i hate this ******* process

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41

Re: i hate this ******* process

join the club 714 :smiley:

:hugz:

Try and see if you can talk to the guy over the phone before meeting him so you can get a feel. That way when they come over you hopefully won’t feel like you are being paraded but meeting someone you already know to some degree.

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Re: i hate this ******* process

That is not true. My brother has a love marriage but both my brother and his wife freely talk with my mom about any issues they are facing...

So i'd say both are generalizations. Being able to freely discuss issues with family depends on their relationship with eachother in the family, how close they are as a family etc, and not if it is a love or arrange marriage.

Blaming games don't do good to any marriage....

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Re: i hate this ******* process

Good luck!!!...as much as we hate this process we (most of us desi girls, if not all) have to go through it--- so hang in there and pray as much as you can.

Btw I'm going through the same process and I don't like it as well.

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Re: i hate this ******* process

yourfriend, every marriage has problems and if your family's response to you airing your grievances re: a love marriage, is "too bad, it was your choice", then i'd say, you have a family problem :p
and by you, i mean, generally you and not specifically you.

i was talking from personal experience and what i've seen in my life/family.

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Re: i hate this ******* process

714 it gets better.

Hang in there.

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Re: i hate this ******* process

i dont like it when people define marriages as 'love' or 'arranged' -- marriage is not meant for social reasons...it is a life long decision...and is a very tender issue...we need to be able to get comfortable with the compatibility concept...ie---how well do our heads match....because with the prospective 'rishta' if you are not at the same level of commonality then it will be hard in the long run to establish a healthy intimate relationship...ultimately...a marriage is nothing without love.....and there is no love without respect....whether the 'love' part comes before or after...it doesnt really matter....it is our right to decide who we want to marry (no matter what the gender), Allah has given us that right....the 'elders' need to understand this...and no son or daughter should be forced to make such a decision under pressure.

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Re: i hate this ******* process

I feel if you don't fit into one of the two categories:
- slender, long haired, fair, gorgeous
- decent-looking and cooks and cleans well and wants lots of babies

then the typical rishta process is unlikely to work for you. Mainly because when it is the parents initiating and looking, they are looking for the above qualities and it's hard for them to make decisions about attraction and chemistry. Attraction and chemistry are so hard to define, and different people meeting in different situations have different reactions to each other. With the rishta process, going with your parents to meet a potential mate, the whole thing becomes so watered down that it's hard to develop a personal connection that you want to pursue. So we then rely on superficial qualities to help make our decisions, in the end passing up great rishtas just because we didn't have a chance to "click" in someone's chaperoned living room.

Honestly, you have to be very open-minded to meeting people constantly. And you have to imagine that at any point you may run into the man you want to be your life partner. It will take energy and work, but you always have to be ready.

That doesn't mean being in full make-up all the time. However, it does mean being your best whenever possible. Even after marriage, I found myself thinking that I did not need to do myself up for my husband -- he should love me as is and should be attracted to me as is. Luckily, he is. But then why did I get dressed up to go and to see my friends and family? I enjoy dressing up, and for some reason, I was being defensive about dressing up for the the one person that really mattered. I had become so defensive about him not being happy with me that I wasn't even being myself!

This process is a lot of hard work. I do feel you need to branch out of relying on family and friends to do the official desi rishta thing. That might not be the way to meet people for you. Go on coffee dates or more social events where you meet new groups of people. What city are you in?

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Re: i hate this ******* process

exactly... every marriage has problems ..then y would u say something like that to put down just the arranged marriages?....

Boys would you marry ?
Boys would you marry ?
49

same problem here.. hate to go in front of guys again and again............... some body help!

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Re: i hate this ******* process

714- dont worry yaar its part of life i guess :bummer:

tell mama k shadi :insh: aik say he kerni hai to dur khaeya ko :bummer:

How do "married off" daughters take care of their parents
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Re: i hate this ******* process

like i said, im speaking from personal experience and i wasn't putting down arranged marriages...at least i dont think i was...
i was just saying it wasn't the right thing for me, in my opinion they're not as successful as people like to think, and if faced with someone asking my opinion of it//on it, i wouldn't recommend it- which is the case here.
to each their own, no?

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Re: i hate this ******* process

714, I honestly don’t think there is a girl alive who enjoys the rishta process. It’s ok to feel how you are feeling.

I am sure your parents only want the best for you, which is why they tell you to act the way you do. You have to remember that most parents are from a different generation and they like to stay within that generation in terms of their thinking when it comes to something like this.

Have you tried talking to them? Have you told your mom how you feel? Can they meet you half way? Ask them if they are willing to do that … some parents are ok with having their daughter talk to the guy first via e-mail. Exchange photos, see if this is something you even want to do in person. That just saves everybody from wasting a lot of time.

If you DO meet someone you really are serious about, don’t be afraid of telling your parents. What’s the worse that will happen? They will go ballistic. :smiley: After that, they will calm down and talk to you about it. Don’t be scared though.

When you find the right person, and when they look into your eyes, trust me, you will feel it and you will know it is right. Until then, try not to feel so pressurized and talk to your parents. :slight_smile: :kiss:

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Re: i hate this ******* process

somegroovychick, why wouldnt you recommend arranged marriages? I am just asking out of curiosity.

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Re: i hate this ******* process

cos i don't think somebody else can pick a mate for you, even if it is your parents, and cos you can't pick a mate based on an awkward-half hour of chai, samosas and small talk. marriage is a big deal and to be happy in a marriage should be a personal right, as much as the right to eat when you're hungry and sleep when you're tired, not a privilege or a stroke of luck. i think that at least in a "love" marriage, you go with your eyes open into this major commitment and life change and know what you're agreeing to- it doesn't mean the marriage will always succeed, but it does mean you're responsible for your own choices. generally speaking, i don't see that in arranged marriages where theres often a lot of pressure to please parents and families, and less focus on whether couple is actually compatible and like each other.

obviously i feel strongly about this :p

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Re: i hate this ******* process

Not necessarily. The rishta process can be very superficial and often times the way it’s done is akin to a transaction… I don’t doubt that ppl can find a good partner from it, but like Sahar said, if you don’t fit into a certain “mold”, it might be difficult.

The reason that most girls back home don’t hate the arranged marriage thing so much is because that even though love marriage is becoming wide-spread, I still don’t think its as prevalent enough to be an easy alternative. Here, while you have some families on both extremes (“love” only or, ore often, arranged only), the general consensus is that both are options.

Also, I don’t think that arranged marriage itself is “backward” but rather the fact that often times it is the only option allowed, whether the groom/bride to be likes it or not. Add to the problem that the spouse has to be this ethnicity, they have to be this caste or zaat, they have to be this cousin etc. And when you don’t fit into that criteria (for women= looks, for men = wallet), it can be next to impossible.

I’m tempted to say that’s really messed up of hte families to do that but unfortunately more often than not, it is true. As sad as it is to admit, when theres an arranged marriage, u can always blame the parents, even if in just a fit of anger.

Perfect advices :k:

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Re: i hate this ******* process

hate as much as u want. hona vohi hai jo parents chahain ge.phir idher ake post kero ge...HYEEE woh kitnay achay hain. mujhay rooz jalaibian doodh main bheego bheego ke khilatay hain. woh mere ser ke taj, main unke wallet ki minister :@:

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Re: i hate this ******* process

someone in my family went through similar stuff- she was against arranged marriage, liked someone in college, everyone knew about it and anticipated marriage and a few months before they were suppose to get engaged, the guy 'cheated' on her and they broke up. 3 months later, she was engaged to her ex's best friend. obviously, there were all these speculations up in the air, some people even doubting how they decide to get married only 3 months after her previous breakup, etc etc.. well after a year, they both called off the engagement a few weeks ago because they weren't getting along. thats when her parents put a tight leash on her and called around for as many rishtas as possible. she was very reluctant at first but now i hear that some guy from ny came with his family and they got talking and now like each other. the parents are all very happy and will most likely tie the knot this summer or something.

i mean people do meet good spouses through arranged marriages and all, i am just against the way the entire process is carried out. you know when it is qurbani time in pakistan, people go looking for cows- thats how girls are made to feel like when it comes to rishtas.

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Re: i hate this ******* process

haha thats a funny analogy

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Re: i hate this ******* process

hahahhahahahaa u r hilarious dude , sara u r a lucky girlll lolz tum bhi saieen bhai ki wallet ki minister ban jao aur woh tumhare sar ka taj

ok on a more serious note. i think i am the onli one here dt did not fo thru a rishta process. onli one even rishta cme for me when i was 17 n dt was my hubbys mashallah . we r already so in love n parents said yes too.

i dont think ppl shud undermine arranged marriages or love marriages , i think it just really depend on ur attitude towards dt marriage u cud mke nefin work if u wnted too n den again u cud ruin a perfectly healthy relationship.
wt i am trying to say is dt things cud go wrong in a love n arranged marriage both and in both cases only the two ppl involved r to blame no one else.
2ndly this rishta process cn become brutal but its nt dt bad it is nt as if u r forced n in the end u may find ur life partner , whether it is love or arranged allah SWT has made a match for u whether ur parents find him or u.

so girls hang in there n dont let things get to u .

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Re: i hate this ******* process

sgc, i agree with you 100%....i couldn't answer all these questions in a better way...you're very wise! :D

714, i wish you all the best in finding a perfect partner for yourself. Whatever method you choose, make sure you really get to know the person you're about to marry and his family because it's really a lifetime decision...you can't afford to make a mistake. Arranged/love marriages are all the same, there's no guarantee of a perfect partner in either of these. So be very practical whether it's abbu's choice or yours. :)