make decisions without discussing it with your child, not keeping their likeness or preference in mind will always cause such complications.
PS: this has nothing to do with disrespecting your parents... one should always respect their parents and give them immense love, but that also doesn't mean let them single-handedly make the most important decisions of your life.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Are you trying to help her out or destroy her life by giving her the advice of moving out of her house?. Come on, she does not want to start a war with her parents and end up cutting all contact with them. Pink Orchids, talk to your cousin directly before going to Pakistan and tell him that once you come to Pakistan, you want to meet him and find out if you have anything in common and If both of you find there is nothing in common, then you would jointly contact your/his parents and let them know that this marriage cannot work out. The guy would have enough respect to back out if he finds out that there is nothing in common.
She herself has stated she needs counciling, how can you live in a house were your parents are hell bent on destroying your life by marrying a buffoon from pakistan ? all because the buffoon is question is a cousin?
Every aspect of Islam has fairness with in it.
No you are not allowed to disrespect your parents, but to you ruin your marital life? It does not say anywhere if your parents are forcing you to marry someone that you must agree. Being a wife is a huge task in itself, what is a marriage where a wife/husband cannot respect one another, what is a marriage if you are not attracted to someone , how will you be happy... as sexual relations are a blessing.
For her own mental state taking a break from the constant war at home is my advice. How would you feel if your parents are at war with you in your home? would you even call that place home anymore?
how many times must one say NO before your parents get it??
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Lets not also forget parents are only human, they can lead us to jannah, or lead us to hell fire.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
First of all, to those who are positive to the idea that men from Pakistan are not that bad - you should understand that if one doest feel the attraction and compatibility then nomatter where you are from or who you are, it wouldnt be of any help!
Secondly, if someone is desperate for visa to abroad, he wouldnt care if the girl is saying no.
In my case EVERYONE knew that I didnt want to marry the guy, including the guy, his parents, grandmother, uncles, aunties, cousins....u name it!!one uncle even said that I could divorce him once his visa was settled!!!!
So I dont believe that talking directly to the guy would be of much help. Just let your parents deal with their relatives and dong get involved with them!!! No matter what happens DO NOT go to Pakistan!!!you will have no rights there and will be dependent on others! Just keep saying NO and in the mean time if you meet someone suitable go ahead with that and try to pursure your parents to get married to him.
How come they suddenly realized that you are 28 and there is no other rishta? they must have been considering this family rishta for some time now?
And no matter what happens DO NOT MOVE .dont close any doors behind you that will have lifetime consequences for you and your family.
Just be strong, pursue your goals and have STRONG faith in Allah. Only Allah can guide us all and make dua that He guides them and makes life easier for you.
Believe me, I have had time where I wanted to just die to get away for it all but only my strong faith to Allah has been giving me strength to move on and fight for myself. Noone else knows your needs better than yourself and you really need to fight now unless you want to regret later that you married him and possibly get divorced or have children with him.
Set high aims for your life and fight to get there!!!! you deserve it!!!Keep yourself busy with school, work, hobbies etc and dont spend too much time at home either but dont move out!!!
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
To Omer - I do think your opinions are correct - but personally this match is no match at all - hes 22 - for a start. No job, failed his GCSES (Pakistani equivalent). Plus my parents do not feel it - nice to keep me in the loop - I have to act like fbi interrogation to get some information out of them.
They will not allow me to talk to him - via phone something I already asked. And to some protest - was not allowed to do so at all.
I am inbetween jobs - and have been for some months so it is intense being at home right now. I am looking into temping and will find something asap. I am going to the doctor to find a councillor. On the weekend I try to keep my self busy with my friends - last time they came to my house and my parents were very rude with them and everything seemed very tense.
As for Pakistan - I have been speaking to a womens group and they told me to ring the forced marriage unit and leave my details with them - in case I am stranded, etc. My ticket is booked - actually I am going to a scientific job fair and my parents didn't want me to go/ as it would mean cancelling my ticket and they had a intense arguement over this with me - but going to a fair does not necessarily mean a job at the end of it.
Something they failed to understand and proceded to call me all sorts of names.
My aim is however to get a job in my sector and simply tell them my career is more important at this time - which in all truths it is.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
So I have been on here - for some time moaning for some time - thank you for bearing with me.
I finally said no to this cousin back in Pakistan - and my parents are emotionally blackmailing me and are not willing to say no to them.
They want to take me with them - and will say no once they get there - I think this will pose for a difficult situation - Something I have already voiced about. I am already thinking of councilling as this is causing a lot of strain and emotional stress for me. They come out with comments like your old who will want marry you - I just turned 28. And very baby faced I might add. And that I am flying too high. They have also told me on numerous occassions to get out of their house.
I find this ridiculous. I don't want to marry my cousin - I said NO. So a no is a no - why am I being emotionally blackmailed. I wish I could leave - but its easier said then done. Its not respectful. I could say yes to him and be a loveless/uncompatable marriage for them. But I do not think its fair. And when I said no they think its not fair.
If I was a guy and said no - there would be no fuss right now - why is there such double standards in our society?
You're 28 which is rather late for a woman not to be married by desi standards but more importantly haven't you found someone yourself?
I can see they're concerned by the fact you're not getting any younger but as you said there is no point getting into a loveless marriage.
The best people to ask about potentials could be friends who are already married? They might know someone or even your own siblings?
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
As for Pakistan - I have been speaking to a womens group and they told me to ring the forced marriage unit and leave my details with them - in case I am stranded, etc. My ticket is booked - actually I am going to a scientific job fair and my parents didn't want me to go/ as it would mean cancelling my ticket and they had a intense arguement over this with me - but going to a fair does not necessarily mean a job at the end of it.
I work in the legal field and personally know of cases where girls were taken to Pakistan/India under circumstances identical to yours. Even as a U.S. citizen, no matter what information you leave with "groups"....please realize that once in Pakistan, you're completely at the mercy of your parents/family. IF they choose to hold you hostage, take away your passport, abuse you physically/emotionally, and even threaten death.....it's not like the the forced marriage unit can just go and pick you up. They have to find you first! And who knows where your parents/family will take you once you're there. Often in these situations, a HUGE problem is finding out where the girl is being kept since the parents/families have other "locations".
If STRONGLY advise you to re-think travelling to Pakistan under the current circumstances. This has a strong potential of turning VERY nasty.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
You're 28 which is rather late for a woman not to be married by desi standards but more importantly haven't you found someone yourself? I can see they're concerned by the fact you're not getting any younger but as you said there is no point getting into a loveless marriage.
The best people to ask about potentials could be friends who are already married? They might know someone or even your own siblings?
Ok, I really dont think your advice or comments are very helpful. In this day and age, 28 is not old. She is educated, and will inshAllah start working in her own field soon. That is more than can be said about this cousin of hers.
PinkOrchids, my cousin went through this exact ordeal, but she did not have the courage like you to stand up to her parents. The guy was her chacha's son (her chacha passed away, and that is when her chachi started telling her parents that she wanted her son to marry their daughter, for her husbands sake - even though everyone knew it was for a visa). They had their nikkah done over the phone, but my cousin stalled the visa process until her dad forced her to get all the paperwork in order. 3 years after their nikkah, the guy got his visa and came, and they had their rukhsati. My cousin still didnt say anything. She lived with this guy for 4 months, and at the end she was so depressed, and couldnt handle it, she ended up running away from home. Her parents finally listened to her after that....
Im not saying run away....cause thats not a good idea. But stick up for yourself, and stand up for yourself. Be strong, and dont go to Pakistan.....cause even if the guy and his family know that you dont want to marry him, when it comes to a visa, no one cares. Thats exactly what happened to my cousin. He didnt want to marry her either, but he did it for the visa.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
I am sorry to hear about your situation.
This reminds me of my situation some years back. I will share my story with you before giving any advice.
I also said NO to my cousin (he was both maternal and paternal cousin!) and it wasnt welcomed very well. In our family, everyone gets married with their cousins or distant cousins and here I was saying NO to this cousin. I had a long list of reasons why I didnt want to marry him but still my parents didnt listen to me. After many discussion I was promised OUTSIDE MASJID AL HARAM in Mecca that I will not get married to this cousin!!! This was during my umrah trip with my parents andmy uncle who lived in Jeddah told them to take me to Pakistan from there cuz otherwise I would never travel to Pakistan with them. So they tried so much to find tickets for Pakistan and perhaps one of my million duas came true and they didnt manage to get airline tickets from Saudi to Pakistan. Then I was promised not very far from the holiest place for Muslim - the Kaaba - that they will not marry me to this guy if I went to Pakistan with them after 6 months when my other cousin was getting married.
So I believed in them. I thougt that they promised me this at such a sacred place and went along for the family wedding in Pakistan. Once that wedding was over, everyone started to prepare for MY wedding!!!I made a huge deal about it, said NO, explained to them why I didnt want to marry the guy and it was OBVIOUS why me and him didnt make a good match!!! My khala even bought loads of mithai and was preparing for the nikkah and was furious that all the mithai got wasted due to me being so stubborn! the worst part was that we lived in the same house as he is my dad's brothers son as well. so I woke up for hell everyday for God knows many days. They cancelled my return, were hiding my passport and wouldnt allow me to answer any phone call either. I felt like a hostage!!! I was threatened that if I ddint marry him they would kill me and cut my body into pieces and throw in the river in the area....it was all a big chock for me!!!
At the end they got me. I was forced into nikkah with that cousin. I didnt speak to anyone after that day eventhough we were living in the same house. Then they demanded that I give them a guarantee that I will appy for his visa. I told them that this can only be done once I am back home so they arranged for my return ticket.
Once I got back home, I sent an email to the embassy of my country in Pakistan and informed them that I have been forced married to this person and will never accept him to get a visa on my name. I did that in case I would get forced to apply for his visa. I decided that I would apply for divorce but it wasnt an easy process as my sister got married to his brother on the same day.So I waited till her husband got visa and they had been together for some time.
It was a living torture of 4 years and everyday was like hell. I used to cry so much and only thing that helped me through this was my strong faith in Allah - that He will help me.
I got divorced 4 years after that nikkah in Pakistan. and a year later I got married to the loveliest person on earth:) I moved to another country when I got married and once I got the mental peace to relax I collapsed both physically and mentally. It took me many years to re-built myself and become stronger.
I still have traumatic memories and have a huge trust issue towards people due to what I have experienced.
My advice to you is that dont go to Pakistan. you will be much more vulnerable there than where you are now!!!It is your parents responsibility to say no and it can be done on phone as well. they dont need to go to Pakistan for that. thats just an excuse to take you there and perhaps force you to get married there!!!
Being 28 doesnt mean that one should hasten into a marriage with a cousin one doesnt like. Try to find other options around you. your parents might not be willing to do that but its your life and you deserve to be happy. Look around and see if there is anyone that might be suitable for you.
Keep praying to Allah that He guides you all and finds you the best option. Pray 2 rakah hajat everyday and make dua that Allah eases your situation.
The thing wit emotional blackmailing is that one just needs to stay firm and defeat the other party by being firm!!! wish you all the best and pray that Allah eases your situation.
brought tears to my eyes reading this, glad your in a better place now. do your parents still speak to u? hows your relationsop with them?
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
FOR THE OP- do not go to pakistan.....keep your self strong and remain strong, pray to allah.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
izzat. hah! what a joke. issues like these give me a headache!
whatever you do, don't go to pakistan. if you do, make some arrangements before hand that'll help you in case you get in a sticky situation like chameli mentioned.
Agree..
OP, try and get out of going to Pakistan, isn't it likely things will get 100x worse over there where the rest of the family will also be there to heap on the pressure and emotional blackmail?
If u absolutely can't make sure u do actually get to speak to someone from the Forced Marriage Unit before u go and also save the contact numbers on ur phone and laptop so if the worst happens u can reach them even if they can't get in touch with u (esp if u've been moved to cousin's house or something)..
Try and speak to a counsellor who has experience dealing with these issues if ur feeling it's all getting too much for u (if u need any recommendations u can pm me)..
Stay strong and Good Luck :)
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Please don't tell me you are from UK (and Chameli)?
UK Asians have some serious obsession with cousin marriages, and I will personally celebrate the day UK bans cousin-marriage-just-to-import-another-family-member-as-a-charity-gesture crap.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Please don't tell me you are from UK (and Chameli)?
UK Asians have some serious obsession with cousin marriages, and I will personally celebrate the day UK bans cousin-marriage-just-to-import-another-family-member-as-a-charity-gesture crap.
we'll have an ijtimaai party ... this issue seriously gets on my nerves!
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Yeah I can't wait till they ban marriage from abroad - its riduclous - theres enough of us here!! LOL
I wanted to go out with friends tommorow - and my father called me down and said I could not go - I am 28 and hes stopping me. Hes like if my friends see you - its like so WHAT. His friends daughters go out all the time. And I am going with my girlfriends from childhood. I have known these girls since secondary school. I have been reading and praying - I was crying when reading the quran - god forgive me.
He told me if I ever want to go out with friends - I should leave and I am never to wear english clothes again - I wear them to work and out with friends - completely covered.
So tommorow I am going to wear a dress and leggings and see how he stops me. I won't go out with friends - but I will go out alone.
Had enough. And 28 and old?? GOD FORBID. I am actually looking for someone online interim and there are women on there 35 and not married - ever - This is 2011 we have careers, education and endless responsibility.
Saimab33 - I am in the exact situation - Chaachaa died - Chahchi wanting me to marry her son.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
Ok, I really dont think your advice or comments are very helpful. In this day and age, 28 is not old. She is educated, and will inshAllah start working in her own field soon. That is more than can be said about this cousin of hers.
PinkOrchids, my cousin went through this exact ordeal, but she did not have the courage like you to stand up to her parents. The guy was her chacha's son (her chacha passed away, and that is when her chachi started telling her parents that she wanted her son to marry their daughter, for her husbands sake - even though everyone knew it was for a visa). They had their nikkah done over the phone, but my cousin stalled the visa process until her dad forced her to get all the paperwork in order. 3 years after their nikkah, the guy got his visa and came, and they had their rukhsati. My cousin still didnt say anything. She lived with this guy for 4 months, and at the end she was so depressed, and couldnt handle it, she ended up running away from home. Her parents finally listened to her after that....
Im not saying run away....cause thats not a good idea. But stick up for yourself, and stand up for yourself. Be strong, and dont go to Pakistan.....cause even if the guy and his family know that you dont want to marry him, when it comes to a visa, no one cares. Thats exactly what happened to my cousin. He didnt want to marry her either, but he did it for the visa.
Did you actually read what I wrote? Or you just knit picking?
I said by desi standards it is late...Unlike you I gave her a solution. Which is the last sentence.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
He told me if I ever want to go out with friends - I should leave and I am never to wear english clothes again - I wear them to work and out with friends - completely covered.
^You should take that as your chance to dress in Tahitian apparel. He'll be back to "English" in no time.
Okay, more seriously.....have you even tried speaking directly with your cousin and his mom (your chachi)? If your own parents are not backing down....perhaps your cousin and his mother will end the rishta if you're honest with them and explain that you don't want to marry him at all and that you're being pressured to do this. See, what happens.
Tell your parents that they have the choice to either end this as respectfully as possible....OR....they can take you to Pakistan where you will reject the rishta more openly and harshly (to get your point across) in front of all family members. Maybe the latter will scare them into ending this. They're trying to blackmail you...shift the power over to your side. I've actually seen parents back down when they understand that their child might do something more drastic that could "mar" their good name and izzat in a bigger way.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
is ur cousin n his family really thaat bad ? ..
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
is ur cousin n his family really thaat bad ? ..
^Even if a person is not bad........that doesn't necessarily make them compatible. Marriage is a risk/gamble (even when there are many similarities between two people)....but that risk increases when there the two individuals have very different personalities and backgrounds. And being a relative (in this case, a cousin) doesn't necessarily mean that they'd be a good fit.
re: I said no to marriage with my cousin - and getting emotional blackmail....
You're doing the right thing. Hopefully one day your parents will realize that. It won't be easy to stay strong, but you can definitely do it.