I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

run the other way...seriously

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

You know one thing my mother told me before I got married was that in Islam a mother has rights over her son more than anyone else, that includes his wife. A husband has the greatest rights over his wife(more than her parents). Don't like it? Too bad thats what islam says. Love it or leave it but thats the truth and once women realize that and accept it things will be better. I agree that still doesn't give a right for his parents to interfere so much. Thats just plain weird and annoying.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

^ Please provide supporting evidence from the Quran.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Isn't it funny how we all want what we don't have. I sometimes WISH my in-laws would interfere, or even just acknowledge my existence :-/

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

PCG even if we do not have proof, its a reality we should accept(not agree with but it does exist). Thats how most desis think!

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behn g there is a difference between culture and religion...what you are talking about is culture...please read up on the rights of a wife in our religion, islam.....before you make such a comment because it is not true ...not entirely anyway....islam gives a lot of rights to the wife as well....and even morally speaking the wife has rights...please dont tell me biwi k haquuq nahin hain...hote hain aur i'm sorry to say a lot more than the mother...the mother is not nor will ever be the life partner. The only rights a mother has is that her son (not bahu, by islam bahu is not obligated to do so) should take care of her respect her and love her make sure his parents are comfortable and happy in their old age (Which does not necessarily mean he keeps them with him...it just means he looks after them even if they are in a separate house)....yeh haqq ma baap ka biwi nahin le sakti....lekin baaqi saare haquuq biwi k hain...both morally and islamically ....but maybe not culturally

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Angel05 - WHY are your in-laws so un-impressed by you at the moment?

Usually at this time they be on their best behaviour so as not to risk breaking the rishta.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Life isn't a competition.

Parents are important.

The wife is equally important.

Some parents really need to learn to let go a little when their kids get married! Why marry them off if you're going to meddle in their life and make them miserable?

I personally think the problem usually lies with the man - he should learn how to juggle his role as son and husband so that everybody in his life is happy. Men who can't stand up to their mummy and daddy are just as bad as men who can't stand up to their wife.

Everybody can be happy, it just takes effort from all involved!

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^^ i agree

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I dont know wat to advise you but I would say one thing. No relationship is built upon or stands upon threats. If ur FIL is already asking u to return the engagement ring (n i've a feeling it's to scare you) then I say you've got some thinking and discussing to do with your family.

If before wedding he can threaten you, after it could get worse (I pray not but indications are there). Think about it carefully and let your family know! They know what's better for you!

All the best.

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Exactly. Some ppl need to learn to differentiate between culture and Islam and just because someone's Mum says something is Islamic doesn't make it necessarily true. I used to be told so much rubbish by various desis as I was growing up as regards to Islam, that you're never allowed to disobey ur parents (of course u are if they're oppressing u or if they're making u do something unIslamic like pressurising u to marry someone u don't like, not allowing to cut ur hair (like Sikhs), so many things..).

Islamically parents/inlaws do **NOT have the right to interfere in their kids marriages,** (this is one reason living seperately is recommended where possible), yes we are meant to respect them but this does not mean they have a say in everything u do. Do ppl not understand basic common sense?? The mother has rights over her son but he also has his own rights, DIL has an obligation to look after hubby and hubby has his obligation to look out for her as well as his own parents whilst she still has an obligation to look out for hers. We aren't Hindus whose girls are expected to leave their families to 'serve' and obey their inlaws without question tho from our culture sometimes u'd never guess it..

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

If you marry him a few months later you'll be posting here telling us about how they control your husband, you husb has no mind of his own. He's a mama's boy. FIL ne mara. Really don't marry there. These seem like selfish and very contollingpeople.

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desigirl is correct! many hadithes support this point. The most famous of which was :

In the Prophet's lifetime, there was a young man called Alqamah. He was so devout that he exerted greatefforts in performing many prayers, fasting and spending money in charity. He had a fatal disease that hiswife informed the Prophet (pbuh) that her husband was dying. Thereby, the Prophet (pbuh) sent AmmarSuhaib and Bilal to instruct the dying to say the testification of Faith. When they arrived there, they found him dying. Therefore, they began to instruct him to say there is no god but Allah, but he could not repeat it. They returned to the Prophet (pbuh) to consult him. Then, the Prophet (pbuh) said, "Did he have living parents?" They said, "He had an aged mother." Accordingly, the Prophet asked them to bring her if she was
able to walk. Otherwise he himself will go there. When being informed by the Prophet's message, the mother said, "I sacrifice him with my soul. I will go to him." She then went to him leaning on a staff. After greeting, the Prophet (pbuh) said**; "O mother of Alqamah, tell me the truth and if you lie Allah will reveal me the truth. How was Alqamah?"** She said, "He performed much prayers, fasting and spending money in charity." Then, the Prophet (pbuh) asked, **"What about you?"** She said, "O Messenger of Allah! I am angry with him." The Prophet asked, **"Why?"** She said, "Because he prefers his wife to me and also disobeys me." Then, the Prophet (pbuh) said, **"The anger of Alqamah's other holds Alqamah's tongue to utter the testification of Faith."**Afterwards, the Prophet (pbuh) said, **“O Bilal, go and gather a pile of wood.”** The woman said, "Why, Messenger of Allah?" The Prophet (pbuh) said, **“To bum him before your eyes.”** She said, "O Messenger of Allah, he is my son! I cannot endure that he be burnt before my eyes." Then, the Prophet (pbuh) said, **"But Allah's torture is more severe and lasting, mother ofAlqamah. So if you like him to be forgiven by Allah, you forgive him. By Whom in Whose hands my soul is, what he performed of prayers, fasting and charity is of no avail so long as you are angry with him*." Then, she said, "O Messenger of Allah, may Allah the Almighty, his angels and all Muslims who are present witness that I forgive my son, Alqamah." Thereupon, the Prophet (pbuh) said, *"Go to him, Bilal to see whether he can utter the testification of Faith or not? She might forgive him out of shyness."** Approaching Alqamah's house, Bilal heard him saying, "There is no god but Allah" Then, the Prophet (pbuh) ordered them to prepare the funeral, washing and shroud. Then, he prayed over him and witnessed the funeral. Then, the Prophet stood in front of the deceased grave and said, "O **(Helpers), he who prefers his wife to his mother entails the curse of Allah, His angels and the whole people. Allah never accepts his deeds or a reason unless he makes repentance treats his mother well and asks her consent. This is because Allah's consent is conditioned on the mother's and His wrath is hers. ***Reported by Ibn Hajar AI-Haithami]*

It was related that a man asked the Prophet (pbuh), "Who deserves my service most after Allah?" The Prophet said, *"Your mother." The man asked again, "And who is next?" The Prophet *said, *"Your mother." The man asked further, "Who is next?" The Prophet replied, **"Your mother.” The man asked once more, "And who is next?" The Prophet (pbuh) said, "Your father and then the closer **kins.”**Reported by AI-Bukhari]*

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

First of all, its a hadith, so keep in mind that some meaning and wordings may have been altered or lost over time. These hadith's were collected based on people's foggy memories of the Prophet passed down in families a good 200-300 years after he died.

Secondly, dissect it out - "he who prefers his wife to his mother".

We need to really question what this means in order to apply it correctly.

A man who never visits his mom, never sends her any money, never provides any support to her and is lost with his wife and kids fits that image. You think such men don't exist? Think again.

A man who tells his wife, well I'm not talking to my Dad after you're telling me my Dad asked you to return the engagement ring because he happened to overhear a conversation that he really knows nothing about...that's not the same kind of guy being referred to in the hadith.

You have a responsibility to a person you're engaging in a relationship with, and plenty of support in Islam that the decision to marry lies between the man and woman, not between the parents.

Her FIL has NO ISLAMIC authority to interfere, to ask her to return her engagement ring, and to scold her without so much as even consulting with his son. Especially considering that the son wants to continue the relationship.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

And the stuff you posted does not corroborate the statements made by the previous poster - there is not one proof you will find that suggests a woman's master is her husband over her parents. A simply idiotic idea. For those of us who live on THIS PLANET, as oppose to la-la land, know that human interactions are too complex for blanket statements of that sort.

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^ All Im saying is that desigirl786 statement is not unfounded.

Please find me a Quran ayah, or hadith that states that a wife has more rights over the husband then the his parents, if you don't think that's right.

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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

Personally, there's really no reason to be rude to ANYONE. even if they are rude to you.Just because FIL is rude to you, does not give anyone exucese to be rude to him. He is older, and who knows he may be suffering from dementia, for all we know, or the OP didn't tell us a complete story.

Anyways no matter what situation, the way to handle any situation is simple: KILL THEM WITh KINDNESS!!

If you want respect from FIL, EARN it with good deeds, and being rude, and talking back, turning son against father, is not the way to do it.

As for the job issue, i can understand that! The economy isn't good here- many are jobless, and it's hard to find jobs right now. That;s probably why there nagging you to do it early.

O/w FIL does sound wierd...maybe you should have your parents talk to his parents and see what issue is...

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assalam u alaikum gulab jamun ji the following ahadith, references from the wur'an and scholarly advice are for your kind perusal you will note that it is the obligation of the child to be loving, repsectful, caring, and obedient to his parents it is also the obligation of the child to take care of his parents' needs in their old age, however, if the wife wishes to live separately from the family the husband cannot disagree to that even if his parents object (clearly this shows that while the wife has no right to stop her husband form taking care of his parents, she has enough rights over him that she can force him to move out of the parental home, it is clear by this that apart from loving and respecting and beeing obedient to and taking care of your parents, the wife has more rights):

The wife has the right to live in separate accommodation with her husband and children, if she does not like to share it with anyone like her in-law or relatives. She also has the right to refuse to live with his husband's father, mother and siblings.

Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar: That he heard Allah's Apostle saying, "Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charge; the ruler is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects; the man is a guardian in his family and responsible for his charges; a woman is a guardian of her husband's house and responsible for her charges; and the servant is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible for his charge." I definitely heard the above from the Prophet and think that the Prophet also said, "A man is a guardian of his father's property and responsible for his charges; so everyone of you is a guardian and responsible for his charges."[Sahih Bukhari]

This indicate that wife is responsible for house of the husband. Also that man should be guardian of his family. i.e. after his marriage he moves out of his father's house, and run his own family affairs and is guardian of his family. In joint family, typically the head is either the father of husband, or mother of husband. This also indicate that husband should look after their parent's house, as " A man is a guardian of his father's property". So wife should not object to her husband when he is looking after affairs of his parents

The mother’s rights over her child

The mother has many major rights over her child. These rights are innumerable, but we may mention the following:

(a) Love and respect, as much as possible, because she is the most deserving of people of her son’s good companionship.

Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “A man came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, who among the people is most deserving of my good companionship?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ The man asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, then who?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He said, ‘Your father.’”

She is the one who made her womb a vessel for you and nourished you from her breast. You have no option but to love her. The fitrah (natural inclination of man) calls you to love her. Love between mothers and children and children and mothers is something that Allaah has instilled even in animals, so it is even more befitting for the children of human beings, and for Muslims in particular.

(b) Taking care of her and looking after her affairs if she needs that; this is a debt that rests on the child’s shoulders. Did she not take care of him when he was a child and stay up with him at night and bear it all with patience?

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship. And she brings him forth with hardship…” [al-Ahqaaf 46:15]

This even take precedence over jihaad if there is a conflict between the two.

‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said: “A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and asked him for permission to participate in jihaad. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him, ‘Are your parents alive?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘Then your jihaad is with them.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2842; Muslim, 2549)

(c) Not offending them or saying or doing anything that they dislike.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“say not to them a word of disrespect” [al-Israa’ 17:23]

If Allaah has forbidden us even to say “uff” [paraphrased as “a word of disrespect” in the translation of the meaning of the aayah] to our parents, then how about someone who hits them?!

(d) Spending on her if she is in need and does not have a husband who can spend on her or if her husband is poor; for the righteous, spending on one’s mother and feeding her is more precious than feeding their own children.

Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with them both) narrated that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Three men went out walking and rain began to fall on them. They entered a cave in a mountain, then a rock fell (blocking the entrance to the cave). They said to one another, Pray to Allaah by virtue of the best deeds that you have done. One of them said, O Allaah, my parents were elderly and I used to go out and tend to my flocks, then I would milk them and bring the milk to my parents for them to drink from it, then I would give some to my children. One night I came home late and found them sleeping. I did not want to wake them, and the children were crying at my feet. I kept waiting and the children kept crying until dawn broke. O Allaah, if You knew that I did that for Your sake, then open a way for us through which we can see the sky. So a way was opened for them…” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2102; Muslim, 2743).

(e) Obeying her when she tells you to do something good. But if she tells you to do something bad, such as shirk, then there should be no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly” [Luqmaan 31:15]

(f) After one’s mother dies, it is Sunnah to fulfil any vows that she had made, and to give charity and perform Hajj and ‘Umrah on her behalf.

It was reported from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) that a woman from Juhaynah came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “My mother vowed to go for Hajj, but she died before she did so. Can I perform Hajj on her behalf?” He said, “Yes, perform Hajj on her behalf. Do you not think that if your mother owed a debt that you would pay it off for her? Fulfil her debt to Allaah, for Allaah is more deserving that what is owed to Him should be paid.” (narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1754).

(g) After she dies, it is also Sunnah to honour her by maintaining ties with those whom she used to keep in touch with, such as her relatives and friends.

It was narrated from ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of righteous deeds is for a man to keep in touch with his father’s friends after he dies.”

(Narrated by Muslim, 2552).

Hadith No 736, 7396. It says that, ‘the most perfect of the believers are those that are best in character and behavior, and those that are best to their family and their wives

Ch.17, Verse No.28-29, It says that God has ordained for you, that you worship none but Him, and to be kind to your parents. And if any one or both of them reach old age do not say a word of contempt or repel them but address them with honour, and speak to them with kindness, and lower your wing of humility and pray to God - ‘My Lord! bless them as they have cherished me in childhood

Surah Nisa, Ch. No. 4, Verse No. 1 says, ‘Respect the womb that bore you

Surah A’nam, Ch.6, Verse No.151, says that, ‘You have to be kind to your parents

Surah Luqman Ch.31, Verse No.14, says that, ‘We have enjoined on the human beings to be kind to his parents. In travail upon travail, did their mother bore them and in years twain was their weaning

A similar thing is repeated again in Surah Ahqaf, Ch.46, Verse No.15, thatE‘We have enjoined on the human beings to be kind to his parents. In pain did their mother bore them and in pain did she give them birth

Because the Qur'an and the Sunnah of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband's duty to:

1- Consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner. Allah Almighty says, "… and consort with them in kindness." (An-Nisa': 19)

2- Have responsibility for the full maintenance of the wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence. Allah Almighty says: "Let him who hath abundance spend of his abundance, and he whose provision is measured, let him spend of that which Allah hath given him. Allah asketh naught of any soul save that which He hath given it. Allah will vouchsafe, after hardship, ease.‏" (At-Talaq: 7)

Components of Maintenance:

Maintenance entails the wife's incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well-being.

1-The wife's residence must be adequate so as to provide her with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The welfare of the wife and the stability of the marriage should be the ultimate goal.

2-What is true of the residence is true of clothing, food, and general care. The wife has the right to be clothed, fed, and cared for by the husband, in accordance with his means and her style of life. These rights are to be exercised without extravagance or miserliness.

Non-Material Rights:

A husband is commanded by the law of God to:

1- Treat his wife with equity.

2- Respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration.

3- Not to show his wife any aversion or to subject her to suspense or uncertainty.

4- Not to keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom.

5- Let her demand freedom from the marital bond, if he has no love or sympathy for her.

Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:

What is important in Islam is for the children to take the responsibility of caring for the parents especially when they are in advance age and when they are unable to take care of themselves. This is an obligatory duty on children. However, this duty does not necessarily imply that the children have to live together all in the same apartment so long as the children fulfill their responsibilities by living in close proximity even though they aren’t in the same house or apartment. By doing so, they would have fulfilled their religious duty.

As far as all the grown up children, married or unmarried, living together in the same house, it is not encouraged, because of the fact it may give rise to jealousy and suspicion when some of them are living with their wives on daily contact with men (in-laws). The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: **“The in-laws are death.” **This is a serious warning from the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him, against creating circumstances for in-laws to be in privacy in the same house.

Circumstances like these may arise more frequently when all the brothers are living in the same house in the name of extended family.

Therefore, in conclusion, our duty towards our parents and brothers and sisters can be fulfilled while living in the proximity of one another in separated apartments or independent living quarters. It is well-known from the practice of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) that he did not live with his extended family and wives in a single apartment. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, fulfilled his duties towards all of them while visiting them frequently and maintaining his obligations towards them.
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Re: I had a big argument with future-in-laws

the man must not prefer his wife over the mother if preferring his wife over the mother means disrespecting or being disobedient to his mother on her "jayaz" demands and needs...

islam is a religion of balance neither the mother nor the wife should be preferred the rights of both are the obligation of a man. He must not neglect his wife's rights over his mother's and he must not neglect his mother's rights over his wife

whoever thinks or says the mother should be preferred over the wife is as wrong as whoever says the wife should be preferred over the mother....kisi ka haqq nahi maara jaana chaahiye

there are countlesss ahadith for the rights of a mother and countless for the rights of a wife it is counterproductive as a muslim to quote just one pretaining to either or and deciding to be good son instead of a good husband...it would suit the muslim brother better to read up on the rights of both and make sure to reach a balance that is acceptable to his conscience and interpretaton of the ahadith and qur'anic verses